Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

Another outstanding submission from Joel. For the record I did not write this. I wish I did though. Leave comments and Joel will respond. Send me the hate mail and I will forward it to him. Now on with the terrifying story of Bo Schembechler and his deal with Saban…errr Satan…same thing actually….

The year, 1968. The place, Oxford, OH, Miami (OH) University. A young up and coming coach named Bo Schembechler is praying to coach big time college football, even if he has to coach against former coach and mentor Woody Hayes…

Bo (in his office studying game film): Damn it, we need to run that run play again in practice. 3 yards and a cloud of dust. Who needs hip movement and breakaway speed like those people at USC??? Damn John McKay. 3 yards a play, not 20 yards. Is it me, the crappy projector, this third highball of Canadian Club, or is it hot in here???

Appearing from the screen on the wall, burning a hole. Bo stumbles to the ground…

Satan: Arise, my young apprentice. I have a deal for you…

BS: Who the hell are you, and why do you smell like 1,000 little heaters. BTW, got any Lucky Stripes???

Satan: I am the Supreme Overlord Protector of the Underworld, the One responsible for man’s downfall in the Garden of Eden, the prince of the Earth, the Angel formerly known as Lucifer, I AM SATAN!!!

BS: What do you want with me??? Are you mad at me for that time I told the linemen that you haven’t seen hell until you deal with wintertime on this campus???
Satan: (laughs)…no son. I am actually here to talk. Man to…well…deity…

BS: Have some Canadian Club???

Satan: No, I just came back from visiting a young man named Steve Spurrier. He drinks some sort of Kool Aid that’s strong as hell. I couldn’t even finish a cup of it before he was begging for the last sips…

BS: He won the Heisman from that school in Florida. Didn’t know they had football there until he won it…

Satan: Oh yes, football is played elsewhere besides the Midwest. Ever heard of Bear Bryant???

BS: Yeah he won a few SWC titles at Texas A&M and won a couple of titles at Alabama. I always thought those titles were flukes because Big Ten football is real football.

Satan: Well what if I told you I had a lot to do with that, and with Steve Spurrier winning the Heisman, and with Richard Nixon getting elected…

BS: So why are you here???

Satan: Ahh my son, you like to cut to the chase. This is why I’m here: You really, deep down inside, want to coach at a major program right???

BS: Uh…yeah…

Satan: What if I told you that you could coach at a major program in the Big Ten???

BS: Woody ain’t dead yet so what major program are you speaking of???

Satan: Michigan is what I’m talking about retard!!!

BS: But I’m an Ohio guy.

Satan: Listen, do you really wanna stay here and coach here the rest of your life like the big guy upstairs wants you to???

BS: Would YOU wanna be stuck here coaching the rest of YOUR life???

Satan: That’s my point…you get to coach Michigan, in the Big Ten, against your “beloved” Woody. You’ll be a Michigan man. Your heart bleeds red, but your blood will flow blue. You’ll get Big Ten championships and have a winning record against your “beloved” Woody. You’ll win some bowl games but lose some too. Oh, no National Titles shall be yours while you coach. You will win one as an Athletic Director at Michigan in basketball and you’ll be a God in an entire fan base’s eyes. But, you shall pass on the eve of an Ohio State-Michigan game. The team will lose that game and go into a free fall. Michigan will lose relevance quickly, especially when they lose to a cupcake team.

BS: Sounds interesting…

Satan: Did I mention that one of your assistants will be coaching the team during this time of the downfall??? I will make him fall victim to being stuck in a time warp during play calling, missing out on stud recruits, and overall jackassedness…

BS: Jackassedness??? Is that even a word???

Satan: My point being, that I have someone else to take his place in a few years. He’ll have perfect hair, be coaching at Alabama, and be money hungry…

BS: Why can’t you give me the ability to win at least National Title???

Satan: Hey, the big guy upstairs will only let me do so much. I’m not a miracle worker like him. Besides, Big Ten championships are what count…right???

BS: Yeah, I want a Big Ten title.

Satan: I’ll give you 13…a satisfactory number right???

BS: 13??? Shit yeah. That’s satisfactory. Nice word placement…

Satan: Thanks. Damn Shakespeare. It’s his fault I use large words like that. I just couldn’t have the pussy British accent…

BS: So where do I sign???

Satan: Pull my finger…

Bo pulls finger. Fire comes out Satan’s ass. Both erupt in laughter…

Satan: Back to business…This is a legally binding document. Sign in blood…

BS (cutting finger using Swiss army knife): Here ya go…

Satan: I forgot your name is Glenn…It will be done. Oh, one other thing, you’re gonna have heart problems…

BS: Is that because I will now bleed blue??

Satan: No, I gotta fuck with you somehow. This way, it will remind you of our deal. Don’t worry, it could be worse. I gave Hitler a bunch of STD’s. Man was it funny looking at him scratch while trying to salute. That’s how he came up with the goose step. He was walking and scratching at the same time. It caught on. Well looks like you need to pack up and move to Ann Arbor. Success and mediocrity await Michigan fans…