Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

A Sports Blog on why ALL Teams Suck…Again!

Archive for October 19th, 2007

Martha Stewart’s Tips For Alabama Fans

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on October 19, 2007

DINING OUT

  • When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup,and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.
  • If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

  • A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
  • Do not allow the dog to eat at the table…no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

  • While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
  • Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
  • Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

  • Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
  • Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”
  • Establish with her parents what time she is expected back, some will say 10:00 PM; others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

  • Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
  • Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

WEDDINGS

  • Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
  • Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
  • For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
  • Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

  • Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
  • When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
  • Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
  • When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
  • Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS

  • Never take a beer to a job interview.
  • Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
  • It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
  • If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
  • Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

So I profess on this day 10/19/07.

TtT

Posted in Alabama Crimson Tide, Bama Bangs, Bama Sucks, Bama'zoids, Bammers, Bear is Dead, Big Orange, Go Vols, SEC Football, Tennessee Volunteers, scandal | 1 Comment »

This is Alabama Football Reposted

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on October 19, 2007

I originally posted this on 8/7/07 it’s worth reposting.

  1. It’s getting serenaded with “Rocky Top” by the Minnesota band after
    losing a 3rd-tier bowl game.
  2. It’s worshiping an old dead drunk.
  3. It’s losing cases in courtrooms from Memphis to “Tuscaloser” and still
    thinking you were innocent.
  4. It’s losing 9 of 10 to Tennessee and still thinking you’re better.
  5. It’s claiming 12 national titles when no one else with half a brain
    recognizes you with more than 6.
  6. It’s making fun of other team’s “half a national championship,” when
    most of the ones you claim were shared.
  7. It’s claiming a national championship after losing to Mississippi State
    and Vandy.
  8. It’s claiming national championships after losing your bowl game.
  9. 5 coaches in 5 years.
  10. It’s being on probation 2 separate times for cheating in less than 10 years.
  11. Going to Hawaii to get beat and calling it a “Bowl” game.
  12. Moral victory after moral victory.
  13. Biggest tradition is buying and bidding on players.
  14. Knowing your the best team every time you get beat.
  15. Knowing that the refs are against you.
  16. Knowing that the NCAA is against you.
  17. Knowing that UT owns you.
  18. Waking up to nightmares of hearing “Rocky Top” over and over and over.
  19. Mike Price.
  20. It is watching you go through 4 coaches in 2 years.
  21. It is having head coaches leave for places like Duke, Kentucky, UTEP,
    and Texas A&M.
  22. It is having your 5th choice for a head coach turn you down.
  23. It is remembering when losing by any margin at home to Auburn didn’t
    make THEM fall in the polls.
  24. It is hoping that Northern Illinois doesn’t show up again to ruin
    Homecoming.
  25. It is offering Ole Miss walk-ons Football Scholarships.
  26. It is sharing a home field with the Blazers.
  27. It is fans proudly displaying toilet paper rolls and empty detergent
    boxes when the whole world can see that you don’t know how to use
    either.
  28. It is a Million Dollar Band and a Two Million Dollar Defensive Line.
  29. It is decades of ignorantly mocking your arch rival for being named the
    Tigers and yelling “War Eagle” when you’re called the Crimson Tide and
    have an Elephant walk the sidelines.
  30. It is giving your head coach a contract extension after going 4-9 and
    6-6.
  31. It is having a Big Least coach turn down a job offer.
  32. It is throwing bricks through your coach’s window after a 10 win season.
  33. It is knowing that Notre Dame takes pride in saying “well, at least
    we’re not as bad as Alabama”.
  34. It is having a head coach realize that the ugliest stripper in Pensacola
    was prettier than the Alabama coaching job.
  35. It is running off your backup QB by playing him with a concussion.
  36. It is having a losing record since January 1st 2000.
  37. It is being the fourth best football team in your state.
  38. It is refusing to play those teams unless mandated by the state
    government.
  39. It is forfeiting games for playing an ineligible player for an entire
    season.
  40. It is getting caught cheating while still on probation.
  41. It is having the AD with the most experience hiring Head Coaches in the
    nation, yet worst track record.
  42. It is being the team to give King of SEC Bottom Feeders Coaches Sylvester Croom his first SEC victory. Thanks Joel!!!
  43. And last but not least, being the victim of a conspiracy 15 years in the
    making involving Phillip Fulmer, the NCAA, the FBI and Osama Bin Laden.

Don’t forget this bitch.

One of the greatest sports liars.

So I profess on this day 10/19/07.

TtT

Posted in Alabama Crimson Tide, Bama Bangs, Bama Sucks, Bama'zoids, Bammers, Bear is Dead, Beat Bama, Fuck Bama, Go Vols, Nick Saban, SEC Football, Tennessee Volunteers | 10 Comments »

Alabama Man

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on October 19, 2007

It’s the only toy designed by former Alabama football players for Alabama fans. Watch out Tickle Me Elmo!

So I profess on this day 10/19/07.

TtT

Posted in Alabama Crimson Tide, Bama Bangs, Bama Sucks, Bama'zoids, Bammers, Fuck Bama, white trash | No Comments »