Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

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The Big Orange Roundtable Volume IV. The Subpoena Edition

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on July 29, 2008

The Battle Captain explains all. Click to enlarge for a better view. I also have the same watch!

This weeks Big Orange Roundtable is being hosted by Lawvol at Gate 21. He has made up some difficult questions. Keep checking here or at other Big Orange Roundtable members for links to everyone’s answers. Due to that BS subpoena I decided to break away from using the Big Orange Roundtable logo (for this week only) that Lawvol graciously created instead what you see is what you get. I can only hope the other members are cool with that.

1) Thus far we’ve made a number of predictions for the 2008 Vols. Now, let’s take the next step: What are your pre-season predictions for each of Tennessee’s regular season games this year (along with any explanations you feel are needed)

Date

Opponent

(Home Games in Bold)

Win or Loss

Prediction

1 Sept

UCLA

Win

The Vols will be wearing their Kevlar vests to deflect the bullets on the way to the stadium. UCLA has a first year coach with a lot of injuries. They simply can’t compete.

13 Sept

UAB

Win

This is the first home game this year. UAB has not a prayer.

20 Sept

Florida

Loss

Tebow and Herban are too much this year, but the game will be close.

27 Sept

Auburn

Loss First SEC road game for Mountain Messiah Crompton will not be a pretty site.

4 Oct

Northern Illinois

Win

Who the hell is this?

11 Oct

Georgia

Win

Only because of the curse that my best friend (huge Dawgs fan) put on Georgia last year still stands. Vols pull the upset.

18 Oct

Mississippi State

Win

The Vols have to much talent for Fulmer to get Croomed this year.

25 Oct

Alabama (Sucks)

Win

After the subpoena BS and last year. Screw Bama!

1 Nov

South Carolina

Loss

Carolina fans finally have their daily masturbation dreams fulfilled with a victory over my beloved Vols at Williams-Brice Jail Stadium

8 Nov

Wyoming (Homecoming)

Win

The men of Broke Back Mountain U. will not prevail. Plus it’s homecoming.

22 Nov

Vanderbilt

Win

Doesn’t have the talent to match up.

29 Nov

Kentucky

Win

The streak stays alive. KY is in rebuilding mode as well.

2) Gameday routines, we all have them. What are your gameday rituals, especially those that are completely irrational, grounded in baseless superstition, or otherwise defy explanation?

For home games I get up at 3:30 AM and slash the tires of my neighbors’ car since they are  Bama fans. If it’s a road game then I want good karma that day so I only scratch the fender of the car. Then I retire back to bed. Around 7:00 AM I get back up a sacrifice a live cow on the alter of Smokey. I have one of the immigrant kids clean up the mess.

Around 9:00 AM I go to Kroger to get junk food and head to buddy’s house. When commercials are on during “Gameday Live” we pick on the fatass Bama kid that lives next door. The first one to make him cry gets $10.00. I find that the constant reminding of the fact that he is an adopted test-tube baby that his mom won in an obese strip poker game and that his step dad loves all kids except him works wonders.

At 12:00 PM the games start and I just veg in front of the TV all day making rude and offensive comments to the refs when bad calls are made. And continue to pick on the fatass Bama kid next door when commercials are on. Thankfully Billy Bob Bammer really doesn’t like his stepson.

Whenever it’s halftime and I’m forced to view Lispy Lou Holtz I whip out the Voodoo doll I make of him using the bones of the South Carolina mascot Cocky when Lou was coaching there. I mean come on Lispy Losing Lou drove the price of chicken down to $2.89 per lbs. before he left. Did you think that chicken would survive?

Anyway using the magic I learned from some Black Sabbath worshiping stoners that work in the mail room of my employment. I grab the doll and yell “Shut the hell up Lou! I hate you and the floods that are caused from your spit!” over and over again until my buddy changes the channel. That’ll teach him to be a remote hog. The bastard.

Honestly, I have no game day rituals to speak of.

3) Crompton vs. Tebow? Discuss…

Tebow. As much as i hate to admit it. To be honest I haven’t seen the Mountain Messiah play enough to even answer that honestly but I’ve seen enough of Tebow.

4) Will the Vols manage to make it to the SEC Championship Game again this season — either outright, or through the backdoor? Why or why not?

No. Georgia or Florida will get there this year. We are using a new QB and a new OC. Plus those two teams are stacked. Next year though…:)

5) Of all the coaches in the SEC who do you currently consider to be the best? Why?

Tuberville. The man wins no matter what. Right now he owns Bama and Florida. In case you haven’t noticed he own Tennessee as well. He knows when to gamble and when not to gamble. He also takes great pains in the pre-game prep work on his opponents something that is becoming a lost art.

Those Big Orange Roundtable members that have answered the call so far are:

5 Responses to “The Big Orange Roundtable Volume IV. The Subpoena Edition”

  1. lawvol said

    I don’t care if you made them up or not, I love the gameday ritual.

    As for the picture, priceless…

  2. I guess you could say wearing something Tennessee is my gameday ritual, but that’s a given.

  3. TideDruid said

    I think you let Jerrell Powe do your math, because that is the old record ;-)

  4. zigzag said

    You got it backward, Vols beat Gates, lose to Dogs.

  5. zigzag said

    3-Don’t be ugly to Jerrell, he may get three when he adds one and one, but Bama, along with others, will have offensive linemen wishing they were on the golf team at the sight of having to face that monster.

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