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Archive for April 14th, 2008

Madden 09 is Coming Sooner than you Think

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on April 14, 2008

The release of the new Madden videogame has become an event in its own right. Here is a list of everything players can get excited about in ’09, not counting roster changes:

  • Stupid HB Option play that would never work in real life but somehow works every damn time your friend Jacob does it
  • “Regular Life Mode,” where you play in real time as a regular person living a fairly ordinary existence who occasionally gets to watch a football game
  • Improved cover jinx will force this years cover boy to wander the Earth for all time, unable to rest, in an eternal search for a single honest man
  • “Raise An Athlete Mode,” where you act as a parent and must love and nurture your child’s talent for 20 years; fatal injuries can be switched off
  • 1,028 new fumble animations, one of which can be seen on every third play
  • Changed all the damn button controls around yet again so you have to relearn everything for the fourth time in five years
  • “Union President Mode” lets player withhold pensions from ex-players
  • When sacked for a loss of more than seven yards while playing the Wii version, television falls on you
  • New “Bust Mode” allows you to wash out after three disappointing seasons, start a new life as a car salesman or high school coach, and be interviewed about it by Jeremy Schaap
  • At some point in every Bears game, Jim Belushi shows up for an interview
  • “Actually Have Fun While Playing Mode,” where all of the bullshit features created in the past five years are switched off so you can actually have fun while playing

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Fans are Helping the Gamecocks by Showing Them What it Means to be Like Florida

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on April 14, 2008

The South Carolina faithful have stepped in & started showing the football players just what God Spurrier means when he says “Be like Florida.”

The first lesson happened at a Bank of America in just before 2 on Friday afternoon when coaches say the “Ultimate Cock” fan approached a teller and demanded money.

Coaches say the man never showed a weapon, but did threaten bank employees with yet another disappointing season if the teller didn’t comply.

At the time of the robbery lesson, he was seen wearing a green polo shirt, white USC cap, and sun glasses.

That looks more like a sandwich there chubby.

The Po Po say the suspect had already left the bank with a small amount of money by the time they arrived minutes later. Coincidencely on the same day an unidentified booster purchased “Beat Clemson” stickers for the helmets of all moped riding Cock players.

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