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Archive for April 20th, 2008

Well It’s About Time Danica, sheesh

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on April 20, 2008

After going 0-49 in her first fifty starts, Danica Patrick scored her long-awaited first IndyCar Series victory. Improving her overall record to 1-49. Patrick led only three of 200 laps and she certainly didn’t have the fastest car on the Twin Ring Motegi oval nestled in the mountains northwest of Tokyo. Her win was the product of a disciplined final stint that allowed her to stretch a 22-gallon tank of ethanol farther than anyone else & gave herself a pedicure in the process.

“Finally,” she said, fighting back tears in Victory Lane. “Finally. I knew there was a reason I always liked coming to Japan, beside the cool animated Japaneses porn.”

It’s arguably the most significant motorsport achievement to date for a female driver. But Patrick played it humble.

“It wasn’t even a matter of doing anything different,” she said. “It was everything coming together with a bit of luck and good pit strategy. I feel like a wuss crying, but it’s been a long time coming and I’m a chick. Have you seen my Go Daddy commercial? Yeah…lesbians want me. Finally …”

“I love this girl,” Andretti added. “She is just a first-class individual and I’m so happy that monkey is off her back and I wish I could just mount her right here right now! You’ll see — there is going to be more of this to come.”

“I can’t say that the last stint was exactly hard,” Patrick explained. “You’re taking it easy and taking care of the car. I did feel at the end that it was fast and I was managing to save fuel while still keeping the speed. And I heard from Kyle that all I needed to beat was Helio. “So when I saw him I knew I had been saving a little extra throughout the stint. I knew he was the one to beat and I didn’t want to make the mistake of not pushing really hard to get by him.”

As usual, Danica had her close-knit family by her side in Japan, including mom Bev, dad TJ, and husband Paul Hospenthal (or Mr. Danica Patrick if you prefer).

“She’s worked so hard, and I’m so proud of this team,” said Bev Patrick. “We finally got the win that everybody has been waiting for, and she’s been waiting for it more than them. Of course if I had a son he would have by now.”

“It’s the best day of my life,” TJ Patrick added. “I’ve dreamed about it and I’m so proud of her. For all the grief she gets over it, she just proved to everyone that she can win races, and she’s going to win a lot more. She better me and her mother are expecting to live La Vito Loca on her dime in our “golden” years”

“Let me show you what go daddy really means” she said.

Posted in Danica Patrick, Indy Car | Tagged: , | 1 Comment »

Which is Worse?

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on April 20, 2008

Knowing Memphis lost or knowing Justin Timberlake was pulling for them?

Knowing the Heat aren’t in the playoffs or knowing Pat Riley might have made sexual advances towards commissioner Stern in order to get into the playoffs?

Knowing that reliever Kyle Farnsworth was suspended for three games and fined for throwing a fastball behind the neck of Boston slugger & Yankee killer Manny Ramirez earlier in the week or knowing if he tries that shit again the Redsox ninjas will kill him and his family?

Posted in Boston Redsox, Memphis Tigers, Miami Heat | Tagged: , , | Leave a Comment »