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Archive for the ‘dumbass’ Category

A Blue Hen gets stabbed…by themselves….maybe…

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on July 13, 2009

The University of Delaware’s top wide receiver was arrested for a stabbing, except he might have been the one that was stabbed. Unless he wasn’t the stabber. It’s confusing. Let’s chase this vortex of confusion a little further. 

The Blue Hen’s best offensive player, Mark Duncan, might not be ready for the upcoming season due to getting stabbed and being charged with filing a false police report. Duncan was admitted to the hospital because of a stab wound on 05/30/09, and told the police he was attacked and victimized by some stranger while playing basketball. I’m sure things like this happen all the time in the state of Delaware so of course that version of the story is believable. 

Then something happened to his story and it changed. Duncan then said he knew his attacker however he refused to give him or her up to the local Po Po. I believe something was whispering in his mind’s eye: Stab wound? That’s nothing. Only bitches get stitches. 

A few days later the story changed again. In this version Duncan states he was out walking and four men jumped him. 

Newark (Del.) police issued a warrant this week “after determining that he’d switched his story too many times,” which goes to show that three times is the charm to go from hapless victim to lying football player with a hole in him. 

What still hasn’t been answered is: Who really stabbed Duncan? Did he stab himself as a way to get out of the state of Delaware a year early? Oh and he threw a ball at the cop in the National Championship game.

Posted in Delaware Blue Hens, Fulmer Cup, Little Bitch, Snitches, dumbass, stabbed | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Darren Daulton is baseball’s Keith Richards

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on July 1, 2009

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that Darren Daulton isn’t exactly a saint by any stretch of the imagination, and yes it’s possible he for took in some illegal drug taking during his fourteen years as a professional baseball player. However Daulton wants to set the record straight and let everyone know-he was absolutely high the majority of his year in the majors. 

Daulton appeared on the radio with Philly sports talk host Mike Missanelli, where the two discussed his current charity work, Schilling’s blogging expertise and the mess that Lenny Dykstra is in. The conversation naturally turned towards steroids which turned into drugs in general and that’s when Daulton let us know that he is baseball’s equivalent to Keith Richards. 

If I told you all the drugs that I’ve taken, Mike, you would open that up as a can of worms (laughing). I don’t feel that you or anyone else needs to know anything that I’ve ever done to respect me. No disrespect, that’s just the way I am. I feel if I told you all the drugs I’ve ever taken that would reflect on someone else. I can assure you, there’s probably no one in any sport that has taken more drugs that I have. And I think people still respect me. It’s not what goes in, it’s what comes out. 

Apparently Daulton is still doing these drugs of which he speaks if he thinks people still respect him. 

Actually, a funny part of the interview is when a fan calls in asking how the Phillies—2.5 games up on the rest of the NL East—can “turn it around.” Ah, the genius of sports radio. 

The photo is Daulton minus the mullet he wore for years proving that Rogaine is the one drug he will not take.                                       

Darren Daulton: “I Can Assure You There’s Probably No One In Any Sport That Has Taken More Drugs Than I Have.”[Sports Radio Interviews]

Posted in Darren Daulton, MLB, Major League Baseball, Mike Missanelli, Philadelphia Phillies, drugs, dumbass | Tagged: , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

This guy will make a great dad. *Sarcasm*

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on June 16, 2009

Here is the perfect story of father’s day 2009. It seems that Jonathan Weaver of Las Vegas recently had a problem but poorly chose the wrong way to correct it. 

Jonathan wanted to watch Game 3 of the NBA Finals Tuesday of last week but he had to baby-sit because his girlfriend selfishly had something to do like school. So while watching her two kids (ages 1 and 2) he started desperately needing sports. Just then he had a brilliant idea. He decided to tie up the kids in their car seats, bind their hands (so they wouldn’t mess with his tools, you know safety first), tie a rope around their necks, stuff a cloth in their mouths and leave them in the garage. I mean it isn’t his fault he couldn’t afford that cage at Petco. After that he went to PTs Pub and watch the game. Now since he isn’t 21 I’m sure how he was allowed in, however if the bar isn’t checking IDs anyway, why not just bring the kids with you? Not one, but two designated drivers. 

Jonathan’s reasoning for all this was nothing short of a Mensa member: 

Police said Weaver didn’t think leaving the children was a big deal “because they have had campouts inside” the garage. 

The mom wasn’t charged with attempted murder however she is currently preggers with this moron’s kid. 

All kidding aside, I get knots in my stomach when I think of what those poor kids had to endure. Oh, and I do hope the bound and gagged routine is allowed in prison. They love child abusers there.

Posted in Child Abuse, Los Angeles Lakers, NBA Finals, Orlando Magic, dumbass, white trash | Tagged: , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Citifield toilet attempts to eat a Mets fan

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on May 21, 2009

gold tooth

Ever notice how Mets fans think everyone is against them? In reality they are asking for it especially when one of them goes toilet diving after a gold tooth and gets stuck. At that point they all should be embarrassed.

Stadium security had to call a plumber to free a woman’s arm that had gotten stuck in a toilet at Citifield last week. Somehow someway she dropped her gold tooth in to the vile water and just had to get it back. Her arm was lodged in the low flow toilet as it flushed continuously over her. If she was a heroin junkie then she would have been able climb all the way in the toilet no problem.

“The woman did not recover her tooth, but was plenty relieved just to leave the bathroom. The Mets and Cardoza Plumbing declined to comment.

Some low-flow toilets use powerful vacuum suction to minimize the amount of water needed, but it’s unlikely that contributed to the woman’s hand being stuck, a Queens plumber said. “The truth is, this kind of thing happens all the time — usually with wedding rings or cellphones,” he said.

“People have probably been getting their hands stuck in toilets as long as there have been toilets.”

Is there any doubt she was attempting to retrieve the tooth to immediately try to put it back in place? Man, I hate when that happens. That’s why I always wait for a urinal or a sink to open up.

Posted in Gold Tooth, New York Mets, dumbass | Tagged: , , | 3 Comments »

The rise of King Kiffin on Twitter

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on May 21, 2009


Now that Lane Kiffin has proven that either he or his staff will use any kind of technology to get him and the school in trouble, I’ve taken drastic measures and I’ve taken his Twitter privileges away. From here on out if he feels the need to twitter then he has to go through me and I’ll post it under the name King Kiffin.

I’ve actually been doing this for a couple of weeks because his 140 Twitters are extremely boring. (Watching game film.) Mine will be funnier and there won’t be some dumb ass assistant writing them. Personally I would like to see Layla register for a Twitter account.

I keep expecting to see something like this on Lane’s ramblings:

Got up this morning, got caught violating NCAA rules again. Caught wife in bed with Bruce Pearl.

Or this:

LaneKiffinUT@BrucePearl: LOL I Kno! Why do they call us the Volunteers if we get paid, right? g2g, don’t tell Pat about my twitter account! ROTFL!

I picture Kiffin being wheeled away from Knoxville, strapped down to a hand truck, with a mask over his face to prevent him talking.

Somewhere in a dark chamber Al Davis is laughing maniacally. And as soon as someone finds him, changes his soiled britches, brings him back upstairs and tells him about this he’ll laugh even harder.

So if want to start follow King Kiffin on Twitter feel free to if all else fails it will at least be funnier than Ron Zook’s babblings.

Posted in King Kiffin, Lane Kiffin, Layla Kiffin, NCAA Rules Violation, Ron Zook, SEC Coaches, Tennessee Volunteers, Twitter, Zooker, dumbass | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Happy Birthday to me! Now can anyone shut Roger Clemens up?

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on May 13, 2009


Well today is my birthday and I have found something else to add to my b-day wish list of one redhead with super model qualities, after hearing that farce of an interview with Roger Clemens yesterday on the Mike and Mike show I also want a copy of “American Icon.” 

The authors of this book should send Clemens a fruit basket of something because of his poor performance during this interview sales of the of the book probably went up by 10%. Hell no one knew it was even coming out until this interview. 

This interview was predictably a PR move orchestrated by Team Clemens. The 20 minute interview with Clemen’s newest “crisis manager” Gene Grabowski that occurred before the Rocket came on the air more than proved that. Greenberg and Golic asked Grabowski, given all the evidence against Clemens, how he knows he’s telling the truth? 

“I looked him in the eye,” the Crisis Manager said. 

OK that’s it for me I believe him even though I’m sure he was paid six figures to say that. 

On McNamee: He “never injected me with HGH or steroids.” Why? “Common sense — “my family has a history of heart conditions.” Clemens notes that both his brother and stepdad had heart attacks and it would be “suicidal” for him to take any of these drugs. He also finds these allegations “dishearting” (sic). 

Yes we all know how medical conditions can jump from a step parent to step children. I think I learned that by watching “House” *Sarcasm* If heart attacks are contagious, then quickly, everyone flee Texas! 

On Andy Pettitte admitting that he was injected by McNamee and that he had a conversation with Clemens about HGH: Clemens reiterates: “Andy misremembers.” 

On Manny: Surprised because, as Roger’s stated before MLB has great testing: “We have great testing.” Did you know Roger Clemens passed all of his tests? No? You didn’t. WELL HE DID. Move on please. What? You say Manny passed all his tests as well? But did Manny ask the testing people come to his house and they went to his personal gym so he could show his son how “evasive”(sic) it was? Well Roger did “I think the program works!” 

On A-Rod: ”I hope none of the things he took do damage to his body and ruin his career.” 

“How do you defend against the negative?”: Lie! “Steroids are bad for these kids — but again, I can’t defend the negative, when you’ve got somebody out there who’s just crawling up your back to make a buck…” Mentions his charities, golfing, foundations, charities, fundraising, his foundations, charities, banquets, and all of the good he’s done for people since 1991, and “I know how tough it is raising money for charity these days…” and HOW COULD I TAKE STEROIDS WHEN I’M DOING ALL OF THIS FUCKING CHARITY WORK? I HAVE NO TIME FOR NEEDLES! (I’m paraphrasing there, by the way.)

Judging from the scientific poll that ESPN performed this interview did nothing to help Camp Rocket’s cause and is also proved that there really must be nothing to do in Maine and South Carolina. 

Expect to see that next week, ESPN will show nothing but the interview, ESPN2 will feature the interview in Spanish, ESPNU will have the interview with MST3K-style commentary and ESPNews will scroll the interview text over a blank background while playing Weather Channel music. 

A transcript of the interview can be found here.

Posted in A-Rod, Brian McNamee, Juiced, Liar, MLB, Roger Clemens, dumbass, steroids | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Oh yeah this was a fine pick for Dallas…

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on April 30, 2009

Behold David Beuhler, the place kicker from USC and 5th round draft selection of the Dallas Cowboys. Riding a mini horse just tells me he has a sense of humor. It is those velcro sneakers that let me know he’s retarded. Think his cleats will have laces? 

Your move, Gramatica brothers.

Posted in Dallas Cowboys, NFL, NFL Draft, NFL Football, dumbass | Tagged: , , , , | 1 Comment »

How come my little league coach wasn’t a drug trafficker?

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on April 24, 2009

If you have ever seen the movie The Bad News Bears then you know about the bail bondsmen, Chico’s Bail Bonds, who sponsored the little league team in the movie. Well, let’s all hope there is a generous bail bondsman in Alabama cause one little league coach there really needs one. 

When I played little league baseball for the Greer Dodgers (Hell yeah I made the all-star team) my coach certainly didn’t have a kilo of cocaine and an unregistered weapon on him that I could see, then again I didn’t grow up in Alabama either. 

Meet Marlon Wade, a little league coach of 11-12 year-olds in the Saraland Baseball Association. He has actually been coaching there for about 6 years. While one of his hobbies does include helping Alabama youth achieve little league greatness while developing their baseball talent, he also enjoys drug trafficking, sudoku, theft and assault. 

He was recently arrested while in possession of $24,000 worth of cocaine and an unregistered weapon and he has 22 prior arrests on charges of disorderly conduct, theft and assault. I really don’t want to know why he took his infielders to Columbia, and I really really don’t want to know how he got the cocaine into the country. 

Meanwhile the team parents are frantically calling around and leaving cryptic messages on their friends voicemails including phases like “the hookup” and “some shit” 

But hey he is a little league coach and that’s a good quality. I guess background checks are expensive. 

“It’s expensive to do them, but that’s not an excuse,” said Todd Edge, Commissioner for the Saraland Baseball Association. “We have 150 coaches in the baseball park. I talked to some independent agencies. It’s 40 dollars per coach to do a background check, so you’re talking about six thousand dollars. We don’t get city funding.” 

So I guess baseball commissioners at every level make ridiculous excuses for not checking for drug use. Get the kids (or their parents) to kick in $2 apiece as a coach background check fee. It’s pretty fucking simple, isn’t it?

Or your coaches could sell cocaine and pool the proceeds together for the background check. Hey, whatever works! 

The coach has been banned from coaching in the league, talk about a harsh punishment.

Posted in Alabama, Little League Baseball, cocaine, dumbass | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

Well…that was an awkward spring game Internet stream for Southern Miss

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on April 21, 2009

Radio station Rock 104 live-streamed the Southern Miss Golden Eagles spring game for fans this past Saturday and totally made it interesting by talking about redneck sex, burping and making racist comments. I know what you’re thinking: People care about Southern Miss football? Really? Yes, yes they do, not many but some.  

Every Day Should Be Saturday has the audio in which you can hear a strange conversation that includes classic lines such as:  ”What’s the weirdest thing you stuck yer dick in?” Oh…these two could go all the way to ESPN radio. I’m betting the phone lines lit up when they asked about banging fat chicks. 

Blakeney Communications, the company responsible for the stream, has already issued an apology: 

“Blakeney Communications, Inc. apologizes to the University of Southern Mississippi, ISP and Southern Miss Fans for a technical error which inadvertently resulted in a private conversation by Rock 104 employees being sent out over the internet instead of the internet web cast of the Southern Miss Spring Football Game. 

The employees were not aware that their conversation was accidentally being picked up by a live microphone and could be heard by Southern Miss fans who were trying to listen to the web cast of the game. The conversation was NOT broadcast on the radio. 

The employees deeply regret any offensive remarks which may have been made and wish to apologize to Southern Miss fans. They have been severely reprimanded by Blakeney Communications. The comments made do not represent the views or opinions of Rock 104 or Blakeney Communications, Inc. 

Blakeney Communications, Inc. would like for all Southern Miss Fans to know that the error was not the fault of ISP or the University of Southern Mississippi. Blakeney Communications, Inc. takes full responsibility for and deeply regrets the error. 

Larry Blakeney, President and CEO

Debbie Blakeney. General Manager” 

I love the line in the letter that states it was a “technical error” because technically, you should never put a microphone in front of a redneck and expect any different. 

In case you might be wondering, Black defeated Gold 18-15 but seriously what is the weirdest thing you stuck yer dick in?

Posted in ESPN, Rednecks, dumbass, southern miss | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

High school cheerleaders in a gay male strip club: I see Rupaul is working has a teacher now

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on April 20, 2009

So you’re a 47-year-old female teacher who could be facing a midlife crisis. You decided to take four students (three 18-year-olds and a 17-year-old) to a gay male strip club that serves alcohol and suddenly people are outraged. Doesn’t make sense does it? 

Lori Epperson has resigned from her teaching position at Edgewood High School in Trenton, near Dayton, Ohio, after taking four of her students to Club Masque, a strip club that features exotic male dancers and a drag show on Saturdays. Jay Cutler is familiar with the term “drag” and is saddened that Chicago is not closer to Ohio. 

Now the Po Po has been called and the club is in some legal hot water for serving alcohol to a minor. Suddenly the hot cheerleading coach that posed for Playboy looks more and more like a role model than ever before. 

The hilarious part of this story is Epperson’s daughter was one of the four, and she apparently had permission from the parents of the other three to take them to the club. After all these are gay men right… 

From WKYC: 

Butler Tech school district spokesman Bill Solazzo says 47-year-old Lori Epperson resigned Thursday. He said Epperson told Edgewood High School administrators that the students – all cheerleaders at the school north of Cincinnati in Trenton – asked her to take them to the bar in February. 

Epperson told school officials in an e-mail that she got permission from the parents of the 17- and 18-year-olds to bring them to Club Masque in Dayton.” 

Trenton has left New Jersey, folks.& all the world is in danger. 

This reminds of when my high school science teacher sent me looking for a “lot lizard” in exchange for a passing grade and somewhere Brady Quinn is quietly bemoaning the fact that he grew up on the other side of the state. 

Since this is Dayton we’re talking about, don’t be surprised if it turns out three of the drag dancers are actually hairy women pretending to be men.

Posted in Cheerleaders, Gay Pride, Police, Rupaul, dumbass | Tagged: , , , , | Leave a Comment »