Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

A Sports Blog on why ALL Teams Suck…Again!

Archive for July, 2008

It’s time to say goodbye

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on July 31, 2008

to Manny :(

Posted in Boston Redsox, Manny Ramirez | Leave a Comment »

Like the Herpes Garcia keeps returning to the Gamecocks

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on July 31, 2008

How many college students do you personally know can key a professor’s car and not get expelled? The answer is either zero or one if you happen to know Stephen Garcia on a personal level.

Here is what the Garcia time line looks thus far:

2007

  • January: Arrives on campus
  • Feb. 17: Arrested in Five Points and charged with drunkenness and failure to stop on police command
  • Feb. 19: Suspended indefinitely by Steve Spurrier from team activities
  • Feb. 22: Reinstated to team
  • March 3: Arrested and charged with vandalizing the car of a USC professor two days earlier; suspended indefinitely
  • March 5: Issues a public apology and has his long hair trimmed
  • March 7: Spurrier announces Garcia will be suspended from spring practice
  • April 16: Reinstated to team
  • June 29: Enters pretrial intervention program that would clear charges from two previous arrests
  • Aug. 28: Spurrier announces intention to red shirt Garcia for 2007 season
  • October: Girlfriend gives birth to a boy, Memphis

2008

  • March 21: Begins spring practice in open competition for starting quarterback job
  • March 22: Cited and charged with underage drinking; listed as only suspect in discharging of fire extinguisher in campus dorm
  • March 25: Suspended from team activities until Aug. 15 by the university.

And of course the USC higher-ups can not even make that stick. Pathetic.

Garcia, suspended since March following his third run-in with the law in a 15-month span, is back on the campus of USC. Anyone want to take or make bets as to how long it will be before he is wearing handcuffs again?

“Stephen is the third quarterback. Stephen’s not going to talk to the media. Stephen doesn’t need anymore attention,” Spurrier said. “He’s had plenty of attention for a guy who’s never played a down.”

Oh but don’t you believe that. After all it was the Ole Ball (sac) Coach Steve God Spurrier that proclaimed in April of 07 that if Garcia slips up one more time he would be forever kicked off the team. Of course that didn’t come to pass now did it?

Garcia earlier today issued a statement through USC thanking the University for yet another chance and saying he will not speak to the media until he’s played in an official game.

“I thank everyone at the University of South Carolina that was involved with my reinstatement – for giving me another chance to be a student-athlete here.

All I can say is that I will try to be the best student-athlete I can during my career here and make this decision a positive one for our university.

The media attention needs to go to Tommy Beecher and the other players on our team. I will not start talking to the media until I begin playing in the real games here at Carolina.”

pic courtesy of Chicken Curse Dot Com

Of course he is back. USC coaches are not into trying to form young minds properly and to teach them what they need to succeed in the world. By God they’re football players NOT student athletes! All they care about is their dumb, pugilistic, criminal football team that is so second rate that they are barely worth mentioning when discussing college football, unless you’re talking about college football failures. ;) Garcia’s real game of quarters will be sometime tonight expect a press conference by tomorrow.

The Gamecocks are expecting a 7-6 season this year: 7 Arrests, 6 convictions. Hopefully they won’t mistake him for one of the refs when he shows up still wearing his prison jumpsuit.

Let’s face it Spurrier is feeling the heat in the Deathbed of Coaches of trying to climb to a 7 – 5 record this year. If he believes Garcia can help, he’ll do whatever it takes to have him on the field. Some things never change.

Q: What is Steve Spurrier’s biggest concern?
A: Whether or not the NCAA will count bail money as a recruiting violation.

Billy Bob Bammer has issued the following statement in regards to this matter:

“This is kind of fine upstanding player that could have saved Coach Shula from getting fired. rtr Mr. Garcia has been at USC since 07 and still a freshman? How in the daggum hell did Shula let this one get away? RTR Bitches!”

Posted in Old Ball Sack Coach, SEC, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, South Carolina Gamecocks, Stephen Garcia, Steve Spurrier, moral victories | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Random Musings Part 2

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on July 31, 2008

Even though she hasn’t won a tournament yet or apparently can write her name on a score card Forbes reports that Michelle Wie is hightest paid golfer on the LPGA tour. That might explain why the rest of the LPGA ladies hate her and questions her skipping a major event to play in some rinky-dink men’s event that sounds like it is straight out of Tincup.

“I really don’t know why Michelle continues to do this. We have a major this week and, if you can’t qualify for a major, I don’t see any reason why you should play with the men.” said Sorenstam

The Packers offered Brett Fa*** more money to say home and shut the hell up. I heard Brett was late for the meeting…that’s odd it’s not like Fa*** to keep the Pack waiting…oh wait…nevermind.

Oh to be Renault Formula One managing director Flavio Briatore (who already knocked up Heidi Klum), check out more pictures of his wife.

The Olympics will suck, we all know that. Especially now that China will be limiting journalist access to the Internet something they promised the IOC they would not do. Of course the IOC is backing China now. I say we boycott.

Danny Ford is God is getting under God Spurrier’s skin. Also check out their tag line at the top.  :)

The Chicken Curse takes a look at Spurrier’s latest presser. They offer some different perspectives.  ;)

I’ve added two new Vols blogs to the list:

Legions of the Miserable

The View from the Hill who is also the newest edition to the Big Orange Roundtable

Also so checkout these BOR members responses to this weeks questions

Finally porn-tache thong wearing Jason Giambi flies the bird during a game. Stay classy Jason!

Posted in Bear is Dead, Beat Bama, Chicken Curse, Golden Thongs, Indy Car, Jason Giambi, LPGA, MLB, Major League Baseball, Michelle Wie, SEC, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, Steve Spurrier, The Big Orange Roundtable, The Olympics, YouTube, yankees suck | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

You damn Hawgs! You’ll never beat us!!

Posted by Billy Bob Bammer on July 31, 2008

Mrs Bammer love Arkansas love. Losers!

Good God almighty I’m tired. I just got back from cutting the kilos and getting ready for the grand opening of my own “Jimmy Johns” franchise. (wink wink) Now that things have settled down here I have time to celebrate the “Logan Young National Championship in Recruiting” and what the hell do I find out? Arkansas is attempting to steal the Fulmer Cup from us? rtr

Ernest Mitchell faces misdemeanor drug and gun charges after a traffic stop? What is this, the sixth player arrested this year, and the third in two months? I’ll admit it’s impressive but Bobby Petrino ain’t any Lord Saban!!! RTR!

However I am impressed with the Fayetteville police department. Mitchell was caught with a small-caliber gun, drug paraphernalia and what was believed to be a small amount of marijuana in his car.

Hey Mitchell come me I’ll hook your Hawg ass up!

Here is the kicker fellow Bammers, Mitchell wasn’t arrested but was given a citation for misdemeanor charges and allowed to leave. Why can’t the Po Po in this ghetto town be so kind?  If it was a Bama player the police would at least ask for a “donation” from the Tide legal fund. rtr

All told Mitchell faces charges of improper display of tags, possession of a controlled substance, possession of drug paraphernalia and simultaneous possession of drugs and a firearm. Improper tags? I never make Mrs. Bammer wear her tags of course she ain’t had her shots either. rtr

Well if you want to burn some ganja while cleaning your Glock, while driving that old truck, Arkansas is the place to be. They don’t call it The Land of Opportunity for nothing. I’ll be looking into opening some “Jimmy Johns” stores there soon. rtr

I’m sure Petrino sure is glad he left the Michael Vick circus in Atlanta for….Arkansas. I wonder what the over/under is in the category of “Hogs arrested” such that Petrino will up and leave in October? And the WalMartians are paying how much per annum for this? Can he guarantee a lose to Louisiana Lafayette? I didn’t think so!  RTR!

So I Arkansas credit for making a late rush for the runner-up spot in the Fulmer Cup. Very impressive. Only a few days to go till the tabulating is over with. But it would take a mega effort to overtake the Tide. RTR Bitches!!!

Posted in Alabama Crimson Tide, Arkansas Razorbacks, Bama Bangs, Bama Cheats, Bama'zoids, Bammers, Bobby Petrino, Crime & Punishment, Crimson Tide, Lord Saban, SEC, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, classless, dumbass | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Two West Virginia Basketball players prove they enjoy pain

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on July 30, 2008

Cam Thoroughman, left, and Joe Mazzulla

The Pittsburgh Pirates have been the scourge of MLB for a number of years now. To let you know how bad they’ve been, the last run at glory for the Pirates was when Barry Bonds played for them.

So given that info it surprises me that anyone would even bother going to their games much less go to their games, get into an altercation with security officers, pepper sprayed & then charged with disorderly conduct, resisting arrest and underage drinking.

According to the Post-Gazette that’s exactly what two WVU basketball players did.

Joe Mazzulla and Cam Thoroughman were arrested after a scuffle at the security station where they had been detained by off-duty police officers working during the Pirates game against the Colorado Rockies.

The two are charged with disorderly conduct, resisting arrest and underage drinking.

Police had to call for backup because Mr. Mazzulla and Mr. Thoroughman, both 20, were refusing to provide identification as they argued with the officers, according to a complaint.

Police said Mr. Thoroughman, a 6-foot, 7-inch forward on the Mountaineers team, reached across a counter toward an officer.

This led to at least two officers grabbing him as they demanded that he place his hands behind his back.

He continued to struggle with the officers after police used a burst of pepper spray to control him. Eventually officers dragged him to the floor, police said.

While Mr. Thoroughman was down, Mr. Mazzulla tried to intervene, pulling his teammate away from the officers, even throwing a punch at one of them before he, too, was subdued, according to officers.

Well that was an alcohol fueled Mensa moment of brilliance. But were any couches burned? At least they weren’t tasered. I think they were upset about losing their #1 party school ranking.

Bobby “Huggy Bear” Huggins is taking the traditional stance on this:

“We will let the judicial process take its course and the matter will be handled internally.”

Bob Huggins is appalled by the lack of severity in these charges. His recruiting has dropped off from the horse-punching days.

Instead of being hauled off to jail, the pair was required to watch a Pirates doubleheader.
Talk about cruel and unusual punishment!

Posted in Big East Basketball, Bob Huggins, Huggy Bear, MLB, Pittsburgh Pirates, WVU, West Virginia Mountaineers | Tagged: , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Everyone Knows Free Beer is the Best Beer even if it’s Gay Beer!

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on July 30, 2008

I’ve never considered the mascot for the University of Virginia Cavaliers gay, metrosexual yes, but gay no. That has definitely changed now leaving me to question the sexuality of CavMan. Thanks to two Cavalier football players.

Junior offensive lineman Will Barker and red shirt freshman lineman Dave Roberts were arrested at the downtown nightclub Club 216 in Charlottesville last Saturday morning.

The Po Po say both “men” admitted to stealing beer from a cooler at the nightclub. Both face larceny charges. Roberts, who is 19 years old, is also charged with being a minor in possession of alcohol and with using a fake ID.

Now if you’re reading this and thinking so far sounds like normal football player BS, and you’re correct sort of…

Study the photos below. Pay close attention to the one labeled Will Barker. I wonder how much “product” he puts in his hair.

Will Barker & Dave Roberts

Dave Roberts & Will Barker

Oh in case you didn’t bother to click the link to Club 216 let me just quote from their website for you.

“Welcome to Club 216, Charlottesville, Virginia‘s only gay and lesbian bar and danceclub. Bringing you sounds from the past and present as well as thumping tracks from Europe‘s best! If you love to dance, meet hot, hunky men and fabulous women in a great gay-friendly atmosphere, then this is definitely the place you want to be! Entrance to this nightclub is for members & their guests.

CLUB 216 is owned and operated by the PIEDMONT TRIANGLE SOCIETY. PTS is a non-profit organization established to promote the interests of the Gay community in Virginia. PTS creates a supportive social environment for its’ members and guests. PTS provides an open forum for the development of political, social, and other interests within its’ membership. When you join CLUB 216 you become a member of the PIEDMONT TRIANGLE SOCIETY.”

Now I’m sure you’re thinking “What were they doing at the gay bar? Was there a fire in the disco?” or “Wait, are you sure they weren’t stealing Bacardi Breezers from a gay bar?”  Apparently they were at the bar to enhance their chances at making the NFL… Brady Quinn was holding a combine in the men’s room.

UVA….we work hard, we play hard (Everybody Dance Now!)

In their defense, they had a great thirst, and it was the only place that served Schmitts Gay Beer.

I know the video screen is black but just click on it.

Posted in ACC Football, Gay Pride, Virginia Cavaliers | Tagged: , , | 1 Comment »

The rivalry between Cubs fans and White Sox fans is becoming childish

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on July 30, 2008

So you decided to throw your little one a Sesame Street-themed birthday party. That’s cool.

You invite all your friends and their kids over. You’re not even thinking about the fact that some are Cubs fans and some are White Sox fans, after all this is a child’s birthday party. What’s the worse that can happen?

Wow this party is lame and Elmo is giving you & your fiends a headache. It’s time to break out the booze. That’s what any responsible parent would do. Am I right?

Then the inevitable happens. Three Cubs fans decide to gang up and beat up a White Sox fan. In fact they beat him so badly he lost his right eye. At least that’s what happened to Robert Steele according to the Chicago Tribune.

McHenry County authorities say three Chicago Cubs fans face felony battery charges after allegedly beating a Chicago White Sox fan so badly he lost his right eye.

The men are accused of beating Robert Steele, 32, of Gurnee during a 2-year-old girl’s “Sesame Street“-themed birthday party in Huntley.

Police said Monday that the men were drinking alcohol at the July 19 party and taunting Steele.

They say Steele was kicked in the head and his nose was broken. He stayed several days at an Elgin hospital.

Today’s senseless violence was sponsored by the letter “F.” This never would’ve happened if Hooper’s Grocery hadn’t gotten that liquor license.

Boy, did I grow up in the wrong era: parents NEVER served booze at the 2-year old birthday parties I attended. I just figured they were cheap.

Posted in Chicago Cubs, Chicago White Sox, Cookie Monster, Crime & Punishment, WTF, bumrush | Tagged: , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Hells Yeah!!! The SEC rulez in this Top 20 poll as well!!!!

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on July 29, 2008

We all know the SEC generally dominates the football polls this year; well they also dominate the Princeton Review list of top party schools in the country!!!

Let’s break it down peeps.

1. University of Florida. Guns, sweet sticky icky weed & Tebow.

2. University of Mississippi. The Grove, the cheerleaders & Jerrell Powe

3. Penn State University. Joe Pa, a shitload of arrests and the Penn State Paranormal Research Society

4. West Virginia University. Deliverance, igniting couches & Rich Rodriguez

5. Ohio University. At least they can beat tOSU at something

6. Randolph-Macon College. Who the hell is this? Seriously

7. University of Georgia. Uga, the umpteen million personalities Herschel Walker & fans that paint their heads

8. University of Texas. Dope head/actor Matthew Mcconaughey, Bevo & Mac Brown

9. University of California-Santa Barbara. Mascot looks like a psychotic Hamburglar

10. Florida State University The Cowgirls, Bowden & wondering if he will ever retire.

11. University of New Hampshire. Like there is anything better to do there.

12. University of Iowa. Sex scandal, Haden Frye and still sucking at football

13. University of Colorado. Ralphie, Hawkins and see above

14. University of Indiana. Bobby Knight, text messaging fool Sampson & basketball season doesn’t look good next year

15. Tulane University. The green wave due to puke

16. University of Illinois. The Fighter Zookers enough said

17. Arizona State University. Ugly school colors, PAC 10 & Eckerson NCAA sanctions to follow

18. University of Tennessee. GO VOLS! Cumberland Ave. Rocky Top & Smokey!

19. University of Alabama. Cheaters, Dead Behr & Subpoenas

20. Loyola University. The French Quarter and attempting to out drink Tulane.

Posted in Alabama Crimson Tide, Arizona State Sundevils, Bama Bangs, Bama Cheats, Bama Sucks, Bama'zoids, Bammers, Colorado Buffalos, Fighting Illini, Florida Gators, Florida State Seminoles, Florida Sucks, Georgia Bulldogs, Jerrell Powe, Rocky Top, SEC, Texas Longhorns, Uga, WVU, West Virginia Mountaineers, Zooker, alcoholics, ole miss rebels | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

The Big Orange Roundtable Volume IV. The Subpoena Edition

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on July 29, 2008

The Battle Captain explains all. Click to enlarge for a better view. I also have the same watch!

This weeks Big Orange Roundtable is being hosted by Lawvol at Gate 21. He has made up some difficult questions. Keep checking here or at other Big Orange Roundtable members for links to everyone’s answers. Due to that BS subpoena I decided to break away from using the Big Orange Roundtable logo (for this week only) that Lawvol graciously created instead what you see is what you get. I can only hope the other members are cool with that.

1) Thus far we’ve made a number of predictions for the 2008 Vols. Now, let’s take the next step: What are your pre-season predictions for each of Tennessee’s regular season games this year (along with any explanations you feel are needed)

Date

Opponent

(Home Games in Bold)

Win or Loss

Prediction

1 Sept

UCLA

Win

The Vols will be wearing their Kevlar vests to deflect the bullets on the way to the stadium. UCLA has a first year coach with a lot of injuries. They simply can’t compete.

13 Sept

UAB

Win

This is the first home game this year. UAB has not a prayer.

20 Sept

Florida

Loss

Tebow and Herban are too much this year, but the game will be close.

27 Sept

Auburn

Loss First SEC road game for Mountain Messiah Crompton will not be a pretty site.

4 Oct

Northern Illinois

Win

Who the hell is this?

11 Oct

Georgia

Win

Only because of the curse that my best friend (huge Dawgs fan) put on Georgia last year still stands. Vols pull the upset.

18 Oct

Mississippi State

Win

The Vols have to much talent for Fulmer to get Croomed this year.

25 Oct

Alabama (Sucks)

Win

After the subpoena BS and last year. Screw Bama!

1 Nov

South Carolina

Loss

Carolina fans finally have their daily masturbation dreams fulfilled with a victory over my beloved Vols at Williams-Brice Jail Stadium

8 Nov

Wyoming (Homecoming)

Win

The men of Broke Back Mountain U. will not prevail. Plus it’s homecoming.

22 Nov

Vanderbilt

Win

Doesn’t have the talent to match up.

29 Nov

Kentucky

Win

The streak stays alive. KY is in rebuilding mode as well.

2) Gameday routines, we all have them. What are your gameday rituals, especially those that are completely irrational, grounded in baseless superstition, or otherwise defy explanation?

For home games I get up at 3:30 AM and slash the tires of my neighbors’ car since they are  Bama fans. If it’s a road game then I want good karma that day so I only scratch the fender of the car. Then I retire back to bed. Around 7:00 AM I get back up a sacrifice a live cow on the alter of Smokey. I have one of the immigrant kids clean up the mess.

Around 9:00 AM I go to Kroger to get junk food and head to buddy’s house. When commercials are on during “Gameday Live” we pick on the fatass Bama kid that lives next door. The first one to make him cry gets $10.00. I find that the constant reminding of the fact that he is an adopted test-tube baby that his mom won in an obese strip poker game and that his step dad loves all kids except him works wonders.

At 12:00 PM the games start and I just veg in front of the TV all day making rude and offensive comments to the refs when bad calls are made. And continue to pick on the fatass Bama kid next door when commercials are on. Thankfully Billy Bob Bammer really doesn’t like his stepson.

Whenever it’s halftime and I’m forced to view Lispy Lou Holtz I whip out the Voodoo doll I make of him using the bones of the South Carolina mascot Cocky when Lou was coaching there. I mean come on Lispy Losing Lou drove the price of chicken down to $2.89 per lbs. before he left. Did you think that chicken would survive?

Anyway using the magic I learned from some Black Sabbath worshiping stoners that work in the mail room of my employment. I grab the doll and yell “Shut the hell up Lou! I hate you and the floods that are caused from your spit!” over and over again until my buddy changes the channel. That’ll teach him to be a remote hog. The bastard.

Honestly, I have no game day rituals to speak of.

3) Crompton vs. Tebow? Discuss…

Tebow. As much as i hate to admit it. To be honest I haven’t seen the Mountain Messiah play enough to even answer that honestly but I’ve seen enough of Tebow.

4) Will the Vols manage to make it to the SEC Championship Game again this season — either outright, or through the backdoor? Why or why not?

No. Georgia or Florida will get there this year. We are using a new QB and a new OC. Plus those two teams are stacked. Next year though…:)

5) Of all the coaches in the SEC who do you currently consider to be the best? Why?

Tuberville. The man wins no matter what. Right now he owns Bama and Florida. In case you haven’t noticed he own Tennessee as well. He knows when to gamble and when not to gamble. He also takes great pains in the pre-game prep work on his opponents something that is becoming a lost art.

Those Big Orange Roundtable members that have answered the call so far are:

Posted in Bama Sucks, Bama'zoids, Bammers, Big Orange, Go Vols, SEC Football, Tennessee Volunteers, The Big Orange Roundtable | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

Let’s honor Woody Hayes by getting smashed and driving on the street named after him!

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on July 28, 2008

As head coach of the Ohio State Buckeyes, Hayes led his teams to a 205-61-10 record (.761), including three national championships (1954, 1957 and 1968), 13 Big Ten conference championships, and four of the team’s eight Rose Bowl appearances. Hayes considered the “greatest victory” of his career the 42-21 win over the University of Southern California during the 1974 Rose Bowl. Three-time winner of The College Football Coach of the Year Award Hayes was the subject of more varied and colorful anecdotal material than any other coach past or present, including fabled Knute Rockne.

So yeah he’s a really big deal in Ohio. So what’s the best way to honor the man, myth and legacy? Starting Ohio State defensive tackle Doug Worthington has the answer!!

Get a DUI just outside Ohio Stadium, on Woody Hayes Drive. Brilliant!!!

Something about that picture of Worthington that makes me think:

“Hey babe, how ya doin’?”

According to the incident report from OSU police, Worthington was cited for driving his white Cadillac Escalade 41 miles per hour in a 25 mile per hour zone & his blood alcohol content was between .08 and .17 on a breath test.

Worthington was arrested over the weekend and charged with operating a vehicle while intoxicated. According to OSU campus police records, he was charged at 3:13 a.m. Saturday.

He is a starting defensive tackle and a redshirt junior who started 11 games for the Buckeyes last season.

He could be facing a hearing before a faculty and student panel which would determine whether he faces a potential suspension from school. He also faces wrath of the coaching staff during preseason practice & demotion on the depth chart.

But that’s ok. He was just honoring good ole Woody. The kid is 20. He’s not supposed to be drinking at all but that’s beside the point. My guess is there definitely has to be disciplinary action because he deserves it, & also to set the right precedent something I’ll admit Ohio State is good at.

Posted in DUI, Ohio State, Woody Hayes, big ten football, drunk, ohio state buckeyes, tOSU | Tagged: , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »