Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

A Sports Blog on why ALL Teams Suck…Again!

Archive for August, 2008

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Alabama has been stripped of the Logan Young National Recruiting Championship

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on August 29, 2008

Credit LWS for this awesome pic.

Credit LWS for this awesome pic.

Since it appears that Billy Bob Bammer has hijacked this blog as of late, I guess I should mention Bama’s fall from recruiting grace.

It seems that Rivals has revised its 2008 recruiting rankings based on who actually made it to their campus of choice. With Bama losing several four-star athletes such as Kerry Murphy because he was to stupid to qualify academically and players, Melvin Ray and Destin Hood, who both decided to play professional Baseball instead of receiving bags of cash, can only mean one thing:

Bama falls to Number 2.

On the surface it isn’t much, just a number that really doesn’t mean it will translate to wins after all Coach 0 proved that. However losing the coveted Logan Young National Recruiting Championship to Notre Dame of all schools, right before playing a talented team such as Clemson has to be devastating to the ego of Satan Saban the Behr Reincarnated.

I’m sure Billy Bob Bammer is suicidal at this point.

Posted in Alabama Crimson Tide, Bama Bangs, Bama Cheats, Bama Sucks, Bammers, Bear is Dead, Notre Dame Fighting Irish, SEC, SEC Football | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Today at 4:30 p.m. Eastern LenDale White will proclaim his dislike for tOSU on “Rome Is Burning”

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on August 29, 2008

Irreverent NFL running back LenDale White a former Southern Cal player to proclaim that he thinks Ohio State sucks on “Rome Is Burning” which airs on ESPN. So everyone gather around your TV and pop some popcorn to watch this less than historic event.

If for some reason you can’t watch it today then I have a special treat for you. Here is the audio of it.

LenDale White says Ohio State Sucks

This makes the second former SoCal player to say negative things about tOSU Carson Palmer being the first.

Posted in Carson Palmer, LenDale White, Pac 10 football, SoCal, USC, big ten football, ohio state buckeyes, southern cal, tOSU | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Billy Bob Bammer 1 The Rogue Cop of West Columbia 0

Posted by Billy Bob Bammer on August 29, 2008

It seems that tricking the Rogue Cop of West Columbia is easier than I thought. Since he announced the news that he was looking for me I’ve been covering my tracks purdy good. RTR!

The latest twist is he thinks he broke into my house and seized some meth-making equipment but it wasn’t my house it was my cousin’s house, Berry Bob Bammer. RTR

This is my place go compare it to that dump Berry lives in. RTR (Sorry Berry)

See I own several Jimmy Johns franchises in and around the T-Town Ghetto area so I quit dealing with meth…errr I mean I’m a legit business man. However Berry unfortunately thinks he can make meth more marketable. He has even talked of opening a Mike Price strip club.

See what people like the Rogue Cop doesn’t understand is those big time Bama boosters like me are protected by the spirit of the Behr. RTR!

As you can see from the photo below we’re presently building an alter to the Behr and for that added realism effect, the hat was doused with copious amounts of bourbon. RTR! The hat would have been bigger, but Phil Fulmer secretly conspired with the NCAA to force the manufacturer to keep it at 550 pounds.

I'm protected by the spirit of the Behr. RTR!

I hear Auburn’s doing the same thing only with a giant Massengale Bottle in honor of Tuberville. RTR! There’s also a rumor floating around that Auburn has recruited the “Super Best Friends” to construct and animate a giant Bo Jackson to break in and steal our giant Behr Bryant alter, but don’t worry we’ll be ready for them. RTR!

Anywho back to Rogue Cop…see we’re protected from all forms of justice. Logan Young didn’t become a martyr for nuffin! Now there is a splinter group that call themselves Sabantologist…they might be AS protected as I am but they are protected because Saban is the Behr reincarnated! RTR!

Better luck next time Rogue Cop I’m Atlanter bound to watch the Tide score 300 points against Clemson.

RTR Bitches!

Posted in ACC Football, Alabama Crimson Tide, Bama Bangs, Bama'zoids, Bammers, Clemson Tigers, Crime & Punishment, Crimson Tide, Roll Tide, SEC Football | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

The OB(Sac)C Garnet Way Volume One: Spurrier Disciplinarian Aficionado

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on August 28, 2008

The OB(Sac)C Garnet Way is new section in which we try to delve into the mind of Steve God Spurrier to see what he is thinking, how to handle certain situations and the cause & effect of dumb ass mistakes.

On 8/25/08 God Spurrier shocked the Gamecock faithful by announcing that Taylor Rank will get the starting nod over senior Mike Davis at tailback in USC’s season-opener against North Carolina State.

Spurrier stated his reasoning for starting Rank over Davis was:

“Taylor’s had a little bit better preseason practice,” Spurrier said following Monday afternoon’s practice. “He had a good summer going to workouts and Mike did too. Mike will be in early though.”

The Head Ball (Sac) Coach went on to say that Rank is “ready to play, he’s performed well, taken care of the ball, knows what to do. He’s a good solid back, but Mike will be in there pretty early.”

Still this left many of the Gamecock perplexed and soon there was panic in the streets as the Rogue Cop of West Columbia and his SWAT team had to turn the water hose on Gamecock fans. Coupled with military grade tear gas and Milkor MGL-140 grenade launchers thankfully quelled that riot.

Milkor MGL-140 grenade launcher, with longer cylinder and Picatinny type accessory rails

Milkor MGL-140 grenade launcher, with longer cylinder and Picatinny type accessory rails

Well thankfully to some crack digging and good sources we now know the reason why Spurrier chose Rank over Davis.

Sunday was a scorcher here and I’m sure Davis was hot from after doing whatever Gamecock football players do when they don’t have practice. (Think in the lines of committing felonies.)

Davis was dazed, confused and extremely thirsty. He shouts out “Anyone got 2 dollars so I can get me a Gatorade?” All he heard was silence…silence!!!

Davis decided to do what any self-respecting Gamecock would do and break into a fridge that was in the team’s weight room and steal get him some damn Gatorade! Go Cocks!!!

Davis using his manly man yet parched force, showed that refrigerator who the boss was! After the damage was discovered God Spurrier quickly thought of ways to punish the culprit. Surely when the star QB to be can key a professor’s car and rack up three arrests in a 15 month period and not get booted off the team then how could he justify booting this perp off?

Spurrier asked his team of malevolent angels who the hell did this…but all were silent just like the responses to Davis’s cries for 2 dollars were silent the day before.

You can see Davis in this picture he has that confused and dazed look about him

Spurrier is crafty though and he decided to check the camera footage and low and behold there was Mike Davis assaulting and possible molesting that poor innocent refrigerator door.

Quickly the ball coach had to think. So instead of following university protocol by reporting this act of vandalism to the USC Campus Po Po, he has another idea instead.

He will make Davis pay for the damages through money Davis may or may not (wink wink nudge nudge) receive from the Blake Mitchell Fan Club. To top it all off Davis will not get to start against NC State.

Meaning he will most likely sit out the first offensive play of the game, after all God Spurrier stressed yesterday that Davis “should be in the game pretty early (Thursday) night.”

That my friends is truly being a Disciplinarian Aficionado. Go Cocks!!

On the next OB(Sac)C Garnet Way learn why God Spurrier considers John Daly a “very close & special” friend.

The OB(Sac)C Garnet Way has been brought to you by Sho’nuff Bail Bonds the official bail bonding company of Gamecocks everywhere.

Posted in Crime & Punishment, Discipline, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, Snitches, South Carolina Gamecocks, USC | Tagged: , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

I’m a wanted man!! I ain’t skeered

Posted by Billy Bob Bammer on August 28, 2008

 

Clemson fans are in awe of us. RTR!

Clemson fans are in awe of us. RTR!

Well folks it seems the Rogue Cop of West Columbia is hunting me down what he doesn’t understand is unlike our football players I’m too smart for the cops!

This pillar of justice claims to have seen me trying to steal an ATM gather funds legally for the Logan Young Memorial fund and commit a blatant act of vandalism beautify the place with RTR’s & I pray to the Behr.

What the Rogue Cop doesn’t realize is Bama Boosters like me own the police except for the 11 of them that arrested our boys of course. But they were underpaid rookies so they’ll learn. I know some of you reading are thinking that’s police corruption. One mans police corruption is another mans way to supplement his income. RTR!

I dare the Rogue cop to come to T-Town. I is a master of disguise & I’ll send one of my girls to entice him. Maybe Bertha (photo seen below) she’ll know how to throw him of the scent. RTR!

Yall dont be wacking off to her too much you might do bald. Ever notice how Saban has thinning hair?

Yall don't be whacking off to her too much you might do bald. Ever notice how Saban has thinning hair?

Of course the Rogue cop is a Clemson which is the real reason he wants to put me in the slammer, because with out me in the nose bleed section in seats that I had to sell my blood for Bama wouldn’t win!

All I gotta do is say the Behr’s prayer to keep me safe:

Now I lay me down to sleep

I pray the 12 championships the NCAA will allow Bama to keep

If I die or get arrested before I wake

I pray the Behr and Logon Young will receive my soul & my Bama bangs to take. RTR!

Besides the Rogue cop will have his hands full with USC football players before to long.

RTR Bitches!

Clemsons new uniforms

West Columbia police trainee uniform

Posted in ACC Football, Alabama Crimson Tide, Bama Bangs, Bammers, Clemson Tigers, SEC, SEC Football | Tagged: , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Jason Kidd embraces communism and knock off shoes from China

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on August 27, 2008

On the same day it was announced that the LPGA told its foreign golfers on the tour to speak English or die and a nine year old kid was told he can’t play baseball because he is too good, Jason Kidd spurned Nike and signed with a Chinese company named Peak.

Way to embrace communism Jason. Kidd isn’t the first American player to sign with Peak apparently Shane Battier has also turned commie red into American dollar green.

If you notice the shoes look like knock offs of models that And1 and Adidas offer.

For more on Kidd’s breakup with Nike, visit Kenlu.net (if you can read Chinese or just want to see pictures of the new shoes).

Posted in China, Jason Kidd, Nike, Peak | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

Yeah we got 12 (Cylinders)

Posted by Billy Bob Bammer on August 27, 2008

We ain’t forgotten about Kenneth Page either bitches. RTR!

Things are heating up for those little pussycats called the Clemson Tigers. It seems their defensive coordinator is jealous because all they offer to their players is a free car wash and a gift card to the Waffle House while our players are sporting Escalades.

At least that’s what Vic Koenning is implying in the Charleston Post and Courier with this quote:

“I actually ran into Julio in the spring recruiting. I said hello to him. I said, ‘Well, I guess I’ll be seeing you at the end of August.’ And then he got out and got in his Escalade and drove off. That’s serious. And then I went over and watched (Alabama freshman) Burton Scott at Vigor High School at the track over there, and Burton Scott was running around. He went and got in his Escalade out at track practice and drove off. So I’m familiar with those two guys.”

Let me tell you thing son we don’t be driving American here. RTR! We gots ourselves a Mercedes plant and with funds secretly transfers from out “Bama Spirit Account” to the bank accounts of some boosters in the Logan Young Memorial Fund, we can get some kraut cars pretty darn cheap for our players.  RTR!

Now it’s time to play Bama fans’ favorite game: Six Degrees of Blaming Phil Fulmer.

Here goes:

  1. Vic Koenning is the defensive master for Clemson.
  2. Clemson is the alma mater of Tennessee Athletic Director Mike Hamilton
  3. Mike Hamilton just gave Phil Fulmer a big raise at the end of last season.

See there’s where your car funds are going…into Fulmer’s pockets. It’s all jealousy because we have the Behr Reincarnated and meanwhile, Clemson recruits drive some bad-ass 1990 Ford Tauruses, RTR! (Nothing wrong with a Taurus mine is an 85 all stock bitches!)

At first I was suspicious because our players riding around in new Crown Vics, until I realized they were cop cars. That’s why we’re Fulmer Cup bound! RTR

When I was praying to the Behr he appeared and said “I want to know why our players aren’t driving Bentleys RTR!”

So Clemson let this be a reminder to you even though you will most likely win Saturday, our rides pimped out Behr style,. RTR Bitches!

Posted in ACC Football, Alabama Crimson Tide, Bama Bangs, Bammers, Clemson Tigers, Nick Saban, SEC, SEC Coaches, SEC Football | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Yankees players are finding new things to suck at

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on August 26, 2008

The Yankees are all but dead when the post season is concerned so some of them are doing what Mickey Mantle did: drink a lot when not playing.

According to the New York Post Jason Giambi (former porn-tache supporter) & Joba Chamberlain were drowning their sorrows in some dump when a table of fans challenged them to a game of “Beer Pong.”

“IT would be tough for average Joes to beat a couple of Yankees at baseball, but slamming them in a game of beer pong was no sweat. Last week, Jason Giambi and Joba Chamberlain were celebrating their win against the Kansas City Royals at Southern Hospitality, on Second Avenue, when a table of fans challenged them to a game of the college drinking sport. Our spy said, “The fans gave them a beating. Toward the end Chamberlain and Giambi got really competitive, but it wasn’t enough.”

The last line might signify the entire for the Yankees. They got competitive but it wasn’t enough. Trust me I’m not shedding a tear.

Posted in Beer Pong, Jason Giambi, MLB, Major League Baseball, new york yankees, yankees suck | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Fulmer has got some nerve

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on August 26, 2008

El battle capitán Phillip Fulmer has really got some nerve and balls of steel. He suspended Cornerback Brent Vinson and defensive tackle Donald Langley for the game against UCLA for all things: not going to class.

Fulmer said both could return to play against UAB on Sept. 13, provided they uphold their academic standing.

These are football players not scholars! It’s not like they were dealing cocaine or using a dead woman’s credit card. Langley is a pretty big loss for us, but we’re pretty deep at corner so Vinson is not so much.

I understand the pitfalls of putting so much passion and energy into the fate of 18-22 year old men, but asking them to go to class too dang much!

Hopefully in the grand scheme of things this won’t hurt us too badly. Who knows? Maybe it will actually help somehow, but I’d rather be going to Pasadena with a full plane instead of two empty seats. That’s for sure. I’m just so ticked off right now. I’m going to go kick the neighbor’s bulldog.

Please note the sarcasm in this post because I laid it on thick.

Posted in Go Vols, Phillip Fulmer, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, Tennessee Volunteers, UCLA, dumbass, satire | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

The Big Orange Roundtable Volume VIII

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on August 26, 2008

Sings “It’s the most wonderful time of the year…” I hate that song but right now is the most wonderful time of the year because college football is about to kickoff. How fitting it is to have the craziest Big Orange Roundtablers, Losers with Socks, to be the host this week.

Now call your kids and/or significant other to the computer and STFU because we’re going to the Roundtable.

1. In a perfect world, what time would your UCLA Kick-off start?

For me the perfect time would be 7:00 PM EST. In my perfect world that would give me the time to get my exercise in by throwing unopened jars of baby food at the homeless AKA Bammers, leave plenty of time to blog about how much UCLA sucks ass & watch Judge Judy.

2. Sometimes doing the right thing is tough. Sometimes we have to choose between bad and worse.  I have known snipers that get bothered even though what they did was absolutely right. It seems being a coach would have some similar circumstances. Did you think that Coach Fulmer and staff ever lose any sleep over their choices?

I’m sure Coach Fulmer lost sleep over that embarrassing loss to Bama last year but not because of the choices he made but devising a way to enact full revenge for this years game.

I’m sure if we lose a game by three points the coaches will ponder about the choices they made during and before the game, but lose sleep completely….no.

Phil making it rain....

3. Nick Saban is going to start 10 freshmen against Clemson.  Why is he doing this and did he just buy another year of grace from the Red Elephant Club?

I’m going to allow Billy Bob Bammer to answer this question. After the 11 arrests unfortunate incidents this off-season, Lord Saban has no choice but to start the freshmen. I’m not sure that Saban will start 10 freshmen against Clemson. It is my belief that Saban is doing what he does best and that is lying through his teeth playing mind games.

If Lord Saban AKA the Behr Reincarnated doesn’t win against Tennessee, Auburn and gets Croomed again then I is sure the Red Elephant Club will be reluctant to give him a pass. Then again he is the most powerful man in football at least according to Forbes and A.I.L. magazine (Alabama Incest Love) so he might get a pass. I’m out of here I gots squirrels to hunt!

RTR Bitches!

4. Critique Lou Holtz as a ESPN “analyst”. Irish and Cock Homer or scripted live rassler?

I personally love Lou Holtz…when he’s not within earshot of me. Holtz is the evil moke announcer of ESPN. Someone says something intelligent Holtz is compelled to disagree. I would say that some of his spoken drivel is scripted but the “Lou Lisp” makes it impossible to tell.

The final analysis is he’s a criminally insane Irish Homer who loves the Cock. Funny thing is neither present day fan base can stand him now.

Oh yeah he sucks at everything he does.

Be sure to stop by all the Big Orange Roundtable members’ blogs for their answers.

Posted in Bama Cheats, Bama Sucks, Big Orange, Cocks, Fuck Bama, Fulmer, Go Vols, Holtz, Lord Saban, Lou Holtz, Lou Lisp, Nick Saban, Rocky Top, SEC, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, Tennessee Volunteers, The Big Orange Roundtable | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

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