I’m sure most of you have heard the rant that embattled White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen said in a pre-game show over the weekend. Ozzie, while living on that title the White Sox won years ago, goes through these rants every year.

Since Ozzie and I are on the same wave length I’m here to dissect and translate what the rant really says. Here goes:

“Right now everyone in Chicago is making lineups — ‘Call up this guy, call up that guy.’ … If we had 50 people allowed on the roster, we could do that. That’s what ticks me off about Chicago fans and Chicago media: They forget pretty quickly. A couple of days ago we were the [bleeping] best [stuff] in town. Now we’re [bleep],”

What Ozzie really means is: I appreciate everyones concerns regarding the offensive woes we as a club are having. Sometimes it’s discouraging that some fans along with members of the media are so down on this team but please remember it wasn’t that long ago that we won it all and the season is still relatively young.

“We won it a couple years ago, and we’re horse[bleep],” Guillen said, according to the Chicago Tribune. “The Cubs haven’t won in [100] years, and they’re the [bleeping] best. [Bleep] it, we’re good. [Bleep] everybody. We’re horse[bleep], and we’re going to be horse[bleep] the rest of our lives, no matter how many World Series we win.

“We are the [bleep] of Chicago. We’re the Chicago [bleep]. We have the worst owner [Jerry Reinsdorf]. The guy’s got seven [bleeping] rings, and he’s the [bleeping] horse[bleep] owner.”

What Ozzie really means is: It’s enthusiastic to see the cross-town rivals such as the Cubs have such great fan support, even though they haven’t won a world title in a very very longtime. We have the most unrated owner in Jerry Reinsdorf and through winning we will someday have such a fan base as the Cubs.

“How about the Cubs celebrating that Lee Elia bull[bleep]? How many times do I curse people out? I will make a lot of money with my [stuff]. I have to keep going because in the future Ozzie will need money, and I can say, ‘Here, give me money, here’s the 10-year anniversary of my time I called [Jay] Mariotti stuff and the time I went on the radio and cursed out Mike North.”

Some background first:

The North incident Guillen referred to is from mid-May 2007, when Guillen called in to North’s Chicago radio show and the two got into a spat (with Guillen providing most of the profanity). And in June 2006, Guillen lashed out at Mariotti — a columnist with the Chicago Sun-Times and referred to Mariotti using a homophobic slur.

What Ozzie really means is: Sometimes my temper gets the best of me. What can I say? I’m human. I’m have a deep respect for North, Mariotti & others in the media. We constantly rag each other publicly like that in good natured fun.

“People are panicking,” Guillen said. “Did we play a real bad week? Yes, we did, we stunk. But it wasn’t too long ago that we were ‘the biggest surprise in baseball, wow, look at the White Sox.’”

What Ozzie really means is: Jesus Christ what the fuck happened? Not that long ago we were awesome and now look. I hate this fucking team. I hate these fucking players. Hey Cubs suck my pecker you still haven’t won a title in a 100 fucking years.

It’s been long said that the MLB Players’ Association have been a major source of baseballs woes. Now they have the audacity to open an investigation into their own free agency practices that Congress would be rather embarrassed to open. Of course the MLBPA actually sent out a memo telling players not to cooperate with the Mitchell investigation.

Page 1 of the memo

Page 2 of the memo

The MLBPA has been investigating for several weeks what has taken place in free agency, in relation to Barroid Bonds, Kenny “Still No Ring” Lofton and other players who have gone unsigned.

LBPA general counsel Michael Weiner, when asked if they were near a resolution, said:

“I really don’t know. We’re still waiting for some information.”

If the MLBPA determines that there is something untoward, it could file a grievance on the issue of collusion at the end of the investigation.

So basically they want to know why Bonds hasn’t been signed yet. Let me help them out I might have an answer.

• Steroids
• Age
• He can’t play the field anymore because of his knees
• He’s an asshole in the clubhouse and to media
• Hitler has a higher approval rating
• His feet smell (Dusty Baker is the one making that claim)

“The union notified us that it was investigating potential collusion regarding Barry Bonds and asked for information, and we told them that there was absolutely no collusion with respect to Barry Bonds or any other free agent,” said Dan Halem, MLB senior vice president and general labor counsel. “We are aware of no facts which would support a collusion claim regarding Bonds or any other free agents.”

Jeff Borris, the agent for Bonds, said:

“No team has made me an offer for any amount at any time since Barry became a free agent. Barry continues to work out,” but when asked about his client’s prospects for this season, he said, “I’m not optimistic that he will be in a major league uniform in 2008.”

Well thank God for that Borris.

Barry Bonds & Lofton aren’t the only big-name players that haven’t gotten a major league contract this season. Here are some others:

• Roger Clemens
• Jose Mesa
• Mike Piazza
• Sammy Sosa
• David Wells

Does anyone notice anything similar about all these players? Here’s a hint: they’re all old and/or aging. Did anyone think that maybe, just maybe, teams would rather give the 23 year old kid with upside a shot, instead of the 40+ one-and-done guy? No? Really?

Bonds is a distraction, therefore, no one wants him. Lofton though, I think he’s well past his prime but can make a decent 4th outfielder for a team. Even then, I think he needs to retire and he should be a shoo-in for the HOF.

If a GM doesn’t want a free-agent player on the team because of the negative PR that will result, how is that possibly collusion?