Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

A Sports Blog on why ALL Teams Suck…Again!

Archive for May, 2009

Disturbing image Friday: The Burger King Beat Down

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on May 29, 2009

Yes I realize this has nothing to do with sports however it’s too funny not to share. This Burger King in Miami takes the competition against McDonalds very seriously. This Burger King location also wins some style points for the bang up frame job as well. 

Jack (in the Box) can still kick both their behinds with one bulging bicep tied behind his back. Do something about it!

Posted in Ass Whipping, Burger King, WTF | Tagged: , , | 1 Comment »

So you think you’re smarter than a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on May 29, 2009

In order to become a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader you to know how to dance, have a lot of enthusiasm and grace, have the ability to do high kicks and splits and have a bubbly personality. You should also look damn good skimpy dancewear. Oh yeah you better know a thing or two about the Middle East as well. 

Yes it’s that time of year again: Dallas Cowboy cheerleader tryouts season. The ladies trying out will have to pass a personal interview, prove that they were a snobby prom queen and pass an 80 question written test that ranges from the history of the Cowboys to the countries that border Iraq. 

Here are some sample questions. Some I might have add some for comedy reasons you should be able to pick those out. 

1. Where will the Cowboys play their final home game this season? 

2. Where will the Cowboys hold their 2009 summer training camp? 

3. Name the Cowboys legend who served as head coach for the team’s first 29 years. 

4. What year was the Cowboys’ first season in the NFL? 

(A) 1960

(B) 1962

(C) 1964

(D) 1965 

5. How many stars are on the Cowboys Cheerleaders’ uniform? 

6. Who is commissioner of the National Football League? 

7. How many yards are in an NFL end zone? 

(A) 10

(B) 20

(C) 30

(D) 50 

8. Name one country that borders Iraq. 

9. How many blunts have Michael Irvin smoked?

(A) 0

(B) 10

(C) 80

(D) 500

(E) Enough to be a Hall of Famer.

10. If you get within range during your sideline activities, would you be willing to kill Tony Siragusa? 

11. Would you be willing to join a dance team member for a “party” with owner Jerry Jones? 

12. What is your name?

13. What is your favorite color?

14. What is the terminal velocity of a coconut laden sallow? 

15. What is the sound a doggie makes? 

The answers will be revealed on next week’s episode of “So you think you’re smarter than a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader.”

Posted in Cheerleaders, Dallas Cowboys, Jerry Jones, NFL Football | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

Apparently Derrick Rose really is stupid

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on May 28, 2009

In less than 24 hours after the news broke about Memphis and “major” recruiting violations, there’s a brand new report that claims Derrick Rose needed a lot of help getting into a finer institute of higher learning.

The Sun-Times is reporting that four students at Simeon High School in Chicago, including Rose, had grades changed on their high school transcripts after graduation. The grade were changed and then mailed to colleges and then changed back once they were mailed. So far no one knows who changed the grades or even why, because it would not have affected the students high school eligibility however it is interesting to note that Rose and two other students affected were apart of Simeon’s back-to-back state championship teams. Amateurs… all I needed was a sharpie to change my F to an A.

Also altered on Rose’s transcript: He likes Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain. He’s not much into Yoga and he has half a brain. Ok I’m paraphrasing on that.

Now I know the very thought of some “one-and-done” player might have needed some help getting into a college is hard to fathom, but trust me it does happen. Since Rose is already in the NBA I suppose we’ll just have to take our anger elsewhere. I vote for booing the kids who misspell words during the televised spelling bee tonight.

Posted in Chicago Bulls, Derrick Rose, Memphis Tigers, NCAA Rules Violation, cheaters | Tagged: , , , , | 1 Comment »

Gators ripping off other Gators…lovely

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on May 28, 2009

School pride can be a wonderful thing and former Gator Anthone Lott has so much Florida pride that he refuses to commit crimes unless they are against other former Gators. 

The state of Florida has filed charges against Lott accusing him of theft, fraud and money laundering, for a crooked construction deal in which Lott took money from a bank construction loan, and then did none of the work he was hired for. Which was probably building a cross for Tebow or something.  The contractor at the other end of the loan was fellow former Gator Joseph Weary. Both men are apart of the 1996 championship team. Lott is definitely the 1% of 1% material that Meyer craves. 

Lott & Weary were actually in a civil suit over this very situation but settled out of court last year, but the state prosecutors have filed charges so the fat lady hasn’t sung yet. Maybe Steve Spurrier can be called into this case and dispense justice with his “Visor-of-Death.”  As long as he doesn’t disrespect the play-calling, I’m sure Lott will be welcome back in the athletic department anytime.

Posted in 1%, Crime & Punishment, Florida Gators, Gator Gangsters, Gator mafia, Steve Spurrier, Urban Meyer | Tagged: , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

This is the stuff nightmares are made of

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on May 27, 2009

At first I thought “Jesus Christ, David Carradine has really let himself go” but now I’m not sure who or what the he/she was that sitting behind the Cavs’ bench last night but I’m frightened. It kinda reminds of the undertaker known as the “Tall man” from Phantasm. Of course the Tall man wouldn’t dare be caught dead in a gold jacket either.

The guy in the Magic jersey behind Mike Brown looks like he a) totally regrets dropping $185 on a JJ Redick jersey or b) just shat himself and hopes Brown doesn’t notice.

Posted in Cleveland Cavaliers, NBA Playoffs, Orlando Magic | Tagged: , , | Leave a Comment »

It’s summer in South Carolina time for the arrests to start happening

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on May 26, 2009

Well I certainly hoped you enjoyed your Memorial Day weekend I know I certainly did. I believe that there is one South Carolina recruit and one current football South Carolina player that did not enjoy this past weekend.

First up is the highly touted running back recruit Ben Axon. Axon originally committed to Clemson also had offers from F$U, West Virginia and Purdue.

Axon should be making plans to report to South Carolina in June like all the other freshmen football players but I have a feeling he will be held up for awhile. The Manatee (Florida) Po Po pulled over a car that had the odor the sweet sticky icky weed radiating from the backseat where Axon and the 23 bags of marijuana that he was “holding” was. Call it a tribute to Michael Phelps.

Axon has been released on bail but whether he will have a chance to graduate with his class on May 30th or even the scholarship offer from Steve God Spurrier is still good is right now up in the air. Knowing Spurrier’s past history of discipline I’m sure it is.

Speaking of discipline let’s move on to current South Carolina cornerback C.C. Whitlock. He was just reinstated after the sophomore missed most of spring practice while under academic suspension.

This past weekend Whitlock was arrested for trespassing after him and a few friends refused to leave a club after the owner, security personal and deputies ordered him to exit the premises.

Spurrier has suspended Whitlock from the team for now. Whitlock was one of five players who brawled with non-students in September during a fracas at the food court of the Russell House.

Posted in Crime & Punishment, Discipline, Marijuana, Po Po, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, South Carolina Gamecocks, Steve Spurrier | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Sometimes politicians make me look brilliant

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on May 22, 2009

Before I begin this rant let it be known that I do currently own a gun and I have a permit to carry a concealed weapon. There’s a reason I started this post off like this keep reading and you’ll see why. 

Contrary to popular belief most politicians really aren’t complete idiots. Most are former attorneys who wanted something more. Then there’s Ernest Wooton a state representative in Louisiana, now he makes Les (Big hat little penis) Miles look like a Rhodes Scholar. 

See State Rep. Woot there it is Wooton is proposing House Bill 27 which allow anyone with a concealed weapons permit to carry a gun on Louisiana’s college campuses. This has cause Miles to stop playing with his voo doo doll of Kirk Herbstreit and make the following comment: 

“I am concerned about this piece of legislation for reasons far greater than sports,” Miles said in a statement issued Monday. “Having worked on a college campus for most of my career, I know that firearms do not belong on campus. 

“To allow firearms on campus would be to introduce an element of risk that could compromise all that is good about a university setting.” 

I whole hardily agree with Coach Miles. First no one tailgates harder than LSU fans and they take pride in that. If a game is happening Saturday then they start parting Wednesday. Bottom line alcohol and firearms do not mix, much less combined with fan frenzy and bitter feelings either by LSU fans after a loss or opposing fans after a loss. 

Now I’m not picking on LSU either. I don’t want to be able to carry a firearm on the campus of Tennessee or any other institute of higher learning period. 

What’s really scary about this situation is that Gov. Bobby Jindal (Louisiana’s governor) actually supports this bill and stated he will sign it to law. Maybe both Wooton and Jindal are smart men but they are certainly lacking something called common sense. 

So here is a question for you and feel free to answer this in the comments section: How safe would you feel traveling or attending a game at a school where you know that some drunken spectator is most likely carrying a firearm?

Posted in Firearms, Kirk Herbstreit, LSU Tigers, Les Miles, SEC Coaches | Tagged: , , , , | 2 Comments »

Citifield toilet attempts to eat a Mets fan

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on May 21, 2009

gold tooth

Ever notice how Mets fans think everyone is against them? In reality they are asking for it especially when one of them goes toilet diving after a gold tooth and gets stuck. At that point they all should be embarrassed.

Stadium security had to call a plumber to free a woman’s arm that had gotten stuck in a toilet at Citifield last week. Somehow someway she dropped her gold tooth in to the vile water and just had to get it back. Her arm was lodged in the low flow toilet as it flushed continuously over her. If she was a heroin junkie then she would have been able climb all the way in the toilet no problem.

“The woman did not recover her tooth, but was plenty relieved just to leave the bathroom. The Mets and Cardoza Plumbing declined to comment.

Some low-flow toilets use powerful vacuum suction to minimize the amount of water needed, but it’s unlikely that contributed to the woman’s hand being stuck, a Queens plumber said. “The truth is, this kind of thing happens all the time — usually with wedding rings or cellphones,” he said.

“People have probably been getting their hands stuck in toilets as long as there have been toilets.”

Is there any doubt she was attempting to retrieve the tooth to immediately try to put it back in place? Man, I hate when that happens. That’s why I always wait for a urinal or a sink to open up.

Posted in Gold Tooth, New York Mets, dumbass | Tagged: , , | 3 Comments »

The rise of King Kiffin on Twitter

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on May 21, 2009

TweeterKiffin

Now that Lane Kiffin has proven that either he or his staff will use any kind of technology to get him and the school in trouble, I’ve taken drastic measures and I’ve taken his Twitter privileges away. From here on out if he feels the need to twitter then he has to go through me and I’ll post it under the name King Kiffin.

I’ve actually been doing this for a couple of weeks because his 140 Twitters are extremely boring. (Watching game film.) Mine will be funnier and there won’t be some dumb ass assistant writing them. Personally I would like to see Layla register for a Twitter account.

I keep expecting to see something like this on Lane’s ramblings:

Got up this morning, got caught violating NCAA rules again. Caught wife in bed with Bruce Pearl.

Or this:

LaneKiffinUT@BrucePearl: LOL I Kno! Why do they call us the Volunteers if we get paid, right? g2g, don’t tell Pat about my twitter account! ROTFL!

I picture Kiffin being wheeled away from Knoxville, strapped down to a hand truck, with a mask over his face to prevent him talking.

Somewhere in a dark chamber Al Davis is laughing maniacally. And as soon as someone finds him, changes his soiled britches, brings him back upstairs and tells him about this he’ll laugh even harder.

So if want to start follow King Kiffin on Twitter feel free to if all else fails it will at least be funnier than Ron Zook’s babblings.

Posted in King Kiffin, Lane Kiffin, Layla Kiffin, NCAA Rules Violation, Ron Zook, SEC Coaches, Tennessee Volunteers, Twitter, Zooker, dumbass | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

In case you didn’t know…

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on May 20, 2009

Michael Vick snuck out of prison this morning to avoid the onslaught of media that was awaiting for him. However YMSWWC’s super photographer did manage to snap this shot.

FreeVick

Posted in Crime & Punishment, Douche Bag, Michael Vick, dog fighting, ookie | Tagged: , , , , | Leave a Comment »