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Archive for February 12th, 2008

YMSWWC’s “Official” NFL Draft Preview Picks 1-5

Posted by Joel on February 12, 2008

Well I am a little bit depressed because the TV will be polluted with coverage of Roger Clemens v. Brian MacNamee. How many times can one hear a variation of “It Wasn’t Me???” Examples: “I didn’t use steroids. Period.” “I did not have sexual relations with woman, Ms. Lewinsky.” “I didn’t kill my wife and her friend.” “I didn’t try to make it rain in the strip club.” “I am not a crook.” So with that said, let us instead focus on the future, where we can hope that this top rated prospect becomes either the next Dan Fouts or the next Tony Mandarich. This year, I think we might have both. Here are the official (unless Thomas says different) YMSWWC NFL Mock Draft Picks (1-5)

ani_mermaid2.gif Miami Dolphins: These heartbreakers have the distinct pleasure of picking first. Yes the needs are many. There is not a position on the field that they do not need any immediate help. Outside of Jason Taylor, you can pretty much trash the roster. In comes Bill Parcells. He will bring organization to a franchise that still is trying to recover from “Saban Nation”. I have heard that a certain billionaire wildcatter who is an Arkansas alum may be trying to trade up with a certain coach turned GM that used to sign that GM’s checks, and that would make sense. Dolphins could use 2 first round picks, but I don’t see that happening. With that said, they will take long hard look at Glenn Dorsey, Jake Long, and Chris Long. So the pick will be: Glenn Dorsey, DT, LSU.

a_sosheep_0205.jpgSt. Louis Rams-Yet another team that went through a hard season. These aren’t your 1999-2002 Rams anymore. They are more like the 1989-1998 Rams. Age, injuries, bad free agent signings have turned these rams into sheep (Quick Longhorn/Aggie joke: How do you know when you are getting close to AggieLand? When you start seeing the sheep back up to the fence). Defense is more of a need than offense at this point. Pick: Chris Long, DE, Virginia.

images.jpeg Atlanta Falcons-Wow. Holy weed smoking, dog fighting, carpet bagging, GM and Coach rejection Batman. What in the world is going on in the ATL??? Well this is actually an easy pick, just because they have one big black hole where the QB spot is (not the black hole that is being pounded in Leavenworth). I think this will be a bad pick, but somebody’s gotta overpay for an All-American QB, so it might as well be Arthur Blank. Pick: Matt Ryan (Leaf), QB, Boston College

soul-hc-c.jpg Kansas City Chiefs-Offensive Line, Offensive Line, Offensive Line. Yes, they need a QB and another WR, but what good is all of that if you have a revolving door for an offensive line??? It’s hard to think that the O-Line was just a few years ago spectacular. Even though I love Ryan Clady from Boise St., that makes too much sense, and the overlord team President known as Carl Petersen doesn’t make decisions that make sense. So: Jake Long, OT, Michigan

chibi-jack-sparrow-by-evilchibiminion.jpg Oakland Raiders-These are some of the most dedicated fans that I have seen, and yet, some of the scariest. I had a couple of friends that went to Whatevertheycallit Coliseum to see Oakland and the Titans play. They figured a nice trip to the Bay Area would be great. Let’s just say that it wasn’t a good trip. One word of advice: If making the trip to see a Raiders game, do NOT wear the other team’s colors unless your name is Kimbo Slice or you love the aroma of beer, weed, and middle aged biker chicks. Of course, this is Uncle Al’s team, and he LOVES offense. Guess who this pick will be??? Darren McFadden, RB, Arkansas

Picks 6-10 will be coming soon…

Posted in ACC, ACC Football, Alabama, Alabama Crimson Tide, Arkansas, Arkansas Razorbacks, Arthur Blank, Atlanta Falcons, BCS, Big 12, Big East, Big Twelve Football, Bobby Petrino, Boise State, College Football, Crazy Women, Crime & Punishment, Dallas Cowboys, Discipline, ESPN, Feds, Football Poll, Georgia, Goodell, Hip Hop, Internet Rumors, Jerry Jones, LSU Tigers, Marijuana, Michael Vick, Michigan, Michigan Wolverines, NCAA, NFL, NFL Football, Nick Saban, OJ, OJ Simpson, Pac 10, Pacman, Pacman Jones, Po Po, Police, Prison for Vick, Ricky Williams, SEC, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, SEC Speed, Scams, Sports, The Big East, Vick, Vick Plea, Virginia Cavaliers, aggies, bad calls, bad newz kennels, big 10, big ten, big ten football, bongs, boo birds, boosters, boston college, cheaters, conVick, court tv, crazy, dog fighting, draft pick, drugs, dumbass, fired, football, gambling, ho, killer, legal troubles, mary jane, miami dolphins, michael vick pleads guilty, notre dame sucks, pitbull, pot, satire, scandal, secrets, steroids, stupid | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Alabama’s Chosen Basketball Son Latrell “Asphyxiation God” Sprewell

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on February 12, 2008

Latrell “Asphyxiation God” Sprewell attended and played for the University of Alabama 1990-1992 under Coach Wimp “Sexual Harassment” Sanderson. He was the 24th pick in the 1992 NBA draft by the Golden State Warriors.

Sprewell made an immediate impact, starting 69 of the 77 games he played in during his rookie season and averaging 15.4 points per game. His performance would improve over the next few years, leading the team in scoring and playing for the Western Conference All-Star team in 1994, 1995, and 1997.

On December 1st 1997 Sprewell showed great courage by publicly denouncing overweight bearded men by threatening to kill his then coach P.J. Carlesimo and dragging him to the ground by his throat, choking him for 10-15 seconds before his teammates pulled Sprewell off his coach. Sprewell returned about 20 minutes later and landed a glancing blow at Carlesimo before being dragged away again.

Sprewell was suspended for 10 days without pay. The next day, in the wake of a liberal public uproar, the Warriors voided the remainder of his contract, further proof of how society is out to get Alabama and its current and former players. RTR!

The NBA expelled him from the league. Sprewell took the case to arbitration and, as a result of hefty under the table bribes, the contract voiding was overturned and the league suspension was reduced to the remainder of the season. RTR! Sprewell did not play again until January 1999, after the Warriors traded him to the New York Knicks.

In 2003, Sprewell made NBA history as he connected 9 of 9 from the three-point arc, making the most three pointers without a single miss en route to a season-high 38 points versus the Los Angeles Clippers (this has since been tied by Chicago Bulls’ Ben Gordon). After the season, Sprewell was traded to the Minnesota Timberwolves.

On October 31, 2004, the Minnesota Timberwolves offered Sprewell a 3 year, $21 million contract extension, substantially less than what his then-current contract paid him. Insulted, he publicly vented his outrage, declaring, “I have a family to feed. I made more from Alabama boosters RTR” He declined the extension, and, having once more drawn the ire of fans and sports media, had the worst season of his career in the final year of his contract.

One month into the 2005-06 season and without a contract, Sprewell’s agent, Bob Gist, said his client would rather retire than play for the NBA minimum salary, telling Sports Illustrated:

“Latrell doesn’t need the money that badly. To go from being offered $7 million to taking $1 million that would be a slap in the face. RTR”

Several days later, Gist said that Sprewell planned to wait until “teams get desperate” around the trade deadline in February, and then sign with a contending team (it never happened more proof of the liberal God & Alabama hating public perception). Gist said that Sprewell would not be interested in signing for any team’s $5 million mid-level exception, calling that amount “a level beneath which [Sprewell] would not stoop or kneel RTR!”

On January 31, 2007 Sprewell’s long term companion sued him for 200 million dollars for ending their relationship agreement. She claims Sprewell agreed to support her and their four children since they were in college. Rumor has it she’s an Auburn fan.

On August 23, 2007 Sprewell’s yacht titled “Milwaukee’s Best” was repo’ed. But keeping with the courage he developed while at Alabama Sprewell never flinched. He called the booster club knowingly they would help him out in a bind. Spreewell only received a measly 5 million from them. They used the excuse of having to pay Saban and bribe the NCAA as a reason of not giving more. RTR!

Today Sprewell is still showing Bama courage though even the school let him down. His home is up for foreclosure and his yacht sold at auction to help pay off the $1.3 million he owes on the boat, according to court filings.

Sprewell failed to make his mortgage payments of $2,593 (an amount the cheerleaders make per game) per month from September 2007 to January 2008, the documents said.

Wow, if he can’t even pay $2500 a month for a mortgage on his house, this guy really has to be down to absolutely nothing.

Some are ashamed of Alabama for allowing their chosen basketball son too actually sink so low. They believe the boosters should open the purse strings and float a loan to Spree, granted there’s anything left to give after that recruiting class they just signed. RTR!

Posted in Alabama Crimson Tide, Asphyxiation, Latrell Sprewell, Milwaukee's Best, Minnesota Timberwolves, P.J. Carlesimo, yacht | Tagged: , , , , , , | 2 Comments »