Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

A Sports Blog on why ALL Teams Suck…Again!

Archive for June, 2008

The Tide is High

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on June 25, 2008

Little Saint Nicky is having a bad off-season at Alabama.

In February Saban said:

“I’ve said enough is enough and we’re trying to fix it.”

Now with the arrests totaling ten Saban might be heard saying:

“Those dang Shula recruits ruining my regime. The Saban Regime shall have no other coke heads or players packing heat. Hey secretary, call Mal Moore and tell him to get Shula in here, I am going to kick his little gravy training ass back to his Pa. I’m going to Dick’s to buy some more straw hats. Mal you little weasel, I want another million to put up with this crap.”

The reason? Just a little coke dealer on the team that’s all. Ken Stabler might have a new roommate in rehab.

And they say it never snows in Alabama.

Jimmy Johns (not the sandwich franchise) a linebacker, was arrested Tuesday in Tuscaloosa and charged with five felony counts of distributing cocaine.

To add insult to injury a sixth charge of possession was also tacked on after police officers searched his off-campus residence and found cocaine and Ecstasy pills.

Saban knowing a super secret double probation punishment wouldn’t cut it this time, kicked JJ off the team.

“This type of behavior obviously will not be tolerated, and he is no longer a part of our program,” Saban said in a statement.

Capt. Jeff Snyder, who heads up the West Alabama Narcotics Task Force, said the Po Po received information about two months ago that Johns was involved in the selling of drugs.

“Once we were able to get our investigation in place, we were able to buy from him five different times over the last week and a half and were then able to obtain a search warrant for his residence,” Snyder said. “He was popular. A lot of people knew him.”

Records did not indicate whether Johns had hired a lawyer. He was held at the metro jail with bond set at $120,000.

I’m no Johnnie Cochran, especially since I am not dead or in hell, but it looks like Mr. Johns is in some major trouble. Certainly more trouble than normal players who had the various drinking charges a few months back. $120,000 bond, it’d take Saban a couple of hours to earn that kind of money with his contract.

Saban+Alabama+3 years=Sanctions.

You stay classy Bama! I’d be doing drugs to if I lost to Louisiana Monroe!

To bad this police officer wasn’t the one investigating the matter…maybe JJ would still be on the team.

Posted in Alabama Crimson Tide, Bama Sucks, Bama'zoids, Bammers, Crime & Punishment, Crimson Tide, Louisiana Monroe, Nick Saban, Roll Tide, SEC Football, cheaters, cocaine | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments »

The Candace Parker Dunk

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on June 24, 2008

Posted in Candace Parker, Go Vols, Slam Dunk, WNBA | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

Shaq Shouldn’t Rap

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on June 24, 2008

Remember Shaq’s rap album? Yeah that’s what I thought but you can purchase it for a whopping penny here. Shaq raps about as well as he shoots free throws. However that doesn’t stop him from taking cheap shots at Kobe in a New York nightclub during some freestyle session.

Posted in Kobe Bryant, Lakers, NBA, Phoenix Suns, Shaq, Slam Dunk | Tagged: , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Clemson Player Charged With Assault & Battery

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on June 24, 2008

A starting safety for the Clemson football team has been arrested on charges he laid the smack down on his girlfriend over the weekend.

DeAndre McDaniel, 20, has been charged with assault and battery of a high and aggravated nature.

The incident happened Saturday in the town of Central at an apartment.

According to the incident report, the victim told police that she and McDaniel had gotten into a verbal argument over who sucks worse Alabama or South Carolina. She says she pushed his head while he was lying on a bed. The report says he responded by putting a comforter over her head and began choking her believing she might like asphyxiation since all the cool kids are doing it. She says he also struck her in the face and head with a closed fist.

The victim told police he eventually pushed her down a set of stairs, and then punched her in the chest. She still contended that Alabama sucks worse than South Carolina. This writer agrees.

The woman was treated at a hospital for cervical sprain and contusions.

If this turns out to be true McDaniel should be removed from the Clemson team as well as society in general.

Posted in ACC Football, Asphyxiation, Assault & Battery, Clemson Tigers, Crime & Punishment | Tagged: , , , , | 1 Comment »

Pacman Jones Wants to be Known as the Player Formally Known as Pacman

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on June 23, 2008

Pacman is dead according to Adam Jones AKA the player formally known as Pacman.

The still suspended Dallas Cowboys cornerback would like to be called by his given name and make “Pacman” a thing of the past.

“There’s really just a lot of negativity behind it,” Jones said. “It’s just time for a change, man. I’m doing everything to make sure that I’m all right as a person, mentally and emotionally.”

This is a good start for Adam Jones but not the answer to fixing his problems.

After speaking to about 60 kids at a basketball camp hosted by Dallas Mavericks forward Brandon Bass on Saturday, Jones expressed his desire to drop his nickname.

The kids at the camp called out “Pacman Jones! Pacman Jones!” after he spoke to them. But he signed autographs with his given name, not the nickname given to him by his mother when he was an infant.

“My mom is going to call me ‘Pacman.’ That is what it is. I can’t change that,” Jones said. “I’m not saying that my teammates won’t call me ‘Pacman’ on the field. But for the most part, I want to be Adam or Mr. Jones.”

This is called spin and damage control. This is why the NFL wants Jones to wear a suit and tie on the Dallas sidelines if he isn’t participating in play.

I bet Jerry Jonesis thinking

“As long as he helps me win a Super Bowl, I couldn’t care less if he murdered half of South America and supplied cocaine to the rest of the country outside of Texas… but at least let’s spin it to seem like we give a damn to these idiot sports fans.”

Rosters handed out by the Cowboys during their mandatory minicamp last week listed No. 21 as “Pacman Jones,” because that’s what he told team officials to do. Go figure…

Also when Jones conducted an interview at the Cowboys’ facility on June 4 he didn’t bother mentioning that he planned to forsake his nickname.

I will no longer call him Adam “Pacman” Jones. The new name is Adam “Rainman” Jones. Rainman always makes sure that the dollars rain down on the ladies at the club, even if it causes shootings, assaults, and other incidents beyond his simple mind’s control.

At the same time Pacman’s oops…Rainmans’ name has recently appeared in the news. A woman involved in the Las Vegas brawl was found dead last week behind a building in the Bronx. Officers found her unresponsive with injuries consistent with a fall.

The woman, 26-year-old Sadia Morrison, had pleaded no contest to a felony battery charge last year in Las Vegas. Jones pleaded no contest to a disorderly conduct charge in Las Vegas after police said he incited the melee.

Back in Tennessee, a foreclosure sale was published involving Jones’ home and 30 acres in a Nashville suburb. The home and land are scheduled to be sold Friday on the courthouse steps. Tax records show Jones purchased the property in July 2006 for $1.5 million, but he defaulted on the terms and conditions of a mortgage.

I’ll give Adam “Rainman” Jones half a season until his entire name is permanently “a thing of the past”. . . . Except when people talk about how a 24 year old multi-millionaire got his home foreclosed on because he was taking his mortgage payments and making it rain.

Posted in Dallas Cowboys, Goodell, Jerry Jones, Las Vegas, NFL Football, Pacman, Pacman Jones, Rainman, WVU | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Glen “Big Baby” Davis is Either Mentally Challenged or Extremely Drunk

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on June 23, 2008

Somehow I think he’s partying and enjoying a NBA title way more than the core players. I hope Mickey Mouse rapes his ass for going shirtless in the parade and making little kids sick.

Posted in Boston Celtics, Dork, Glen Davis, LSU Tigers, Mickey Mouse, drunk | Tagged: , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Lance Armstrong has the Power to Turn You into a Crack Addict

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on June 20, 2008

Everyone knows the accomplishments of Lance Armstrong.

  • Testicular cancer survivor, a germ cell tumor that metastasized to his brain and lungs in 1996
  • Won the Tour de France seven consecutive times, from 1999 to 2005
  • The most hated man in France
  • Porked singer Sheryl Crow
  • Founder of Lance Armstrong Foundation
  • Currently porking Kate Hudson

Let’s add another accomplishment to the list. Armstrong is the reason “Chad” is a crack addict at least that’s the excuse he used on A&E’s Intervention.

One former teammate claims: Lance Armstrong was already a big star at that point. I think a lot of the young riders that were there were in awe of somebody like that. Chad wasn’t necessarily somebody in awe of anything.”

Some other former douche bag teammate: “Chad walked up to Lance and called him a ‘doughboy’ and pushed his belly in and Lance got really upset.”

Chad our heroic crack head: “Needless to say, the next morning I was asked to leave the Olympic Training Center.”

I’m glad there’s no such thing as personal responsibility anymore. Life’s unfair and it’s all Armstrong’s fault. Never mind the fact the guy poked Armstrong and called him a ‘doughboy’ it’s Armstrong’s fault that Chad is such a pompous asshole as well.

Does this mean the yellow Livestrong bracelet is now considered drug paraphernalia? “Chad” might be on to something here. My life sucks and I’ve turned to drugs to cope with it (caffeine & the new dark chocolate M&Ms) it must be Lance’s fault!! That bastard!

Posted in A&E's Intervention, Crack, Lance Armstrong, Livestrong, drugs | Tagged: , , , , | 2 Comments »

Caption Contest!

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on June 19, 2008

Since I’m suffering from writers block, lack of sleep and lack of football, I’ve got nothing today. So let’s have the very first YMSWWC caption contest using the photo below. No this isn’t a photoshop, this pic was taken when Charlie and the coaches were on their goodwill tour. Have fun and may the best caption win.

Posted in Charlie Weis, Notre Dame, Notre Dame Fighting Irish, notre dame sucks | Tagged: , , , | 3 Comments »

I Rooted for the Celtics so That Makes Me Evil

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on June 18, 2008

First off congratulations go to the Celtics for winning their first title in something like 20 something years. I’ll admit I was rooting for them. I’m not a Celtic fan but I was hoping they would win so players like KG, Pierce and Allen would get a ring. I also tired of hearing how the West Coast division was so much better than the East Coast. With that being said I’m evil in Jemele Hill’s eyes. :) She is a fellow Detroit fan like me.

In her original column railing against the Celtics, Jemele Hill wrote, “Rooting for the Celtics is like saying Hitler was a victim. It’s like hoping Gorbachev would get to the blinking red button before Reagan.”

That’s not cool only the Yankees and Alabama should compared to Hitler. (I’m just joking Bama fans) Let’s all go to her website, this woman says stupid things and send her a nice message. What a tool this woman is. For punishment she should have to cover the WNBA for the rest of her life.

Hill’s piece was posted on ESPN.com late Saturday, and a spokesman for the sports powerhouse Ohio State and New York Yankees biased cable channel said yesterday that the crude comparison was edited out within hours.

The newly edited version of the piece, “Deserving or not, I still hate the Celtics,” is still online.

ESPN has released a statement that said:

“The column, as originally posted, made some absolutely unacceptable comparisons. We’ve spoken with Jemele, and she understands that she exercised poor judgment.”

“Both Jemele and ESPN.com apologize. Within hours of its posting on Saturday evening, the inappropriate references were removed from the site, and we are thoroughly reviewing the entire situation.”

When asked how Hill’s remarks made it onto ESPN’s Web site, ESPN spokesman Paul Melvin said there was a “breakdown in the system of editorial checks and balances.”

“We’re normally quite proud of the editorial judgment exercised here, but this was clearly an exception to that,” Melvin said.

Along with the statement, Hill was suspended yesterday as well.

I have watched Hill fill on for Jim Rome…her head moving around like a bobble head! Could not stand watching her..now I really don’t like her.

Maybe I’m showing my age, but I remember when people who wrote about sports focused on the events and the athletes instead of focusing on how much more outrageous than their colleagues they could be.

Yesterday, Hill amplified on her earlier apology:

“In expressing my passion for the NBA and my hometown of Detroit I showed very poor judgment in the words I used,”

The funny thing is that in an April 2007 piece, Hill called for radio host Don Imus to get canned after his controversial 2007 “nappy-headed hos” slur.

“He is routinely offensive to people of color and women,” Hill wrote, “and if he needs to lose his job to understand that there is no place for that, so be it.”

Can we say hypocrite?

The devil’s advocate side of me says:

Granted, it was a dumb statement. But all she did was use a metaphor. She didn’t compare the Celtics to Hitler. She said that as a Pistons fan, it was as impossible for her to root for them as it was to believe something totally false, using her her Hitler statement as an example of that. Doesn’t compare with Imus, who used his statement as an actual description of the people who was talking about.

At the same time, this choice of metaphor in an attempt at humor is nonetheless extremely offensive. It trivializes the whole WWII experience and belittles the terrible suffering of millions. But Hollywood & the press have been doing that for years. In fact we had a comedy show (“Hogan’s Heros”) based on a POW camp that taught a whole generation to partake in this trivialization.

Posted in Bama Sucks, Boston Celtics, Detroit Pistons, ESPN, Jemele Hill, NBA, yankees suck | Tagged: , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Get Your Popcorn Ready & Have Your Parents Keep a Bail Bondsman on Standby

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on June 18, 2008

TO’s newest BFF.

Kids it’s time for the Terrill Owens football camp. Owens will be hosting his third Youth Football Camp at Duncanville High School in Dallas, Texas, July 9-10 and he’s bringing in some special guests. So special you parents might want to have a bail bondsman there “just in case.”

“I am very excited for the third season of my youth football summer camp,” Owens said in a statement. “The camp is committed to teaching kids how to improve their football skills and increase their knowledge of the game. I’d also like them to understand that their activities off the field are just as important as scoring a touchdown. In past years, everyone has learned a lot and they’ve had a great time. I’m looking forward to another fun year.”

The camp is $195 per child and is open to children between the ages of seven and 17. Never mind the fact that Owens recently signed a four-year deal with the Cowboys worth $34 million making him one of the highest paid receivers in the league, so go in daddy’s wallet and steal borrow a credit card. (Don’t forget about the special 3 digit security code on the back.)

Guest number one will be former world record holder in the 100-meter dash, Maurice Greene. Who had this to say:

“All sports are turning to one thing – speed, running fast is all about the technique of how to do it. I have to look at the kids to see what they’re doing wrong.”

Greene might bring his buddy Mexican discus thrower Angel Guillermo Heredia. Greene paid Heredia $10,000, which Heredia claimed was in payment for performance enhancing drugs. Greene admitted meeting Heredia and making the payment, but claimed it was common for him to pay for “stuff” for other members of his training group,

With these two together you will be able to run faster and bulk up quickly. However TO & his “guests” are not responsible for any ball shrinkage that might occur.

Guest number two is Michael Irvin who will offer advice on how to avoid the mistakes he made like how not to get caught with cocaine or get how not to get caught with inflicting a two-inch cut like what was in the neck of Dallas guard Everett McIver while some team members were getting haircuts.

TO & his “guest” are not responsible for future arrests or getting fired from a job at ESPN.

Guest number three is none other than Adam “Pac Man” Jones. Of course you’ll be able to learn how to make rain, slap “scrippers”, vandalize nightclubs and withhold information from the police concerning small things like a shooting that might leave a bouncer paralyzed.

Hopefully more guests like Tank Johnson can come. Tank can show you how to build an illegal arsenal weapons.

If enough kids sign up maybe there can be a petting zoo provided by Bad Newz Kennels and a boat rides sponsored by Fred Smoot and Bryant McKinnie.

So get your popcorn ready and better make sure you have air-tight alibis.

Posted in Bail Bondsman, Crime & Punishment, Dallas Cowboys, Fred Smoot, Michael Irvin, Pacman Jones, T.O., Terrell Owens, bad newz kennels | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »