Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

A Sports Blog on why ALL Teams Suck…Again!

Archive for August 21st, 2008

Louisville suspends QB Simms For “Breaking Team Rules” I wonder what those rules could be…

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on August 21, 2008

Steve Garcia isn't impressed. Go Cocks! :)

Louisville quarterback Matt Simms was suspended for the team’s first four games of the season by Coach Steve Kragthorpe on Tuesday for the dreaded violation of team rules.

Simms is the son of former New York Giants quarterback Phil Simms and the brother of Tampa Bay Buccaneers whiny bitch quarterback Chris Simms.

Matt Simms will be eligible to return to the team when the Cardinals play at Memphis on Oct. 10.

Gee I wonder what those rules were. Maybe he overslept one morning due to spending majority of night in prayer.

Maybe he was late to a practice because he lost track of time while volunteering for the local D.A.R.E program.

It is possible that he was helping lead the on campus AA meeting and forget to break an appointment with his advisor.

Wait, I got it. He was cited for public disturbance because someone complained about him standing on the street corner preaching about the evils of drugs and alcohol.

Yeah the last one seems more plausible when you really think about it.

Posted in Big East, Dork, Louisville Cardinals, Marijuana, Matt Simms, drugs, drunk, dumbass, mary jane | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Amanda Beard will not fight Lindsay Lohan to see who gets to unpack Michael Phelps’s swim trunks

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on August 21, 2008

Michael Phelps is walking on air right about now. As of right now and for many years to come he is undoubtedly the best Olympian ever.

While Billy Bush was interviewing Debbie Phelps, the mother of Michael, Bush received a text message which was from Lindsey Lohan herself. It was nice quaint message that I’m sure every mother would hope for from a coked out drunk redheaded tramp.

The message:

“Tell him he’s fucking amazing, and I want to meet him.”

Which everyone knows in Lohan’s world mean she wants lather his body up in Aunt Jemima syrup while performing some death defying moves one would see in either O by Cirque Du Soleil or really bad 70′s porn. All to prove too the world that yes she can act and she’s more than a Petri dish of venereal diseases.

I wonder if they could get the antibodies from her like they do with horses after they infect them with some toxin. She must have built the immunity to all of them by now.

From Yahoo Entertainment:

“Yeah, oh absolutely,” she told Billy. “You raise a young man or young woman with strong values, and a sense of being… I could not be more proud of Michael, of how he handled that situation. That was a very difficult thing for him — it was very difficult for the family.”

It made them all stronger — which came in handy when Billy showed Mama a text to her son from actress Lindsay Lohan. Billy handed his Blackberry to Mama for her to read Lindsay’s message to Michael, and her reaction was priceless.

“Pardon the language but…” Billy said as he showed her the text.

Mama Phelps’ usually jubilant face turned horrified. “OK, Lindsay!!! — Delete! Delete! Delete!”

In this picture, Amanda Beard rehearses a scene from George Romero's new movie '100 Meter Freestyle of the Dead'.

Lindsay’s crime? Telling her son he’s, ‘bleepin’ amazing’!

But not every skank woman that would be willing to pose for Playboy has interest in Phelps.

Sexpot swimmer Amanda Beard says Michael Phelps has absolutely no shot at doing the breaststroke with her.

“Eww, that’s nasty. I have never, ever hooked up with Michael Phelps,” Beard said via telephone from Beijing on the “Johnjay and Rich Show,” which is broadcast on Kiss FM 104.7 in Phoenix.

“Come on, I have really good taste,” the  swimmer said. “He’s really not my type.”

It’s surprising to think that she has standards. As a heterosexual male, I’m not sure I would want a girlfriend named “Beard.”

When “Extra” asked Phelps in an interview that aired last night if he was dating Beard, Phelps said, “No.”

“I’m not dating Amanda Beard. I’ll say that,” he told the TV show. “I think she has a boyfriend.”

Dated, no. Fucked in a Beijing bathroom? Yes.

Asked if he’s dating anyone, Phelps said:

“Part of my life is kept to myself. I’m able to relax and be with my friends. Those pretty much are the only people who really know the answer to that question.”

Psstt…I think that’s code for gay. Someone call those two Nebraska wrestlers and find out.

Any chance she’s bitter that on every dip and stroke Phelps beat her to the “finish line” and gave the famous Phelps O-face. Yeah, that would be pretty nasty. I think we’ve cleared up the confusion…let’s move on, shall we?


Posted in Amanda Beard, Lindsay Lohan, Michael Phelps, Sex, Skanks, The Olympics | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »