Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

A Sports Blog on why ALL Teams Suck…Again!

Archive for February, 2009

Supa Saint: Yes…I’m amused and frightened at the same time

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on February 27, 2009

While this might be the greatest Saints fan ever, it disturbs me he used a scene from Footloose as inspiration. Plus 1 is given for the quality of video though.

For some reason I think I know this guy. He stands outside the convenience store and buys booze and cigarettes for underage kids.


Posted in NFL Football, New Orleans Saints | Tagged: , | 1 Comment »

Atlanta residents hide your pups. I have Bad Newz, your protocol son might be arriving anytime now

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on February 27, 2009

You might remember that back in December of 2008 I reported about how America’s favorite dog killing QB, Michael Vick, was getting set to be released to a halfway house. Well, there was a little problem with that idea; the halfway house in question apparently had no room to house Vick. So, being the ever brilliant public servants that they are, officials have decided to send Vick home as in Atlanta to old house.

Vick will be required to wear an ever fashionable electronic monitoring device (I’m hoping for a Shock Collar or an Invisible Fence Collar) and not leave the premises. Of course there is the chance that Vick won’t have a home too go to, which would really make thing interesting.

I wonder if Vick knows that he has been secretly replaced by a non name-brand ACC quarterback.

Vick’s official parole date is this coming July which means he start training for the 2009 season however the Falcons have been trying to trade him since Feb. 12, but not team is stupid enough to want him. Only a team with fans who are a bunch of crazy assholes would go for Vick. Wait, Favre just retired, right?

I, for one, think Cincinnati is a great destination for him. That way, when he comes to Cleveland, half of the Dawg Pound will have nooses on their necks, which would make any bore-fest between Cleveland and Cincinnati somewhat entertaining.

Pity the XFL didn’t last. Think the UFL might grab him a la Doug Flutie?

Posted in Arthur Blank, Atlanta, Atlanta Falcons, Michael Vick, NFL Football, bad newz kennels, dog fighting | Tagged: , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Tracy McGrady: Bad Knee, Still No Heart

Posted by Joel on February 26, 2009

Here in Houston, the sport buzz has been on Tracy McGrady. McGrady has been a polarizing figure here. However, the way that this “surgery” has been handled, most Houston sports fans have been calling him “the worst Rocket ever”. I told the guys at the barber shop this when they first traded for him but I won’t say I TOLD YOU SO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Apparently, word on the street is that microfracture surgery was not necessary, and he shopped around to find a doctor to agree that surgery was the best option. 4 other doctors told him to rehab and play through the pain. Doctor #5 was paid handsomely agreed with T-Mac’s assessment that surgery was required. I can see getting a second opinion, but four??? Wow.

Here are some nicknames for McGrady, some original, some not:

  • She-Mac
  • “Malibu” Stacy McGrady
  • T-Bag
  • Tin Man (for lack of heart and achy joints)
  • Penny Hardaway part II (no coincidence they both played for Orlando wearing #1)
  • The Human Injury Report

I think about Michael Jordan playing in the NBA Finals against the Jazz with the flu, lighting Utah up for 35 points while throwing up in buckets during time outs. I think about Allen Iverson playing through broken fingers, torn elbow ligaments and leading the league in scoring. I remember Jack Youngblood of the Rams playing through the NFL playoffs years ago with a broken leg, and playing quite frankly like it was not broken. But not McGrady, when she gets a hang nail there is no basketball being played. Yes, I am now referring to McGrady as she. Why not??? I don’t fear her. All I have to do is wear a Utah Jazz jersey in front of Stacy and I will always win.

The worst of all of this is She-Mac’s website. First of all, after surgery, McGrady immediately posted that the surgery was a success. So after the pain of getting a drill in the side of her fragile knee, homegirl had time to post about the surgery. Then, all of these nutjob “fans” wishing him luck and best wishes, saying to her that the doubters are just hating. Whatever, I just hope the knee scarring caan be covered up with some boots. You can’t even post a negative comment on the site. They filter it.

Oh well. Since her contract is up next year, and microfracture knee surgery takes at least a year to recover, McGrady probably won’t ever wear a Rocket uniform again. Since the WNBA’s Comets no longer play here in Houston, her playing choices remain very limited. Don’t feel sorry for her, McGrady is owed $44 million for this year and next year. Until then:


Posted in ESPN, Houston Rockets, NBA, NBA Draft, Toronto Raptors, basketball | Tagged: , , , | 5 Comments »

So where can we learn to throw insults around like a NBA scout?

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on February 26, 2009

Man I thought we here at knew how to hurl insults. Apparently after reading what some NBA scouts say about the potential players to be entering this year’s draft, we know don’t know jack.

I found this little gem while reading Seth Davis’ blog Hoop Thoughts which is on Since I’m stressed for time and I’m still not a happy camper I thought I would share.

A.J. Abrams, 5-11 senior guard, Texas: He’s OK, but he’s a midget.

DeJuan Blair, 6-7 sophomore forward, Pittsburgh: Guys are going to block his shot, but he’s used to that.

Dionte Christmas, 6-5 senior guard, Temple: He’s a great athlete, but he has no clue how to play.

Austin Daye, 6-11 sophomore forward, Gonzaga: This kid will get you fired. Soft? He invented soft.

Ouch…damn! There are some good reviews of other players but you need to head over there and read them for yourself. All in all, the entire article is very informative.

Posted in NBA, NBA Draft, Seth Davis, Sports Illustrated | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

Call your bookie now because Texas A&M will win a national championship next year

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on February 25, 2009

I’m not sure if this is a joke or if this kid is just high on some peyote mushrooms he picked up while visiting Waco. Someone please remind him that Nebraska and Syracuse also ran NFL “Pro-Style” offenses.

Posted in Big Twelve Football, Texas A&M, aggies, peyote mushrooms | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

Barkley to pitch a tent for Sheriff Joe Arpaio

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on February 25, 2009

If he continues to cover himself in vaseline, that should go over real well in the joint...


You know lately I haven’t written much of squat, I’ll admit that. Due to work and other factors I’m an unhappy non-writing camper at the moment. You know who else is not a happy camper right now? You guessed it, Charles Barkley.

Barkley pled guilty to DUI charges in Scottsdale and was sentenced to 10 days in the can, so that mean he should be eligible for parole around March 26. This means that he will only miss only one TNT doubleheader: Pistons at Bulls and Rockets at Jazz on Tuesday, March 24. Some judge in Arizona got kick back for this favorable scheduling there, I’m sure.

Sir Charles also has to pay more than two grand in fines he also has to install an ignition interlock device on all of the vehicles he owns and complete a court-ordered alcohol treatment program. However this worse end of the deal is the fact that the never shy from controversy Barkley will be wearing pink in the clink because he will be serving his time in Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s infamous Tent City Jail where some of the inmates have to wear pink boxers. If this doesn’t have cheap Fox reality TV show written on it then nothing does!

“I’m taking a lot of heat for putting convicted illegal immigrants in the tents. How am I going to discriminate and not put high-profile people in the tents?” Arpaio asked.”

However Sir Charles will be on a working release so he will actually leave the prison from 8 a.m. and return 8 p.m. that same day because the reality is the prison stint is just one of the qualifiers to being Alabama’s governor. Strangely enough, the ’round mound’ means something completely different in prison showers.

When this is over with I’m sure Barkley will be a better person, let’s just all hope he doesn’t come out and say “That prison rape was turrrurrible.”

For the record I’m sure Barkley saw enough pink underwear from his days of playing with Kevin Johnson.

Posted in Charles Barkley, DUI, Fines, NBA, Sheriff Joe Arpaio, Tent City, dumbass | Tagged: , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Traveling defined the Duke Basketball way

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on February 24, 2009

For some reason a lot of people claim Duke gets preferred treatment from the officials at times. Like with this video above. Sure freshman guard Elliot Williams took a few extra steps…but 12? I’m not sure about that. I mean one can go six feet without actually dribbling the ball in less than 12 steps, right?

Some call it an “unfair advantage” and say things like this violates the “spirit of the game” but this is just basketball done the Blue Devil way. Ever watch a NBA game? You can go about 30 steps without getting called.

Besides, Tyler Hansbrough calls that “gritty”.

Honestly there’s no question he traveled however give the guy some credit, he’s bringing back the moonwalk.

Posted in ACC Basketball, Coach K, Duke Blue Devils, Tyler Hansbrough, bad calls, refs | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

George Mason elects a dude that looks like a lady as Homecoming Queen

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on February 23, 2009

Not pictured: John Travolta up in the rafters with bucket of pig blood.

By most accounts George Mason University is highly rated for its academics and according to U.S. News and World Reports it’s the “No. 1 national university to watch”.

I don’t know if there is a lack of women on the campus or not however I do know that some dude was named the winner of the university’s Ms. Mason competition. Granted he’s hotter than most of the Northeast school homecoming queens. This has generated one of the better headlines for the Washington Post.

On a very special episode of Saved by the Bell…Reann Ballslee (real name Ray Allen) performs in a drag-queen show and won the Ms. Mason competition over two other women in voting done by email. Whatever happened to don’t ask, don’t make your penis look like a vagina?

“Allen said he decided to enter the Ms. Mason contest this year as a joke, a last hurrah for his senior year. Soon he had donned a silver bra and zebra-print pants and was lip-syncing to Britney Spears’s “Womanizer” at the qualifying pageant Feb. 9, overseen by Miss Virginia 2009. Competitors included a government and politics major from Chesapeake and a Chi Omega sorority member who told the school newspaper she should win because “I have pride in Mason to the point where my towels are green and gold.”

Video here.

Of course this is causing some controversy among the students and faculty.

“It’s really annoying,” said Bollinger, who works as an ambassador for the admissions office. “The game was on TV. Everyone was there. All eyes were on us. And we do something like this? It’s just stupid.”

I wonder what Karl Rove, one of the school’s most notable alumni, is saying about all this. I bet he totally has this kid on speed dial.

Some alumni are claiming this is a moral outrage. I feel you should elect the homecoming queen during football games! Get a football program you losers!

Posted in George Mason, Homecoming Queen, Karl Rove | Tagged: , , | Leave a Comment »

Broken Plays: The TGIF Edition

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on February 20, 2009


I know it’s been awhile since I ran a Broken Plays segment. So sue me. is reporting about how Charles Barkley will star in a golf-themed reality show. This of course cause me to wonder if Barkley will be the first person to bet on the fact that he will get a DUI on a golf cart.

The boys over at the Third Saturday in Blogtober have a new look and an excellent write-up about how the Atlanta Journal Constitution has become something a lot less than journalism.

Ashton Kutcher will try to ruin the game of football by playing a “superstar NFL QB” who trades bodies with some 12 year-old geek. Initial reports have Eli Manning cast as the 12 year old geek. In my opinion Faces of Death had more laughs in it than this pile of shit will ever get.

The Washington Nationals’ prized recruit has been caught lying about his name & age. This falsifying of the birth certificates of Latin-born players is just destroying the credibility of baseball.

Did Dr. Phil just shave his mustache on the left?

Is Baseball worse than pro-wrestling? It is if you believe Jesse “The Body” Ventura and he actually brings up some good points.

“My question is: They’ve now determined 104 baseball players failed their steroid test in 2003 – 104! They indicted Vince McMahon, why aren’t they indicting Bud Selig?”

Yahoo!’s Dan Wetzel agrees with Jesse and even further states that Major League Baseball under Bud Selig might even be steroid friendly than the days of Hulk-a-Mania.

“McMahon, who beat the conspiracy to distribute steroids charges in 1994, actually ran an honest operation compared to Selig. While Hulk Hogan may have claimed he was just “eating his vitamins,” anyone over the age of 12 understood the entire thing was make-believe, just entertainment.

Not Selig. Not baseball. They clung to an illusion they either knew wasn’t true or should’ve known wasn’t true. When confronted repeatedly with facts that the game was a sham, they reacted at a glacial pace.

Selig is so surrounded by yes-men and so comforted by apologists in the media – or organizations willing to suspend anyone who mocks him – that he believes his own lunacy.”

“That Selig.
Son of a bitch is dug in like an Alabama tick.”

Jessie Ventura as “Blain” in Predator.

I’ll admit freely that I’m a fan of the TV show Paranormal State. Now E! has a new take on ghost hunting that involves hot chicks in little IQ and scary places. Welcome to Hot Girls In Scary Places, starring the USC song girls.

“They’re totally scared, and totally believe experiences they’re going through,” says executive producer Gary Auerbach. “They’ll get scared and then be talking about a sorority party coming up. It’s a little bit ‘Scooby Doo’-ish.”

I think Weird Al already used this idea in UHF. I think some paranormal activity might be going in my pants. Quick, I need the USC Song Girls to investigate. (I realize that was crass but it sure is funny)


Regardless of what anyone thinks I was not in Tuscaloosa yesterday!!! I have an alibi, isn’t that right Joel? (wink wink nudge nudge)

My pick for next year’s NBA Slam Dunk contest is David Stern.


Posted in Alabama Crimson Tide, Ashton Kutcher, Bud Selig, Charles Barkley, DAvid Stern, Jesse "The Body" Ventura, NBA, USC, University of Southern Cal, Vince Mcmahon, WWE, Washington Nationals, cheaters, wrestling | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Whoever said “Revenge is a dish served cold” never beat this high school basketball team

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on February 19, 2009

Everyone has heard the phrase “Revenge is a dish best served cold” well one high school basketball team in Illinois might disagree with that statement.

The Hiawatha High School boy’s basketball team lost a road game to Indian Creek back on January 30th, so boys being boys chose a method of revenge that was definitely not cold. Just like a screening of R. Kelly’s new music DVD, the boys of Hiawatha decided to urinate all over Indian Creek’s visitors locker room and spill two bags of popcorn around. Urine and popcorn: two great tastes, that goes great together.

This mess was photographed and presented to Hiawatha school officials. After being presented with the evidence the school officials asked for the urinating youngsters to step forward and admit their more than apparently wrong doing. There was only one man among the boys on that day and he stepped up a took responsibility however officials determined that the amount of urine “was too much for just one person,” and decided to cancel the remainder of Hiawatha’s season.

“They said there was too much urine to be one person,” said Webster, whose son is a senior on the varsity team. “They apparently, in the investigation, decided there was more than one person. I don’t know how you can determine what it was after it had dried.”

Webster said that the administration demanded that all of the members of both the varsity and freshman/sophomore teams write letters of apology to Indian Creek.”

Too much for one person why that sounds like a challenge to me! I smell an ABC After-school Special!!! No wait, it’s only urine. Which one of you guys ate asparagus?

Officials also objected to the Indian Creek janitorial staff referring to the locker room as a “Urine Soaked Hell-Hole”, when they could have just used “pee-pee stained heck hole”

Of course the Hiawatha players and parents are fighting back, trying to salvage the season. In my opinion I believe the proper punishment was doled out. Rumor is the school was thinking of changing its mascot to the Hiawatha “Fightin’ Kellys” before this incident took place.

Of course they can change the lyrics to the fight song as well.

Hiawatha High School, we hold you in our hearts
But really, we should hold our piss
Instead, we show no smarts

No word on if Indian Creek is planning to retaliate by leaving feces and pretzels all over the Hiawatha locker room.

Posted in High School Basketball, Urination, moron, pranks | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »