Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

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The University of Florida wants to honor their jort wearing zombie boosters

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on March 5, 2009

Remember Jamar Hornsby? He was the Florida Gator player who stole the ATM card from a dead student and used it numerous times. Well, now the University of Florida wants to make it easier to steal from dead people by building a graveyard right on the campus.

Must not make burial at sea joke… must not make burial at sea joke…

According to officials at Florida they receive multiple requests from jort wearing fans that want their ashes spread onto the field and/or to be buried on the campus. So in order to this and of course turn a profit they want to charge alumni $3,000 to $5,000 to store their remains there for all eternity or until Tim Tebow ascends to heaven.

Now it’ll be a little easier to approach the Gators in Heaven.

“We feel like it would be meeting a need. I can’t tell you how many people call,” said Katie Marquis, the university’s alumni association director of membership and marketing.”

They want to start out by building something called a columbarium which is a fancy way of saying fireplace mantle but there is a problem the university doesn’t meet the state requirements for starting their own cemetery.

Of course the state legislature who happens to be filled which jort wearing Florida grads is working on a bill that would grant state schools special dispensation, so that they might better address the needs of boosters.

The first two burials will be the careers of Rex Grossman and Danny Wuerffel followed by Joakim Noah.

Of course if the bill fails the fallback plan closely mirrors the end of Temple Of Doom.

A remake of “Left for Dead” starring Tim Tebow, Jokim Noah Steve Spurrier and Erin Andrews is hopefully in the cards.

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