Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

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South Carolina Trustee says Garcia was targeted by USC campus police. Well I know something about that. =)

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on August 7, 2008

Garica getting ready to be strip searched. Don't ask what he's about to do with the mic.

Eddie Floyd, a surgeon from Florence is one of the longest-serving and most influential members of USC’s board of trustees believes Gamecocks athletes have been targeted by the university’s police force.

“I feel they have overstepped in some areas,” Floyd said Wednesday from his home in Florence. “After talking to some of the people, this is how I feel. And I always say what I feel, good or bad.”

“My feeling is that (targeting athletes) has happened. I’m sure the administration may have a different opinion,” Floyd said. “But certainly that’s what I think.”

Of course Dr. Floyd has no thing such as evidence to back this up but hey he claims he is going on his “gut feelings.”

Since I virtually write about every Gamecock arrest I’ve have only found 2 football players arrested by campus police. One was Garcia & the other was Emanuel Cook. Both admitted they were guilty of the crimes they committed but hey Dr. Floyd believes they are caught in an elaborate trap by the campus police.

Floyd, whose contributions helped pay for the USC football office that bears his name, ain’t snitching out who his sources are but said they were not from the Gamecocks athletics department.

Another longtime trustee disputes Floyd’s claims and thinks the guy is off his rocker.

“I don’t think anyone has targeted (athletes) whatsoever,” said Mike Mungo, the longest-serving trustee in USC history with 36 years on the board. “I think the allegations are totally baseless, and I think I’m as well-informed as anyone at the university.”

Mungo said university officials investigated the claims and found no evidence of a police conspiracy against athletes. Gee imagine that.

“Eddie can say what he want wants to say, but I don’t believe that it’s a fact,” Mungo said.

Floyd first voiced his allegations to, some lame-ass fan site. (I think all sites like this are lame)

Floyd told the site he believes Gamecocks quarterback Stephen Garcia was being watched by campus police in March when he and two teammates were cited for underage drinking outside the East Quad dormitory that houses many USC athletes.

Of course he fails to mention that all parties pleaded guilty.

This is where it gets good.

He also said he knew of an investigator with USC’s police force whose office was decorated with Clemson’s signature Tiger paws.

But Floyd pulled what is known as a “half-Saban” Wednesday, and admitted he knew little about the investigator whom he implied had a pro-Clemson bias. Basically he’s an asshole.

“One of the investigators that had a tiger paw in his office, my understanding is he said it was a joke. I don’t know,” Floyd said. “I haven’t looked at it. I haven’t seen it. But that’s what I heard.”

Funny how bravely he can make those statements to a major (although lame-ass) Gamecock site and yet he has never seen it with his own eyes.

The shocking thing about all of this is he’s right…sorta.

Enter operation:

Let’s nail that hippie freak Garcia!

I saw the job opening in the Sunday paper I thought nothing of it. While I was watching “Friday Night Lights” I realized that character know as Tim Riggins is a hippified ass just like Garcia. Then I had a brilliant idea, I’m going to apply for the job.

I fill out the application go through the interview process and about one week later. I was Thomas the Terrible USC Po Po with an attitude.

Oh Gamecock football players were going to respect my authority and like it. However as a precautionary I went though 2 weeks of the toughest training one can receive by none other than The Rogue Cop (pictured below) of Chicken Curse Dot Com Blog & I paid attention to everything that man had to say except when the Spice channel was on in the background.

I also studied the bar fight scene in “Out For Justice” starring Steven Seagal, frame by frame in super slow motion…twice. Yeah I was ready to kick Kimbo Slice’s ass!

This man will fuck you up if you're breaking the law! Or if you're a Gamecock!

For 5 weeks I patrolled the campus of South Carolina pretending to like the Gamecocks and busting heads along the way. I also stopped by the women’s shower area on a frequent basis to make sure the plumbing was in order.

After those 2 weeks and 145 complaints of abuse of power and police brutality, I spotted my target Garcia. He was tooling around on his little Duiped moped. My first instinct was to go up and pop him from behind with my campus issued cattle prod then pepper spray him while he was rolling on the ground in agony & clock in the temple with my asp. After all that’s what I had too do the day before to that little girl scout.  Selling cookies my ass soliciting is soliciting!

Instead I decided to wait and watch. Then on March 23rd I found my chance. Garcia, Heath Batchelor the one known as the Amish one (pictured below), walk-on QB Zac Brindise & Garcia’s older brother and Harvard grad Gary Garcia were between the East and South Quad dormitories sitting around telling fat girl jokes and making fart noises with their armpits.

Let’s get drunk & churn us some butter for the Old Ball (sac) Coach!

I quickly went back to the station and changed into my disguise. An Under Amour replica Gamecock jersey, a pair of Duckhead shorts & a pair of Sebagos (no socks) there I looked like any other USC student.

I called Gary over handed him a cooler filled with Keystone Light the official beer of Gamecock students. I told him it was a gift from the boosters but he can not give any of it to the other three because he did I would have to run to store and buy more & I was about to watch Judge Judy. He said OK and thanks.

Some might think this is entrapment but in law enforcement we called it “being resourceful.”

I ducked behind a tree to observe and sure enough my plan worked. Knowing that Gary Garcia was a graduate of Harvard I knew he would have no concerns of my feelings. Most Harvard grads don’t care about others that’s why they’re dicks. Within 45 seconds all four were enjoying the refreshing taste of Keystone Light going down their throats.

I quickly double timed it back to the station and changed back into my uniform. I told the campus SWAT team of what was happening. Most smiled and some had an eerie gleam in their eye. No doubt they were remembering how Garcia wasn’t expelled for keying a professor’s car.

The thirty of us geared-up with tear gas, AR-15s, pepper spray and riot gear. We’re going to actually take this scum and his brother off this campus today.

At the front of the station steps while everyone was present I stood before them and said “Today the Garcia brothers shall know what hell is because we going to bring it to those car-keying motherfuckers!!”

We all very quietly snuck to the women’s shower area to do some “recon work” for about 2 hours and then made our way in to the lair of the Garcia brother and their sidekicks.

One bullet thats it took. Go Cocks!

One bullet that's all it took. Go Cocks!

We swooped on them so fast they didn’t know what hit them but they felt it, by God I made sure of that. Big Bubba stomped on Gary Garcia’s head until it was shaped like an almond.

As I pulling Bubba off one of the suspects I saw Stephen Garcia trying to make a break for it out of the corner of my eye. He was about two feet from me. Sure I could have reached out and pulled him down by his hair like i did to the nun the prior week, but why have sweet-ass weapons if I’m not going to use them? Thinking quickly I took out his left knee cap from behind with a well placed bullet from my AR-15. I went ahead and shot the other knee cap as well. You know just in case.

The other suspects quickly surrendered after they saw their fallen ring leader was in custody & after being tasered 30 times apiece as well.

We hauled them down to the Richland County Detention Center (the football players dorm) and locked them up in solitary confinement and placed a canister of tear gas in there before closing the door.

It’s amazing what you can give the local press in exchange of keeping out certain facts from going public. In this case two Zag-Nut candy bars and the threat of having a cattle prod placed on the family jewels did the trick.

I was exhausted. I went home, took a shower, went back to the women’s shower area you know to make sure the plumbing was still working & went home again. I started watching “Friday Night Lights” and there was that damned hippified Tim Riggins again!

"Tim Riggins" FNL

That’s when I knew for every hippified douche-bag like Tim Riggins and Stephen Garcia I lock up there will always be more around. My mind was made up. I was going back to the civilian world besides a cops pay sucked ass and the benefits were for shit.

Before I left decorated Big Bubba’s office with Clemson Tiger paws as a joke.

So the good Dr. Floyd is right and wrong at the same time. The USC campus police aren’t really targeting athletes like Garcia they are targeting law breakers. The problem is that Garcia happens to be one of the bigger ones.

Don’t worry about me since Garcia is back I’ve started surveillance on him and thankfully he lives closer to the women’s shower area this time around. He shall know hell again before it is all over.

2 Responses to “South Carolina Trustee says Garcia was targeted by USC campus police. Well I know something about that. =)”

  1. Grasshopper,

    You have made me proud. Delight in your accomplishments and the suffering of gamecock fans everywhere. Go forth and smite your foes with the ferocity of a thousand demons and piss on the ashes of their capital.

    They will know hell indeed.

    Rogue Cop of West Columbia

  2. [...] Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain has the scoop on the senile old Sakerlina trustee who thinks all campus cops are out to get their fine, upstanding football players. It must be a conspiracy by cops with “tiger paws in [their] office.” [...]

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