Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

A Sports Blog on why ALL Teams Suck…Again!

Archive for February 6th, 2008

Reinstitute Operation: Keep The Tigers Out The Clubs!!!!!!!

Posted by Joel on February 6, 2008

According to reports out of Memphis, University of Memphis forward Robert Dozier has been accused of hitting his ex-girlfriend, LaParis Woods. The incident happened on 2/6/08 at 3:30 am. Apparently, Dozier and Woods were at Plush nightclub (conveniently located on world-famous Beale St) and left the club in the early hours. Woods, according to the report, was followed in her car by Dozier before they both pulled over. After an argument, Dozier allegedly hit Woods twice with an open hand. In the interest of full disclosure, here is a pic of Ms. Woods:


I know the pic is small, but nothing, and I mean nothing, says classy like gold thigh high boots posing in front of an airbrushed pic of a bottle of Moet….

Sound familiar??? This is the second time that the Tigers have found trouble, ironically at the same club. Back in September, sophomore Shawn Taggart and freshman Jeff Robinson were arrested and charged with inciting a riot (yes, you read that right) after senior Joey Dorsey allegedly started trouble. Truly, Dorsey showed “senior leadership”.

After the first incident, coach John Calipari initiated a curfew for Tiger players, encouraging people to take pics with cell phones if any Tiger players were seen out after curfew, especially at night clubs in Memphis. Once the season started, he lifted the ban.

OK, I am calling out all the citizens of Memphis. Nothing good happens after midnight. People get in more trouble after 12 am and if you feed a Mogwai, it turns into a Gremlin (God Phoebe Cates was hot). Get together and keep these guys occupied. Idle time is the devil’s workshop. Do NOT let them into any of the clubs, including Plush, Premiere, Senses, bars such as Wet Willie’s, Pat O’Brien’s, or any titty bars like Platinum Rose, Ebony & Lace, and any other bars that have not been shut down due to the “Public Nuissance” crackdown. Here is a short list of things that you can do if you see ANY members of the basketball team that are not in class, at practice, or study hall:

*Have you been to the Memphis Zoo lately??? They probably haven’t either.

*The Stax Museum is always informational.

*Take a Tiger player and his girlfriend to the Memphis Botanical Gardens.

*The Memphis Symphony Orchestra will be doing its 14th annual “MLK Tribute” featuring the Central High School Chorus (my old high school).

If all else fails, take them to Gus or A&R BBQ, grab an ice cream cone from Dixie Queen, and take them back to the dorm. If the Tigers don’t make it to the NCAA Final Four and win the whole damn thing, don’t blame them if half of the bench is locked up in 201 Poplar. It will be Memphians who are at fault. Just ask yourself the following questions: What time is it??? Why are the Tigers at the club again??? And what can I do to get these guys out of the club and back to the dorm…safely??? If all else fails, if they are at the plush, there is a church right around the corner. Pray that something else doesn’t happen.


Phoebe Cates headshot from the 80′s…

Posted in College Basketball, Conference USA, Crazy Women, Discipline, ESPN, Memphis Tigers, NCAA, boosters, crazy, dumbass | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Either Kevin Hart Attempted the Greatest Recruiting Scam Ever or a Number of D-I Schools have Recruiting Officials Impersonating Them.

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on February 6, 2008

Meet Kevin Hart a 6-foot-5, 290-pound left guard — listed as a two-star prospect by in this years recruiting class. Fernley high school offensive lineman Kevin Hart was all set to commit to Oregon. But on Friday, during an assembly in front of the entire school, Hart chose California over the Pac-10 rival Ducks.

“They really won me over,” Hart, who will be the first Fernley athlete to receive a full scholarship to a Division I school directly out of high school, said of the Golden Bears. “Coach (Jeff) Tedford and I talked a lot, and the fact that the head coach did most of the recruiting of me kind of gave me the real personal experience.”

With Cal and Oregon hats sitting on a table in front of him on Friday, Hart explained what his decision came down to and then donned the Cal cap to cheers from classmates and his parents and grandparents sitting in the front row.

His parents and teachers were happy for him. They could not wait till he got out to Berkley to experience the college life, start smoking pot & and only call when money was needed.

Something strange happened. Less than 10 hours after Hart proclaimed Cal was his college of choice questions was raised. Questions like when are you leaving? Will you miss us? And since when did Cal even offer you a scholarship since they have never heard you? You know the basics.

By Sunday neither Hart’s father, Richard, nor Fernley Coach Mark Hodges would confirm the status of any offers. Oregon, Nevada, Illinois and Oklahoma State were said to be other finalists. Both men also declined to comment in depth on the entire situation because, as Hodges said, it is under “law enforcement investigation.”

Wait the Po Po was called? You mean Jeff Tedford has someone impersonating him? Maybe he “blacks out” and forget he recruits these kids.

“This is involving law enforcement and may involve other departments, other than the NCAA, that are bigger than local,” said Hodges, “I would love to tell you everything I know, but I can’t at this time and I’m not even sure what I know. Up until the other night I was a happy man.”

“The NCAA is involved because Cal and Oregon are involved,” said NIAA executive director Eddie Bonine, “It could be that someone was impersonating those schools.”

Un”fucking”believable!!! Remember according to Hart himself he and Jeff talked a lot. So it’s obvious Jeff Tedford was high from his players supply. Hart turned down offers from Oregon, Nevada, Illinois and Oklahoma State.

But both Oregon and Cal say Hart who? Who is this nut job?

“He was never in our system,” Dave Williford, Oregon assistant athletic director for media services, said.

Basically the kid is a pathological liar. In fact Hart’s school district can’t even find any school that offered him a scholarship.

This kid is psycho and apparently is doing everything to make himself look good in front of his peers and parents.

Phil Fulmer GO SIGN THIS BOY NOW. Our recruiting class is sad. We need someone this crazy. If he’s willing to attempt to pull this scam off then imagine how hard he could work to become a starter.

Of course you won’t be able to trust him but considering the 4 arrests lately it seems you can’t trust any of the players. Get him now before Nick Saban signs him, you fat non-recruiting bastard.

Posted in Big Orange, Cal, Liar, Oregon Ducks, Phillip Fulmer, Rocky Top, SEC Football, Scams, University of California berkeley, cheaters, satire, scandal | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »