There was once a man named Bobby, who was excited about the upcoming Tide football season, but was a little concerned because the team still had the pagan Shula’s recruits left. Bobby would putter along like any other member of the Saban Nation, spending his days stockpiling Scott Toilet Tissue whenever Walgreens had a sale on it, and kissing the altar of his holiness The Bear. Tuscaloosa wasn’t heaven, however Bobby felt as though it was heaven on earth.

He would remember his days as a youth as Bear brought in the best of the best to maintain the team’s rightful dominance in college football. His heart was very joyful when Stallings won another championship and the cash flowed throughout the town of Tuscaloosa, both around the team and at the local t-shirt shop. He even remembers seeing the prophet Logan Young on the sidelines, credit card in hand, to provide the players with the finest liquor, drugs, strippers, whatever was needed for the good of the Tide Nation, and Bear looked down from heaven and was proud.

However, Bobby’s faith has been a little shaken. The Tide has been a punchline lately, and the program has not won a championship in what seems like years. Even with the arrival of St. Nick the Magnificent, the Tide still cannot vanquish the in state goat lover’s to the south or the nutria in Louisiana. The only bright spot has been the annual trips to Shreveport to enjoy whatever there is to do in Shreveport.

Bobby was now down and out. His childhood memories of ‘Bama glory has now been replaced with images of Dee Snyder looking strippers hugged up with Coach Price, Shula’s gold chains, stolen textbooks, and losing 6 straight to Tuberville. There just hasn’t been enough Golden Flake chips in the world to bring the good memories back. One day, during the 7th inning stretch of the Montgomery Biscuits baseball game (the only team winning championships in the state these days), he had a vision after visiting his friend John at the Biscuits souvenir stand. His faith in the Tide would be restored, because St. Nick the Magnificent has just appeared in front of him. He then told Bobby:

“Verily I say unto you, my child, that thy faith has been shaken. Why??? Be mindful of your thoughts, your feelings about the Crimson Tide have betrayed you. I have wined and dined with kings and queens, and I beseech you, my child, to have faith. Have you forgotten that I am a direct descendant of Bear himself??? Did you not remember that I vanquished the mighty Vols by my mastery and cunning alone??? I have unlimited resource$ at my disposal. Remember when Julio Jones put on that crimson hat on signing day??? Why have you lost your faith???

Bobby replied “My Prophet!!! You are not short like all the liberal left wing nut job papers report that you are. And your hair is so perfect and has a silky sheen to it. Do you use Prell???” To which St. Nick the Magnificent replied:

“You mean to tell me that is the response that I get??? Typical. How can these people afford to pay me $4 million per year with such dumb ass responses??? Oh well, West Virginia will be open in a couple of years. Listen son, have faith in me. I am great. I have put downtrodden programs back on the map and have a national championship to my credit. The problem is that right now we are still trying to weed out Gold Chain Shula’s players that he recruited. In a few years, we will be competing for that SEC West crown in no time.”

Bobby was now feeling much better. His faith had been just about restored, but he had to ask the following: “What about Auburn???

“For there is a great eagle to the south that soars high and wide over the stars that fell over Alabama. The eagle has posed little to no threat to life as we speak until recently. But verily I say unto you, Bobby, ye of the “fine” public educational system in Alabama, that we shall vanquish that eagle and the Tide will roll once again. Fear not, my child, for lo, I will be with you always (until my next fat paycheck). Continue to drink out of the Biscuits souvenir cup that has just touched the hem of my garment and you shall be transported to a happier time.”

It was then that Bobby woke up, pissy drunk in Montgomery County jail on charges of public intoxication after consuming 64 oz. of moonshine at a Southern League baseball game. It seemed that his friend John was an Auburn alum and alerted the police of his drunkenness…

Alabama sent 10 but 0 were drafted. Draft rating; FAILURE

Arkansas sent 11, six those players were drafted, 2 of the six in the 1st round.

Auburn sent 11, five of those players were drafted starting in the second round.

Florida sent 7, two of those players were drafted, 1 of the two in the first round.

Georgia sent 13, four of those players were drafted starting in the fifth round.

Kentucky sent 7, four of those players were drafted starting in the fourth round.

LSU sent 11, seven of those players were drafted including the fifth overall pick.

Ole Miss sent 5, zero were taken.

Mississippi State sent 3, zero were taken.

South Carolina sent 4, one of those players were drafted.

Tennessee sent 8, three of those players were drafted including the tenth pick overall.

Vanderbilt sent 8, three of those players were drafted. 1 in the first round.

Side note. Tennessee should be the new linebacker U. Since 1999, Tennessee has had more linebackers selected in the NFL draft than any of the 10 schools with the most players picked since 1996. Penn State, meanwhile, has produced five. Only Miami (4), Ohio State (3) and Florida State (2) have produced more first-rounders over the same period. On Saturday Jerod Mayo became the 11th Tennessee linebacker selected since 1999.

This is how Bama did in the draft.

Alana Colette Connell is one sexy lady. And don’t you dipshits forget it. You clandestine sissy boys made fun of her last year kissing Nick Saban and getting arrested for DUI immediately afterwards. You fans of other schools are just jealous that a woman would take off of her job at Dollar General to attend a pep rally for the new coach. You wish you had fans as dedicated to the Capstone as Ms. Connell. She’s a Cougar.

Now that’s a fan. So what she had a few drinks too many? The cop that arrested her was a Barner. Those numbnuts from the Barn are just sooooooooooooooo jealous of our 12 prizes and the Paul “Bear” Bryant Museum. Remind me again who the fuck Pat Dye was? That’s right animal lovers, he ain’t even Bill Curry. Leave our George Dickel drinking cougar alone.

Oh, and to show you some more talent from Tuscaloosa, not that these jackasses on this site know what beauty is, here you go:

Roll Tide Roll Bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well signing day has come and gone and of course pessimistic Volunteer fans aren’t happy with this years class. One thing they seem to forget is Tennessee was only going to sign a small number of players this year due to the large numbers they signed last year. Not to mention that fact Tennessee isn’t really losing many players.

I’m here to breakdown this years class and predict their future as it relates to Tennessee football. Then the pessimists shall be silenced.

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Now this is a present. This game is basically a Monopoly, but instead of “Go To Jail”, you try to break out of jail and/or get parole. This is a description of the game from the official website:

Fight your way through 6 different exciting locations in hopes of being granted parole. Escape prison riots in The Yard, slip glass into a mob boss’ lasagna in the Cafeteria, steal painkillers from the nurse’s desk in the Infirmary, avoid being cornered by the Aryans in the Shower Room, fight off Latin Kings in Gang War, and try not to smoke your entire stash in The Hole.

The artistry of each handcrafted piece is matched with comparable humor & intelligence on every card. Stack your smokes, sharpen your shank, and get ready for an experience that only someone on the outside could appreciate.

Wow. What more can be said. Check out the game pieces. Who among us played Monopoly as a kid and thought “Wouldn’t it be cool if instead of a thimble I could use a Glock as my game piece???”

What’s the sports connection??? Well let’s see: The founder of the company and game is John Sebelius, son of Kansas Gov. Kathleen Sebelius. Kansas is where America’s “favorite” marijuana smuggling (and smoking), lawsuit avoiding, Valtrex popping, inaccurate throwing, dog killing QB Michael Vick is currently doing his time. But let’s think of the endless possibilities..

How about a “Playmakers” Edition featuring O.J., his white Bronco, memorabilia, copy of “If I Did It”, and a Naked Gun DVD for playing pieces???

Or a “Ballers” Edition, with Kobe attached to a blonde female hotel clerk, Roy Tarpley, transcripts of Tim Donaghy’s gambling probe, Jack Sikma’s perm, and WNBA TV Ratings???

Lastly, what about a “Juiced” version, with Jose Canseco, Barry Bonds, Marion Jones, a syringe, and a torn record book???

If they market this game right, it could be a gold mine. Of course, someone needs to mail some of these games to all SEC schools, so they can play as part of the “Super Secret Double Probation”…

In 2004 the University of Auburn was clearly screwed out of a shot for the national championship. Jason Campbell who is now the starting quarterback for the Washington Redskins was the quarterback. Well, now that Jason has moved on to bigger and better things, that special season just isn’t that special anymore. He’s selling his “Peoples” National Championship ring on E-bay, that or Tommy Tuberville is hard up for money.

This sell apparently isn’t the same as the disgruntled C.J. Leak sell of his SEC Champions ring sell. This seller claims this is the only white gold version of the ring and the cubic zirconias look like diamonds. Aren’t cubic zirconias supposed to look like diamonds anyway? Wait, you mean this cheap ring doesn’t have real diamonds? Good Lord Man, it’s only 10 karats at that.

It bears the number 17 and bears the name of Jason Campbell. So if you know any Jason Campbells make them adore the number 17 and purchase this piece of crap truly unique piece of Auburn history for them.

The ring has a 100% money back guarantee and come with a certificate of authenticity and appraisal from a major championship ring dealer. (Like there’s such a thing)

This I proclaim on 1/15/08.

TtT

I originally posted this on 10/29/07. I received a lot of nasty e-mails from Kentucky basketball fans who are the equivalent to Alabama football fans. Now after an embarrassing four game skid maybe CBS will wake up. Then again watching Kentucky lose is rather entertaining. (Snicker Gardner Webb)

CBS or as I like to call it See BS, is the most watch network on Television. They have such riveting shows such as CSI (insert city name here), The Amazing Race & Survivor. While I detest all these shows it should be noted I detest most non-sports television with the exception of Hell’s Kitchen because Chef Ramsey rocks.

Being the sports programming president must a stressful job I’m sure, why else would they choose to air seven Kentucky games this season, which is at least four more times than any other SEC team and five more times than Tennessee.

If anyone should be upset about this, that someone should be Billy Donovan and his bad back. After all since Kentucky’s last trip to the final four, Florida has been to three final fours and captured back to back national titles as well. LSU has also been to a final four since the last time Kentucky has been there. Only Ashley Judd gives Kentucky more love than CBS and I would like to give something to Ashley Judd….but let’s stick to the topic.

This season, CBS is choosing to send crews to seven Kentucky games, three Florida games, two Tennessee games and one game each for Alabama, Auburn, Arkansas, Georgia, Mississippi State and Vanderbilt.

The Vanderbilt, Georgia and Arkansas appearances, as well as one Florida and one Tennessee appearance, come against - guess who? - uh huh that’s right Kentucky.

If memories earned you TV dates, more people would remember Florida’s national championships than Kentucky’s. If expectations sent the networks scrambling to video your bandwagon, Tennessee is the only SEC team that’s a consensus pre-season top-10 pick. Trouble is, Kentucky has another edge this season, a new UK coach and that means a renewed enthusiasm for Kentucky basketball.

What do you do? Pearl’s already done it.

You take off your shirt and paint your chest. You open your mouth and pour out your heart. You put out a must-see product that’s more than ready for its close-up, and then you call out the network that prefers to live in the past much like the Alabama fans. Pearl should just keep sweating and screaming and coaching his shirt off. If he does his job, CBS will have to add two more Tennessee games.

So go ahead CBS, air more Kentucky games, ESPN will pick up the others like they have in the past. Somewhere down the road, in between the making of the new show CSI Narnia & David Letterman’s top ten list of why CBS Sports sucks, a network official will start to wonder why viewers aren’t watching as much basketball on CBS as they are on ESPN. Maybe then they’ll get a clue.

GO VOLS!!!!!

So I profess on this day 12/20/07.

Well, the looooooooooooong wait for a head coach for the University of Arkansas has ended…with Bobby Petrino. Don’t worry about his job with the Falcons, because he quit that…

This guy’s resume is filled with more short stays than skanks hanging at the Four Seasons for a celebrity sighting. He finally got a head coaching gig at Louisville, taking over for the funny yet incompetent John L. Smith, in 2003. Louisville was on the verge of greatness, and with Petrino, took the team to the Orange Bowl last year. Soon after that, he was playing footsies with Arthur Blank on a 5 year, $24.5 million a year contract. Somehow, I don’t think all the Quick-Crete he wanted was included in compensation.

Now, he is taking some more billionaire Walton money, as he is now gonna coach at Arkansas. If I were a Razorback fan, I would be nervous and pissed at the yahoos that made this job so unattractive. Let’s start off with nervousness. Petrino and zealous Auburn boosters and the school president tried to cut a midnight deal just 2 days before the “Iron Bowl”. Keep in mind that Auburn coach Tommy Tuberville was still employed at head football coach. Petrino has also talked to LSU and God only knows who else while employed at Louisville, all in the hopes of getting more dollar dollar bills y’all. Like puppets on a string, Louisville said “yes sir” and gave it to him…EVERY TIME!!! Of course, he still left. I would also be nervous because he left the Falcons because he couldn’t take a little losing and didn’t feel the need to rebuild, which you guessed, Arkansas very well may have to do with McFadden, Jones, and Monk possibly leaving for the NFL.

I would also be mad at the yahoo nut jobs that ran off Houston Nutt and made the Arkansas job highly unattractive. I know that every coach and anyone else in the public eye will face scrutiny, but the way they put Nutt’s business out in the open and on front street, made it almost Britney Spears like for him and his family. It was so bad that he left Arkansas, his home state and dream coaching job, for Ole Miss. That’s bad…

A carpetbagger originally was a Northerner who moved to the South during Reconstruction (Petrino is from Montana). The term was meant to be derogatory, meaning someone who exploits until all resources are used up, then moves on (see coaching resume). Arkansas, I hope that you enjoy your carpetbagger, because he won’t be there long…

Fresh off the presses and in time to call your bookie, here are mine and Joel’s bowl picks.

• POINSETTIA BOWL San Diego
  Dec. 20, 9 p.m. (ESPN) Utah (8-4) vs. Navy (8-4)
• Joel: Navy-Always gotta pick a Service Academy out of respect
• Me: Navy-Because they beat Notre Dame, UCLA can’t say that

• NEW ORLEANS BOWL New Orleans
  Dec. 21, 8 p.m. (ESPN2) Florida Atlantic (7-5) vs. Memphis (7-5)
• Joel: Memphis-Total homer pick
• Me: Florida-Atlantic because I hate Tommy West

• PAPAJOHNS.COM BOWL Birmingham, Ala.
• Dec. 22, 1 p.m. (ESPN2) Cincinnati (9-3) vs. Southern Miss (7-5)
• Joel: Cincinnati-Brett Favre ain’t walking through that door for Southern Miss
• Me: Cincinnati -One of the Big Least teams has to win

• NEW MEXICO BOWL Albuquerque, N.M.
  Dec. 22, 4:30 p.m. (ESPN) New Mexico (8-4) vs. Nevada (6-6)
• Joel: New Mexico-I got nothing for New Mexico
• Me: Honestly I could care less who ever Jol picked

• LAS VEGAS BOWL Las Vegas
  Dec. 22, 8 p.m. (ESPN) BYU (10-2) vs. UCLA (6-6)
• Joel: BYU-The Fightin’ Polygamists
• Me: BYU- UCLA has no coach and Big Love is a good show

• HAWAII BOWL Honolulu, Hawaii
  Dec. 23, 8 p.m. (ESPN) East Carolina (7-5) vs. Boise State (10-2)
• Joel: Boise St.-Please not another cheerleader proposal
• Me: East Carolina-Why?Who the hell knows

• MOTOR CITY Detroit
  Dec. 26, 7:30 p.m. (ESPN) Central Michigan (8-5) vs. Purdue (7-5)
• Joel: Central Michigan-Why is Joe Tiller still a coach???
• Me: Purdue-Because Joe Tiller is the God of mediocre coaches.

• HOLIDAY BOWL San Diego
  Dec. 27, 8 p.m. (ESPN) Arizona State (10-2) vs. Texas (9-3)
• Joel: Texas-Longhorns returns to their San Diego winter home & I get to hear them bitch about it. I should pick against them
• Me: Texas-ASU has shown me nothing and their coach is a douche.

• CHAMPS SPORTS BOWL Orlando, Fla.
  Dec. 28, 5 p.m. (ESPN) Boston College (10-3) vs. Michigan State (7-5)
• Joel: Boston College-The Spartans have broken my heart & bank account too many times over the years
• Me: BC-Michigan State sucks

• TEXAS BOWL Houston
  Dec. 28, 8 p.m. (NFL Network) TCU (7-5) vs. Houston (8-4)
• Joel: TCU-Houston has no coach because Art Briles took the death sentence…I mean Baylor job…
• Me: TCU-Coolest Mascot name “The Horny Toads”

• EMERALD BOWL San Francisco
  Dec. 28, 8:30 p.m. (ESPN) Maryland (6-6) vs. Oregon State (8-4)
• Joel: Oregon St.-Love the nickname “Beavers”, as in plural. Just keep the gay rams away
• Me: Maryland-Fattie Ralph always wins these types of games

• MEINEKE CAR CARE BOWL Charlotte, N.C.
  Dec. 29, 1 p.m. (ESPN) UConn (9-3) vs. Wake Forest (8-4)
• Joel: Wake Forest-In a battle of Dunkin Donuts (UConn) vs. Krispy Kremes (WF), gotta go with the Southern favorite
• Me: Wake Forest-because they’re playing a Big Least team

• LIBERTY BOWL Memphis, Tenn.
  Dec. 29, 4:30 p.m. (ESPN) Mississippi State (7-5) vs. UCF (10-3)
• Joel: Miss. St-More Cowbell
• Me: Miss State-Let the Crooming begin!

• ALAMO BOWL San Antonio
  Dec. 29, 8 p.m. (ESPN) Penn State (8-4) vs. Texas A&M (7-5)
• Joel: Penn St.-Does JoePa realize he is GREATLY overpaid???
• Me: Penn St.-Texas A&M’s newest coach is to busy being an assistant for a losing NFL team.

• INDEPENDENCE BOWL Shreveport, La.
• Dec. 30, 8 p.m. (ESPN) Colorado (6-6) vs. Alabama (6-6)
• Joel: Colorado-Alabama won’t be beaten by the Fightin Nutria of Louisiana-Monroe, but they can eat some in Shreveport. Nothin’ says luvin’ like nutria in the oven
• Me: This is bullshit!!! Joel & I had a rock, paper, scissors contest. The winner got to choose Colorado. He cheated so I’m forced to pick Alabama.

• ARMED FORCES BOWL Fort Worth, Texas
• Dec. 31, 12:30 p.m. (ESPN) Cal (6-6) vs. Air Force (9-3)
• Joel: Air Force-A motivated serviceman vs. an unmotivated hippie??? Gee, I wonder who to pick
• Me: Air Force-Because Cal seems to be the South Carolina of the PAC 10. (snicker)

• SUN BOWL El Paso, Texas
  Dec. 31, 2 p.m.(ESPN) USF (9-3) vs. Oregon (8-4)
• Joel: South Florida-Which team is worse right now???
• Me: Oregon-Ryan Leaf’s younger brother is playing well, making Ryan look less douche like.

• HUMANITARIAN BOWL Boise, Idaho
  Dec. 31, 2 p.m. (ESPN2) Fresno State (8-4) vs. Georgia Tech (7-5)
• Joel: Fresno St.-Love the Bulldogs coach Craig Stadler, I mean Paul Teutel, I mean Pat Hill. Has one man reminded you of so many???
• Me: Fresno St-The only conference that is as bad as the Big Least is the ACC. And GT is coach-less.

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Let me start off by saying this: Who would have thought that Mississippi State would be the model of coaching stability this year???

My friend Chris, diehard Razorback who lives in Fayetteville, called me this morning and said that one of the local news stations was reporting that Tommy Tuberville would be the next head coach at Arkansas. KNWA is reporting that “There is still a chance the situation can change but KNWA firmly believes the Auburn coach is close to an agreement.”

As I told Chris, Tuberville has a good thing going at Auburn. Sure, the facilities are not near the caliber of some SEC schools like Florida, Alabama, or Tennessee, but if it were me, I would not leave Auburn for Arkansas. Now I can understand if Tuberville still holds a personal grudge against boosters about the whole “Petrino to Auburn” thing while he was still the coach, but that school president is gone and that has not happened since. Of course, Chris used the famous Bear Bryant (he’s with Jesus you know) quote when he left Texas A&M to coach Alabama, “Mama called, and when Mama calls you gotta go home”.

Here’s my thing about anyone going to Arkansas: Remember what happened to Houston Nutt last summer??? Ever heard of the Freedom of Information Act??? Some of their fans have. For the most part, Razorback fans and Arkansans are nice and respectable people. But they sure have heard of FOIA’s, and some of them are not afraid to use them at the drop of a hat. If you use a state issued credit card to get 2 dozen Krispy Kremes for a coaches meeting, now you are unhealthy and need to go on a diet. If you make a call on a state issued cell phone to your local Jiffy Lube to ask how much an oil change is, now all of a sudden you’re not supporting the local cash cow by going to Wal-Mart to get your car serviced. If you drive your brand new state issued Chevy Suburban with OnStar to the local movie house to watch the IMax version of “The Nightmare Before Christmas”, now you practice witchcraft. Does anyone see how things can get twisted???

I still call b.s. on this for now, but then again, you just never know what will happen. It would be a good move for Arkansas, a bad move for Tuberville, and now throws Auburn’s name into those colleges who need a new coach.