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Archive for January 28th, 2008

The Wheels on the South Carolina Gamecocks Moped Go Round & Round

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 28, 2008

Before I begin this rant I’m going to warn you that it is extremely biased. Not because it involves South Carolina but because I detest and loath those who ride mopeds. Every time I happen to be running late for work because I over slept due to a hard night of dwarf tossing or having sex with my ex who’s from Sparkle City. (that’s gangster for Spartanburg) For some reason we remain “friends”. I seem to get behind some 350+lbs. buffoon who happens to ride a moped.

It’s always the same idiot as well. He wears a helmet with a fucking spike in the middle. The spike in his helmet doesn’t erase the tag that says “moped”. Why doesn’t the police make him use a tag that says “DUI” instead? Why else would a 45 year old drive a moped in 20 degree weather in the first place? If I didn’t love my Acura RL so much I would gently tap his rear wheel going about 45 mph.

So when Jai Eugene of Loser With Socks sent me this story tip, I knew I had to act. I would have written this sooner but it was the weekend when he sent it and I’m a real slacker on the weekends. Plus I was rather enthralled with his piece on the 25th anniversary of the passing of Bear Bryant. I highly recommend everyone to go there right and read it then finish this up.

OK you’re back, good. Jai Eugene asked some interesting questions about the fact that Steve God Spurrier has to remind his team of moped safety.

Such as:

  • How do 30 players on a team all end up with mopeds?
  • Is this a recruiting issue:
  • What’s your 40 time?
  • How much can you squat?
  • What color is your Vespa?

Those are very good questions indeed but I have some of my own.

  • Why is the moped fairy only gracing USC?
  • Is it because they feel sorry for USC because they’re mediocre in almost every sport?
  • Does the NCAA regulate the amount of mopeds a schools football program can have?
  • Are any of the 30 or so players associated with the “Moped Army“?
  • Does this have any bearing on the fact the USC offense ran just like a moped? Except with a lot more sputtering.

I contacted my source within the USC football program and to clear things up the players aren’t using Vespas, they’re using the cheap Slovenian manufacturer Tomos mopeds instead. No one knows why so many USC players have these mopeds or if the school supplied them with the mopeds. All anyone is sure about is Steve God Spurrier is concerned about moped safety and held a class about it this past week. Why is Spurrier going through such measures? Well, as the story says:

Backup tight end Nick Prochak was hospitalized with a broken leg after being struck by a car Jan. 18 on Blossom Street; reserve fullback Clark Gaston avoided serious injury when he collided with a car backing out of a driveway on South Marion Street on Wednesday afternoon..

“Guys can’t see you as well as being in a car so everybody’s got to be careful,” Gaston said. “My situation, the guy just pulled out in front of me, and there was nothing I could do.”

Neither player was wearing a helmet, which are required for drivers under 21 in South Carolina.

Wow USC players breaking the most common and idiotic laws, who would have thought it.

Freshman quarterback Stephen Garcia, one of about 30 players with scooters, said Spurrier addressed the issue during a team meeting.

“He just said, ‘Be careful and wear a helmet,’ ” Garcia said.

What a teacher Spurrier is!!! The sad reality is instead of recruiting and coming up with defensive schemes with the brand new defensive coordinator, God Spurrier has been reduced to telling his players to be careful. I would think that’s something they should have known. Oh wait he threw that hissy fit and got the school to actually change the policy guidelines so even Jerrell Powe could get in, so maybe the players really are that stupid.

My source also sent me a recent recruiting video.

Posted in Discipline, Gamecocks, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, South Carolina Gamecocks, Steve Spurrier, dumbass, moped, satire | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 8 Comments »