Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

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What Tennessee needs is Mike DuBose

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on November 6, 2008

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Tennessee hasn’t had that killer instinct since 2002. It’s time to catch up with the rest of the SEC and start cheating and who better than Mike Dubose or as I like to call him Coach DuB.

Look at all the wonderful things Coach DuB has already accomplished in his coaching career.

It all began in 1997 when the Alabama Crimson Tide’s newest coach, Coach DuB lost to Kentucky. That was the first time Alabama had lost to the mighty KY since 1922. Coach Dub knew that if he won that game Kentucky would likely close down the football program which would in turn allow Louisiana -Lafayette to enter the SEC and he knew even then that could spell trouble for the Tide. There are rumors that he tried to tell Coach Saban that but the current wearer of the Hounds-Tooth crown of thorns wouldn’t listen and we all know how turned don’t we?

In the same year of 97, Coach DuB was betrayed by his assistant coaches during the Iron Bowl that resulted in a 17-15 loss to Auburn. Faced with a third and a long one and the prospect of having to punt the ball to Auburn if they did not convert, leaving Auburn an opportunity to get into field goal range, the Tide ran a screen pass resulting in a fumble and Auburn recovery that led to the game-winning field goal for the Tigers. Much controversy surrounded the apparent fact that Coach DuB did not call the play, nor did he know which play was being run. Coach DuB reacted by firing four assistants including the ones who called the play, Bruce Arians and Woody McCorvey. The Tide finished with the school’s worst record since 1957, the year before the Behr arrived.

In 98 Coach DuB lead the Tide for the first ever Music City Bowl and got drilled by Virginia Tech. Coach DuB is the last coach to defeat Auburn in Legion Field.

In 1999 Coach DuB embarked in an ambitious attempt to bring notoriety to the little known “holiday” known as Secretaries Day. Using the power of the internet Coach DuB with the help of his secretary Deborah Gibson (Not THAT Deborah Gibson either), Coach DuB started rumors that he was banging Gibson on a regular basis. This didn’t go well with the higher ups at Bama.

At first Coach DuB flatly denied this stunt, but three months later reached an out-of-court settlement that paid over $300,000 out of his own pocket, removed the final two years of his contract (leaving him without a job after the upcoming 1999 season unless either an extension was granted or a new contract was reached), and gave the administration the chance to fire him at any time they desired.

On a side note lying about the rumor he started is said to be a defining moment in Nick Saban’s life.

duboseAfter a 2-0 start, Louisiana Tech completed a shocking upset of the Tide. Calls for Coach DuB’s head reached a fevered pitch, and the administration responded by firing Athletic Director Bob Bockrath. Many Alabama fans and graduates were openly upset when the following week had passed and Coach DuB was still the head coach. Rumors persisted that Coach DuB would be fired in the off week of October 9, 1999; right after the Tide was expected to be routed by the Florida Gators

Coach DuB being the savvy one he is beat Florida 40-39 in overtime. Of course Coach DuB went on to lose to Tennessee 21-7 but they still made it to the SEC championship game and beat Florida yet again by the score of 34-7.

When was the last time Tennessee beat Florida two times in a row?

Coach DuB was named the SEC coach of the year in 99, partly because of the wins on the field and partly because he tried to bring Secretaries Day to the forefront in Alabama.

In 2000 the Tide stated #3 in the polls. The Tide opened the season with a loss to UCLA. Does that sound familiar? That year the Tide also lost to Southern Mississippi, Central Florida, Tennessee, Miss. State and a Saban led LSU team thus ending the 31-year winning streak over the Bayou Bengals in their home stadium.

The Tide did manage to beat South Carolina and hammer the hell out of Ole Miss that year.

Of course 2000 was the last year for Coach DuB as the Alabama coach.

Coach DuB has since continued coaching at the high school level and was named the head coach at Millsaps College in 2006, where I’m certain he is still trying to bring Secretaries Day into the forefront in Alabama.

Now we all the sordid details about Bama & the cheating scandal that occurred after Coach DuB left the Tide. People say cheaters never win, tell that to Nick Saban. It is clearly Nick Saban’s fault that Coach DuB was fired from Bama, that and the fact most Alabamians will never appreciate Secretaries Day.

Tennessee needs Coach DuB badly. He has a master plan to enact revenge against the SEC, especially Nick Saban and the Tide.

Mike Hamilton please hire Coach DuB now! It’s not like he’s making any real money where he is currently at. Trust me I know because when I was in Jackson, Miss the other week he was working part-time at carwash to make ends meet. I got to hear his sob story and his plan for revenge. I’m to frightened to go into detail about his plan but it entails making Secretaries Day a paid holiday, Wesson Oil and some compromising videos of Saban and a goat.

Besides when was the last time Tennessee beat Auburn and Florida? Plus he is undefeated against Alabama.

***Note to anyone reading this. This is a parody and honestly it didn’t turn out that way I wanted it to. However I needed to write something remotely funny. I’ll have a “real” article concerning the Tennessee coaching search tomorrow. ***

One Response to “What Tennessee needs is Mike DuBose”

  1. zigzag said

    Parody? I AM depressed.

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