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Archive for the ‘Bama’zoids’ Category

You damn Hawgs! You’ll never beat us!!

Posted by Billy Bob Bammer on July 31, 2008

Mrs Bammer love Arkansas love. Losers!

Good God almighty I’m tired. I just got back from cutting the kilos and getting ready for the grand opening of my own “Jimmy Johns” franchise. (wink wink) Now that things have settled down here I have time to celebrate the “Logan Young National Championship in Recruiting” and what the hell do I find out? Arkansas is attempting to steal the Fulmer Cup from us? rtr

Ernest Mitchell faces misdemeanor drug and gun charges after a traffic stop? What is this, the sixth player arrested this year, and the third in two months? I’ll admit it’s impressive but Bobby Petrino ain’t any Lord Saban!!! RTR!

However I am impressed with the Fayetteville police department. Mitchell was caught with a small-caliber gun, drug paraphernalia and what was believed to be a small amount of marijuana in his car.

Hey Mitchell come me I’ll hook your Hawg ass up!

Here is the kicker fellow Bammers, Mitchell wasn’t arrested but was given a citation for misdemeanor charges and allowed to leave. Why can’t the Po Po in this ghetto town be so kind?  If it was a Bama player the police would at least ask for a “donation” from the Tide legal fund. rtr

All told Mitchell faces charges of improper display of tags, possession of a controlled substance, possession of drug paraphernalia and simultaneous possession of drugs and a firearm. Improper tags? I never make Mrs. Bammer wear her tags of course she ain’t had her shots either. rtr

Well if you want to burn some ganja while cleaning your Glock, while driving that old truck, Arkansas is the place to be. They don’t call it The Land of Opportunity for nothing. I’ll be looking into opening some “Jimmy Johns” stores there soon. rtr

I’m sure Petrino sure is glad he left the Michael Vick circus in Atlanta for….Arkansas. I wonder what the over/under is in the category of “Hogs arrested” such that Petrino will up and leave in October? And the WalMartians are paying how much per annum for this? Can he guarantee a lose to Louisiana Lafayette? I didn’t think so!  RTR!

So I Arkansas credit for making a late rush for the runner-up spot in the Fulmer Cup. Very impressive. Only a few days to go till the tabulating is over with. But it would take a mega effort to overtake the Tide. RTR Bitches!!!

Posted in Alabama Crimson Tide, Arkansas Razorbacks, Bama Bangs, Bama Cheats, Bama'zoids, Bammers, Bobby Petrino, Crime & Punishment, Crimson Tide, Lord Saban, SEC, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, classless, dumbass | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Hells Yeah!!! The SEC rulez in this Top 20 poll as well!!!!

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on July 29, 2008

We all know the SEC generally dominates the football polls this year; well they also dominate the Princeton Review list of top party schools in the country!!!

Let’s break it down peeps.

1. University of Florida. Guns, sweet sticky icky weed & Tebow.

2. University of Mississippi. The Grove, the cheerleaders & Jerrell Powe

3. Penn State University. Joe Pa, a shitload of arrests and the Penn State Paranormal Research Society

4. West Virginia University. Deliverance, igniting couches & Rich Rodriguez

5. Ohio University. At least they can beat tOSU at something

6. Randolph-Macon College. Who the hell is this? Seriously

7. University of Georgia. Uga, the umpteen million personalities Herschel Walker & fans that paint their heads

8. University of Texas. Dope head/actor Matthew Mcconaughey, Bevo & Mac Brown

9. University of California-Santa Barbara. Mascot looks like a psychotic Hamburglar

10. Florida State University The Cowgirls, Bowden & wondering if he will ever retire.

11. University of New Hampshire. Like there is anything better to do there.

12. University of Iowa. Sex scandal, Haden Frye and still sucking at football

13. University of Colorado. Ralphie, Hawkins and see above

14. University of Indiana. Bobby Knight, text messaging fool Sampson & basketball season doesn’t look good next year

15. Tulane University. The green wave due to puke

16. University of Illinois. The Fighter Zookers enough said

17. Arizona State University. Ugly school colors, PAC 10 & Eckerson NCAA sanctions to follow

18. University of Tennessee. GO VOLS! Cumberland Ave. Rocky Top & Smokey!

19. University of Alabama. Cheaters, Dead Behr & Subpoenas

20. Loyola University. The French Quarter and attempting to out drink Tulane.

Posted in Alabama Crimson Tide, Arizona State Sundevils, Bama Bangs, Bama Cheats, Bama Sucks, Bama'zoids, Bammers, Colorado Buffalos, Fighting Illini, Florida Gators, Florida State Seminoles, Florida Sucks, Georgia Bulldogs, Jerrell Powe, Rocky Top, SEC, Texas Longhorns, Uga, WVU, West Virginia Mountaineers, Zooker, alcoholics, ole miss rebels | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

The Big Orange Roundtable Volume IV. The Subpoena Edition

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on July 29, 2008

The Battle Captain explains all. Click to enlarge for a better view. I also have the same watch!

This weeks Big Orange Roundtable is being hosted by Lawvol at Gate 21. He has made up some difficult questions. Keep checking here or at other Big Orange Roundtable members for links to everyone’s answers. Due to that BS subpoena I decided to break away from using the Big Orange Roundtable logo (for this week only) that Lawvol graciously created instead what you see is what you get. I can only hope the other members are cool with that.

1) Thus far we’ve made a number of predictions for the 2008 Vols. Now, let’s take the next step: What are your pre-season predictions for each of Tennessee’s regular season games this year (along with any explanations you feel are needed)

Date

Opponent

(Home Games in Bold)

Win or Loss

Prediction

1 Sept

UCLA

Win

The Vols will be wearing their Kevlar vests to deflect the bullets on the way to the stadium. UCLA has a first year coach with a lot of injuries. They simply can’t compete.

13 Sept

UAB

Win

This is the first home game this year. UAB has not a prayer.

20 Sept

Florida

Loss

Tebow and Herban are too much this year, but the game will be close.

27 Sept

Auburn

Loss First SEC road game for Mountain Messiah Crompton will not be a pretty site.

4 Oct

Northern Illinois

Win

Who the hell is this?

11 Oct

Georgia

Win

Only because of the curse that my best friend (huge Dawgs fan) put on Georgia last year still stands. Vols pull the upset.

18 Oct

Mississippi State

Win

The Vols have to much talent for Fulmer to get Croomed this year.

25 Oct

Alabama (Sucks)

Win

After the subpoena BS and last year. Screw Bama!

1 Nov

South Carolina

Loss

Carolina fans finally have their daily masturbation dreams fulfilled with a victory over my beloved Vols at Williams-Brice Jail Stadium

8 Nov

Wyoming (Homecoming)

Win

The men of Broke Back Mountain U. will not prevail. Plus it’s homecoming.

22 Nov

Vanderbilt

Win

Doesn’t have the talent to match up.

29 Nov

Kentucky

Win

The streak stays alive. KY is in rebuilding mode as well.

2) Gameday routines, we all have them. What are your gameday rituals, especially those that are completely irrational, grounded in baseless superstition, or otherwise defy explanation?

For home games I get up at 3:30 AM and slash the tires of my neighbors’ car since they are  Bama fans. If it’s a road game then I want good karma that day so I only scratch the fender of the car. Then I retire back to bed. Around 7:00 AM I get back up a sacrifice a live cow on the alter of Smokey. I have one of the immigrant kids clean up the mess.

Around 9:00 AM I go to Kroger to get junk food and head to buddy’s house. When commercials are on during “Gameday Live” we pick on the fatass Bama kid that lives next door. The first one to make him cry gets $10.00. I find that the constant reminding of the fact that he is an adopted test-tube baby that his mom won in an obese strip poker game and that his step dad loves all kids except him works wonders.

At 12:00 PM the games start and I just veg in front of the TV all day making rude and offensive comments to the refs when bad calls are made. And continue to pick on the fatass Bama kid next door when commercials are on. Thankfully Billy Bob Bammer really doesn’t like his stepson.

Whenever it’s halftime and I’m forced to view Lispy Lou Holtz I whip out the Voodoo doll I make of him using the bones of the South Carolina mascot Cocky when Lou was coaching there. I mean come on Lispy Losing Lou drove the price of chicken down to $2.89 per lbs. before he left. Did you think that chicken would survive?

Anyway using the magic I learned from some Black Sabbath worshiping stoners that work in the mail room of my employment. I grab the doll and yell “Shut the hell up Lou! I hate you and the floods that are caused from your spit!” over and over again until my buddy changes the channel. That’ll teach him to be a remote hog. The bastard.

Honestly, I have no game day rituals to speak of.

3) Crompton vs. Tebow? Discuss…

Tebow. As much as i hate to admit it. To be honest I haven’t seen the Mountain Messiah play enough to even answer that honestly but I’ve seen enough of Tebow.

4) Will the Vols manage to make it to the SEC Championship Game again this season — either outright, or through the backdoor? Why or why not?

No. Georgia or Florida will get there this year. We are using a new QB and a new OC. Plus those two teams are stacked. Next year though…:)

5) Of all the coaches in the SEC who do you currently consider to be the best? Why?

Tuberville. The man wins no matter what. Right now he owns Bama and Florida. In case you haven’t noticed he own Tennessee as well. He knows when to gamble and when not to gamble. He also takes great pains in the pre-game prep work on his opponents something that is becoming a lost art.

Those Big Orange Roundtable members that have answered the call so far are:

Posted in Bama Sucks, Bama'zoids, Bammers, Big Orange, Go Vols, SEC Football, Tennessee Volunteers, The Big Orange Roundtable | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

At 2:26 PM Today the Official One Year Anniversary Begins

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on July 27, 2008

Wow, one solid year of writing this crap for you peons sharing our thoughts on sports related subjects.

First & for most I would like to thank Joel and Ghetto Philosopher for being the men that they are first and contributing writers second. I would thank Billy Bob Bammer and Little Bear Cub but they’re Bama bastards.

I also thank the following blogs in no particular order for inspiration and for giving me laughs when I sometimes need it the most.

I also want to thank the following people/teams/morons & all around idiots for giving such great material.

  • Steve God Spurrier and the USC thugs
  • Florida Gaytors
  • Cheating Bammers
  • O.J. “Slasher” Simpson
  • Michael Vick
  • University of West Virginia
  • New York Yank’mees
  • Every athlete that has been arrested this past year
  • Roger Clemens
  • Mindy Mccready
  • Jerrell Powe
  • Danica Patrick
  • Adam Pacman Jones

But mostly I want to thank you the readers. Whether we have pissed you off or made you laugh thank you for stopping by. The writers and I look forward to another year of slamming your favorite team and/or sports personality.

Posted in Adam Jones, Alabama Crimson Tide, Bama Bangs, Bama Cheats, Bama Sucks, Bama'zoids, Bammers, Crazy Women, Crime & Punishment, Florida Gators, Jerrell Powe, Michael Vick, Ole Miss, Pacman Jones, Po Po, Roll Tide, Ron Mexico, SEC Football, South Carolina Gamecocks, Steve Spurrier, WTF, WVU, West Virginia Mountaineers, conVick, new york yankees, ole miss rebels, satire, white trash, yankees suck | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

The Big Orange Roundtable Vol I

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on July 8, 2008

Well, we can’t let our Bama brethren outdo us now, can we? Honestly, that’s not the reason for this roundtable. The reason is there are a whole lot of questions that need to be answered in the couple of months leading up to the season, and I would think that we orangish blogger experts would be just the ones to do it.

So, here’s the drill: Every week, a different UT blog will “host” the roundtable, coming up with five questions that he — and every other UT blog participating — will answer. When they answer, we will link them here. That way, the hungry Vols fan can read multiple points of view on the questions he craves.

At the end of the week, the host blog — this week, the fine fellows at The Third Saturday in Blogtober — will do a roundup, featuring two answers for each question from the participants. The blogs planning on participating are as follows: this site, The Third Saturday in Blogtober, Fulmer’s Belly, Gate 21, Rocky Top Talk, Loser With Socks, Moondog Sports, The Power T and the UT Vols Football Blog.

Please visit this week’s host, The Third Saturday in Blogtober for their answers and links to the other participating Vol blogs.

1.) How good/bad do you think Jonathan Crompton will be in his first year as a Tennessee starting quarterback and what makes you think that?

This has been a concern for me for quite sometime now. To his credit Crompton has waited for this day since he signed his letter of intent when realistically he could have transferred somewhere else.

Crompton was a Parade All-American at Tuscola High School. In 2003 and 2004 he was the named to the 3A All-State, All-Western and All-Mountain Athletic Teams, as well as being two time player of the year. In 2004 he threw for 2,423 yards and 17 touchdowns on his way to an invite to the U.S. Army All-American Bowl, where his performance earned him the “Army of One” award.

Crompton was a five star recruit on Scout.com and the third ranked Quarterback in the 2005 class behind Mark Sanchez and Ryan “I Now Play 1-AA Ball” Perrilloux. So it’s obvious he has real talent.

This question has many variables to consider like:

  • How will the new offensive coordinator Clawson mold him?
  • Will the receivers be better this year?
  • How much or less of the running game will be employed?

Crompton brings a certain athletic ability that Ainge did not. Such as running (and not prancing like Casey). Ainge had a tendency to throw the ball away when pressure was applied with Crompton he will at least try to turn nothing into something.

Overall I think Crompton will have a good year, but it is next year that will be the monster year for him.

2.) This question was posed on The Third Saturday in Blogtober site a few weeks ago by the Bama boys, and it brought some good discussion, so given UT’s rich history of scheduling home-and-homes with top-shelf BCS programs, what school would you most like for the Vols to play in the future and why?

I have two schools in mind the first one being Michigan. For all the history Tennessee has they have only played the Wolverines once and it was a Tennessee trouncing in the Citrus bowl a few years back. Both these schools have an impressive tradition of football it is a real shame they have only met once. My second choice is Texas and for pretty much the same reasons as Michigan minus the bowl game part of course. Plus they stole Chris Sims from us.

3.) A lot has been made of our lack of depth at defensive tackle. With Demonte Bolden, Dan Williams and Walter Fisher pretty solid, what other player do you think makes a big move toward becoming dependable?

This question was impossible for me to answer because my other two choices were taken. So I choose Stephsn Darville #68. Because he’s one number shy of having the “good number” and with a mug like that he has to be able to play.

4.) Neyland Stadium has undergone some wholesale external and internal renovations during the offseason, updating and improving the overall appearance. If you could change one thing about Neyland, what would it be?

The only thing I would change is the size. Oh yeah…make it the biggest in all of America.

5.) Different UT fans have different opinions on last season. Was it a success? Was it a failure? Why do you think so?

It was a failure. The only reason UT made it to the SEC championship game is due to a dead ball foul against South Carolina. If you remember, that penalty allowed UT to re-kick the field goal they just missed. To make matters worse the penalty was against Tennessee. So basically UT backed their way into the SEC championship game due to bad coaching. I know that sounds harsh but it’s true. And let’s not mention losing three games by a total of over 100 points in the regular season.

Posted in Bama Sucks, Bama'zoids, Bammers, Big Orange, Go Vols, SEC, SEC Football, Tennessee Volunteers, The Big Orange Roundtable, cromptonites | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

The Tide is High

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on June 25, 2008

Little Saint Nicky is having a bad off-season at Alabama.

In February Saban said:

“I’ve said enough is enough and we’re trying to fix it.”

Now with the arrests totaling ten Saban might be heard saying:

“Those dang Shula recruits ruining my regime. The Saban Regime shall have no other coke heads or players packing heat. Hey secretary, call Mal Moore and tell him to get Shula in here, I am going to kick his little gravy training ass back to his Pa. I’m going to Dick’s to buy some more straw hats. Mal you little weasel, I want another million to put up with this crap.”

The reason? Just a little coke dealer on the team that’s all. Ken Stabler might have a new roommate in rehab.

And they say it never snows in Alabama.

Jimmy Johns (not the sandwich franchise) a linebacker, was arrested Tuesday in Tuscaloosa and charged with five felony counts of distributing cocaine.

To add insult to injury a sixth charge of possession was also tacked on after police officers searched his off-campus residence and found cocaine and Ecstasy pills.

Saban knowing a super secret double probation punishment wouldn’t cut it this time, kicked JJ off the team.

“This type of behavior obviously will not be tolerated, and he is no longer a part of our program,” Saban said in a statement.

Capt. Jeff Snyder, who heads up the West Alabama Narcotics Task Force, said the Po Po received information about two months ago that Johns was involved in the selling of drugs.

“Once we were able to get our investigation in place, we were able to buy from him five different times over the last week and a half and were then able to obtain a search warrant for his residence,” Snyder said. “He was popular. A lot of people knew him.”

Records did not indicate whether Johns had hired a lawyer. He was held at the metro jail with bond set at $120,000.

I’m no Johnnie Cochran, especially since I am not dead or in hell, but it looks like Mr. Johns is in some major trouble. Certainly more trouble than normal players who had the various drinking charges a few months back. $120,000 bond, it’d take Saban a couple of hours to earn that kind of money with his contract.

Saban+Alabama+3 years=Sanctions.

You stay classy Bama! I’d be doing drugs to if I lost to Louisiana Monroe!

To bad this police officer wasn’t the one investigating the matter…maybe JJ would still be on the team.

Posted in Alabama Crimson Tide, Bama Sucks, Bama'zoids, Bammers, Crime & Punishment, Crimson Tide, Louisiana Monroe, Nick Saban, Roll Tide, SEC Football, cheaters, cocaine | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments »

Point/Counter Point Ken Stabler

Posted by Little Bear Cub on June 10, 2008

Former NFL star quarterback Ken Stabler was arrested and charged with reckless driving and driving under the influence of alcohol for the third freaking time.

Stabler, now a radio analyst for University of Alabama football, was released from jail on $1,000 bond nearly 13 hours after his arrest, police said Monday.

To bring a riveting point/counter point here is Billy Bob Bama & Thomas the Terrible

BBB’s Point: Stabler is the man! He can do whatever he wants. RTR!

TTT’s Counter Point: YEAH, You GO Kenny…Go kill someone because you got drunk and are too stupid to call a cab. You can do whatever you want!! Bama Cheats!

BBB’s Point: A lot of people love you, man, but you have to stop drinking and driving. RTR

TTT’s Counter Point: What a joke. Take this guys license away and never give it back. Does someone need to be killed first? Bama Cheats!

BBB’s Point: Doesn’t he have his Raiders Get Out Of Jail Free Card? RTR!

TTT’s Counter Point: He fits in the SEC quite well these days. Bama Cheats!

BBB’s Point: You dont have to stop drinking PACE YOURSELF. RTR

TTT’s Counter Point: Was he with Cedric Benson? Bama Cheats!

BBB’s Point: Kenny has never hurt anyone. RTR

TTT’s Counter Point: The Snake hasn’t lost his touch for mixing the heavy drink with fun. Of course, being a Crimson Tide broadcaster won’t help him much with the school which might put up with a drunken coach but not an inebriated announcer. Bama Cheats!

BBB’s Point: Snake, you’re better than that. No wonder he can’t find his way to the NFL HOF, which he needs to be in! RTR

TTT’s Counter Point: Now I know why they call him “snake”. He always slithers on his belly from the bar to his car. He knows how to play QB. Now, he will learn to play CATCHER in the state pen. And he thought he sacrificed his body on the football field. Bama Cheats!

BBB’s Point: I never knew he drank. It’s sad when your heroes disappoint you. RTR

TTT’s Counter Point: The Snake was a great quarterback, but apparently, he’s an idiot behind the wheel of a car. Bama Cheats!

BBB’s Point: Alcohol cuts across all racial, economic and gender lines. RTR

TTT’s Counter Point: Someone get this guy a beer!!! Bama Cheats!

Posted in Alabama Crimson Tide, Bama Sucks, Bama'zoids, Bear is Dead, Beat Bama, Crime & Punishment, DUI, Ken Stabler, SEC | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Yo!! Look T-Shirts! Ha!

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on May 13, 2008

Thank you Megan!!!

The Football Diet chronicles the miracles of Jesus Saban in a piece about the last night revival meeting.

Gate 21 examines the Cincinnati Bengals

The Blue Workhorse asks the question: Bruce Pearl: Savior or Destroyer?

Losers With Socks proves how ESPN deepthroats the tOSU failboats. Sweet ass photoshop

This site here is the best Notre Dame site ever!!!! :)

Gamecock fans this site should speak volumes to you.

Moondog hates the message Will Leitch sending!!!! Come to think of it…I just hate him.

Posted in Bama Sucks, Bama'zoids, Bammers, Bear is Dead, Beat Bama, Bruce Pearl, Cincinnati Bengals, ESPN, Notre Dame Fighting Irish, South Carolina Gamecocks, notre dame sucks | 5 Comments »

If E.T. was a Bama Fan

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on May 9, 2008

This would surely be the result. Props go to Tim J at work for the photo.

Logan Young Phone Home!!! God said the Behr just beat him in arm wrestling…again

Posted in Alabama Crimson Tide, Bama Bangs, Bama Sucks, Bama'zoids, Bammers, E.T., Logan Young, alcoholics | 2 Comments »

Tuberfield Is Coming

Posted by Joel on April 22, 2008

Posted in Alabama, Alabama Crimson Tide, All SEC Teams Beware!!, Ass Whipping, BCS, Bama Bangs, Bama Sucks, Bama'zoids, Bammers, Bear is Dead, Beat Bama, College Football, NCAA, SEC, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, Sports, War Eagle, alcoholics, boo birds, boosters | Tagged: , , , , , | 2 Comments »