Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

Sad times have crept into the Notre Dame Football program as of late. After only winning three games last season and looking less than impressive in their season opener against San Diego State, school officials are hoping to remind everyone of the glory days by unveiling a statue of Lou Holtz this Saturday to celebrate their last championship season that was some 20 years ago.

Is there a statue honoring the NCAA probation caused by Holtz going up behind the statue of Holtz as well?

“I think it’s as high an honor as I could ever receive,” Holtz said. “But it’s a tribute to the players, the administration, the athletic directors. One person doesn’t do that. That takes so many people. I’m humbled by it. The one thing I did feel, though, was we were going to put a group of people onto that field who genuinely cared about each other and about Notre Dame and understood the obligation you have when you play at Notre Dame”.

Holtz should receive an award every college football weekend. That way we don’t have to watch him on college football game day, where let’s be honest, Holtz is very bad.

The team went 12-0, opening the season with a 19-17 victory over No. 9 Michigan, edging top-ranked Miami 31-30, beating No. 2 USC 27-10, then clinching the title with a 34-21 win over No. 3 West Virginia in the Fiesta Bowl.

ND still stinks and in the South, there’s a young coach name “Holtz” who will be a hot commodity after this season. Hmmm….

Charlie Weis said he plans to have Holtz speak to his team this week before the Irish face Michigan.

“If you don’t involve Lou, you’d be dumb,” he said.

“I can’t tell you how many times I talked to Ara and Lou about different subjects and get their opinion on how would you do this and what were you thoughts on that,” Weis said.

I can’t wait to see the Charlie Weiss statue. It will be huge, I mean monstrous. He’ll be holding a cheeseburger in one hand and a sub sandwich in the other. Then again if they build a statue of Weis it would scare kids into stop eating happy meals.

Holtz said he can’t believe he’s joining such legendary Notre Dame figures.

“There have been coaches that have done much better at Notre Dame but there’s never been anyone who loved coaching there more than I did or believed in Notre Dame more than I did,” he said.

I have to know if it will have a button to push so you can hear his lispy speech and tired clichés.

I’ll admit though that the game in the ’88 season against Miami was one of the greatest college football games I’ve ever seen and I’m not even a fan of either of those teams.

At this point and time, Notre Dame needs heroes and the most convenient is Lou Holtz….but a statue at Notre Dame? Did they already erect Dan Devine’s, Rudy’s or Regis Philbin’s?

In other related Holtz news I heard he was going to be the new voice over for Sylvester the cat. Suffering Succotash!