Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

A Sports Blog on why ALL Teams Suck…Again!

Archive for April, 2009

Oh yeah this was a fine pick for Dallas…

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on April 30, 2009

Behold David Beuhler, the place kicker from USC and 5th round draft selection of the Dallas Cowboys. Riding a mini horse just tells me he has a sense of humor. It is those velcro sneakers that let me know he’s retarded. Think his cleats will have laces? 

Your move, Gramatica brothers.

Posted in Dallas Cowboys, NFL, NFL Draft, NFL Football, dumbass | Tagged: , , , , | 1 Comment »

The Yankees slash ticket prices…but they still suck

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on April 30, 2009

In case you’ve been living under Andre Smith’s belly fat for the past six months then you know that the Yankees have a new glorious stadium. It’s new and shiny and a lot of homeruns have already been launched out of it, just not by Yankee players. Oh and another plus side of this new stadium is it doesn’t smell like piss and vomit…yet. 

One draw back to this new stadium is for reason they can never sell it out. Sure in one game they have more people in attendance there than what MLS can draw for an entire season but that’s not saying too much. 

Another disturbing thing about the new Yankees Stadium is they no longer sell Eveready batteries at the concession stands, only the fancy Energizer Ultimate Lithium ones. Those are way to expensive to throw at opposing players. 

So what do you when you’re located in a city that is over flowing with millionaires that love to flaunt their riches but yet can seem to sell the ever so TV friendly seats so they remain an embarrassment? Simple you slash the prices from highway robbery to dark alley mugging. The tickets have gone from $2500-a-game to the infomercial price of $1,250! Oh God what a bargain… 

The full-season Legends Suite and ticket licenses priced at $2,500 per regular-season game in sections 15A-B, 24B and 25 will be reduced to $1,250 per game. Those who have already purchased those seats will receive their choice of a refund or credit. The full-season $1,000 seats will drop to $650 per game with a similar policy. 

Those who have purchased full-season $2,500 seats in sections 16-24A, Legends Suite seats for $1,250, $850, $600 and $500 will receive a specified number of complimentary seats. The same goes for future purchases of such seats. 

The Delta Sky 360 suites in Sections 218A-222 will be reduced from $750 to $550 per game, with refunds/credits for those who already purchased. 

In order to encourage people to buy the $325 tickets in sections 115-125, fans will receive a specific number of complimentary tickets along with their purchases. 

This move has angered Keith Olbermann

MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann, who owns three $850 Legends Suite season tickets, was unhappy prices were cut only for those with front-row seats while others will be given additional tickets.

Wow…he’s complaining about extra free tickets. That makes me hate him even more than before. Perhaps Mr. Olbermann can use the extra ticket to bring his ego to some games? 

Empty seats that are in the line of the TV cameras…Welcome to Atlanta, Yankees! 

In a related story, Jeter’s herpes have being downgraded from ‘flesh eating and horrific’ to ‘irritated and swollen.’

Posted in MLB, Major League Baseball, new york yankees, yankees suck | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

Bruce Pearl attempts to sway Layla Kiffin?

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on April 29, 2009

We all know Bruce Pearl has a smoking hot girlfriend. But does he have his eyes set on smoking hot mother of three Layla Kiffin

Clay Travis reports that the energetic basketball coach was asked at a Tennessee alumni reception about how he was getting along with King Kiffin©, who was also in attendance, and Pearl had this to say: 

“I’m trying to date his wife. But that’s not working out too good.” 

God bless Pearl and his creepy advances. I like Bruce Pearl’s chances with Layla Kiffin better than Lane Kiffin’s chances against Florida this year.

Ordinarily an off the cuff remark such as this one should be taken as good nature ribbing. But remember King Kiffin© was annoyed when Layla was Google searched by professional internet masturbators. Will Pearl feel King Kiffin’s wrath via kick in his horny balls? Could we blame Kiffin if he did that? But they appear to be getting along just fine and received a standing ovation at the event. 

Another fun factoid: As a Florida Gator undergrad, Layla was a member of the notorious Zeta Tau Alpha sorority, which counts America’s Sideline Princess Erin Andrews as one of its members.

Honestly, if she had a Tom Selleck mustache, I’d still hit it.

Posted in Bruce Pearl, Erin Andrews, Go Big Orange, Go Vols, King Kiffin, Lane Kiffin, Layla Kiffin, SEC Coaches, Tennessee Volunteers | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

The question is: Will Prince approve of this new mouth guard?

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on April 29, 2009

The next time you’re watching the Arizona Diamondbacks take a close look at Eric Byrnes while he’s in the batter’s box. You will notice that his mouth guard is well…purple. 

Bow down to the Purple Power mouth guard you peons! It was developed by a dentist in Nova Scotia. Can we really trust a foreign dentist even if it is Canada we’re talking about? This new mouth guard is also being embraced by Dustin Pedroia, Manny Ramirez and Ryan Howard, among others. 

From the Arizona Republic

“I originally started wearing it because our trainers thought it could possibly help my hamstring,” the Diamondbacks outfielder said. 

Umm…I like many others who play touch football on icy soccer fields in the wintertime have pulled a hamstring and let me tell you it had nothing to do with a mouth guard. Can someone from the Diamondback management send Byrnes to an anatomy class at a local technical college? 

But the inventor of the mouth guard and mad scientist, Anil Makkar, states it’s true: 

“The jaw joint is actually the focus of power in the body because that is the most used joint in the whole body,” Makkar said. “So what we’re basically doing is trying to find the most comfortable position of that lower jaw. … It relaxes all the muscles in the face and allows you (to) use more of your upper and lower body strength.” 

I believe the testimonial by the Diamondbacks’ Mark Reynolds says it all: 

“It’s supposed to line your jaw up and help you breathe and a bunch of shit,” the third baseman said. 

You going to try it out? 


This will never catch on until Barney officially endorses it or until someone figures out how to put an advertisement or camera on it. Next thing you know players will be wearing oxygenated, energy necklaces or whatever the fuck those things are. 

For the record A-Rod’s been doing the homeopathic version of this for years. He just substitutes cock for a mouth guard.

Posted in A-Rod, Arizona Diamondbacks, MLB, Major League Baseball, Purple Power | Tagged: , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Hockey fans celebrate goal by performing mock fellatio

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on April 28, 2009

Honestly you have to ask yourself: Is that a father and son combo?

Posted in NHL, WTF, YouTube | Leave a Comment »

Jayson Williams doesn’t want you to forget him

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on April 28, 2009

You should remember Jayson Williams. Seven years ago the former New Jersey Nets player accidentally shot and killed his limo driver and then attempted to cover it up. Even though he never served time for the shooting he still faces a re-trial on manslaughter and obstruction of justice charges. But hey what’s another sevens years anyhow? So there’s no rush or anything. 

Williams was arrested yet again after destroying a hotel room and becoming violent and acting “suicidal.” My guess is he is upset over the Jets trading up to pick Mark Sanchez in the draft. I don’t think he’s going to get his TV job back if he keeps up this sort of behavior. 

A female “friend” (most likely a hooker) called New York’s finest were called to the hotel room shortly after 4:00 a.m. Once arriving to the room police discover that Williams to be agitated and “tipsy” and refused to leave the room. Officers then used “an electrical device” to subdue the perp (i.e., they tazed him, bro) and hauled him off St. Vincent’s Hospital for a psychological evaluation. 

Williams has 11 days to accept a plea deal involving the case where he shot his limo driver with a shotgun in his home and is facing a May 12 hearing in a divorce case filed by his estranged wife, Tanya. 

Williams’ lawyers also visited him at St. Vincent’s and one of them, Chris Adams, said afterward: 

“Jayson is at the hospital for a medical issue. He’s in stable condition, and we expect him to be released, with a full recovery. Any suggestion that he is there against will is false.” 

The limo driver’s sister, Andrea Adams, told The Post she doubted Williams tried to commit suicide. 

“It’s just another ploy to get sympathy from the public and postpone the retrial. They keep dragging it on and on and on. You have a wound and they just won’t let it heal.” 

“Somewhere, sometime, Jayson will have to answer for what he’s done,” she added. “Maybe not to me. Maybe not to a judge. But he’s not going to be able to buy his way into heaven.” 

I’d try to kill myself too if people were constantly confusing me with Rick Fox.

Posted in Jayson Williams, NBA, NYPD, New Jersey Nets, Po Po, divorce court, suicide attempt | Tagged: , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Yankees vs. Major League Soccer

Posted by Joel on April 27, 2009


The New York Yankees. One of sports money franchises. Someone once told me the Steinbrenner family has one of those money bins like Scrooge McDuck, where the family swims in gold doubloons from the $20 cups of beer. They have built a billion dollar palace to play in, and my friend John has told me that the stadium is the nicest stadium he has ever been in, no matter the sport. He should know, because he has covered the past 3 Olympic games and has been to events I could ever dream of going. The stadium has been a virtual launching pad for home runs and the fans are certainly entertained by the barrage of offense. At least, the ones that can afford the expensive seats.

Don Garber, commissioner of Major League Soccer, took notice of the empty seats. He noted, in the context of a down economy, that the Yankees were having trouble filling those $2K per game seats. Of course, one would read that commissioner of MLS is willing to go down a path of futility when discussing someone’s lack of attendance. Even Donna Orender, president of the WNBA, dare not travel down this road.

Enter Randy Levine. Levine is the president of the New York Yankees. He also took notice of the coments that Garber said. Here is his response:

“Don Garber discussing Yankee attendance must be a joke,” Levine said Friday. “We draw more people in a year than his entire league does in a year. If he ever gets Major League Soccer into the same time zone as the Yankees, we might take him seriously.
“Hey Don, worry about Beckham, not the Yankees. Even he wants out of your league.”

Game. Set. Match. Levine. I am not a Yankees fan, but Levine just ripped this guy a new one. For starters, the Yankees do draw more people in a year than his entire league. They definitely have more revenue generated. I mean, I haven’t seen Kansas City Wiz caskets or Columbus Crew Tiffany style lamps. Also, Beckham is trying to take his MLS cash and play overseas. I still don’t even know how MLS is still even in existence.

Levine has been a controversial figure for the Yankees. He has been painted as the guy to blame for Joe Torre no longer being the manager of the team, he has been known as a tough negotiator within baseball, and has managed to amass great power throughout the organization. I think he was channeling his inner Steinbrenner. Of course, he should have tapped into his inner Theo Epstein and gotten the team some ground ball pitchers, or pitchers that can at least throw consistent strikes.

Posted in David Beckham, MLB, MLBPA, Major League Baseball, new york yankees | Tagged: , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Tony Allen receives death threats from Chicago fans yet Joakim Noah doesn’t…strange

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on April 27, 2009

In case you haven’t heard yet Boston Celtics guard Tony Allen has angered some Chicago Bulls fans to the point of actually threatening to kill him. During the past two games in Chicago Allen has had more security around him than Michael Jackson ever had during one of his trials that involved the words kids and Neverland ranch.

The Celtics assigned a security detail behind the bench in case some Chicago Bulls fan was to attempt to shoot, stab, tiddy twist or wet willy Allen during the game. When asked about the situation by Boston Globe reporter Marc Spear, Allen become irritable:

“Is that what you’re going to write about? Is that what you’re going to write about?” said Allen, before walking away after being asked about the threats.”

Umm yeah asshole…sheesh no wonder people want to take some shots at you.

Apparently these threats against Allen have been going on for some time now. Chicago is Allen’s hometown. He also received threats when the Celtic traveled to Chicago on 03/17/09 however Allen missed that game due to a thumb injury. Rumors and theories are abound as to who is actually making the threats. It might have something to do with a bar fight Allen had in 2005 which resulted in one person getting shot in the arm.

Allen was in the fight that resulted in a guy getting shot and going to the hospital now his friends vowed to send Allen to the morgue. That’s the Chicago way.

If they are going to shoot every NBA player that’s been in a bar brawl/gun incident/late night happening, the whole league will have no players.

If you think people in Chicago are pissed now, wait until he reveals he wants to change his name to “Clean Elections”.

Posted in Boston Celtics, Chicago Bulls, Death Threats, NBA, NBA Playoffs | Tagged: , , , , | Leave a Comment »

How come my little league coach wasn’t a drug trafficker?

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on April 24, 2009

If you have ever seen the movie The Bad News Bears then you know about the bail bondsmen, Chico’s Bail Bonds, who sponsored the little league team in the movie. Well, let’s all hope there is a generous bail bondsman in Alabama cause one little league coach there really needs one. 

When I played little league baseball for the Greer Dodgers (Hell yeah I made the all-star team) my coach certainly didn’t have a kilo of cocaine and an unregistered weapon on him that I could see, then again I didn’t grow up in Alabama either. 

Meet Marlon Wade, a little league coach of 11-12 year-olds in the Saraland Baseball Association. He has actually been coaching there for about 6 years. While one of his hobbies does include helping Alabama youth achieve little league greatness while developing their baseball talent, he also enjoys drug trafficking, sudoku, theft and assault. 

He was recently arrested while in possession of $24,000 worth of cocaine and an unregistered weapon and he has 22 prior arrests on charges of disorderly conduct, theft and assault. I really don’t want to know why he took his infielders to Columbia, and I really really don’t want to know how he got the cocaine into the country. 

Meanwhile the team parents are frantically calling around and leaving cryptic messages on their friends voicemails including phases like “the hookup” and “some shit” 

But hey he is a little league coach and that’s a good quality. I guess background checks are expensive. 

“It’s expensive to do them, but that’s not an excuse,” said Todd Edge, Commissioner for the Saraland Baseball Association. “We have 150 coaches in the baseball park. I talked to some independent agencies. It’s 40 dollars per coach to do a background check, so you’re talking about six thousand dollars. We don’t get city funding.” 

So I guess baseball commissioners at every level make ridiculous excuses for not checking for drug use. Get the kids (or their parents) to kick in $2 apiece as a coach background check fee. It’s pretty fucking simple, isn’t it?

Or your coaches could sell cocaine and pool the proceeds together for the background check. Hey, whatever works! 

The coach has been banned from coaching in the league, talk about a harsh punishment.

Posted in Alabama, Little League Baseball, cocaine, dumbass | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

Let the hate begin. It’s time for the Red Sox and Yankees to renew their rivalry for 2009

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on April 24, 2009

This weekend is one of the better sports weekends especially if you’re a Red Sox fan. That’s right Sox and Yankees renew their hate-fest. We all know the Yankees blow, my God they can’t even sell out that brand new stadium of theirs. 

David Ortiz has already issued a warning to Joba “The DUI Drunken Hutt” Chamberlain about throwing at the heads of Red Sox players. See in 2007 Chamberlain threw behind Youkilis’ head twice in one game. Then last July this occurred. 

Ortiz talked to reporters on Wednesday between games of a doubleheader with the Twins. 

“None of that, man – just play the game the way it’s supposed to be, and that’s about it,” Ortiz said, referring to Chamberlain. “This is a guy, as good as he is, the next step for him will be to earn respect from everybody in the league. He’s not a bad guy, but when things like that happen, people get the wrong idea.” 

Basically he is saying “Oh and please don’t pitch drunk.” 

Then again this is just another example of the Dominican Republic going out of its way to police other countries. See? And you thought I couldn’t pick on teams or players I like. 

The photo is a screen shot of CNBC’s Closing Bell during the Consumer Electronics Show of 2008. Don’t these guys know they don’t have to make degrading personal appearances until they’ve retired and shitted all their money away? 

Joba just can’t get away from the prison stripes look. Guess he’s preparing for his future 10-year stint when he pulls a Stallworth.

Posted in Big Papi, Boston Red Sox, DUI, Joba Chamberlain, MLB, Major League Baseball, Sox Rock!, new york yankees, yankees suck | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »