Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

Well, by now I’m sure most of the readers out there have heard Tennessee’s offensive coordinator David Cutcliffe was in Durham, N.C., interviewing for Duke’s head coaching job Wednesday. Sure I’ve had my problems with Cutcliffe’s style of play calling in the past. However, I can not sit ideally by and watch the man commit career suicide either. So I’ll bite the bullet and take the head coaching job at Duke.

The only football coaches that go to Duke seem to die, except for the one man whose visor was touched by the finger of Satan himself, Steve Spurrier. And by Satan I don’t mean Nick Saban either.

Below is the official job description of the head coaching job as the Duke Human Resources website had it. After you read it, you’ll see why I’m a shoe-in.

• Position Title: HEAD FOOTBALL COACH
• Requisition Number: 400160742
• Auto req ID: 13326BR
• Location: Durham
• Duke Entity: UNIVERSITY
• Department Name: Football
• Shift: First/Day
• Full Time / Part Time: FULL TIME

Job Description

Occupational Summary

Direct and coordinate the planning, organizing and coaching of the Duke University football team.

Work Performed

Provide leadership and instruction in the personal and athletic development of student athletes at Duke University. Direct and coordinate the activities of the Football Staff in the planning, organizing and coaching of the Duke University football team; ensure compliance with University, Conference and NCAA policies and regulations. Direct the Football Staff in the preparation of analyses of opponent teams; analyze game statistics and tactical data of opponents and prepare game plans accordingly. Counsel team members in academic, disciplinary and personal matters; consult with University administration and faculty for resolution of problems as required. Assign geographical areas to and supervise the Football Staff in the recruitment of new players; determine recipients of football scholarships in accordance with University admissions policies. Determine fiscal requirements and prepare budgetary recommendations; monitor, verify and reconcile expenditures of budgeted funds. Direct various personnel functions including, but not limited to, hiring, merit recommendations, promotions, transfers and vacation schedules. Study, evaluate and implement innovations in football strategy and equipment. Represent the Duke University Athletic Department in professional, civic, charity and alumni events. Perform other related duties incidental to the work described herein. The above statements describe the general nature and level of work being performed by individuals assigned to this classification. This is not intended to be an exhaustive list of all responsibilities and duties required of personnel so classified.

Education

N/A

Experience

Prior collegiate football coaching experience required.

OR AN EQUIVALENT COMBINATION OF RELEVANT EDUCATION AND/OR EXPERIENCE

Notice anything missing from the description? I do. There’s nothing in the coach’s job description about winning. Sweet! I can do all the things that are listed in the description, especially discipline. God made cattle prods for a reason!

Duke has won 22 games in 13 years. They have had three losing streaks of 15 games or worse. Duke has three straight seasons with 10 or more defeats and is considered as one of the worst programs in 1-A history.

The main reason I feel qualified for this job is because I lead the Duke Blue Devils to the National Championship on my Xbox 360. Can Cutcliffe say that? Huh huh huh? No? I didn’t think so.

As for as experience, I was my middle school’s paper football champ back in the day, I ruled those desks. I believe I can take Duke to the top on that basis alone. All I have to do is win more than 6 games out of 45, I can do that.

So in order to save Coach Cutcliffe any embarrassment or worse another heart attack, pencil my name in that head coaches position. I will not beat Clemson, FSU or Wake Forest. However, I do believe I can beat any Big East team, Northwestern, Coach K & the players. So come on Duke take a chance. Go Blue Devils!!

So I profess on this day 12/14/07.

TtT