Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

A Sports Blog on why ALL Teams Suck…Again!

Archive for January, 2008

The Chris Berman Meltdown

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 31, 2008

Chris Berman seems a little upset in this clip.

*Warning harsh language so don’t play this at work or around children.*

***Update You Tube has removed all Chris Berman Videos. However I have other sources. Here’s a repost of the video.

Posted in Chris Berman, ESPN, Evil Empire, NFL Football | Tagged: , , , | 1 Comment »

I See No Grammy in Romo’s Future.

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 31, 2008

While some in the liberal media claims Tony Romo punted Jessica Simpson from his life, Tony & Jessica were busy enjoying the musical sounds of “Metal Skool”. This video that was shot sometime last Thursday confirms what most people already know and that is the Cowboys suck, Romo can’t sing but he’s still a lucky bastard. I wish Simon Cowell was there to tear down this performance.

Posted in Dallas Cowboys, Simon Cowell, Tony Romo | Tagged: , , | Leave a Comment »

“Terrible” Terry Tate is Back!!! Sweetness

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 30, 2008

Posted in Terry Tate, satire | Leave a Comment »

T.O. Learns That Tears Like Tebow Can be Costly.

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 30, 2008

It was revealed that the tears of Terrell Owens cost him $769,120 yesterday. Shyam Das an arbitrator ruled against T.O. and the NFL Players Union.

The union disputed the Eagles’ effort to recover $1.725 million of the $2.3 million signing bonus the team paid the wide receiver when it signed him to a seven-year, $48.97 million deal in 2004.

When asked about the ruling Das said:

“I would have given the Eagles franchise the entire $1.725 million but that little bitch Owens starting balling like a baby. Just because I’m a court appointed arbitrator who holds two separate degrees, doesn’t mean I’m heartless.”

Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said this month he plans to pay Owens a $3 million roster bonus, so the All-Pro should have some extra cash to pay the Eagles.

“The original roster bonus was $1.5 million but his whining and crying was giving me a headache”

Tony Romo was quoted as saying:

“Great just I need another bitch calling me in the middle of the night and crying on the phone.”

To sum things up:

T.O. says “Get your popcorn ready!”

The NFL says “Get your checkbook ready!”

Disclaimer: As if it were not completely obvious, this article is complete crap and is purely the result of the unbalanced mind of the author. It is a fictional parody, and is not intended to be taken as fact. Neither this posting, those who created it, nor this blog are in anyway affiliated with the Philadelphia Eagles, NFL & T.O.’s cried out tear ducts or any of their staff.

Disclaimer to the first disclaimer: I borrowed some most of the wording for the disclaimer from Lawvol at Gate 21. Since he’s a real lawyer I hope he doesn’t mind.

Posted in Dallas Cowboys, Jerry Jones, Little Bitch, NFL Football, T.O., Terrell Owens, Tony Romo | Tagged: , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

This weeks Isiah Thomas sucks Post

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 30, 2008

Things aren’t really getting better for Isiah Thomas. It seems that his son Joshua “I’m a fuck up like dad except with less talent” Thomas was arrested recently by Bloomington Indiana police, for disorderly conduct and drinking alcohol while still being a minor.

The kicker is he was arrested after the Po Po had taken him to a local hospital to treat a swollen eye. Apparently someone in the bar hit him with a bottle or their fist. I wonder if that person was a New York Knicks fan. Oh wait never mind if they were then he would have been kidnapped and held until Thomas resigned.

When that day happens I’ll be ready to take over for Thomas. Here’s a detailed list of things I would do to make the Knicks a winning franchise again.

  1. Dangle Stephon Marbury off the Brooklyn Bridge, while asking him if he is ready to become a team player yet.
  2. Hire about 40,000 new fans.
  3. Show Eddie Curry tough love by ridiculing him for not going to college.
  4. Add Jason Kidd, Gilbert Arenas, Chauncey Billups & Steve Nash to the roster hoping to lure Tim Hardaway out of retirement.
  5. To promote team building exercises by having the team attack & disfigure James Dolan.
  6. Remind the players that every cog in the Knicks Franchise is important while they’re washing and waxing my car.
  7. Knowing what this team needs most is security and confidence that only a Hall of Fame coach can provide, try to re-hire Larry Brown.

Posted in Isiah Thomas, James Dolan, NBA, New York Knicks, Stephon Marbury, boo birds, dumbass | Tagged: , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

For The Thug Who Has Everything

Posted by Joel on January 29, 2008

dontdrop.jpg

Now this is a present. This game is basically a Monopoly, but instead of “Go To Jail”, you try to break out of jail and/or get parole. This is a description of the game from the official website:

Fight your way through 6 different exciting locations in hopes of being granted parole. Escape prison riots in The Yard, slip glass into a mob boss’ lasagna in the Cafeteria, steal painkillers from the nurse’s desk in the Infirmary, avoid being cornered by the Aryans in the Shower Room, fight off Latin Kings in Gang War, and try not to smoke your entire stash in The Hole.

The artistry of each handcrafted piece is matched with comparable humor & intelligence on every card. Stack your smokes, sharpen your shank, and get ready for an experience that only someone on the outside could appreciate.

Wow. What more can be said. Check out the game pieces. Who among us played Monopoly as a kid and thought “Wouldn’t it be cool if instead of a thimble I could use a Glock as my game piece???”

What’s the sports connection??? Well let’s see: The founder of the company and game is John Sebelius, son of Kansas Gov. Kathleen Sebelius. Kansas is where America’s “favorite” marijuana smuggling (and smoking), lawsuit avoiding, Valtrex popping, inaccurate throwing, dog killing QB Michael Vick is currently doing his time. But let’s think of the endless possibilities..

How about a “Playmakers” Edition featuring O.J., his white Bronco, memorabilia, copy of “If I Did It”, and a Naked Gun DVD for playing pieces???

Or a “Ballers” Edition, with Kobe attached to a blonde female hotel clerk, Roy Tarpley, transcripts of Tim Donaghy’s gambling probe, Jack Sikma’s perm, and WNBA TV Ratings???

Lastly, what about a “Juiced” version, with Jose Canseco, Barry Bonds, Marion Jones, a syringe, and a torn record book???

If they market this game right, it could be a gold mine. Of course, someone needs to mail some of these games to all SEC schools, so they can play as part of the “Super Secret Double Probation”…

Posted in Alabama, Alabama Crimson Tide, All SEC Teams Beware!!, Arkansas, Arkansas Razorbacks, Ass Whipping, Auburn, BCS, Bammers, College Basketball, College Football, Crazy Women, Crime & Punishment, Crimson Tide, DAvid Stern, DUI, Dawgs, Dead Drunk, Discipline, ESPN, Ed Orgeron, FBI, FSU, Feds, Fines, Florida, Florida Gators, Florida State Seminoles, Fulmer, Gamecocks, Gator Gangsters, Gator mafia, Georgia, Georgia Bulldogs, Go Vols, God, Goodell, Herban, Herban Meyer, Houston Nutt, Internet Rumors, Isiah Thomas, James Dolan, Johnnie Cochran, Judge Judy, Kobe, LSU Tigers, Little Bitch, MLB, Major League Baseball, Marijuana, Michael Vick, Mitchell Report, NBA, NCAA, NFL, NFL Football, NRA, NWA, New York Knicks, OJ, OJ Simpson, Ole Miss, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Pacman, Pacman Jones, Phillip Fulmer, Po Po, Police, Prison for Vick, Ricky Williams, SEC, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, Scams, Sports, Stephon Marbury, Tennessee, Tennessee Volunteers, The Juice, Touchdown Jesus, VIP Connection, Vick, Vick Plea, WVU, West Virginia, West Virginia Mountaineers, alcoholics, armed robbery, ass chewing, bad calls, bad drivers, bad newz kennels, baseball, basketball, bongs, boo birds, boosters, cheaters, classless, conVick, court tv, crazy, divorce court, dog fighting, drugs, dumbass, fired, football, gambling, guilty, ho, hooker, killer, legal troubles, marcus vick, mary jane, michael vick pleads guilty, mississippi state bulldogs, mobsters, moron, murderer, nickelback sucks, notre dame sucks, ole miss rebels, oliver stone, ookie, pimps, pitbull, pot, refs, repo, riots, satire, scandal, secrets, steroids, stupid, taser, taxes, team spirit, trader, trailer trash, ugly wives, upsets, vols, walk-on, whiners, white trash, whore, zeke | 1 Comment »

Bear Bryant is Haunting the LawVol *A Must Read*

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 29, 2008

Bear Bryant Still Haunts Me…
Excerpt:
Well, as has been mentioned in a variety of places, Bear Bryant died 25 years ago this past weekend, and that got me to thinking … which rarely turns out well for me.

The more I thought about it, the more it bothered me. The more it bothered me, the more I felt convicted to come clean. The more I felt convicted to come clean, the more ashamed I felt.

Thus, here I am — prostrate before the world — preparing to come clean. (click for more)

Posted in Sports | Leave a Comment »

A Better Blogger

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 29, 2008

Does getting linked by Deadspin make me a better blogger? Or am I a better blogger to begin with hence why I was linked on Deadspin? I know to freaking deep for you. :)

Posted in Sports | 6 Comments »

OK Clemens It’s Time for You to go on Reality TV

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 29, 2008

As some of you might have noticed lately, Roger Clemens seems to be in denial over the use of steroids. Quite frankly this fact alone is the reason why America can’t forget about the Mitchell Report.

Clemens is constantly reminding America that his personal trainer is lying even though the Mitchell Report also documents an incriminating paper trail as well. On December 26, 2007 Clemens’ lawyer began investigating the accusations made in the Mitchell Report.

“On Roger’s behalf, we are investigating the allegations about him contained in the Mitchell Report,” Clemens’ attorney, Rusty Hardin, said in a statement. “To our surprise, we have identified several people who logic dictates the Mitchell team should have talked to but did not. That’s troubling. We are asking questions and we encourage the news media to do the same.”

Of course Mr. Hardin fails to mention how Clemens refused to speak with Mitchell himself. Never mind telling the public that one little detail. As you know Clemens has sworn on “60 Minutes” that he was injected with “lidocaine and B-12″ and not steroids or human growth hormone by former trainer Brian McNamee. He’s even made a video for You Tube.

On January 8, 2007 Clemens played the world some seventeen minutes of a taped conversation with former trainer McNamee. Over and over, Clemens makes statements like, “I just want the truth out there and like I said, I can’t believe what is being said,” And, “Just the stuff I’m reading and hearing, so much of it is untrue and it’s just tearing everyone apart.”

The fact that Clemens called him on a ruse to talk about McNamee’s sick child and secretly tape the conversation is rather disgusting. It should also be noted that McNamee never said he didn’t inject Clemens with steroids. Plus the conversation supposedly last over an hour and somehow only 17 minutes are heard…

Clemens has filed a deformation lawsuit against McNamee only to turn around and use it as an excuse not to testify before Congress. Thankfully Congress isn’t buying that.

Rep. Christopher Shays (R-Conn.), a member of the House Oversight Committee – the panel that will (eventually) question Clemens said he wasn’t convinced by the seven-time Cy Young Award winner’s performance on “60 Minutes”.

“With Roger Clemens’ body language, I’m not comfortable when he was making those denials,” Shays said.

Compared to Roger Clemens, Jose Canseco is looking pretty honorable. He testified before Congress without immunity. Critics scoffed at Canseco’s book “Juiced”, but apparently it was all true. If Roger ever appears before Congress, you can be assured that he will plead the 5th to every question.

But now it has all come to this…Roger really only has one shot of making his case, and that’s to appear on the FOX show “The Moment of Truth”. And wouldn’t you know it he even has an invite from the creator of the show.

It seem the shows creator can settle this whole issue for us without Congress, besides I’m sure they’re busy doing other things. (I hope) Here’s what the letter said that was from the shows creator to Roger’s agent.

Dear Mr. Clemens,

.

Millions of people saw your recent interview with Mike Wallace on “60 Minutes.” Your struggle to clear your good name was admirable and I was moved by your frustration and your efforts to fight against these recent accusations. The ability to “un-ring” a bell is very difficult as I’m sure you know.

.

Mike Wallace asked you in your interview if you would be willing to take a polygraph examination in an effort to settle the matter. As you may know, there is a new show coming to FOX on January 23, 2008, called “The Moment of Truth.” I am the Creator and Executive Producer of the show.

.

The show is a very simple format: Participants are polygraphed prior to the show with between 50-60 questions. 21 questions are then selected to be asked from that examination during the taping of the show. Participants do not know which questions will be selected, nor do they know the results of the test. Participants can win up to $500,000 if they are able to go all the way to the 21st question.

.

While the $500,000 may not mean as much to a person in your financial situation, I would like to offer you the chance to accomplish two things: 1) Clear your name by answering the steroid question on the show, and 2) Donate any money you win to any charity of your choosing.

.

People have stood in awe at your incredible accomplishments in baseball. This show could let the world know that you are an incredibly courageous person as well to clear your name in front of a nationwide audience, all in the name of charity. I hope you will give serious consideration to this offer. We would love to be the opportunity for you to set the record straight.

.

Sincerely,

.

Howard Schultz


Roger has yet to respond to the letter. Imagine That.

Either way it’s time Roger puts up or shuts up.

The only thing that America really has learned from the Mitchell Report is this:

Those that have the most to lose will take the most chances.

Posted in Liar, MLB, Major League Baseball, Mitchell Report, Roger Clemens, steroids | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

OK Georgia Fans You’re Starting to Scare Me.

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 29, 2008

I’m all for supporting all Tennessee athletics whether it is men’s or women’s sports. However I refuse to go to the lengths as these two die hard Georgia fans pictured below are going.

These two not so “Manly” men are pictured at a women’s University of Georgia Gymnastics event. I firmly believe that they are protesting the recruiting tactics of Urban Meyer. At least that’s what I’m telling myself to make the nightmares stop.

 

Posted in Florida Sucks, Georgia Bulldogs, Urban Meyer, team spirit | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »