Ladies and Gentlemen,We are here to celebrate and say goodbye to Mountaineer football. Why are we saying goodbye, here, at this burial site??? Because with the sudden departure of the good Brother Rich “Dirty Sanchez” Rodriguez to coach a real football program clad in blue and gold, Michigan, West Virginia football has died a quick death.

The sad thing is that apparently this death could have been avoided. All Rodriguez wanted was a little bit more money, not for him, but for his assistants, a few I’m sure much needed upgrades to facilities, and just some general fellatio from the athletic department. Apparently he was promised these things for a while, and they didn’t happen, so when Michigan called, he left. I’m sure John Beilein, Michigan’s basketball coach who paid WVU $1.5 million to go to Michigan, had some influence to Rodriguez.

Now boosters are threatening to pull money. Former Fidelity COO and Mountaineer alum Bob Reynolds said “I’ve had calls from at least six major contributors to the program, and they’re all done [donating] because they know the Mickey Mouse things that have gone on there,” Mr. Reynolds continued. “I’ve been in business 36 years, and it’s the worst business decision I’ve ever seen. I’ve been the COO of a 45,000-person company. When somebody’s producing, you ask, ‘What can I do for you to make your life better?’ Not ‘What can I do to make your life more miserable?’ They have no idea how big this is. It’s frightening.” Uh oh…

Someone asked why West Virginia football has underachieved for years. Thomas came up with 17 reasons, but let me come up with a few. The peak of the program was them beating Georgia in the Sugar Bowl a few years ago (Thanks, Georgia). This gave Mountaineer faithful a false sense of who they really were. They forgot that even though that was a big win, their trophy case was filled with bowl wins such as the Continental Tire Bowl and the Sun Bowl, but no National Titles to speak of. If ESPN gave out a “Thursday Night Football” Championship trophy, they would have that too. The fact is that Mountaineer football has been mediocre for YEARS!!!!!!!

Some ‘Eer said that “We will be back”. While everyone says that, the elite programs eventually will be. Herein lies the problem: West Virginia is not, has not been, and never will be, an elite football program. The school has to recruit on a national level, because the state may have 5 top prospects a year playing high school football. So you have to go outside of that, assuming that those prospects don’t want to leave. Pitt has sucked too but at least they can say that they beat you guys at home. As soon as Penn State gets it together, they will lock up recruiting in that area. So West Virginia is screwed.

It is time to be buried. You Mountaineers have had a good run the past 6 years. The only thing that would have been great is a title, but instead you have the title of “The Most Wins of Any Program With No National Titles”. This is like the 6th place ribbon they give to a kid in a “Hokey Pokey” contest for being able to stay on their feet. You’re done, over and buried. Your best players are probably gonna leave (either NFL or transfer), your coach and key members of the staff are now in Ann Arbor, your athletic director is a graduate of the Ken Lay School of Management, and John Denver sucks. Look on the bright side, at least the couches will be safe in Morgantown…

p.s. Hey Michigan, you might wanna hide the cheerleaders from Rodriguez…