Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

A Sports Blog on why ALL Teams Suck…Again!

Archive for the ‘NFL Football’ Category

R.I.P. #9

Posted by Joel on July 8, 2009


(pic of Gridiron9 courtesy of Melanie McGee-Pace)

It has been 3 days and I am still in shock. Though he died in, to say the least, odd circumstances, for a community, city, state, and fans scattered across the world, our QB has left us.

For years, Tennessee did not have a professional sports franchise to call our own. Yes the Vols were kings of Tennessee college football and the Tigers were the kings of Tennessee college basketball, but we watched as Jacksonville got our NFL team. We watched as Vancouver got our basketball team (ironic huh???) For years, we could only imagine the possibilities of seeing our team going to a Super Bowl. We could only dream of going to pro basketball games with our parents, and one day taking our own children to those same games.

Thanks to K.S. “Bud” Adams, our pro sports thirst was finally quenched (with all apologies to the Nashville Predators). The then-Oilers would build a home in Tennessee. For a couple of years, they were a rag tag group of football players, first by playing in Memphis and then in Vanderbilt Stadium in Nashville. But they were led by our QB, Steve McNair.

I remember when the Oilers would hold pep rallies on Beale St. in Memphis. Where as a lot of the players would look like they did not wanna be there, he made sure to lead the cheers. After those pep rallies, he made sure to sign as many autographs and take as many pics as he could. I had many opportunities to meet Steve McNair on many occasions, and on each one, he was always nice and smiling.

Later on, he would lead the team to Super Bowl XXXIV against the St. Louis Rams. We hung on every play. We knew we as Titans fans had a shot of winning the game in the 4th quarter because of our QB. We came up 1 yard short, which still eats away at our sports soul. But the thrill of being oh so close to glory almost makes up for not winning (almost).

We cheered when he won the MVP trophy. We cringed when Ray Lewis tackled him. We got pissed at Bud Adams & Floyd Reese for kicking him out of the door. We were glad to see him in the neighborhood after he retired. Through it all, he was our QB. He gave away free admissions to his football camps for needy kids. He gave shoes to high school football players who couldn’t afford them. He asked people to donate supplies during the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, and Middle Tennessee gave truckloads (he loaded the trucks). He opened a restaurant across the street from Tennessee State University when he could have opened it elsewhere. Most importantly, he did it selflessly and with a smile.

We don’t have the storied history of the Boston Red Sox, L.A. Lakers, New York Yankees, or Pittsburgh Steelers. He was our Ted Williams, our Kareem, our Joe DiMaggio, our Terry Bradshaw. Coach Jeff Fisher said it best:

“The Steve McNair that I knew was a great person. He helped put this organization on the map here in Tennessee, put it in our first Super Bowl. I will miss him, as you all will miss him. And I ask you to honor what he did on the field and in the community and he was a tremendous legacy. And that is his legacy and I am proud to have been a part of that.’’

Posted in NFL, NFL Football, Sports, Tennessee, Tennessee Titans, sports & stuff | 2 Comments »

Marvin Lewis will happily crush the dreams of a slacker kid

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on June 9, 2009

The Bengals might not be a super bowl contender but that doesn’t stop the head coach, Marvin Lewis, from crushing the dreams of stupid and slacker kids in Cincinnati. 

The Bengals have a program for elementary-aged students in Cincinnati where if a student makes an “A” honor roll for two periods they’re invited to the exclusive “Academic Achievement Party” held at Paul Brown Stadium. 

One can blame technology but I rather think that Coach Lewis enjoys crushing the dreams of kids. In a world where recorded phone messages are dialed out, Lewis’ pre-recorded message went out to about 20,000 elementary school students regardless if they could spell, read, write or addition. This is like when WVU accidentally admitted Chris Henry. 

Cheviot resident Melissa Miller’s 13-year-old daughter, Josie, hadn’t expected the invitation because she knew her grades didn’t quite stack up. But after hearing Lewis’s voice on the phone, 20 minutes of “jumping, high-fiving and texting all her friends” ensued. 

It was all for naught. 

“When you’re trying to encourage kids, it’s hard to take,” Miller said. 

The pre-recorded message was only supposed to go out to 2500 kids not 20,000. So Lewis did the only thing he could do: He recorded another apologetic message and rescinded the invite to the non-honor roll students. Lose-lose situation. Students were, naturally, distraught, learning at a young age what it’s like to be a Bengals fan. As a consolation, the troublemakers were invited to try out for the team.

Posted in Cincinnati Bengals, Crushed Dreams, Marvin Lewis, NFL Football, Slackers | Tagged: , , , , | Leave a Comment »

So you think you’re smarter than a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on May 29, 2009

In order to become a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader you to know how to dance, have a lot of enthusiasm and grace, have the ability to do high kicks and splits and have a bubbly personality. You should also look damn good skimpy dancewear. Oh yeah you better know a thing or two about the Middle East as well. 

Yes it’s that time of year again: Dallas Cowboy cheerleader tryouts season. The ladies trying out will have to pass a personal interview, prove that they were a snobby prom queen and pass an 80 question written test that ranges from the history of the Cowboys to the countries that border Iraq. 

Here are some sample questions. Some I might have add some for comedy reasons you should be able to pick those out. 

1. Where will the Cowboys play their final home game this season? 

2. Where will the Cowboys hold their 2009 summer training camp? 

3. Name the Cowboys legend who served as head coach for the team’s first 29 years. 

4. What year was the Cowboys’ first season in the NFL? 

(A) 1960

(B) 1962

(C) 1964

(D) 1965 

5. How many stars are on the Cowboys Cheerleaders’ uniform? 

6. Who is commissioner of the National Football League? 

7. How many yards are in an NFL end zone? 

(A) 10

(B) 20

(C) 30

(D) 50 

8. Name one country that borders Iraq. 

9. How many blunts have Michael Irvin smoked?

(A) 0

(B) 10

(C) 80

(D) 500

(E) Enough to be a Hall of Famer.

10. If you get within range during your sideline activities, would you be willing to kill Tony Siragusa? 

11. Would you be willing to join a dance team member for a “party” with owner Jerry Jones? 

12. What is your name?

13. What is your favorite color?

14. What is the terminal velocity of a coconut laden sallow? 

15. What is the sound a doggie makes? 

The answers will be revealed on next week’s episode of “So you think you’re smarter than a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader.”

Posted in Cheerleaders, Dallas Cowboys, Jerry Jones, NFL Football | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

This doesn’t help Boston College’s academic standing

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on May 6, 2009

Me fail English? Who cares, I'm a millionaire!

Even though it turned out that B.J. Raji didn’t smoke the sweet sticky icky weed like Percy Harvin it turns out that the boy just can’t spell. Maybe he should lied and said he did smoke pot. At least that would explain why he misspelled his school’s war cry. 

Boston College fans need to head over to eBay to bid on this “authentic” scribbling, made by the former Boston College player and first round draft pick. Of course he didn’t actually sign his name but instead wrote “Sore Eagles” referring to his alma mater Boston College. Oh yeah he also spelled “Soar” incorrectly…oops… Maybe he was explaining how the team felt after a game. 

Dan Quayle is sympathetic. He is also a total idiot and to be fair, Florida State players can’t spell their war cry either.. Fortunately, spelling is not a pre-requisite for a career in letting 320lb offensive linemen sit on your head.

Posted in B.J. Raji, NFL Draft, NFL Football, boston college, eBay | Tagged: , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Oh yeah this was a fine pick for Dallas…

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on April 30, 2009

Behold David Beuhler, the place kicker from USC and 5th round draft selection of the Dallas Cowboys. Riding a mini horse just tells me he has a sense of humor. It is those velcro sneakers that let me know he’s retarded. Think his cleats will have laces? 

Your move, Gramatica brothers.

Posted in Dallas Cowboys, NFL, NFL Draft, NFL Football, dumbass | Tagged: , , , , | 1 Comment »

Aaron Curry is already a superstar in my eyes

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on April 17, 2009

Yes it’s time for a dreaded feel good post again. Wake Forest linebacker Aaron Curry who is projected to be a top 10 pick has decided to show the rest of us what truly is important in world and that is giving to others who have traveled a lot harder road that him, me or you have traveled. 

Bryson Merriweather of Madison, Ala., was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia in 2007, and after several rounds of chemotherapy at St. Jude Childrens Hospital, he thankfully is now in remission. Curry has invited Bryson to accompany him to the upcoming draft in New York. 

“We were acting like he was just taking me on a regular tour around the hospital,” Curry said. “Toward the end we ended up outside tossing each other a football and I just started talking about the draft. 

“He said he had seen it and I was telling him that I had been invited and if he would join me in this experience. So I said, ‘So come to New York with me and get drafted into the NFL.” 

For the record Bryson has been active in his own community by leading bone marrow drives and fundraisers for St. Jude. 

Statistics show that Bryson has a 30 to 40 percent chance of relapse and a cell mutation he has puts him in an even higher risk group. But the lanky Bryson is strong enough now to play sports again. He’s running track this spring and hopes to resume football this fall. 

“It’s just been a blessing to go through this whole experience. It renewed our faith,” said Bryson’s father, Ace Merriweather. “It also shows Bryson’s courage and will to fight through this. He didn’t ask for it, but he’s taken on the challenge. I know he’s going to have a long life ahead of him. 

“Maybe one day we’ll be at the draft inviting somebody.” 

I truly tip my hat to Curry and wish him well. I also pray that Detroit doesn’t draft him thus giving him to opportunity to become a NFL superstar. 

Andre Smith hopes to generate some sympathy and goodwill by introducing the world to his hypothyroidism.


Posted in Aaron Curry, Alabama Crimson Tide, Andre Smith, NFL Draft, NFL Football, Wake Forest | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Tony Romo = Eminem’s latest victim

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on April 8, 2009

Where have you gone Eminem? Detroit turns its' lonely eyes toward you.

You know when you’ve reached the pinnacle of failure when Eminem has you in his sights and that’s just where Tony Romo and Jessica “Cowboys Jinx” Simpson are at the present moment.

Fresh off his latest retirement, Eminem, has a new single called We Made You that should make Cowboy fans everywhere seeing Washington Redskin red. Is it me or has anyone else noticed that Eminem seems to retire and comeback more than Brett Favre?

In the video which can be seen here, Romo & Simpson lead off playing catch with a what appears to be a hamburger and dirty dances on the General Lee. The video also has appearances by Sarah Palin & Ellen DeGeneres. Not since David Lee Roth’s “Just a Gigolo” has such a sweeping cultural indictment been unleashed on a sleeping populace.

For some odd reason I can actually see Romo and Simpson dancing on the General Lee in real life, as for Eminem in a few more years and his transformation into Weird Al will be complete.

This isn’t that big of a deal. I mean, hasn’t 2 Live Crew’s “Face Down, Ass Up” been used as a de-facto anthem for the position that Cowboys fans have been in at the end of each season for the past 13 years?

Posted in Dallas Cowboys, Eminem, Jessica Simpson, NFL Football, Tony Romo, satire | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Hot links are the future for Vince Young

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on March 31, 2009

Some people didn’t believe me when I reported that Vince Young wanted to share his sausage with the world. Here is photo evidence and it’s important to note that Young has it right: When appearing on a package of hot link one should always wear a suit and tie.

It seems like yesterday we saw Young failing at the forward pass in the NFL and today the weekly special at Kroger. I wonder if the Vince Young Hot Links Family Pack comes with a prescription for Prozac and a complimentary trip to therapy.

Seems strange that Vince Young is selling Hot Links considering his Wonderlic score resulted in a court order forbidding him from being near an open flame.

Posted in Hot Links, NFL, NFL Football, Tennessee Titans, Vince Young | Tagged: , , , , | 1 Comment »

America’s favorite baby daddy says he was trapped

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on March 16, 2009


Look, we all know that former University of Tennessee running back, Travis Henry, is one fertile MF’er. After all I did dub him Travis “I got nine, nine MF’ing kids” Henry for a reason.

Henry recently told his story of reproductive woe to the New York Times. The former Bills/Broncos/Titans running back states only one child was planned however after he left Tennessee for the NFL draft he had three kids from three separate mothers.

After Henry was drafted by North America’s South Canada’s team, the Buffalo Bills, he still continued to share his seed of love several times with various fallopian tubes.

Now here’s something that you might or might not know: Children are like little people, they sometimes need medical care, they need clothing, shelter and that pesky thing called food. With Henry’s legal troubles stemming from drug charges, and no longer in the league, Henry claims he is completely broke.

Of course none of this is Henry’s fault whatsoever. He says he was trapped. I believe I heard the same line while watching the movie Juno. Don’t judge me for watching Juno there was no sports on!!

“I did use protection at first. Then they’d be saying they’d be on the pill. I was an idiot to trust them. Second or third time with them, I didn’t use it. Then, boom!”

Translation: “As a professional athlete there is a certain pressure on me to use Magnum XL condoms. I also have a pencil dick. Shit falls off, I’m a daddy. Again.”

Look Henry I’m going to drop some knowledge on you that my grandfather dropped on me:

Fool me once – shame on you. Fool me 8 times – I clearly have the IQ of a box of staples.

Henry may want to look into Vas Madness at The Urology Team in Austin, Texas. Of course back in my day we didn’t have all these fancy birth control methods….like pulling out.

At the present moment Henry is engaged and he says that both he and his fiancée don’t want any children. Which giving his past track record means I expect her to have quintuplets within the next two years.

Stuff like this is exactly why fellow NFL bust Maurice Clarett only has anal sex now. On second thought, that’s for different reasons altogether.

Posted in Buffalo Bills, Crime & Punishment, Denver Broncos, Juno, NFL Football, SEC Football, Tennessee Titans, Tennessee Volunteers, Trojan Magnum condoms, travis henry | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

The T.O. experiment goes to Buffalo

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on March 9, 2009

Fresh off proving that Jerry Jones is a liar, T.O. has signed with the Buffalo Bills. This should help Buffalonians with their power bills in the winter time, considering Owens is full of hot air.

In his introductory press conference, T.O. claims that he “beat to his own beat.” which is one of the most retarded things I’ve heard from him. It’s also the slogan of teenage boys everywhere. So pretty much he just admitted to being a chronic masturbator, right?

With the signing of Owens, the Buffalo Bills go from being irreverent to “North America’s Team.” The Patriots: Haiti’s team, at least according to the amount of 19-0 apparel down there. I think he meant to say “South Canada’s Team”

Even though according to the very non-scientific (but more likely than not accurate) poll taken by ESPN, people across the world doesn’t want T.O. on their team. Regardless of the poll, the Bills are mavericks and signed him anyway.

Just a suggestion for ESPN… since you have at least 8 channels already (I know this because of that tournament on The Ocho) just please use one of them, and only one of them, for T.O., steroids, A-Rod, Barry Bonds, and all of the other bullshit that everyone is sick of yet you devote nearly every second to. Oh, and put Steven A. Smith on that list, too.

I would say that Owens will kill the Bills’ locker room however they really don’t have much of a locker room to kill at this point other than Trent Edwards. Then again Marshawn Lynch has one more gun-related incident left in him, he would be wise to turn in those “get out of jail free” cards and make it all worthwhile…

At this point the Bills and T.O. might very well be made for other. Let’s face it no one goes to Buffalo to play because they want to. Playoff caliber teams (and San Francisco) didn’t want Owens. Most were scared of his ability to disrupt team chemistry, no matter what his on-field numbers stated, and they’re wise to do it.

Posted in Buffalo Bills, Jerry Jones, NFL Football, T.O., Terrell Owens | Tagged: , , , , | 1 Comment »