Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

A Sports Blog on why ALL Teams Suck…Again!

Archive for the ‘Arkansas Razorbacks’ Category


Posted by Thomas the Terrible on July 26, 2008

The following was written by Gray of Left On Lanier, who has allowed us to publish this. All the credit goes to him and him alone. This is hi·lar·i·ous.

Yes but for how long?

Yes but for how long?

Bobby Petrino, is an American football coach and an asshole. He is currently head coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks, but that could change by the end of this article.

Early Years

Petrino was born on Osama Bin Laden’s birthday (March 10) in Montana. He reached his peak of maturity 13 years later. He remained an emotional invalid through his college career as quarterback for Carroll College.

Coaching Career

Petrino became offensive coordinator at his Alma mater in 1985, helping Carroll College became the highest scoring team in the NAIA division. This distinction means nothing, since NAIA football is not real football. Petrino shows no emotion. He then started chasing jobs like Johnny Knoxville chases death. He worked at Weber State, Carroll, Weber State (again), Idaho, Arizona State, Nevada, and Utah State in the next ten years. Bobby likes the barren southwest. Its desolate landscape, long lonely expanses, and unforgivable terrain reminded him of his own vacant soul.

Petrino cried once, didn’t like it, and never did it again.

In 1997, Petrino went to Louisville. Then he went to Jacksonville. Then he went to Auburn. Then he returned to Louisville. His wife got tired of this shit.


Bobby Petrino is still currently the head coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks.

The Louisville Years

His wife got tired of this shit. In 1997 he became coach at Louisville (again) and decided he’d settle down for the rest of his life, or at least for four years or so. During this period, Petrino interviewed at Auburn, LSU and the Oakland Raiders.

Louisville got tired of this shit. After having some success and demonstrating one of the keenest offensive minds in real college football and not that NAIA crap, the Louisville Administration took control. The emotionally crippled Petrino agreed to a ten year, 25.5 million dollar contract on July 13, 2006 to remain their head coach and quit interviewing for every possible job within a 300-mile radius.

The Atlanta Months

This sumbitch signed a five year deal with the Atlanta Falcons less than six months later. Upon arriving in Atlanta, his star QB was accused of sneaking marijuana on an Airtran flight. Soon afterward, one of his players broke his leg in a jet-ski accident, another player was arrested for punching a dog in the face, his third string QB blew out his ACL. This was the good part.

Soon his star QB raised the ante by bankrolling a dog fighting operation, smoking pot while awaiting sentencing, and getting sent to Federal Prison. Petrino started Joey Harrington, for God’s sake. Soon, he replaced Harrington with a black guy that broke his ankle and bruised his tailbone, and then another guy who hadn’t played in the NFL in several years and sold insurance door-to-door in 2006. His team went 3-10. Petrino got tired of this shit.

Less than 24 hours after coaching the Atlanta Falcons in a nationally televised loss, Petrino accepted the job as the head coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks. He didn’t even wait for the END OF THE SEASON IN HIS FIRST YEAR. He had 3 jobs in 2007. Petrino makes Jeff George look stable.

The Arkansas Hours

Petrino is currently (still) the head coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks.

Trivia about Bobby Petrino

Petrino has had more jobs than Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka.

He has coached at 11 different places, 3 of these places TWICE. That’s a lot of freaking moving.

He has no allegiance to any team, or fan, or institution. He will lie to you.

Petrino doesn’t smile, as it is seen as weakness in most primates.

Listen. And understand. Bobby Petrino is out there. It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.

Posted in All SEC Teams Beware!!, Arkansas Razorbacks, Atlanta Falcons, Bobby Petrino, Liar, SEC, SEC Coaches, SEC Football | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Matt Jones was just “Holding” the Drugs…(Yeah…Right…Sure)

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on July 16, 2008

On advice from some snot-nosed attorney, Jaguars wide receiver & former Arkansas QB, Matt Jones isn’t squealing like a razorback about being charged with felony possession of cocaine.

However his pappy, Steve Jones, eager to get on TV issued a statement to KNWA-TV in Fayetteville, Ark., stating his coked up dumbass son is denying that the drugs belonged to him that ultimately led to his arrest and thus me mocking him.

“Matt is anxious to make a statement and wants to make a statement,” said the statement issued to the television station. “His attorney has advised him to not say anything until they have had a chance to speak together. They will release a statement at the appropriate time.

“We want to make it clear that Matt was not in possession of any drugs,” the statement continued, “but that there were drugs in the vehicle and were located in the closest proximity to Matt. He does not claim any responsibility for the drugs.”

You tell’em pops! Of course by that logic there must have thousands maybe even millions of people falsely arrested and prosecuted for drug possession.

But…for some reason the police report seems to tell a different story and really helps to that theory out of the water.

Jones was spotted in the backseat of a Toyota 4Runner when an officer on foot patrol saw him with a “white powdery substance and in his hand, a credit card that he was using to chop up and scrape the powder.”

When asked by the officer if the powder was cocaine, Jones said, “Yes.”

You know that’s an old SEC football player pastime. Getting stopped by the Po Po and admitting that the drugs that were found were yours and then deny it in the media. South Carolina players do it all the time.

What would have made this story perfect is if the police officer embellished the report a little by saying “then Jones took a big snort of said power and uttered ‘My God I can’t feel my face.’”

Posted in A&E's Intervention, Arkansas Razorbacks, Crime & Punishment, Matt Jones, NFL, SEC, drugs, dumbass, jacksonville jaguars | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

The Little Known Features of EA Sports NCAA 2009 Football

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on July 15, 2008

Find your overrated school cover here

Well well well…today is the day that EA sports NCAA 2009 is released. There are many new features that aren’t gathering the attention they deserve, let’s go over some.

When you’re playing as Tennessee the more you lose the more stress is placed on the Great Battle Captain Phil Fulmer thus resulting in weight loss. Go for the male swimsuit model look! There’s also a special code that allows to take a virtual tour of Knoxville via police ride-a-longs. Sweet!

If you’re playing as Ohio State & make it to the BCS championship game but you’re paired against a SEC team…go ahead and press reset, you’ve automatically lost. Another note when you’re playing as Ohio State you can bypass playing Michigan game, you’ll win it every time so why waste your time.

There’s a secret Jimmy Johns mode when playing as Alabama where you can snort some of the end zone chalk.

While playing as Michigan if any opposing team makes fun of the fact you lost to Appy State you’re allowed to kick their mascot.

If you’re playing as Penn State and Joe Pa breaks his leg you can have him shot & put him out of his misery.

If you’re playing as Oklahoma and make it to a BCS bowl game just press reset you can’t win.

If you lose a game while playing as South Carolina you’re allowed to try and decapitate the opposing coach with Spurrier’s visor.

If you defeat Texas for the national championship you can kill and grill Bevo the Texas mascot or Matthew Mcconaughey your choice.

While playing as Alabama, Florida or South Carolina you’re allowed to comment crimes as players and then bail them out, supply them a lawyer and attend the trials as a spectator. There are also special codes of all three schools that allow you to use bongs, guns and stolen merchandise as “recruiting tools”.

While playing as Georgia you can have Uga defecate on any opposing coach’s shoe.

While playing against Michigan you can have the INS arrest and detain Rich Rodriguez for not having a green card on his person at the time.

If you lose to Louisiana-Monroe while playing as Alabama, you can send EA Sports a screen shot of the final score and they will ship you a loaded gun to kill yourself with, because no one should lose to them in real life much less during a freaking video game.

While playing as West Virginia you have a secret weapon in using the enormously ugly chicks as cheerleaders like the Angry Err posted here at LWS.

When playing as Ole Miss you can send dirty and obscene text messages to blond female members of press. Much like Houston Nutt did while at Arkansas.

When playing against Auburn at Auburn you have a brief window of opportunity to shoot down the eagle mascot in mid flight.

Speaking of Arkansas when you’re in coach mode you can up and quit without notice.

While playing as LSU, the more you win the bigger Les Miles’ hat gets.

Posted in Alabama Crimson Tide, Appalachian State, Arkansas Razorbacks, BCS, Bama Sucks, Big Twelve Football, Bobby Petrino, Coach Rich Rodriguez, Florida Gators, Gator Gangsters, Georgia Bulldogs, Joe Pa, Joe Paterno, LSU Tigers, Les Miles, Michigan Wolverines, Oklahoma sooners, Penn State Nittany Lions, SEC, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, South Carolina Gamecocks, Steve Spurrier, Texas Longhorns, West Virginia Mountaineers, big ten football, ole miss rebels | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Arkansas Player has Moped Rage

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on July 2, 2008

Backup linebacker Wendel Davis isn’t exactly the smartest piece of crystal meth on the university of Arkansas football team. He has an injured hand after a non-injury accident Tuesday that was followed by Davis dismounting from his moped and pounding on the windshield of the car that bumped his vehicle.

The Morning News newspaper of Springdale reports that Gary Crain, public information officer for the University of Arkansas Police Department, said Davis was stopped at an intersection when his scooter was bumped from behind by another motorist in a car.

“There was no real damage or no injury there, but Wendel got off his scooter and pounded the car to the extent that he injured his hand,” Crain said.

Crain said Davis caused dents to the car and broke its windshield.

Like this is actually a big deal. I break windshields with my bare hand all the time.

University police are investigating the incident.

Arkansas coach Bobby “Quitter” Petrino issued a statement released through the university that states he was aware of the incident, and would act appropriately once he had “all of the facts regarding the situation.”

Word out on the street say it was in fact Bobby Petrino’s car… well his rented U-haul anyway. Apparently he was getting prepared to activate plan B which is actually plan A in case things do not go well at Arkansas.

Posted in Arkansas Razorbacks, Bobby Petrino, SEC Football, dumbass, moped | Tagged: , , , , | 2 Comments »

How the SEC Faired in the NFL Draft

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on April 29, 2008

Alabama sent 10 but 0 were drafted. Draft rating; FAILURE

Arkansas sent 11, six those players were drafted, 2 of the six in the 1st round.

Auburn sent 11, five of those players were drafted starting in the second round.

Florida sent 7, two of those players were drafted, 1 of the two in the first round.

Georgia sent 13, four of those players were drafted starting in the fifth round.

Kentucky sent 7, four of those players were drafted starting in the fourth round.

LSU sent 11, seven of those players were drafted including the fifth overall pick.

Ole Miss sent 5, zero were taken.

Mississippi State sent 3, zero were taken.

South Carolina sent 4, one of those players were drafted.

Tennessee sent 8, three of those players were drafted including the tenth pick overall.

Vanderbilt sent 8, three of those players were drafted. 1 in the first round.

Side note. Tennessee should be the new linebacker U. Since 1999, Tennessee has had more linebackers selected in the NFL draft than any of the 10 schools with the most players picked since 1996. Penn State, meanwhile, has produced five. Only Miami (4), Ohio State (3) and Florida State (2) have produced more first-rounders over the same period. On Saturday Jerod Mayo became the 11th Tennessee linebacker selected since 1999.

This is how Bama did in the draft.

Posted in Alabama Crimson Tide, Arkansas Razorbacks, Auburn, Florida Gators, Florida Sucks, Georgia Bulldogs, Go Vols, Rocky Top, SEC Football, SEC Speed, South Carolina Gamecocks, Tennessee Volunteers, mississippi state bulldogs, ole miss rebels, vandy | 3 Comments »

Then there were 32…Alternate Title…My Brackets are Eff’ed Up

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on March 22, 2008

Upsets always happen in this tournament and round one proved no exception. My brackets are screwed up now. Sheesh.

My beloved Vols held their own and thwarted a late rally against the communist of American University.

Curry of Davidson became a legend as his team beat Gonzaga. I picked Davidson thank God.

Saint Mary’s was no match against Miami. Miami might be the most overlooked team in tourney.

Western Kentucky defeated America’s sweetheart team of Drake with a last second three pointer. Thanks Drake you screwed up my bracket.

South Alabama proved no match against Butler. The way Butler played I wouldn’t be surprised to see them defeat my beloved Vols.

Georgetown beat up on UMBC…yawn

Texas beat up Austin Peay…another yawn

But wait…on overtime game which saw UCONN get defeated by San Diego. Thanks UCONN you again proved you’re useless to me.

North Carolina looked like the number one should by scoring over a hundred against a hapless Mount St. Mary’s squad.

Oklahoma showed that people might have been overlooking them by defeated St. Joe’s handedly.

Vanderbilt embarrassed themselves and the SEC by losing to Siena. Thanks Vandy…you terds.

Miss. State rallied big time to defeat Oregon, another team the shouldn’t have been there.

Arkansas is jelling and Indiana is exited early so them can text Sampson whining.

Louisville attempts to make the case that for this year they are the best team out of Kentucky as they defeated Boise State.

Villanova defeated Clemson. Another five seed goes down to the twelve seed. Villanova’s tourney experience helped them mount a comeback. At one time Clemson led 32-18 in the first half. Nova won by six.

Memphis beat up on Texas-Arlington or as I have renamed them the University of Hank Hill.

Hank Hill with a young Billy Gillispie

Posted in Arkansas Razorbacks, Billy Gillispie, Boise State, Butler, Clemson Tigers, Davidson, Drake, Georgetown Hoyas, Go Vols, Gonzaga, Indiana Hoosiers, Louisville Cardinals, Memphis Tigers, Miami hurricanes, North Carolina Tarheels, Oklahoma sooners, Saint Mary's, Siena, South Alabama, Tennessee Volunteers, Texas Longhorns, Uconn, Vanderbilt, Villanova, Western Kentucky, vandy | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

A Win Win for the Cowboys & Raiders

Posted by Joel on March 19, 2008

jerry-jones-704497.jpg al_davis.jpg

Yesterday, the Oakland Raiders acquired CB DeAngelo Hall from the Atlanta Falcons for a 2nd and 6th round pick i this year’s draft. The Raiders then gave Hall a 7 year, $70 million extension. This gives the Raiders an upgrade in the secondary, Hall a much needed break from getting burned twice a year by Panthers WR Steve Smith, and Atlanta 4 picks out of the first 40 selections in this year’s draft. So why could this mean a win win for the Cowboys and Raiders???

Oakland has this year’s #4 pick. Picking ahead of them are Miami, St. Louis, and Atlanta. The Cowboys have two 1st round picks this year, thanks to Cleveland giving them this year’s #1 pick so the Browns could trade for the new rainbow warrior, Brady Quinn.  Jerry Jones has stated that he wants some wow on Dallas’  offense this year. Jerry Jones should be on the phone with Raiders owner Al Davis now and offer both picks to the Raiders for the #4 overall pick. The Cowboys could then be in great position to take Darren McFadden. Jones would be happy to have an exciting fellow Razorback on his team, and the combination of Marion Barber and McFadden in the backfield would give the Cowboys that “wow” that Jones covets, and would instantly generate more of a buzz than the Cowboys already possess.

As for the Raiders, they would have 2 picks in the opening round, and since the picks would be lower than #4, they would not have to pay those selections as much money as if they kept the pick. They could then use those picks as trade bait, or use both to fill in holes on the offensive line, backfield, or linebacker.

Wait a minute, these are the Oakland Raiders we are talking about. Doing things that make sense are not what this franchise are about. Al Davis is as unpredictable as they come. They have a coach that really doesn’t wanna be there and is waiting to be fired, but Davis won’t because he would have to pay him a nice lump sum of money. Lane Kiffin wouldn’t even wear anything with the team logo on it at the Senior Bowl. Davis sues everyone that he can to prove his point. He has sued the league (and won), sued cities, and even sued the Tampa Bay Bucs a few years ago for copyright infringement (which the case was tossed out). Davis is 100 years old and looks every bit like Capt. Jack Sparrow after 90 years of hard sailing on the seven seas. Their fan base of bikers, dope heads, and Darth Vader fans are just as dysfunctional as the franchise is, and no one cares. Any Raider home game could also be substituted for the pep rally in the upcoming film “Doomsday”.

Maybe if Jones threw in a lifetime supply of white and black tracksuits and a rest of his life supply of Denny’s Grand Slam Breakfasts, then Davis would make the deal……………

Stay classy, Raider fan!!!

Posted in Arkansas, Arkansas Razorbacks, Arthur Blank, Asphyxiation, Atlanta Falcons, Bill Callahan, Brady Quinn, College Football, Crazy Women, Crime & Punishment, DUI, Dallas Cowboys, Discipline, ESPN, Evil Empire, Jerry Jones, NFL, NFL Football, alcoholics, armed robbery, ass chewing, bongs, boo birds, cat killer, cheaters, classless, crazy, draft pick, drugs, dumbass | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

Mutant Freak of Arkansas Sinks Shot to Beat the Vols

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on March 15, 2008

In what might be the best game so far in tournament at least it was the most entertaining. The seven foot freak Steven Hill who looks like a cross between Bill Walton and the lead singer of the Goo Goo Dolls and the psycho killer from “No Country For Old Men” sinks the shot that ends the SEC tournament run of the Vols of Tennessee.

Arkansas led by their coach Danny Bonaduce John Pelphrey came to play today. I’m honestly glad Tennessee lost now they can put their focus on the bigger prize. Congrats to Arkansas good game, but I will say this Patrick Beverley is like crack head skinny.

In case you haven’t heard the Tigers of Clemson beat Duke today. I hate Duke I hope Clemson wins it all.

Steven Hill 20 years from now

Just for fun the Arkansas coach.

Posted in Arkansas Razorbacks, SEC Basketball, Tennessee Volunteers | Tagged: , , | 2 Comments »

YMSWWC’s “Official” NFL Draft Preview Picks 1-5

Posted by Joel on February 12, 2008

Well I am a little bit depressed because the TV will be polluted with coverage of Roger Clemens v. Brian MacNamee. How many times can one hear a variation of “It Wasn’t Me???” Examples: “I didn’t use steroids. Period.” “I did not have sexual relations with woman, Ms. Lewinsky.” “I didn’t kill my wife and her friend.” “I didn’t try to make it rain in the strip club.” “I am not a crook.” So with that said, let us instead focus on the future, where we can hope that this top rated prospect becomes either the next Dan Fouts or the next Tony Mandarich. This year, I think we might have both. Here are the official (unless Thomas says different) YMSWWC NFL Mock Draft Picks (1-5)

ani_mermaid2.gif Miami Dolphins: These heartbreakers have the distinct pleasure of picking first. Yes the needs are many. There is not a position on the field that they do not need any immediate help. Outside of Jason Taylor, you can pretty much trash the roster. In comes Bill Parcells. He will bring organization to a franchise that still is trying to recover from “Saban Nation”. I have heard that a certain billionaire wildcatter who is an Arkansas alum may be trying to trade up with a certain coach turned GM that used to sign that GM’s checks, and that would make sense. Dolphins could use 2 first round picks, but I don’t see that happening. With that said, they will take long hard look at Glenn Dorsey, Jake Long, and Chris Long. So the pick will be: Glenn Dorsey, DT, LSU.

a_sosheep_0205.jpgSt. Louis Rams-Yet another team that went through a hard season. These aren’t your 1999-2002 Rams anymore. They are more like the 1989-1998 Rams. Age, injuries, bad free agent signings have turned these rams into sheep (Quick Longhorn/Aggie joke: How do you know when you are getting close to AggieLand? When you start seeing the sheep back up to the fence). Defense is more of a need than offense at this point. Pick: Chris Long, DE, Virginia.

images.jpeg Atlanta Falcons-Wow. Holy weed smoking, dog fighting, carpet bagging, GM and Coach rejection Batman. What in the world is going on in the ATL??? Well this is actually an easy pick, just because they have one big black hole where the QB spot is (not the black hole that is being pounded in Leavenworth). I think this will be a bad pick, but somebody’s gotta overpay for an All-American QB, so it might as well be Arthur Blank. Pick: Matt Ryan (Leaf), QB, Boston College

soul-hc-c.jpg Kansas City Chiefs-Offensive Line, Offensive Line, Offensive Line. Yes, they need a QB and another WR, but what good is all of that if you have a revolving door for an offensive line??? It’s hard to think that the O-Line was just a few years ago spectacular. Even though I love Ryan Clady from Boise St., that makes too much sense, and the overlord team President known as Carl Petersen doesn’t make decisions that make sense. So: Jake Long, OT, Michigan

chibi-jack-sparrow-by-evilchibiminion.jpg Oakland Raiders-These are some of the most dedicated fans that I have seen, and yet, some of the scariest. I had a couple of friends that went to Whatevertheycallit Coliseum to see Oakland and the Titans play. They figured a nice trip to the Bay Area would be great. Let’s just say that it wasn’t a good trip. One word of advice: If making the trip to see a Raiders game, do NOT wear the other team’s colors unless your name is Kimbo Slice or you love the aroma of beer, weed, and middle aged biker chicks. Of course, this is Uncle Al’s team, and he LOVES offense. Guess who this pick will be??? Darren McFadden, RB, Arkansas

Picks 6-10 will be coming soon…

Posted in ACC, ACC Football, Alabama, Alabama Crimson Tide, Arkansas, Arkansas Razorbacks, Arthur Blank, Atlanta Falcons, BCS, Big 12, Big East, Big Twelve Football, Bobby Petrino, Boise State, College Football, Crazy Women, Crime & Punishment, Dallas Cowboys, Discipline, ESPN, Feds, Football Poll, Georgia, Goodell, Hip Hop, Internet Rumors, Jerry Jones, LSU Tigers, Marijuana, Michael Vick, Michigan, Michigan Wolverines, NCAA, NFL, NFL Football, Nick Saban, OJ, OJ Simpson, Pac 10, Pacman, Pacman Jones, Po Po, Police, Prison for Vick, Ricky Williams, SEC, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, SEC Speed, Scams, Sports, The Big East, Vick, Vick Plea, Virginia Cavaliers, aggies, bad calls, bad newz kennels, big 10, big ten, big ten football, bongs, boo birds, boosters, boston college, cheaters, conVick, court tv, crazy, dog fighting, draft pick, drugs, dumbass, fired, football, gambling, ho, killer, legal troubles, mary jane, miami dolphins, michael vick pleads guilty, notre dame sucks, pitbull, pot, satire, scandal, secrets, steroids, stupid | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Breaking Down the Tennessee Volunteers 08 Recruiting Class

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on February 7, 2008

Well signing day has come and gone and of course pessimistic Volunteer fans aren’t happy with this years class. One thing they seem to forget is Tennessee was only going to sign a small number of players this year due to the large numbers they signed last year. Not to mention that fact Tennessee isn’t really losing many players.

I’m here to breakdown this years class and predict their future as it relates to Tennessee football. Then the pessimists shall be silenced.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in All SEC Teams Beware!!, Arkansas Razorbacks, Auburn, Bama Sucks, Clemson Tigers, Coker, Crime & Punishment, Florida Gators, Florida State Seminoles, Fulmer, Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets, Go Vols, LSU Tigers, Miami hurricanes, North Carolina Tarheels, Phillip Fulmer, Rocky Top, SEC Football, South Carolina Gamecocks, Tennessee Volunteers, USC, UT vols, Vanderbilt, fire philip fulmer, fulmer sucks, mississippi state bulldogs, ole miss rebels | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 13 Comments »