Well, the looooooooooooong wait for a head coach for the University of Arkansas has ended…with Bobby Petrino. Don’t worry about his job with the Falcons, because he quit that…

This guy’s resume is filled with more short stays than skanks hanging at the Four Seasons for a celebrity sighting. He finally got a head coaching gig at Louisville, taking over for the funny yet incompetent John L. Smith, in 2003. Louisville was on the verge of greatness, and with Petrino, took the team to the Orange Bowl last year. Soon after that, he was playing footsies with Arthur Blank on a 5 year, $24.5 million a year contract. Somehow, I don’t think all the Quick-Crete he wanted was included in compensation.

Now, he is taking some more billionaire Walton money, as he is now gonna coach at Arkansas. If I were a Razorback fan, I would be nervous and pissed at the yahoos that made this job so unattractive. Let’s start off with nervousness. Petrino and zealous Auburn boosters and the school president tried to cut a midnight deal just 2 days before the “Iron Bowl”. Keep in mind that Auburn coach Tommy Tuberville was still employed at head football coach. Petrino has also talked to LSU and God only knows who else while employed at Louisville, all in the hopes of getting more dollar dollar bills y’all. Like puppets on a string, Louisville said “yes sir” and gave it to him…EVERY TIME!!! Of course, he still left. I would also be nervous because he left the Falcons because he couldn’t take a little losing and didn’t feel the need to rebuild, which you guessed, Arkansas very well may have to do with McFadden, Jones, and Monk possibly leaving for the NFL.

I would also be mad at the yahoo nut jobs that ran off Houston Nutt and made the Arkansas job highly unattractive. I know that every coach and anyone else in the public eye will face scrutiny, but the way they put Nutt’s business out in the open and on front street, made it almost Britney Spears like for him and his family. It was so bad that he left Arkansas, his home state and dream coaching job, for Ole Miss. That’s bad…

A carpetbagger originally was a Northerner who moved to the South during Reconstruction (Petrino is from Montana). The term was meant to be derogatory, meaning someone who exploits until all resources are used up, then moves on (see coaching resume). Arkansas, I hope that you enjoy your carpetbagger, because he won’t be there long…

Dear Moms,

Yo I know this being a hard time for you and all but dis shit ain‘t no walk in the motherfucking park either. I mean there’s no maids, ho’s or butlers. I gots to pee in front of everyone. Marcus and Pops never told me about this shit.

I met some dudes from the something called the Mexican Mafia, they be pissed at me for picking Ron Mexico as my alias. A lot of homies seem cool and shit they even gave me a nickname of Black Paris. Something about another rich bitch in jail except I’m black.Da man be being out to get me fo awhile and now he has.

Fuck dat cracker ass judge not letting me change into a five grand suit making me wear prison jumpsuit. I gots to look fly. And then he all talking about I made false statements to da feds and I wasn’t keeping it real wit him about my smoke habit. I don’t be deserving no 23 months for killing some dogs, some of those dogs deserved it and shit. And then he be saying I’m getting 3 years closely monitored probation afterwards. I guess I’ll make the best of it.

Yo dad be right about one thing yo, you can get some good shit in here. It’s high as fuck though! Thank God I’m still rich. Speaking of money Mom, I can’t be supporting you, Marcus and Pop and be paying protection money to. Think about how much the chronic will be once I’m transfered to the big house in 6 weeks. You just going to have to go back to working in a gas station with pops. Marcus I’m not sure what he be doing now.My cellmate is named Rocco and for 5 g’s a week he said he’ll protect me. When I ask from who he said from himself. He said won’t ass rape me 23 times, one for every month as long as I keep paying and shit. He also said to look up his big brother, Cletus at the fed pin. He said I can’t miss him he’s the leader of some gang called the Aryan Brotherhood. He said they might let me join so don’t be shy about asking. Other than the shakedown and cuddling wit me, he alright.

Moms I gots to go. But please do me one favor, try to sneak some metal hidden under one of your fat rolls, Rocco said he will teach me how to shank. Try to make all the court appearances concerning those law suits that are against me. There’s 3 onces of Mexican gold hash in the “waterbottle” give that to Marcus as a Christmas present.I love you moms, soon I’ll be free and I’m sure Mr. Goodell and Mr. Blank will allow me to play again. I’ll keep in shape with all the weights that here and constant running from the Crips.

PS Slap Marcus for me and tell him you still loves me more.