Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

A Sports Blog on why ALL Teams Suck…Again!

Author Archive

Alabama Crimson Tide All-America Andre Smith has been suspended from the Sugar Bowl

Posted by Billy Bob Bammer on December 29, 2008

sabionk4

WTF is Saban doing? You just don’t go and suspend an All-American left tackle like Andre Smith for violating “team rules.” He won the Outland trophy for God’s sake!

“The University of Alabama, the team and the football program are more important than any individual player,” Crimson Tide coach Nick Saban said in a statement Monday. “Every one on our team depends on each other to be responsible, to make good choices and decisions relative to their actions.”

Wait…we win the freaking Fulmer Cup for having the most off season’s arrests and now you want to play Mr. Disciplinarian? We need him Saban.

Now Smith is a perfect fit to go to Detroit with the 1st overall pick…he seemed too good for them until now!

Thanks Saban…its bad enough we got beat by jort loving Gators and now this.

“Our priority and focus as a team is to play the best football game of the season in this Sugar Bowl, and to support our players to overcome any adversity this unfortunate situation has created,” Saban said.

He better not be opening his own Jimmy Johns franchise. I own that shit in Bama! RTR!

Posted in Alabama Crimson Tide, Bama Bangs, Bammers, Discipline, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, bad calls | Tagged: , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Welcome to the FAIL room bitches!

Posted by Billy Bob Bammer on December 16, 2008

holy-saban

That’s right! I is back! I’ve been silent this whole season while Saint Saban the Behr reincarnated racks up victory after victory. The reason for my silence is mainly because I’ve been doing a stretch in the state pen or as my fellow Bama boosters like to say: scouting for new football recruits. RTR!

First let’s talk about my bestest friend in the world Mr. James Fail, a fellow Bama booster. After all the millions of hard earned dollars that was earned through moonshine and cock-fighting that Mr. Fail has given to the BUSDGP (Buy us some damn good players) fund, Bama has officially named the visitors locker room “The Fail Room.” RTR! I also call my bedroom the fail room but for other reasons.

Strangely enough, another donor’s donation resulted in the renaming of Saban’s office. The Donor’s name is James J. HolyShitThat’sALotOfMoneyI’llTakeTheJob… Jr.

Hopefully someday I’ll get that outhouse in the west end zone named after me. Also this is coming just after Mississippi State renamed its stadium “LOL Field.”

Now on to the evil plan Auburn has that concerns assassinating Saint Saban.  Everyone knows this plan won’t work…but it almost did. Reports are flooding in that Saban’s ribs are sore from laughing at the fact that Gene Chizik has hired as the Auburn coach. RTR!

Nice try Auburn but it didn’t work.

Speaking of Auburn I see the services of former offensive line coach Hugh Nail are not wanted in college football. Hugh has taken a job with a trucking company. RTR good buddy! I’ll stop by later today and exchange some crystal meth for a hooker.

Congrats to Urban Meyer’s daughter, Nicki on receiving a scholarship from Ga. Tech. Here’s a piece from the Rivals write-up:

“Always being the new kid, Nicki often was asked to switch positions to fill whatever holes were left open.”

Well…alrighty then…

RTR Bitches!

Posted in Auburn, Bama Bangs, Bammers, Fail, Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets, Nick Saban, SEC, SEC Football, Urban Meyer | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Billy Bob Bammer 1 The Rogue Cop of West Columbia 0

Posted by Billy Bob Bammer on August 29, 2008

It seems that tricking the Rogue Cop of West Columbia is easier than I thought. Since he announced the news that he was looking for me I’ve been covering my tracks purdy good. RTR!

The latest twist is he thinks he broke into my house and seized some meth-making equipment but it wasn’t my house it was my cousin’s house, Berry Bob Bammer. RTR

This is my place go compare it to that dump Berry lives in. RTR (Sorry Berry)

See I own several Jimmy Johns franchises in and around the T-Town Ghetto area so I quit dealing with meth…errr I mean I’m a legit business man. However Berry unfortunately thinks he can make meth more marketable. He has even talked of opening a Mike Price strip club.

See what people like the Rogue Cop doesn’t understand is those big time Bama boosters like me are protected by the spirit of the Behr. RTR!

As you can see from the photo below we’re presently building an alter to the Behr and for that added realism effect, the hat was doused with copious amounts of bourbon. RTR! The hat would have been bigger, but Phil Fulmer secretly conspired with the NCAA to force the manufacturer to keep it at 550 pounds.

I'm protected by the spirit of the Behr. RTR!

I hear Auburn’s doing the same thing only with a giant Massengale Bottle in honor of Tuberville. RTR! There’s also a rumor floating around that Auburn has recruited the “Super Best Friends” to construct and animate a giant Bo Jackson to break in and steal our giant Behr Bryant alter, but don’t worry we’ll be ready for them. RTR!

Anywho back to Rogue Cop…see we’re protected from all forms of justice. Logan Young didn’t become a martyr for nuffin! Now there is a splinter group that call themselves Sabantologist…they might be AS protected as I am but they are protected because Saban is the Behr reincarnated! RTR!

Better luck next time Rogue Cop I’m Atlanter bound to watch the Tide score 300 points against Clemson.

RTR Bitches!

Posted in ACC Football, Alabama Crimson Tide, Bama Bangs, Bama'zoids, Bammers, Clemson Tigers, Crime & Punishment, Crimson Tide, Roll Tide, SEC Football | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

I’m a wanted man!! I ain’t skeered

Posted by Billy Bob Bammer on August 28, 2008

 

Clemson fans are in awe of us. RTR!

Clemson fans are in awe of us. RTR!

Well folks it seems the Rogue Cop of West Columbia is hunting me down what he doesn’t understand is unlike our football players I’m too smart for the cops!

This pillar of justice claims to have seen me trying to steal an ATM gather funds legally for the Logan Young Memorial fund and commit a blatant act of vandalism beautify the place with RTR’s & I pray to the Behr.

What the Rogue Cop doesn’t realize is Bama Boosters like me own the police except for the 11 of them that arrested our boys of course. But they were underpaid rookies so they’ll learn. I know some of you reading are thinking that’s police corruption. One mans police corruption is another mans way to supplement his income. RTR!

I dare the Rogue cop to come to T-Town. I is a master of disguise & I’ll send one of my girls to entice him. Maybe Bertha (photo seen below) she’ll know how to throw him of the scent. RTR!

Yall dont be wacking off to her too much you might do bald. Ever notice how Saban has thinning hair?

Yall don't be whacking off to her too much you might do bald. Ever notice how Saban has thinning hair?

Of course the Rogue cop is a Clemson which is the real reason he wants to put me in the slammer, because with out me in the nose bleed section in seats that I had to sell my blood for Bama wouldn’t win!

All I gotta do is say the Behr’s prayer to keep me safe:

Now I lay me down to sleep

I pray the 12 championships the NCAA will allow Bama to keep

If I die or get arrested before I wake

I pray the Behr and Logon Young will receive my soul & my Bama bangs to take. RTR!

Besides the Rogue cop will have his hands full with USC football players before to long.

RTR Bitches!

Clemsons new uniforms

West Columbia police trainee uniform

Posted in ACC Football, Alabama Crimson Tide, Bama Bangs, Bammers, Clemson Tigers, SEC, SEC Football | Tagged: , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Yeah we got 12 (Cylinders)

Posted by Billy Bob Bammer on August 27, 2008

We ain’t forgotten about Kenneth Page either bitches. RTR!

Things are heating up for those little pussycats called the Clemson Tigers. It seems their defensive coordinator is jealous because all they offer to their players is a free car wash and a gift card to the Waffle House while our players are sporting Escalades.

At least that’s what Vic Koenning is implying in the Charleston Post and Courier with this quote:

“I actually ran into Julio in the spring recruiting. I said hello to him. I said, ‘Well, I guess I’ll be seeing you at the end of August.’ And then he got out and got in his Escalade and drove off. That’s serious. And then I went over and watched (Alabama freshman) Burton Scott at Vigor High School at the track over there, and Burton Scott was running around. He went and got in his Escalade out at track practice and drove off. So I’m familiar with those two guys.”

Let me tell you thing son we don’t be driving American here. RTR! We gots ourselves a Mercedes plant and with funds secretly transfers from out “Bama Spirit Account” to the bank accounts of some boosters in the Logan Young Memorial Fund, we can get some kraut cars pretty darn cheap for our players.  RTR!

Now it’s time to play Bama fans’ favorite game: Six Degrees of Blaming Phil Fulmer.

Here goes:

  1. Vic Koenning is the defensive master for Clemson.
  2. Clemson is the alma mater of Tennessee Athletic Director Mike Hamilton
  3. Mike Hamilton just gave Phil Fulmer a big raise at the end of last season.

See there’s where your car funds are going…into Fulmer’s pockets. It’s all jealousy because we have the Behr Reincarnated and meanwhile, Clemson recruits drive some bad-ass 1990 Ford Tauruses, RTR! (Nothing wrong with a Taurus mine is an 85 all stock bitches!)

At first I was suspicious because our players riding around in new Crown Vics, until I realized they were cop cars. That’s why we’re Fulmer Cup bound! RTR

When I was praying to the Behr he appeared and said “I want to know why our players aren’t driving Bentleys RTR!”

So Clemson let this be a reminder to you even though you will most likely win Saturday, our rides pimped out Behr style,. RTR Bitches!

Posted in ACC Football, Alabama Crimson Tide, Bama Bangs, Bammers, Clemson Tigers, Nick Saban, SEC, SEC Coaches, SEC Football | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Forbes names Saban an official Man-God!

Posted by Billy Bob Bammer on August 15, 2008

That’s right! Forbes has officially named our Behr reincarnated Nick Saban as God! Well at least close to it. Everyone knows Coach Bryant is the one true savior! rtr! But Saban is his son! RTR!!!

Outside of Squirrel Hunting Weekly I normally don’t read much, but I learned that Forbes has named the Behr’s personal disciple Nick Saban “Most powerful coach in sports.”

See? I told ya he was named God. RTR!

So what if Tim “Teabag” Tebow is on the cover of Men’s Fitness. If we got to play Florida we would own them! That is after we get over the 6-6 regular season record, learn to beat Georgia, and learn to beat Louisiana Lafayette. Rtr

All that will come in time. That one hounds tooth crown of thorns today has already started laying groundwork. For starters he done went and took Louisiana Lafayette off the schedule. Rtr!

He’s already brung us a the Logan Young recruiting national title and soon we will lay claim the Fulmer Cup. Let’s look at this write up that Forbes has done.

“But in Tuscaloosa, which was desperate to return to national football prominence, Saban, 56, was a savior, welcomed with an open wallet. Saban, with his agent, James E. Sexton II, negotiated an eight-year, $32 million contract that was, at the time, the highest salary ever paid to a college coach. It remains among the highest and is bigger than all but a handful of NFL coaching salaries. His deal includes, among other perks, 25 hours of private use of a university airplane, two cars and a country club membership, extras that make his annual compensation closer to $5 million a year, estimates Smith College economics professor Andrew Zimbalist. He can leave the school at any time without financial penalty, a rarity in big-time college coaching contracts.

Do huh? He gets all that? And all we get so far is a 7-6 season with embarrassing loses including back to back loses to Mississippi State?

Breath deeply Billy Bob he will lead us to the promise land & salivation of a BCS title. What else is he stealing from us getting?

“What’s more, he was given total control of the football program: recruiting, coaching, business administration and public relations. There are coaches at other universities who have similar salaries, like Charlie Weis at Notre Dame and Pete Carroll at the University of Southern California. But no coach, including those in the professional leagues, can match Saban’s combination of money, control and influence. Saban, now entering his second year as the coach of the Alabama Crimson Tide, is the most powerful coach in sports.

Holy Mother of Behr! Well no worries if Forbes has named him most powerful coach then it’s gotta be true. After all Forbes knows mediocrity winners. Rtr bitches!

Posted in Alabama Crimson Tide, All SEC Teams Beware!!, Bama Bangs, Bama Cheats, Bama'zoids, Bammers, Forbes, Nick Saban, SEC Coaches, SEC Football | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

It all smoke and mirrors because Georgia cheats!

Posted by Billy Bob Bammer on August 5, 2008

The Fulmer Cup is ours bitches! Keep your MFing paws off!

The Fulmer Cup is ours bitches! Keep your MF'ing paws off! RTR!

You dirty MF’ing Dawgs! I know that you know that I know that Little Bear Cub knows that you dirty Dawgs are nothing but cheaters! I should know I’m a Bama fan and Bama fans know cheating tactics (R.I.P. Logan Young) when they see it. Hell we invented it! rtr

Do you Dawg fans have a contract on my life? As Thomas the Terrible reported, when I heard about your practice sessions for next years Fulmer Cup I went on a Copenhagen & PBR bender. Now that I’m out of the hospital I see you’re actually trying to make a push to win that dang’um cup this year!

Georgia listen to me, you’ll never defeat Alabama (except on the football field.) To add insult to injury you’re holy of holiest coaches is trying to steal our cup by cheating!! You dirty Dawgs! rtr

Go ahead and suspend Darius Dingleberry Dewberry for overturning the beds of Bama fans trashcans and vandalizing a hospital. Truth is he wasn’t arrested so you get no Fulmer Cup points! Ha! RTR!

“Yeah, it’s embarrassing,” Richt said, “it’s sad. It’s certainly been a distraction. There is no way you can say it’s not a distraction because it has been.”

You should be embarrassed about how you are trying to win the Fulmer Cup by cheating.

I will give Richt credit for choosing the pattern of discipline that the Florida Gators School of Discipline proved useful:

  • Rule 1 – Always suspend your players during the first game (or two) of the year against patsies. No longer is suspension ever necessary.
  • Rule 2 – The Crowder rule. If a tough opponent appears during the first two games, enforce the discipline at a later game in the year against a weak sister team.
  • Rule 3 – The Thomas rule. Alternate suspension time around important games. Suspend the player. Bring him back. Suspend him again. Bring him back. Then dismiss him.

Go ahead and try to cheat in order to win. You’ve bitten off than you can chew Dawgs. Alabama perfected this method. The crimes of your players are frail and weak compared to Bammers crimes. You have pubic drunkenness we have cocaine dealer. (Remember to stop by the corner of Main & 4th that’s where I opened my Jimmy Johns franchise.) RTR

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to masturbate to old episodes of “Petticoat Junction.” RTR Bitches!

Posted in Alabama Crimson Tide, Bama Bangs, Bama Cheats, Bama'zoids, Bammers, Fulmer Cup, Georgia Bulldogs, SEC, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, cheaters, mark richt | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

You damn Hawgs! You’ll never beat us!!

Posted by Billy Bob Bammer on July 31, 2008

Mrs Bammer love Arkansas love. Losers!

Good God almighty I’m tired. I just got back from cutting the kilos and getting ready for the grand opening of my own “Jimmy Johns” franchise. (wink wink) Now that things have settled down here I have time to celebrate the “Logan Young National Championship in Recruiting” and what the hell do I find out? Arkansas is attempting to steal the Fulmer Cup from us? rtr

Ernest Mitchell faces misdemeanor drug and gun charges after a traffic stop? What is this, the sixth player arrested this year, and the third in two months? I’ll admit it’s impressive but Bobby Petrino ain’t any Lord Saban!!! RTR!

However I am impressed with the Fayetteville police department. Mitchell was caught with a small-caliber gun, drug paraphernalia and what was believed to be a small amount of marijuana in his car.

Hey Mitchell come me I’ll hook your Hawg ass up!

Here is the kicker fellow Bammers, Mitchell wasn’t arrested but was given a citation for misdemeanor charges and allowed to leave. Why can’t the Po Po in this ghetto town be so kind?  If it was a Bama player the police would at least ask for a “donation” from the Tide legal fund. rtr

All told Mitchell faces charges of improper display of tags, possession of a controlled substance, possession of drug paraphernalia and simultaneous possession of drugs and a firearm. Improper tags? I never make Mrs. Bammer wear her tags of course she ain’t had her shots either. rtr

Well if you want to burn some ganja while cleaning your Glock, while driving that old truck, Arkansas is the place to be. They don’t call it The Land of Opportunity for nothing. I’ll be looking into opening some “Jimmy Johns” stores there soon. rtr

I’m sure Petrino sure is glad he left the Michael Vick circus in Atlanta for….Arkansas. I wonder what the over/under is in the category of “Hogs arrested” such that Petrino will up and leave in October? And the WalMartians are paying how much per annum for this? Can he guarantee a lose to Louisiana Lafayette? I didn’t think so!  RTR!

So I Arkansas credit for making a late rush for the runner-up spot in the Fulmer Cup. Very impressive. Only a few days to go till the tabulating is over with. But it would take a mega effort to overtake the Tide. RTR Bitches!!!

Posted in Alabama Crimson Tide, Arkansas Razorbacks, Bama Bangs, Bama Cheats, Bama'zoids, Bammers, Bobby Petrino, Crime & Punishment, Crimson Tide, Lord Saban, SEC, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, classless, dumbass | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Robert Wendell Smith: Worlds greatest Auburn fan!

Posted by Billy Bob Bammer on July 24, 2008

A lot has been said about the subpoena that Phil Fulmer received today. What everyone is failing to realize is Robert Wendell Smith is an Auburn fan. Sure people say he was a Bama booster but that was a cleverly devised ploy to hurt Bama. As a Bama Nation we must be atoned! RTR!

Smith is suing the NCAA for defamation, claiming the organization and several members of the infractions committee slandered him in accusing him of violating NCAA rules.

This “lawsuit” against the NCAA is garbage and this hurts my Bama nation more than Tennessee. Every time someone brings this up we are reminded that Saint Logan Young paid over $100,000 for Albert Means. Now it comes out that this Wendell dude paid $20,000 for this Smith kid? Bama fans let us all hope these charges were covered in the last round of probation we were served or we could risk having to answer more questions about buying players our recruiting methods. That would be a disaster for our program. The biggest irony of it all is that Lord Saban was one of the original coaches that turned Bama in on the recruiting violations. (He hadn’t been baptized by the spirit of Behr like he is now. rtr

According to the subpoena Fulmer is ordered to give a deposition on Sept. 25. The Thursday before the Auburn game! See folks what more proof do you need? Smith is a Barn lover!

Worst case scenario. Fulmer takes the stand and talks about how he, Steve God Spurrier, Houston Nutt, and present-day Behr resurrected Bama coach Lord Nick Saban all turned in the Tide for paying for players. If the our courts have any sense at all and Fulmer’s lawyers have any sense at all, this goes away quickly. I hope so because I have plenty money invested in the Hoover High team. I mean err… I need to hit the recruiting trail. rtr

Now we know in all likelihood the deposition will be moved because of the game. That is of course if this lawsuit doesn’t get thrown out completely before then.

This is a feeble attempt by an undercover Auburn fan to hurt both Bama and Tennessee at once. The attorneys for Mr. Smith are far from top notch as Lawvol stated in his take on this:

“Considering that the Blankenship, Harrelson and Wollitz, LLC website includes a “Do I Have a Case” web form as well as a PayPal link (which is a new one for this lawyer), the firm appears … well … in the vein of many of the firms that routinely advertise on daytime television.”

Another scary thought is now maybe Fulmer will get mad enough to actually have a game plan in place against us this year and that means trouble. Well played Auburn…well played.

Rumored to be Mr Smith notice how well he blends in with us? RTR

Posted in Alabama Crimson Tide, Auburn, Bear is Dead, Logan Young, Phillip Fulmer, SEC, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, Tennessee Volunteers | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

I Gots Me a Slew of Women Problems

Posted by Billy Bob Bammer on April 21, 2008

Hi Yall…Billy Bob here. I’m sorry I haven’t been around much. You see me and my second cousin removed who is also my wife and my sister by birth, Bertha Bob Bammer, have been fighting. I fact I tell ya we’s done split up.

Yeah she left me for someone because they gots fancier cloths than me, a bigger porch to put the dogs under, indoor plumbing & his mustache is coming thicker than hers. I hate my uncle! That son of a whoa whoa…. I can’t say that cause technically his mother is my mother and our cousin. Anyway I’m going to give you my top 10 dating tips.

WooHoo Pa lock up the younger sisters I’s back on the hunt again!

  1. Do not enter your date in a female mud-wrestling contest without asking her permission.
  2. Do not refer to your hunting dog or mother as “the other woman in your life.”
  3. Do not mention your UFO abduction experiences until at least the third date.
  4. Do not expect a woman wearing a dress to be happy about climbing into a truck with tires that are taller than she is. Be sure to warn her to wear jeans.
  5. Your favorite faded Dukes of Hazard t-shirt should be saved for the fifth or more date, unless, of course, it’s the only clean shirt you have.
  6. If the woman drives (which should be illegal since it’s a sin! Book of Bear: 5:15), never, ever try to get away with spitting tobacco down the side of your seat on the hope that she won’t notice. She’s not like your slobbering fishing buddies, so you must always roll down your window when you need to spit.
  7. Never compare her figure to that of a Coors can, even if you’re trying to tell her that she’s real sleek.
  8. Deep Woods Off! is not a substitute for deodorant.
  9. Never tell a woman straight out that you can’t have her name tatooed on you because your Mom, who is so proud of your bicep bearing her name, would be psychotically jealous unless of course it is your Mom.
  10. Do not invite a woman to go cow-tipping if she’s wearing high heels which don’t happen much in this state…hell shoes is rare as well.

There you have it folks…I sure do miss Bertha…ain’t she purty…I hate my uncle!

Posted in Sports | 1 Comment »