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Archive for March 27th, 2009

How to dance into the heart of a former gymnast

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on March 27, 2009

The way to win a former Olympian gymnast’s heart is ever so simple: duct tape, a handgun, a shotgun and a shotgun. At least that’s what Robert O’Ryan, 34, thought when he went to break onto the set of ABC’s Dancing with the Stars earlier this week. He had thoughts of love about Shawn Johnson.

Shawn Johnson is the 2008 Olympic women’s balance beam gold medalist, the individual all-around silver medalist, the 2007 all-around World Champion, and the 2007 and 2008 U.S. all-around champion. In case you didn’t know. Luckily for those Chinese gymnasts, they’re not allowed to dance.

Johnson was hanging out on the set of Dancing with the Stars while O’Ryan was busy jumping a fence at ABC studios and was subsequently stopped by security. He just wanted to meet Johnson because even though she doesn’t know it yet, they’re soul mates and are destined to have babies together.

“He believes (Johnson) is speaking to him personally through the television and via ESP and that he will be with her no matter what,” Johnson’s court papers state.”

So she told him via ESP to come take her away, but she also told him to bring two guns and some duct tape? That’s a kinky bitch.

Erin Andrews tells me via ESPN that we belong together.

This tale of love gone awry ends typically: a restraining order has been filed and O’Ryan is being held on $35,000 bail on suspicion of carrying a loaded firearm in public. William Shakespeare couldn’t have written a more tragic ending.

It’s too bad this didn’t happen when Mark Cuban was on the show. Security might have allowed the guy to enter the building.

However I believe if he truly loved her he would have been wearing adult diapers and a wig. Come on man, act like you give a shit!

Posted in Crime & Punishment, Dancing with the Stars, Gymnastics, Shawn Johnson, Stalking | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

“I loved coaching you girls, here’s a photo of my spike”

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on March 27, 2009

For the past several weeks I’ve written about at least one high school coach doing bad things that involve kids and this is no exception.

Meet Jeffrey Steffens, he currently plays volleyball for Sacramento State and used to coach the freshmen girls team at Union Mines High School in from Oct. through Dec., 2008.

Like all good coaches he chose to keep in touch with his former players and follow their development as volleyball players. He also kept them in the loop about his development of his penis by sending photos of it via a cell phone. For odd reason I can see a text message coming in before the photos saying “DUZ THIS LK INFECTED 2 U?”

And now for perhaps the dumbest quote of the week:

“Union Mine varsity volleyball coach Mike Yates says he knows Steffens. “He works hard, he cares about the kids,” he said. “I don’t think he messed up, I just think he got caught up in a screwy situation.”

Of course the photos came to the attention of school officials and thankfully so and Steffens was subsequently arrested. He’s already posted bail. This is why I only show pics of my wang to my parents. You know they’re not gonna call the cops. Correct me if I’m wrong but aren’t high school freshmen like four-freaking-teen years-old?

I wonder if his defense will be “I meant to show them my six pack, but the camera slipped.” Steffens will be seeing many more back row attacks in prison.

This is the most tragic volleyball story I’ve heard since Gary broke his foot right before the game where Zack could win Mr. Carosi’s car.

Posted in Crime & Punishment, Sicko, Volleyball | Tagged: , , | 2 Comments »