Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

I’m sure most of you have heard the rant that embattled White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen said in a pre-game show over the weekend. Ozzie, while living on that title the White Sox won years ago, goes through these rants every year.

Since Ozzie and I are on the same wave length I’m here to dissect and translate what the rant really says. Here goes:

“Right now everyone in Chicago is making lineups — ‘Call up this guy, call up that guy.’ … If we had 50 people allowed on the roster, we could do that. That’s what ticks me off about Chicago fans and Chicago media: They forget pretty quickly. A couple of days ago we were the [bleeping] best [stuff] in town. Now we’re [bleep],”

What Ozzie really means is: I appreciate everyones concerns regarding the offensive woes we as a club are having. Sometimes it’s discouraging that some fans along with members of the media are so down on this team but please remember it wasn’t that long ago that we won it all and the season is still relatively young.

“We won it a couple years ago, and we’re horse[bleep],” Guillen said, according to the Chicago Tribune. “The Cubs haven’t won in [100] years, and they’re the [bleeping] best. [Bleep] it, we’re good. [Bleep] everybody. We’re horse[bleep], and we’re going to be horse[bleep] the rest of our lives, no matter how many World Series we win.

“We are the [bleep] of Chicago. We’re the Chicago [bleep]. We have the worst owner [Jerry Reinsdorf]. The guy’s got seven [bleeping] rings, and he’s the [bleeping] horse[bleep] owner.”

What Ozzie really means is: It’s enthusiastic to see the cross-town rivals such as the Cubs have such great fan support, even though they haven’t won a world title in a very very longtime. We have the most unrated owner in Jerry Reinsdorf and through winning we will someday have such a fan base as the Cubs.

“How about the Cubs celebrating that Lee Elia bull[bleep]? How many times do I curse people out? I will make a lot of money with my [stuff]. I have to keep going because in the future Ozzie will need money, and I can say, ‘Here, give me money, here’s the 10-year anniversary of my time I called [Jay] Mariotti stuff and the time I went on the radio and cursed out Mike North.”

Some background first:

The North incident Guillen referred to is from mid-May 2007, when Guillen called in to North’s Chicago radio show and the two got into a spat (with Guillen providing most of the profanity). And in June 2006, Guillen lashed out at Mariotti — a columnist with the Chicago Sun-Times and referred to Mariotti using a homophobic slur.

What Ozzie really means is: Sometimes my temper gets the best of me. What can I say? I’m human. I’m have a deep respect for North, Mariotti & others in the media. We constantly rag each other publicly like that in good natured fun.

“People are panicking,” Guillen said. “Did we play a real bad week? Yes, we did, we stunk. But it wasn’t too long ago that we were ‘the biggest surprise in baseball, wow, look at the White Sox.’”

What Ozzie really means is: Jesus Christ what the fuck happened? Not that long ago we were awesome and now look. I hate this fucking team. I hate these fucking players. Hey Cubs suck my pecker you still haven’t won a title in a 100 fucking years.