Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

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Archive for January 24th, 2008

WVU Update 1/25/08

Posted by Joel on January 24, 2008

So in keeping with my new found obsession into mismanagement of a Division 1-A (I refuse to call it the Bowl Subdivision), the latest salvo is a tried and true method made famous by Arkansas fans: The Freedom of Information Act. According to documents obtained by the AP, a series of e-mails between Mike Brown, Rich Rodriguez’s agent, WVU President Mike Garrison and his chief of staff Craig Walker show that Rodriguez long sought more operational and marketing control with the football program. He also wanted things like free game passes for high school coaches, an all-access pass for his cougar wife Rita, and seats for football recruits at WVU basketball games. Now there are two things that stick out at first glance. One, these requests are not that unreasonable, hell, they should be expected. But this is WVU so keep that in mind. The school’s football program has never been a national power (as evidence by the spot in the trophy case that has dust 9 inches thick in the spot where the national championship trophies go). The other thing that sticks out is that embattled athletic director Ed Pastilong was not involved in any of these emails, meaning that Rodriguez was so frustrated with the man that he went to his boss. Not good…

Also, there were several charges of interference by Gov. Joe Manchin into the Mountaineer program. Let’s see: the governor has time to poke his nose into the school’s football program, all the while the state has the second worst economy in the country and the third most fragile. Instead of trying to create jobs, bring in new industry, and try to raise the state’s GDP, he has time in his busy schedule to devote to the Mountaineer football team. Of course, the governor denies all of this, but let us not forget that he was all over the hiring process, even interviewing coaching candidates, so he hasn’t exactly had a clean track record when it comes to all things Mountaineer…

The final straw for the hated coach came in a last ditch meeting on Dec. 15 between Team Rodriguez and Garrison. Those same demands that Rodriguez asked for (marketing control, etc) was brought up. Garrison told Rodriguez basically “go to hell”. Instead, a couple of days later, Rodriguez went to Michigan.

On the surface, it looks like Rodriguez left over a few items that the school was too cheap to give him. But it goes deeper than that. Rodriguez was working in an environment where he wanted changes to reflect the “just about” big time status that West Virginia was obtaining, but the school was still stuck in the mentality that a horseless carriage would take West Virginia football players to the sockhop two counties over. He was sick of West Virginia being…well West Virginia. He couldn’t take anymore, and when his agent put in a feeler to the Wolverines, both sides couldn’t get to the bargaining table fast enough. Looking back, I can remember that everyone else in the country knew that Rodriguez was meeting with Michigan and Ed Pastilong thought that he was on a recruiting trip. Why this guy is still employed is still beyond me. His mismanagement of the athletic department and his smart ass attitude (he told Rodriguez after the loss to Pitt that losing would cause embarrassment for him at the Big East conference meetings, even though the school won the conference and was going to another BCS bowl game) has cost the school more than a couple of good coaches. The band of merry men that run the school, and by extension the state, have the management style of seasoned Iraqi generals under Saddam. I will nickname Ed Pastilong “Chemical Ali”.

Still, Rodriguez should cut the check and go. The school needs the money. And I just got word that they need to upgrade the above ground swimming pool that both their athletes and their administrators use for recreation. This is their current one…

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Posted in BCS, Big East, Coach Rich Rodriguez, Major Harris, Michigan, Michigan Wolverines, Pitt Panthers, The Big East, WVU, West Virginia, West Virginia Mountaineers, boo birds, boosters, crazy, dumbass, football, legal troubles, mentally challenged, moron, retarded, satire, scandal, stupid, upsets, whiners | Tagged: | 4 Comments »

What the Hell is a Techniques Coordinator?

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 24, 2008

Aggressive play is a key component of success in college football these days — in fact, it has always been important.” Fulmer said at the press conference. “I, along with our staff, have increasingly felt that we needed to work on playing more aggressively at the individual level. We’ve been working like heck on this, but felt that it was time to bring in a specialist in this area — if for no other reason than to have a fresh perspective on things. It is for this reason I am extremely excited to introduce new Tennessee Assistant Coach and Techniques Coordinator, Jules Winnfield.

Phil - Jules

Read more here at Gate 21 it’s truly hilarious.

Posted in Sports | 1 Comment »

So…Just How is the Search to Replace Dave Odom Going?

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 24, 2008

The coaching search for a replacement for Dave “They’re just internet rumors” Odom is supposedly underway. Here’s a list of future losers candidates that seems to be buzzing around, just one problem not many seem that interested in being booed during a home game.

Wichita State coach Gregg Marshall.

Marshall is the former Winthrop coach who defeated Notre Dame in the tournament last year. This truly marked the decline of all things “Fighting Irish”. Marshall held a press conference just to tell USC too bad, so sad. Except he was “PC” about it.

“Through nine seasons at Winthrop I’ve learned that you can’t control rumor and speculation from the media and other sources, so I felt I needed to make a statement.

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“My total focus is on building the Wichita State basketball program toward excellence. I have not been contacted by, nor have I contacted the University of South Carolina or any school, for that matter, for any position. Period.”

Virginia Commonwealth coach Anthony Grant

He’s young, energetic and a good coach. Just one problem VCU athletics director Norwood Teague would not grant permission for any school to speak to Grant during the season.

“The only job I’m interested in right now is VCU,” Grant said during the Colonial Athletic Association coaches teleconference. “We’ve got a great situation here, I’m excited about having a chance to go up and beat Hofstra tomorrow, and that’s where our focus is.”

Translation: I can get better plus a fat raise from this.

Those are the two front runners. You could do a poll in the state this week and get as much of a response on “Grant or Marshall” as you could for “Clinton or Obama.”

Other possibilities are:

Oklahoma coach Jeff Capel

Another good coach who’s younger, just one problem he’s definitely not interested.

“I’m not interested in anything except for coaching my team,” Capel told the Tulsa World newspaper. “That’s all.”

Translation: Why would I dream of leaving now and for all things USC?

Minnesota coach Tubby “Does Kentucky Miss Me Yet?” Smith

Problem with that is he’s already making $1.75 million a year.

Some former NFL running back now turned local radio talk show host who shall remain nameless (Duce Staley) has even thrown these names as possible replacements for Odom. Try not to laugh.

North Carolina coach Roy Williams

Bahahaha yeah…right…sure…lay off the drugs Duce.

Kansas coach Bill Self.

See comments above.

Apparently Duce believes only big name coaches build big time programs. Please someone do not tell Bruce Pearl that.

Now I’m here to help beleaguered AD Eric Hyman find a coach. So this is the list I’m planning on submitting to him. It’s, how you say, more realistic.

Knicks coach Isiah Thomas

I fully believe he’s going to be unemployed soon and whom better than to lead the Gamecocks to future failure than this man? Plus he might come cheap.

San Francisco coach Eddie Sutton

Sure he’s not as young as Hyman wants but he’ll eventually get to 800 wins, if he doesn’t die first. He has a lot of experience and built the Oklahoma State program. All USC has to do is overlook the 6-7 martini lunch and 12 pack of Budweiser film sessions.

Former Missouri coach Quinn Snyder

What are a few NCAA violations mixed with cocaine addiction anyway? I think I saw Snyder at Starbucks in Wilmington, NC on a Saturday morning dressed like a 25 year old and driving a VW bus with a dent in the side. I think he’s working at The Gap part-time, but he can sing “Eye of the Tiger” really well.

Steve Newton

Oh wait sorry he’s already coached there and some USC fans are still blaming him for the current b-ball chicken curse.

Saint Luis coach Rick “I’m not Jabba the Hut’s Brother!” Majerus.

He has won a lot of games and apparently likes to naked. The thought of maybe seeing him naked would cause me to play a lot better, that’s for sure.

“The first time, [Utah was] recruiting me, and after the game I went down to the [Utes'] locker room,” says Jeff Johnsen, who signed with Utah in 1996. “His hair’s everywhere and his sweater’s off and he’s just drenched, and he’s eating a whole pizza in front of me and he’s like, ‘You want any?’ I grab a piece, and then he starts undressing and gets in the shower and is still talking to me. It was funny. It was weird. How many grown, fat, naked men do you see when you’re a high school kid?”

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Another player remembers Majerus calling him up to his hotel room on various occasions, and “he’d answer the door in his towel and I’d come in and the towel would fall off and it was like nothing had happened. He’d just be standing there buck naked. One year he had this lower-back injury, and he would have the trainer massage it with ultrasound. But instead of just lowering his pants a little bit, Majerus would pull his pants down to his ankles and sit in a chair and coach us. Sometimes he’d be like, ‘Guys, bring it in, take a knee.’ We’d come in, and we’re just like, No way this is happening.”

Umm ok…maybe I’ll scratch him off the list…besides at this rate even the Pope will hate him eventually.

Just sit back and relax to the smoothing sounds of Quinn Snyder.

Posted in Anthony Grant, Bruce Pearl, Dave Odom, Gregg Marshall, Internet Rumors, Isiah Thomas, Liar, SEC Basketball, SEC Coaches, Tubby Smith, USC, Virginia Commonwealth, Wichita State, satire | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »