Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

As I approached the University of South Carolina practice facilities I noticed a lot of men and women wearing white lab coats. My source within the athletic department was right something big was definitely amiss.

I heard strange chatter from all around. Terms like “macroscopic spacecraft”, “negative energy field” & “postulating the matter” were being uttered. My first thought was that these were football plays being called out. Then suddenly I heard Steve God Spurrier speak in the midst of all this jargon.

“Get that quantum mechanical doohickey to work damn it, I have a national title to claim!” he roared.

Acting on the instructions of my source I sprang into action.

“Coach, Coach Spurrier. I’m Kip Slate of “The Daily Gamecock” would you mind answering some questions for our readers?” I asked

“Naw I don’t mind, it ain’t like these overpaid science fellows are making progress. They would never make on football team except as water boy.” he said.

“Well, that was my first question Coach just what the heck is going on here?” I asked.

“This? Well this is the path to USC’S first national football championship.” he said.

“I don’t think I’m following Coach are you saying your developing super football players here?”

He laughed a little and said “No, I wish it that easy. I’ll explain it to you. You see there wasn’t any college football played in 1870. So what we’re doing is build us a little time machine so I can take my team and maybe take the SC State Bulldogs and play us a national title game in 1870.”

“Have you gone insane Coach?” I asked.

That look of determination struck his face and he had a disturbing look in eye and calmly said “The General Theory of Relativity extends the Special Theory to cover gravity. It does this by postulating that matter “curves” the space in its vicinity. But under relativity, properties of space are fairly interchangeable with properties of time, depending on one’s perspective, so that a curved path through space can wind up being a curved path through time. In moderate degrees, this allows two straight lines of different length to connect the same points in space; in extreme degrees, theoretically, it could allow timelines to curve around in a circle and reconnect with their own past.”

I’ll admit I was awe struck. The man I love to make fun of was not only a great coach but an expert in physics as well.

“Wow, why have you been hiding this secret knowledge of time travel for so long?” I asked.

He said “Aww shucks it my smarts I just read it off that sign over there on the wall.”

“Oh…Ok. Aren’t you worried about changing the future and the catastrophe it might cause?” I probed

“Look it’s just game. One title for this hellhole err..school. I’ll bring the players back and then I can say I fulfilled what I started here. And once that’s complete I’m back to the year of 02. Instead of going to try and coach in the NFL my rear-end is staying at Florida. Now if you’ll excuse me I got a fire to light on the britches of these science fellows.”

I left the site with mixed feelings. I knew it would suck if this would work. That would mean neither Joel nor I could rag USC about not winning a football title. I decided right then and there to foil this plan and the only group of people I could turn to were just as devious if not more so, than the Ole Ball Sack Coach, but I had no choice in the matter.

Reluctantly I sent an e-mail to the University of Alabama Alumni Association detailing Spurriers plans. I immediately received an e-mail back and giving a number to call. I called gave them the details of the plan and the person I spoke with assured me they would send spies over and recruiters with cash in pocket to sway some of the scientists to joint them.

A few days later I received another e-mail requesting me to call them again. I did so and was immediately placed on hold. Then on the other end of the line I heard the voice of Satan himself speak.

“Hello, this is Nick Saban I just want to thank you personally for what you have done us and my career. We have hired some significant scientists to steam roll this project for us. We have even taken funds from our emergency “Bribes to Recruits & NCAA Officials” bank account. This is big news! Would you like to join us for our “Got 13?” pre-party? I can send the universities plane “Logan Young One” to pick you up”

I slammed down the phone I helplessly cried out “What have I done?”

I wonder if it was worth denying USC one national title at the price of Alabama claiming another one. Then I realized it was worth it. After all this will just be another mythical national title for Bama, so yeah it was worth it.