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Archive for April 14th, 2009

The “Real” Winner of The Masters was…

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on April 14, 2009

Sure Angel Cabrera technically won The Masters and get to wear one of the ugliest green jackets known to man however the real winner was John Daly. 

So what if the fascist good time hating overlords that make up the PGA suspended Daly for six months because of a little “misunderstanding” due to the many Jager bombs with beer chasers that Daly so much enjoys. That doesn’t stop him from turning a profit though did it? 

What you can't see are the 8 empty beer cans and crushed marlboro packs near his bucket of golf balls...

Daly was selling his clothing line just outside the gates of Augusta National. I mean look at the photo above. It was taken during the 2006 Masters and what red blooded man wouldn’t want to look like that? 

From the John Daly Apparel site

Comfort is the key ingredient in John Daly Apparel. Most items carrying the “Daly Comfort Wear” tag are made from Technical Performance fabrics that are moisture wicking, deodorizing and provide SPF protection. There are also some very high-end cotton and extraordinary specialty lifestyle shirts. 

Free 12-pack of Milwaukee’s Best with purchase and sizes range from XXL to Charlie Weis. Do they have replicas of all his orange jumpsuits with actual inmate numbers? That would be pretty solid.

Hey the man did have John Gruden as his caddie once…how many of us can say that? Of course how many people can claim (or at least want to claim) that they were found passed out drunk in a Hooters parking lot? Wait that was me in middle school, bad example. 

The real question is which bus has more wing bones lying around: Daly’s or the Madden Cruiser?

Posted in Hooters, Jager bomb, John Daly, PGA, The Masters | Tagged: , , , , | Leave a Comment »

But did they force him to yell “Thank you sir, may I have another?”

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on April 14, 2009

For the most part high schools are clueless as to what they want in life other than getting laid. I was clueless and chances are you were clueless as well. So when a high school football player quits his team and decides to come back what should the punishment be? Would you have him write a 400 word paper on the reasons he left and why he wants to come back or make him explain to his former teammates why he wants to return while profusely apologizing and allow them to take a vote on the matter? In a worst case scenario allow him to return but make him responsible for collecting all the dirty jock-straps to be laundered. Personally if I was the coach I would choose all of the above.

One high school in Texas does things a little different. Instead of reasonable solutions to this problem they rather make the student drop his pants for a brutal paddling.

In order to return to his team, a Lincoln High School (Dallas) varsity football player had to endure being struck on buttocks and lower back 21 times with a canoe paddle by seven different coaches. The brilliance of this punishment was conceived by head football coach, Jerry Sands, who is now on paid administrative leave.

At least they abandoned their original idea of using a trolling motor, and thank god he didn’t try to quit the baseball team!

“Lincoln coach Tyson Garner, who witnessed the paddling, stated in an affidavit that Sands gave the student about four licks before the board cracked at the base. Garner said another coach mended the board with athletic tape and gave the student five quick licks that were milder than the first four, seemingly to try to conclude the punishment.

But Sands “proceeded to continue the licks,” according to Garner. After the paddling, some witnesses heard Sands say, “What happens in the room stays in this room,” according to the report.”

jasper2I have a bit of a problem with the use of the term “licks” when it comes to what these guys were doing to that guy’s ass.

I believe that Lincoln High School might be the only high school in Texas with a canoe team.

The principle of Lincoln High School, Earl Jones, at first saw nothing wrong with this punishment and only gave the coaching staff a verbal reprimand, however I’m sure he is changing his tune now that he was given a 20-day suspension and reassigned to another campus. Apparently the Dallas School District is taking its cues from the Catholic Church playbook.

In most other states, paddling the (assumed) bare buttocks of an under aged boy would bring a felony sex crime charge.

In Texas, not so much.

You never see this on Friday Night Lights.

Posted in Cry Baby, Dallas, Getting spanked, High school Football, Lincoln High School, Paddle | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »