Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

A Sports Blog on why ALL Teams Suck…Again!

Archive for March, 2009

College Wrestling: Who Knew Wrestling Could Be So Violent?

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on March 23, 2009

In case you were to busy watching basketball or picking dingle berries out of your neighbor’s ass, the NCAA Wrestling Championships was this past weekend. The Iowa Hawkeyes won the team title even though they didn’t have an individual champion in any weight class.

Iowa’s best hope of winning a personal was on the shoulders of junior Brent Metcalf who happened to be riding a 69-match winning streak however he was beaten in the final by N.C. State junior Darrion Caldwell. Caldwell decided to celebrate this victory by performing a backflip in which Metcalf shoved him to the ground while he was in midair. Vince McMahon used to put a lot more money into Wrestlemania.

Since when is fighting apart of a sport such as wrestling? What’s strange is that in the third period Caldwell had to take an injury timeout because his lower back was hurting. so I guess after some Mr. Miyagi treatment, he was cured to perform backflips. Metcalf has only lost 2 wrestling matches in his entire varsity life (he was 288-0 in high school and 71-1 in college before Sunday) with both losses coming to Caldwell-so he was understandably perturbed because if he kept his streak alive his next opponent was going to be Goldberg.

Oh, and in case you were wondering: Edinboro University’s Paul Donahoe, one of the former Nebraska wrestlers that were kicked off the team for posing nude in videos and photographs on an Internet p0rn site, beat a one-legged guy in the semi-final (seriously!).

Donahoe failed to win a championship due to a technical violation in double overtime. (He illegally clasped his hand behind his opponent’s head, and was docked for the winning points.) His coach should be fired for forgetting the ol “throw chalk in the ref’s eyes” move. It was his only loss of the season unless you count his loss of pride and self-worth.

All in all the video makes me wish there were more backflips in wrestling, or more wrestling/violence in gymnastics. I think it would make both sports more fun to watch.

Posted in Backflips, Iowa Hawkeyes, NC State Wolfpack, NCAA Wrestling, Nebraska Cornhuskers | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »


Posted by Thomas the Terrible on March 23, 2009

Santa Claus got angrier then I remembered.

I hope you enjoyed the first and second round of the big dance this weekend. Now Kansas fans WTF is this? What is that he is holding, the J.D. Power Award for Best in Class Safety?

I’m not gonna lie … I have absolutely no idea what that is. My first four guesses:

  1. Moses
  2. Poseidon
  3. General Kris S. Kringle
  4. King Kandy

Posted in Big 12, March Madness, NCAA Basketball, WTF, kansas jayhawks | Tagged: , , , , | 2 Comments »

Gamecock football player arrested signifies that spring is officially here

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on March 23, 2009

Toke toke pass

You know it’s been awhile since I’ve had the pleasure of to write anything negative about a Gamecock football player. To be totally honest I was beginning to get worried. I mean spring just isn’t the same around here in Columbia unless you have pollen, thunderstorms in the afternoons and a Gamecock arrest. Luckily for Mother Nature 2 out of 3 ain’t too bad.

Last Tuesday it was announced that defensive tackle Ladi Ajiboye was suspended indefinitely which of course in Steve God Spurrier terms means a couple of practices. It has now been revealed that Ajiboye was arrested in February for being a participant in a drug deal. Somehow the Spurrier regimen somehow kept this hidden from the Gamecock hating liberal media of Columbia. This reason I say that is because all the Gamecock fans complain how only negative things are written about their team.

Within the past two seasons Ajiboye has started in 22 games and is considered a key to the defensive line. Don’t worry Gamecock fans this boy is a producer on the field and you know as well as I do that if the starting QB can key a professor’s car, be arrested multiple times within a year and set of fire extinguishers in the dorms for fun then Ajiboye will be back on the field by next week.

According to the Columbia Po Po, on the February 21st, they witnessed Ajiboye engage in a “hand-to-hand transaction” with another person. Ajiboye at the time was driving Terrence Campbell’s car. Campbell is an offensive lineman for the Gamecocks. Ajiboye just wanted to get his Phelps on!

The Po Po staked out the car and after Campbell like a moron failed to signal for a turn, he was promptly pulled over. There the Po Po found evidence of the sweet sticky icky weed that Ajiboye confessed was his. I will give credit to Ajiboye for manning up there.

“Our narcotic agents witnessed a drug transaction,” sheriff’s department spokesman Chris Cowan said. “They saw him get into the car. They made the stop. He was arrested.”

Campbell, a redshirt junior who started nine games at guard last season, was not charged in the incident.

Never fear Gamecock fans you have Neal “Johnie Cochran Jr.” Lourie. Believe me he could have gotten OJ off the last charges. Then again if Lourie can’t work his magic then there’s always pumping gas.

Posted in Crime & Punishment, Po Po, SEC Football, South Carolina Gamecocks, Stephen Garcia, Steve Spurrier, USC, bongs, mary jane | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Butler just couldn’t dig in enough to beat LSU

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on March 20, 2009


I'm not picking my nose...I'm pointing to my brain.

Congrats to LSU for repping the SEC in their first round win against Butler.

Isn’t being on the bench for Butler enough shame for one person?

Posted in Butler, LSU Tigers, March Madness | Tagged: , , | Leave a Comment »

Coach K doesn’t approve of Obama’s brackets

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on March 20, 2009

Even though President Obama has a former Duke player as his personal aide, Coach K is none to happy about his bracket picks.

The president unveiled his bracket this past Wednesday and of course ESPN is making way to much of a big deal about it. As you can see here Obama has Duke losing to Pitt in the East Regional.

Coach K is not happy about this:

“Somebody said that we’re not in President Obama’s Final Four, and as much as I respect what he’s doing, really, the economy is something that he should focus on, probably more than the brackets,” Krzyzewski told a reporter from the Associated Press on Wednesday.

This has prompted the writing of the Coach K Haiku:

Gets every whistle
Complains like a bitch when not
Even to the Prez

In retaliation Obama has selected Dean Smith as his ambassador to Krzyzewskiville

Even though we don’t talk about political issues here at, Obama made a statement that I agree with 100%:

“It has nothing to do with McCain – I think Arizona is a great state: I love playing golf there. But hey just squeaked in based on reputation,” Obama said.

Amen to that!

Oh and Coach K I have you losing to Texas and so does the majority of the country so suck it.

Posted in ACC Basketball, Arizona Wildcats, Coach K, Duke Blue Devils, March Madness, Pitt Panters, President Obama, Texas Longhorns, dumbass | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

19 cheerleaders, one elevator…oh why wasn’t I there?

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on March 19, 2009

Here is another:

“Dear Penthouse,

I never thought this would happen to me… “

Moment in time to share with you.

I have a joke for you. What do you get when 19 Fashion Institute of Technology (in New York City) basketball team cheerleaders try to use one elevator at the same time? Well I honestly don’t know but what the hell does the Fashion Institute of Technology have a basketball team for anyway? Maybe they play ITT, DeVry or the University of Phoenix.

Here is a cliffhanging tale of fear, lust and 19 F.I.T cheerleaders in one elevator gone wrong and how even though they faced fear at 92 feet, the ultimate cheer and the knowledge of using paisleys and pastels saved the day. Oh yeah I guess one could also mention the firefighters as well.

When the F.I.T cheerleaders met an empty elevator last Sunday, the temptation to cram themselves in it was obviously too much to resist. The elevator was on the eighth floor-lounge and they were headed for the gym which is located on the main floor.

Suddenly the God said no in the form of a disaster and Dennis Hopper is really desperate for another movie role, apparently. So here’s a first-hand account from The Love of Sports:

“We get in, the elevator starts to move down slowly and then began to shake. Then it dropped abruptly two to three times. The elevator slowed and then stopped altogether. So, of course, it started in panic, and you can imagine how loud it got with 19 cheerleaders screaming all at once … Once we all decided we were stuck we called F.I.T. security through the elevator phone thing and they said they’d get to us ASAP.”

“Then it started to get REALLY hot … And I know, laugh it up, every guy’s dream come true. Where else would you rather be than stuck in a hot elevator with a bunch of cheerleaders? But I’m sure any straight male that had been in that situation with us would’ve realized pretty fast it wasn’t anything even remotely sexy. So, here we are taking pictures of each other while F.I.T. security is tinkering with the door to try and get us out. We couldn’t be sure what floor we were on, or if we were stuck between floors … 30 minutes later, we hear someone saying, “fire department,” and, of course, we were thrilled!”

“Some of the girls took video as they opened the doors just to try and capture the look on the firefighter’s faces when they saw 19 cheerleaders stuck in between floors one and two. The firefighters were great and got us out as quick as they could, but, of course, cracked a few jokes on us on the way out … It was pretty easy to get out, being cheerleaders, we just lifted people up and out, it was probably the quickest elevator evacuation the firefighters ever had.”

Verily, the Fire Department Gods smiled on the cheer-babes for their professionalism. However after reading the first hand account I have determined that had they all died, the world would have lost about 850 IQ points in total.

One girl called it a cheer-tastrophe, and another girl thought the firefighters did their job cheer-riffically.

Riveting…really….it should be noted that two of the cheerleaders were dudes…which of course means they were most likely in heaven or gay. And since they are going to F.I.T…you can use the term dudes very loosely. This sad thing is this isn’t the first time this as happened before.

I believe there should a national cramming the elevator with cheerleaders competition. After all it wouldn’t be the most retarded thing ESPN as shown on their airwaves.

Posted in Cheerleaders, ESPN, Fashion Institute of Technology, WTF | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

Further proof that white men can’t dunk (or at least stick the landing)

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on March 19, 2009

As a white person I feel I have every right to ask this of fellow white people: Please for the love of God, stop trying to dunk. You’re really embarrassing me.

Wyoming’s Adam Waddell had a nice breakaway in the CBI tournament, but then he single handedly set back the white basketball players can dunk movement 10 years. Then again this can only improve the CBI’s already sterling reputation in the college basketball world. I think CBI must stand for College Bonehead Invitational, am I right folks?

Rep the Mountain West, baby. Rep it ’till the death.

I’m sure this kid will be just fine. He’ll make a good living hustling the players on inner-city basketball courts and getting his annoying girlfriend a shot on Jeopardy.

Posted in CBI, Mountain West Conference, NCAA Basketball, WTF, White men can't dunk, Wyoming Cowboys | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Team USA Rallies and Tommy Lasorda is the reason why

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on March 18, 2009

Last night Team USA rallied in the bottom of the 9th inning by scoring three runs to oust Puerto Rico from the World Baseball Classic. They should all thank Tommy Lasorda for this moment.

On March 5th Lasorda gave fans of the World Baseball Classic U.S. team a pep talk from the observation deck of the Empire State Building (I’m not sure why), where he said the following quote:

“We cannot allow those clubs to beat us. It’s our game,” the former Los Angeles Dodgers manager said Thursday. “Remember one thing: In your hearts, you better pull for the USA or you may not get into heaven.”

“It’s our game. Baseball is America‘s game. It doesn’t belong to the Italians or the Cubans or the Koreans or the Japanese,” he said. “It’s our game, and we’re not going to let them beat us.”

He’s got more patriotism in his wrinkled left nut than any of you fucking ladies.

Ironically, Tommy’s lunch that day consisted of pizza, Cuban sandwiches, kimchee and sushi, but I would still take Lasorda’s word for it. He and St. Peter went to high school together.

I feel certain these words resonated with Team USA even if they heard them or not.

I’m just glad to see he’s been keeping off those pounds he lost on Slim-Fast.

I am humming the Star Spangled Banner over here.

Go Team USA!!!

Posted in Team USA, Tommy Lasorda, WBC, World Baseball Classic | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

There are lesbian teachers in San Francisco?!?! When did this happen?

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on March 17, 2009

She doesn't need this, she inhaled her favorite whistle this morning.

Before I begin with this post I should warn you: Apparently there are gay & lesbian teachers within the San Francisco area. Don’t be alarmed from the intelligence I’ve gathered points to the fact they have been there awhile…cumulating in numbers…so please do not go all Rambo Red Alert on me.

Meet Megan Sainsbury, a 31-year-old PE teacher at Prospect High in Saratoga, she was arrested on suspicion of having an inappropriate relationship with a 17 year-old student. Sainsbury is also a girl’s field hockey coach. Gee…a lesbian field hockey coach, what are the odds of that? Some say field hockey is a sport that was invented to punish women for wanting to play sports.

“The misconduct alleged in the documents occurred from October 2007 to January 2009. According to court records, Sainsbury and the student kissed and touched, but there is no evidence they had sex. They allegedly exchanged text messages of a romantic nature. Sainsbury bought the teen gifts, including a cell phone, to entice the girl to continue their relationship, a Santa Clara County sheriff’s report contended.”

I wonder if School administrators began to become suspicious of Sainsbury when rumors swirled about her newest practice drill, “Flicking the Bean.” From the looks of her mug shot one would think she was arrested for dealing and/or doing Meth.

To make matters worse, Sainsbury is an assistant coach with the University of California field hockey team. She played for the Cal Hippies Bears and holds the school records for assists and points.

The arrest of Sainsbury is the third of such arrests of female PE teachers in the San Francisco area within the past two weeks. The other two are facing more serious charges. You might be wondering what the in world is going on in the extreme left coast. Well, this is one opinion:

“You probably noticed that several teachers have been arrested on these types of charges lately,” said Santa Clara County Supervising Deputy District Attorney Mike Fletcher, head of the sexual assault team. “But teachers are no more likely than doctors, lawyers or newspaper reporters to commit these crimes. Sex crimes affect a wide cross-section of demographics. I think it’s just a fluke.” That said, Fletcher added that he believes the use of technology, such as texting in particular, can intensify a relationship between a coach and student.”

There it is right there! It’s technology’s fault!!! Damn Steve Case for inventing AOL!!! Let’s burn him on the stake!

Let’s review one comment you made Mr. Fletcher:

But teachers are no more likely than doctors, lawyers or newspaper reporters to commit these crimes.”

Umm, except teachers are around kids all day.

By the way that might be the longest job title in the world. I can’t help but think “head of the sexual assault team” might be a little confusing to victims.

Sainsbury: “I’ve been around the world, from Berkeley to South Bay!”

Student: “You can’t touch this.”

Posted in Cal, Lesbians, PE Teachers, San Francisco, Texting, University of California berkeley | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Well has crushed yet another dream of mine

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on March 17, 2009

Well this sucks! I had a dream of owning a New York Yank’me jersey with “A-Roid” on the back but noooo…MLB censers will not allow it.

Darren Rovell reports in his CNBC Sports Biz column the is banning various “user submitted” nicknames on jerseys such as A-Roid, A-Fraud and Jeter Sucks Steinbrenner Cock.

“ spokesman Matt Gould told CNBC that the league does not allow fans to personalize products with anything that is deemed inappropriate, derogatory or profane. Fans haven’t been able to personalize their jerseys on the site with the word “steroids” since 2005, but as of this afternoon, fans can get A-Rod’s drug of choice, “Boli,” on the back of jerseys. They can also get “Sucart,” the last name of A-Rod’s cousin, who has been part of the story.”

Is “Ron Mexico” or “I ♥ Madonna” OK ?

I love the Yankee fans who spend $80 on a replica (a replica!) Jeter jersey, with his name across the back, despite the fact that the Yanks have NEVER HAD NAMES ON THEIR JERSEYS.

Actually, wait. I do not love those people.

Posted in A-Fraud, A-Roid, Alex Rodriguez, Derek Jeter, MLB, Major League Baseball, new york yankees, yankees suck | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »