Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

A Sports Blog on why ALL Teams Suck…Again!

Archive for February 1st, 2008

This Is Why The Grizzlies Suck!!!

Posted by Joel on February 1, 2008

Ok, so I am a Grizzlies fan. I am proud to be a fan of my home town team. Memphis has been the “Susan Lucci” of pro sports cities for a long time, so when the Grizzlies moved in 2001, I was hooked instantly. The franchise has had some success since moving, making the playoffs twice. But when the team has been bad, it’s been horrible. I would hope those of you still reading this post (if you didn’t move on after reading this was a post about a sorry NBA franchise) would allow me to vent. After all, Thomas created this blog to show “how ALL sports teams suck”…

Today, the Grizzlies traded star forward Pau Gasol to the Los Angeles Lakers for (drumroll please) center Kwame Brown, guard Javaris Crittenton, guard Aaron McKie, the rights to Pau’s younger brother Marc, and first round picks in the 2008 and 2010 draft. According to reports, the Grizzlies traded an unhappy star while in his prime and got cap relief in the process.

Let me translate what the Grizzlies got in return: the poster child of broken confidence and draft busts (Brown), another guard that they did not need (Crittenton), a guard who is old and on the inactive list (McKie), Gasol’s younger brother (who couldn’t even do squat against private school competition while going to school in Memphis), and 2 draft picks with a franchise that has been more miss than hit when it comes to draft picks. What the hell??? The Grizz might as well have just asked the Lakers for some bags of rice with all the magic beans they just got from LA. The team has been shopping Gasol for a while now and was rumored to go to the Bulls for a few actually good players (Gordon, Deng) but the best we could get back was Kwame Brown??? I think Woody Paige would have been a better fit for the team’s up tempo style, plus he is just as much of a stiff as Kwame Brown.

This is a franchise that doesn’t know what the hell they are doing right now. It is at best no more of an unmitigated disaster than post WWII Dresden. The team plays in a brand new arena with decent sight lines, you can get a $5 ticket to watch a game, and yet the team struggles to draw 10,000. When did the team become the Atlanta Hawks???

So what now??? I say they trade guard Mike Miller, build around Rudy Gay and Mike Conley and go from there. I am calling for owner Mike Heisley to sell the franchise to someone locally who will give a damn about the team. The team cannot relocate because of a city-franchise agreement, so sell to FedEx Founder/CEO Fred Smith, rename the team the Express or something related to package delivery, and call it a day. Or they could name the team the Bullets, since there’s millions of those flying around the city (though the Wizards may have an issue with that). The point being is that crap rolls downhill, and even though I said in the About the Wirters section that there are 547 Grizzlies fans worldwide, at this rate by this season’s end there will be 329. I will still be one, if only because my blood pressure is already high enough, so what the hell would a few more points matter???

As for what to do with the Pau Gasol jersey that I bought a few years ago (caught it on sale from Marshall’s when the NBA switched from Reebok to adidas apparel), I do have a solution, because we are a solutions-oriented blog:

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*Disclaimer: My dog Jake were harmed in any way for the making of this post. This is not Bad Newz Kennels in VA and am not in any way, shape, or form connected with Michael “Ookie” Vick, his child molesting little brother Marcus, or any other dog fighting members of the Vick family…

Posted in Ass Whipping, ESPN, Grizzlies, Hawks, Internet Rumors, Kobe, Lakers, NBA, armed robbery, ass chewing, bad calls, bad newz kennels, basketball, boo birds, boosters, cat killer, classless, crazy, dumbass, satire, scandal, stupid, team spirit, trader | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Spurrier Has Found a Way to Bring a Title to South Carolina

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on February 1, 2008

As I approached the University of South Carolina practice facilities I noticed a lot of men and women wearing white lab coats. My source within the athletic department was right something big was definitely amiss.

I heard strange chatter from all around. Terms like “macroscopic spacecraft”, “negative energy field” & “postulating the matter” were being uttered. My first thought was that these were football plays being called out. Then suddenly I heard Steve God Spurrier speak in the midst of all this jargon.

“Get that quantum mechanical doohickey to work damn it, I have a national title to claim!” he roared.

Acting on the instructions of my source I sprang into action.

“Coach, Coach Spurrier. I’m Kip Slate of “The Daily Gamecock” would you mind answering some questions for our readers?” I asked

“Naw I don’t mind, it ain’t like these overpaid science fellows are making progress. They would never make on football team except as water boy.” he said.

“Well, that was my first question Coach just what the heck is going on here?” I asked.

“This? Well this is the path to USC’S first national football championship.” he said.

“I don’t think I’m following Coach are you saying your developing super football players here?”

He laughed a little and said “No, I wish it that easy. I’ll explain it to you. You see there wasn’t any college football played in 1870. So what we’re doing is build us a little time machine so I can take my team and maybe take the SC State Bulldogs and play us a national title game in 1870.”

“Have you gone insane Coach?” I asked.

That look of determination struck his face and he had a disturbing look in eye and calmly said “The General Theory of Relativity extends the Special Theory to cover gravity. It does this by postulating that matter “curves” the space in its vicinity. But under relativity, properties of space are fairly interchangeable with properties of time, depending on one’s perspective, so that a curved path through space can wind up being a curved path through time. In moderate degrees, this allows two straight lines of different length to connect the same points in space; in extreme degrees, theoretically, it could allow timelines to curve around in a circle and reconnect with their own past.”

I’ll admit I was awe struck. The man I love to make fun of was not only a great coach but an expert in physics as well.

“Wow, why have you been hiding this secret knowledge of time travel for so long?” I asked.

He said “Aww shucks it my smarts I just read it off that sign over there on the wall.”

“Oh…Ok. Aren’t you worried about changing the future and the catastrophe it might cause?” I probed

“Look it’s just game. One title for this hellhole I’ll bring the players back and then I can say I fulfilled what I started here. And once that’s complete I’m back to the year of 02. Instead of going to try and coach in the NFL my rear-end is staying at Florida. Now if you’ll excuse me I got a fire to light on the britches of these science fellows.”

I left the site with mixed feelings. I knew it would suck if this would work. That would mean neither Joel nor I could rag USC about not winning a football title. I decided right then and there to foil this plan and the only group of people I could turn to were just as devious if not more so, than the Ole Ball Sack Coach, but I had no choice in the matter.

Reluctantly I sent an e-mail to the University of Alabama Alumni Association detailing Spurriers plans. I immediately received an e-mail back and giving a number to call. I called gave them the details of the plan and the person I spoke with assured me they would send spies over and recruiters with cash in pocket to sway some of the scientists to joint them.

A few days later I received another e-mail requesting me to call them again. I did so and was immediately placed on hold. Then on the other end of the line I heard the voice of Satan himself speak.

“Hello, this is Nick Saban I just want to thank you personally for what you have done us and my career. We have hired some significant scientists to steam roll this project for us. We have even taken funds from our emergency “Bribes to Recruits & NCAA Officials” bank account. This is big news! Would you like to join us for our “Got 13?” pre-party? I can send the universities plane “Logan Young One” to pick you up”

I slammed down the phone I helplessly cried out “What have I done?”

I wonder if it was worth denying USC one national title at the price of Alabama claiming another one. Then I realized it was worth it. After all this will just be another mythical national title for Bama, so yeah it was worth it.

Posted in Alabama Crimson Tide, Bama Sucks, Bama'zoids, Bammers, Logan Young, NFL Football, Nick Saban, South Carolina Gamecocks, Steve Spurrier, Time Travel, USC, boosters | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Gator Bait

Posted by Joel on February 1, 2008

Courtesy of our friends at Rush The Court, here’s pics of Florida alum and ESPN reporter Erin Andrews…

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Posted in ESPN, Florida, Florida Gators, Gator Gangsters, Gator mafia | Tagged: , | 1 Comment »