Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

A Sports Blog on why ALL Teams Suck…Again!

Breaking Down the Tennessee Volunteers 08 Recruiting Class

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on February 7, 2008

Well signing day has come and gone and of course pessimistic Volunteer fans aren’t happy with this years class. One thing they seem to forget is Tennessee was only going to sign a small number of players this year due to the large numbers they signed last year. Not to mention that fact Tennessee isn’t really losing many players.

I’m here to breakdown this years class and predict their future as it relates to Tennessee football. Then the pessimists shall be silenced.

E.J. Abrams-Ward ****

Position: LB & FB

Other schools that offered:

  • Boston College
  • Clemson
  • South Carolina

Strengths:

  • Agility
  • Athleticism
  • Lateral Movement

Weakness:

  • Pass Coverage Skills
  • Bad Breath
  • Split ends

Prediction:

He’s a good player. So that probably means he’ll be under utilized thus his talent will be wasted. He’ll enter the NFL via free agent and make the pro bowl within 5 years. While Tennessee fans will question why he was to busy braiding his hair on the sidelines instead of playing.

Steven Fowlkes ***

Position: DE

Other schools that offered:

  • Arkansas
  • Miss. State
  • South Carolina

Strengths:

  • Straight ahead speed

Weakness:

  • St. Louis Cardinals fan

Prediction:

Mostly likely will be on defense. He’s originally from College Park. Steven will get homesick and asked to be released from scholarship, Phil will oblige. He then will sign with Georgia and become an all American.

Dallas Thomas not rated

Position: OT, DT

Other schools that offered:

  • Alabama
  • FSU
  • LSU
  • Ole Miss

Strengths:

  • Quick for a lineman
  • Resisted Alabama
  • Has the name Thomas

Weakness:

  • Has the name Dallas
  • Fucked up haircut
  • Carries a purse
  • Wears an earring.

Prediction:

Wash out and then enrolls at the University of Alabama School of Interior Design where he’ll meet Julio Jones. Both will fall in love with each other and move to Montana to raise sheep.

Casey Kelly ***

Position: QB

Other schools that offered:

  • Alabama
  • Arizona State
  • Oregon
  • North Carolina

Strengths:

  • Resisted Alabama

Weakness:

  • Likes baseball and admitted that if drafted high enough he’ll abandon football all together.

Prediction:

Leaves school after being drafted by the Yankees. After fruitless years in the minor leagues Casey will leave baseball and become a drug addict. He is destined to OD behind a Waffle House where his last thought before he passes will be “I should have never left Tennessee.”

Montori Hughes ***

Position: DT

Other schools that offered:

  • Tennessee State
  • Jackson State

Strengths:

  • Intensity
  • Mobility

Weakness:

  • Are those man boobs?

Prediction:

Leaves school to hunt and kill the person that broke his heart, Dallas Thomas.

Willie Bohannon ***

Position: DE

Other schools that offered:

  • Alabama
  • Kentucky
  • Ole Miss

Strengths:

  • 42 career sacks in high school
  • Resisted Alabama

Weakness:

  • Arrogance
  • Has the name Willie
  • Listens to Whitney Houston

Prediction:

Willie will most likely not qualify academically. He’ll enroll in some community college where Urban Meyer will “discover” him and sign him. Willie is destined to break more laws than Tony Joiner.

Prentiss Waggner ***

Position: CB

Other schools that offered:

  • Auburn
  • Ole Miss
  • North Carolina
  • Florida
  • Nebraska

Strengths:

  • Told Meyer to go fuck himself
  • Looks means as hell

Weakness:

  • I’m too frightened to say.

Prediction:

20-25 Armed robbery and aggravated assault.

Marlon Walls ***

Position: LB

Other schools that offered:

  • Arkansas
  • Auburn
  • Florida
  • Ole Miss

Strengths:

  • Told Meyer to go fuck himself
  • Fools people by making them think he’s high all the time

Weakness:

  • He really is high all time.

Prediction:

He will be kicked off the team in his junior year for drug use. He’ll then go to some small school get an internship to the publication “High Times”. Twenty years later he’ll be the editor.

StePhaun Raines **

Position: S

Other schools that offered:

  • None

Strengths:

  • Who the hell knows

Weakness:

  • The name StePhaun
  • Cosby Show Fan

Prediction:

Will get beaten up by other team mates for doing bad impersonations of Bill Cosby.

Gerald Williams ****

Position: LB

Other schools that offered:

  • Everyone and their mother

Strengths:

  • Tackling machine

Weakness:

  • JC so only have him for two years

Prediction:

Excellent player for 2 years and only arrested once. First round draft pick barring injury.

Herman Lathers ***

Position: LB

Other schools that offered:

  • Alabama
  • LSU
  • Ole Miss

Strengths:

  • Resisted Alabama
  • Speed

Weakness:

  • Pointy ears
  • Named Herman

Prediction:

Eventually quit school and draw disability for PTSD because his teammates made fun of his pointy ears and his first name.

Rodriguez Wilks ***

Position: WR

Other schools that offered:

  • Alabama
  • Florida
  • Georgia Tech
  • Kentucky
  • Michigan
  • South Carolina

Strengths:

  • Hands and concentration
  • Speed
  • Strength
  • Told Meyer to go fuck himself
  • Resisted Alabama

Weakness:

  • Running ability
  • Takes a good mug shot

Prediction:

A clone of Robert Meacham and like Meacham will suck for two years, be awesome his third year and leave school. After that no one will hear from him again.

Preston Bailey

Position: OL

Other schools that offered:

  • Miami
  • Georgia Tech
  • Michigan

Strengths:

  • Aggressiveness
  • Drive Blocking Skills
  • Power

Weakness:

  • Technique

Prediction:

Just like most linemen we’ll never really hear his name called until he gives up a sack. Stays the full four years. Becomes a Vol TV/Radio announcer just like Will Overstreet.

Ben Bartholomew ***

Position: FB

Other schools that offered:

None

Strengths:

  • Grandfather played for UT

Weakness:

  • Recruited because he’s a legacy.
  • Looks “Privileged”

Prediction:

Ben will never see any real playing time. Drops out after junior year because he got a freshman pregnant.

Carson Anderson **

Position: OG

Other schools that offered:

None

Strengths:

  • None that I could find

Weakness:

  • Fat
  • Looks retarded
  • Sweats in below zero temperature

Prediction:

People will call him stupid & fat. Phil will be embarrassed by this and find some reason to boot him off the team. Carson will return to UT on an academic scholarship. He’ll go on to write a Pulitzer Prize winning book called “The Tao of Fat & Stupid Phil Fulmer”

Tauren Poole ***

Position: RB

Other schools that offered:

  • Auburn
  • Clemson
  • Maryland
  • South Carolina
  • Vandy

Strengths:

  • Power
  • Tackle breaking ability
  • Vision

Weakness:

  • He smiles in photos
  • Breakaway speed

Prediction:

That smiling will get him into a fight his sophomore year where he’ll be promptly arrested and tasered. Nerve damage will be the end result of his smiling. Instead of telling UT medical staff of ever increasing pain he will “self medicate” with the help of a bong much like Coker did and his career will end just like Coker’s did. Coker smiled a lot too.

Austin Johnson ***

Position: MLB

Other schools that offered:

  • Alabama
  • South Carolina

Strengths:

  • Tackling Technique
  • Size
  • Toughness
  • Resisted Alabama
  • Soap opera good looks

Weakness:

  • Foot quickness
  • Instincts
  • Shedding ability
  • Soap opera good looks

Prediction:

After fucking Crompton’s girlfriend, Phil Fulmer will make sure he is booted for “team rule violations”.

Aaron Douglas ****

Position: TE

Other schools that offered:

  • None

Strengths:

  • Competitiveness
  • Courage
  • Hands and concentration

Weakness:

  • Strength
  • Looks sleazy

Prediction:

Will probably be the best one out of the recruits. His career will skyrocket until his first injury. He will then get Jeremy Shockey Syndrome where he’ll be injured every game for the rest of his life.

So there you it. See? It’s not as bad as it looks. It’s much worse. :)

13 Responses to “Breaking Down the Tennessee Volunteers 08 Recruiting Class”

  1. [...] is a humorous breakdown of the Vols class with a Thug Ratio factored in [YMSWWC].  And a more scholarly version from [...]

  2. ghostofneyland said

    One of the funniest things I’ve read in a while. Seriously, the Carson Anderson entry is classic.

  3. [...] until tears came at Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain’s take on this year’s Vols recruiting class. This is more than likely how UT’s recruiting class will turn out. PROCEED WITH CAUTION. [...]

  4. I appreciate that. Thank you.

  5. zigzag said

    Fatso’s enthusiasm is stunning.

  6. SubwaySandwich said

    Not funny at all. I now feel dumber that I had to go through with that. It seemed like there were some racial undertones. Nothing more cliche’ that a black guy getting arrested. When’s the next Klan rally douche bag?

  7. “Not funny at all. I now feel dumber that I had to go through with that.”

    You should feel dumb after all you didn’t have to go through anything. If you fail to click the X then it’s your problem not mine.

    “It seemed like there were some racial undertones. Nothing more cliche’ that a black guy getting arrested.”

    You know I took that comment to heart. I asked a good of mine who happens to be African American and the other writer for this very site. Joel told me if I ever wrote anything racist he would let me know. Now if you thought or felt some parts of the post was racist I truly apologize because it was never intended to be racist. However if you’re saying it was racist because you really couldn’t think of anything else to say then shame on you.

    I also apologize to the following people for mentioning them in this post.

    People with split ends
    St. Louis Fans
    People actually named Dallas
    Men with man boobs
    Whitney Houston fans
    People who are high all the time
    Cosby show fans
    People with pointy ears
    Fat people
    Stupid people…on second thought I won’t apologize to them
    People who smile
    People with soap opera good looks
    People who look sleazy

    And there is something more cliche’ than a black guy getting arrested and that is a UT football player getting arrested. I think at last count it was 4 within the past 2 weeks. Three of them were from the same recruiting class. Go figure.

    “When’s the next Klan rally douche bag?”

    Ask Joel.

  8. Joel said

    @SubwaySandwhich:

    I personally want you next to me for the next Klan meeting, sponsored by YMSWWC. It will be on 3/12/08 at 4:15 pm. I have been able to teach the grand wizard how to do both the Superman and the Heisman.

    Just make sure to fix us some of those delicious Subway Sammiches. Plenty of mayo, because you know white supremacists LOVE mayo. Oh, I’ll have something for you too, and that is a nice cup of “read the WHOLE post” with a shot of a special “dumbass” chaser…

  9. [...] up. More analysis of Tennessee’s recruiting class than anyone should ever read — YMSWWC, Fulmer’s [...]

  10. Austin Johnson: Soap opera good looks

    This site is a depth-less gold mine of comedy.

  11. Ur fucking mom said

    listen here you little fucker

    carson could have gone to alabama

    he’s faster than you when u c food

    and he has a damn good looking gf

    go kill urself

  12. “listen here you little fucker

    carson could have gone to alabama”

    Funny Alabama didn’t recruit him.

    “he’s faster than you when u c food”

    I bet could out run me but only if I throw a Little Debbie Star Crunch 10 yards ahead of me.

    “and he has a damn good looking gf

    go kill urself”

    It’s nice to see you have a serious man-crush on him but it’s also disturbing. Seek some help. And don’t be jealous of his so-called girlfriend…she probably has a leak by now. :)

  13. car jacks said

    I have to say, that I can not agree with you in 100%, but it’s just my opinion, which indeed could be wrong.
    p.s. You have an awesome template for your blog. Where have you got it from?

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