Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

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Archive for December, 2008

I wish my high school athletic trainer was like this one

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on December 31, 2008

First picture: No, yes...I refuse to believe that's the same person.

Was your high school athletic trainer like this one? Chances are its doubtful. I have a confession to make: the title is little misleading, I didn’t have an athletic trainer in high school :( . I attended a private Christian school (stop laughing damn it); don’t get me wrong we played sports, but the trainer was also the coach.

Meet Hope Jacoby, 23, an athletic trainer at Tustin High School (Calif.) who was arrested recently on suspicion of engaging in sex acts with an underage boy, the lucky bastard. See? I told you that your athletic trainer wasn’t like this one. She was just doing her part to get the swelling down. Isn’t that what trainers are supposed to do?

I’m sorry. This is serious. We need to track this student down, and give him his Luckiest Boy in America medal right away.

Per the Los Angeles Times:

Hope Jacoby, 23, who has worked with athletes at the school for the last year, was arrested last week on suspicion of oral copulation of a minor and unlawful sex with a minor, said Orange County Sheriff’s Department spokesman Jim Amormino. Sheriff’s deputies were informed of the unlawful acts by someone who saw a text message photograph, Amormino said. The boy was between 14 and 17 years old.”

I know what some of you are asking yourselves “Well, does she have a Myspace page?” Why yes, yes she does. And according to her bio on myspace she is a bi-sexual drug dealer. Karma can you say Hope?

“About me: Let’s see. there’s a lot to tell…maybe. My names Hope ~I love goin out. Im a huge fan of the hug. I hug all my friends, and think its an important way to say hi and bye. If I dont hug you, I probably dont like you. Either that or you make me totally nervous, so I wont do it. I believe in karma, however i also think that no matter how good of a person you are, bad things are gonna happen to you. I like hanging out with guys cuz they’re a lot easier to talk to. They don’t like drama, and neither do i. ~I may come off as full of myself, but i promise it’s a front. I don’t have the highest self-esteem, but i don’t think i’m a bad person either. It’s a weird position to be in. Wow this is long. stop reading.”

I love the line: I like hanging out with guys cuz they’re a lot easier to talk to.

Isn’t it kinda hard to talk with a 14 year old penis in your mouth?

A MySpage that is so cluttered with shit it practically gives you a seizure just from looking at it? I find that hard to believe. She seemed to forget to do the kissy-face pose in her mug shot. For shame.

In the great sitcom tradition I may have to go undercover as a high school student to get to the bottom of this.

Personally, I think it says a lot about a person when they have a lot of pictures of themselves taken in the bathroom mirror on their MyFace page.

And none of its good.


Note to self: hot women who admit to having low self-esteem = happiness

Posted in Crazy Women, Crime & Punishment | Tagged: , | 2 Comments »

Have you ever orchestrated a ten game turn-around…ON WEED?

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on December 31, 2008

Ricky Williams didn’t like my Christmas gift I got for him this year. That bastard! You know I decided to get Ricky a gift this year because he has been an outstanding player this year and to help celebrate the Fins incredible turn around, only to have it returned to me with a note saying “Not funny dude.”

Maybe this will help Trent Green forget all about those concussions.

What if, like, the dolphin’s helmet had another dolphin wearing a helmet…and that dolphin’s helmet had a dolphin wearing a helmet…and so on, and so on. Man, I feel so insignificant.

It’s funny, I don’t remember using that bong and yet I have visions of hearing “Chad Pennington” and “NFL MVP” in the same sentence, and not as a joke.

Posted in Chad Pennington, Marijuana, NFL Football, Ricky Williams, bongs, drugs, mary jane, miami dolphins, pot | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

A Zamboni + Alcohol = DUI Fun!

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on December 31, 2008

I’ve done a lot of crazy and stupid stuff in my life but I swear I have never stolen a zamboni and driven it drunk. Adam Patterson of Portland, Maine has apparently has done just that, which makes me very envious.

Patterson faces drunk driving and burglary charges are the Portland Po Po found him outside the Cumberland County Civic Center just sitting on top of the zamboni while being “extremely” drunk.

The police allege that the civic center appear to have been broken into. Come on can he actually own a zamboni? No? Well alrighty then.

Grand Theft Zamboni > Grand Theft Auto. That guy’s my hero. Anyone who’s ever spent much time in rinks knows the Zamboni driver is drunk and/or high 24-7 anyway. Fat, Drunk and Driving a Zamboni describes just about every Zamboni driver I’ve ever seen.

See? Something interesting happens in Maine. Of course this is once a year but never mind that.

Posted in Dead Drunk, drunk, dumbass | Tagged: , , | Leave a Comment »

Weeeeee let’s get ready for the NFL playoffs as the NFL coaching carousel begins

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on December 30, 2008

Before the NFL playoffs begin the coaching carousel must start to take shape and it has already begun.

So let’s review the coaches who are out so far.

The first on the list is Eric Mangini which is not a huge surprise. The Jets obtained the most delusional QB in Brett Favre and God knows Favre doesn’t throw interceptions at bad times in big games. *Sarcasm*

Is this where I can discuss Brett Favre's heroic effort through the greatest of injuries?

To makes matters worse according to Pro Football Talk, his role in Spygate could hinder his employability. Let’s also mention the fact he had man-boobs but was a good disciplinarian, but I swear to god you got out coached 4/5 weeks.

This is the worst thing to happen to him since King Of Queens got cancelled.

The second one on this list is Romeo Crennel. Now let’s not all act surprised here. Technically speaking Crennel was fired before the Jets’ Eric Mangini or the Lions’ Rod Marinelli who is next on this list.

Crennel’s firing came shortly after the Browns fired general manager Phil Savage.

I myself question his employability. He had five coaching job interviews in less than 36 hours in 2003. The teams that turned him down were the New York Giants, Buffalo Bills, Arizona Cardinals, Chicago Bears and Atlanta Falcons.

Charlie Weis and Romeo Crennel: The “Generation K” of Patriots coordinators.

Just to make Browns fans cringe in even more misery, according to AP, the Browns have asked Bill Cowher if he were interested in the job, but Cowher said no thanks.

The third on this list is the Lions’ Rod Marinelli which is the least surprising firing in the history of the NFL. That’s what 0-16 will do for you. So the Toyota “Saved by Zero” promotion does not apply here.

Nothing says ‘Happy Holidays’ like the bloodlust shown on the Monday after the football season. Three cheers for people getting axed!!

The Browns come a long way since being pre-season champs (4-0). On the bright side, they have two first-round draft picks, on the dark side; the Lions need a team enema.

Tim “The Toolman” Taylor thinks this team can’t even be fixed with the new Binford Suck3000.

So many new candidates for Al Davis to choose from!!!

Posted in Al Davis, Brett Favre, Detroit Lions, Eric Mangini, NFL Football, New York Jets, Rod Marinelli, Romeo Crennel, cleveland browns, divorce court, fired | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

And now let’s break for something slightly, unintentionally inappropriate

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on December 30, 2008

So I am sitting there watching this bowl and I hear that line. Needless to say I had to contemplate what that guy was thinking or if perhaps it was me who was the fool, as if that was some sort of Hawaiian tradition or ceremony or something.

I stopped short of a Google search on golden shower fearing God would cancel my Christmas.

Posted in Hawaii Warriors, Notre Dame Fighting Irish, Warriors, notre dame sucks | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

Iowa State fondly remembers Gene Chizik

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on December 30, 2008

This was taken from Iowa State central campus web-cam. Charles Barkely would have written the message in yellow.

Posted in Auburn, Big Twelve Football, Charles Barkley, Gene Chizik, Iowa State Cyclones, SEC Football | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Alabama Crimson Tide All-America Andre Smith has been suspended from the Sugar Bowl

Posted by Billy Bob Bammer on December 29, 2008


WTF is Saban doing? You just don’t go and suspend an All-American left tackle like Andre Smith for violating “team rules.” He won the Outland trophy for God’s sake!

“The University of Alabama, the team and the football program are more important than any individual player,” Crimson Tide coach Nick Saban said in a statement Monday. “Every one on our team depends on each other to be responsible, to make good choices and decisions relative to their actions.”

Wait…we win the freaking Fulmer Cup for having the most off season’s arrests and now you want to play Mr. Disciplinarian? We need him Saban.

Now Smith is a perfect fit to go to Detroit with the 1st overall pick…he seemed too good for them until now!

Thanks Saban…its bad enough we got beat by jort loving Gators and now this.

“Our priority and focus as a team is to play the best football game of the season in this Sugar Bowl, and to support our players to overcome any adversity this unfortunate situation has created,” Saban said.

He better not be opening his own Jimmy Johns franchise. I own that shit in Bama! RTR!

Posted in Alabama Crimson Tide, Bama Bangs, Bammers, Discipline, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, bad calls | Tagged: , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Yes we scored now let me smack my bitch up

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on December 29, 2008

I have dubbed yesterdays match up between Dallas and Philadelphia as “The Best Comedy of the Season” for many reasons. If you watched the game then I’m sure you can see why.

Yeppers that video is Eagles owner Jeff Lurie smacking his wife, Christina, right between the eyes in an attempt to perform the dreaded high five. I believe this was after the 3rd touchdown scored. After the fourth touchdown he took a baseball bat to her kneecaps.

It is rather fun watching billionaires attempt to perform average Joe activities such as hand-slapping.

Posted in Dallas Cowboys, Fail, NFL Football, Philadelphia Eagles | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

The Ultimate Christmas Miracle

Posted by Joel on December 29, 2008


‘Twas the Sunday after Christmas, when all in Green Bay

Not a Lion was winning, oh what can I say;

The game plans were hung by the lockers with care,

In hopes that victory soon would be there;

The players were huddled all chill in their beds,

While visions of winning danced in their heads;

And Coach in his jacket, and I in helmet,

Had just got hyped so the losses I would forget,

When out on the field there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the room to see what was the matter.

Away to the tundra I flew like a flash,

Went to the field and listened to “The Clash.”

The sun on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Gave the lustre of mid-day to Packers below,

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But Grant, and Rodgers, and Driver are near.

With a little shimmy, so lively and quick,

I knew, in that moment I said oh shit!

More rapid than our DB’s they came,

And they whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

“Now, Clifton, now, Jordy! now, Jennings we’ll mix it!

These Lions don’t recognize coverage & zone blitzes!

To the middle of the field, Lambeau Leap over the wall!

Al Harris, Charles Woodson, TD’s for all!

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

When they meet with more obstacles, mount to the sky,

So up to the concourses of the field they flew

With 0-16 shirts worn on kids as young as 2.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard in the huddle

The crying of grown men, tears in puddles.

As I drew plays in my hand, and was turning around,

Down the pike the referee came to town.

He was dressed all in stripes, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all clean & snug with Reebok boots.

A Hall of Fame football he had in his hands behind his back,

And he was ready, for Canton this ball he would pack.

His eyes — how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!

His whistle was chrome! His yellow flag was scary!

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And he wanted to be part of history, so it was time to go;

The look in his eye was not a welcome treat,

And looked at us & he could smell the defeat;

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook, when he ran downfield like jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old ref,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

A wink of his eye and a flick of his wrist,

Soon gave me 15 yards for another illegal shift;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And launched the flag; then turned (the big jerk),

And laying his finger besides the helmet that was bent,

And giving a nod, back to the sidelines he went;

He sprang to the sidelines and blew his whitsle,

At the end of the game, he left like a missile.

But I heard the fans exclaim, as they drove off in their trucks,

“You guys are 0-16, the Detroit Lions suck!!!”

Posted in Detroit Free Press, Detroit Lions, Green Bay Packers, NFL, NFL Draft, NFL Football, Sports, fired, football | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

Who has been naughty and who has been nice?

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on December 24, 2008

In case you didn’t know, we here at help Santa out with the naughty and nice list. Of course we’re always nice…Moving on…let’s look at some of our recent selections.

Naughty but we will overlook mitigating circumstances.

Shaun Smith for punching Brady “I’m not gay…oh wait yes I am” Quinn during an altercation in the weight room. At first I was thinking what the hell do they believe this is Oz or something…if so Quinn would be the bitch.

Smith is a former South Carolina player who played under Lispy Lou Holtz…we’re overlooking the Brady beat-down because, well, we hate Brady Quinn.


The new Philadelphia Phillies ball girls, hard to believe they actually had to take a written test for this gig.

“No one mentioned any beauty pageant experience, though other applicants did. “A lot of them think it is a beauty competition and it really is not,” DeVicaris said.”

As soon as I heard it was in Philadelphia the thought of beauty never entered my mind.

Naughty and God what a way to ruin an appetite.

David Hasselhoff got to sing the National Anthem at this past Saturday’s Las Vegas bowl. Decent game from what I heard I was to busy watching Dallas lose the final game ever to played at Texas Stadium. Dallas = failboats.

Of course we have the video…if we have to suffer then so should you.

Wow…hella nice

The Irwin Academic Services Center at the University of Illinois. Of course only jocks can use it.

“These athletic tutoring palaces perpetuate resentment and stereotyping on campus,” said Allen Sack, a University of New Haven professor who played football for the University of Notre Dame and has become a critic of what he sees as the corrosive effect of sports on university life.

“A student who is not an athlete will say: ‘I’m working nights to get through school, why don’t I get free tutoring?’ ” Sack said. “That the athletes do perpetuates the image of a dumb jock who couldn’t get through school without special help.”

I see the point. After spending all that booster money on PS3 games, who has anything left over to afford a tutor?

Once the nerds start bringing in millions of revenue in for the University they can start using the academic centers. *Sarcasm*

Here is my gift to you readers: A how to DIY instruction video on how to build a Christmas tree entirely out of beer bottles. It’s worth watching.

Merry Christmas…bitches.

Posted in Beer, Brady Quinn, David Hasselhoff, Illinois Fighting Illini, Philadelphia Phillies | Tagged: , , , , | Leave a Comment »