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The halo of Kurt Warner shines brighter than my slightly tarnished and dent one

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on March 3, 2009

Now that's a haircut you can set your watch to.

Kurt Warner visited San Francisco yesterday and has a physical scheduled for later today. Apparently this isn’t just a ploy to leverage in his contract negotiations with Arizona.

So say he’s visiting San Francisco to destroy it for the sins of its inhabitants, just like in Genesis.

Everyone knows Kurt Warner is the NFL Jesus. His agent, Mark Bartelstein, would like to point out that Warner is on a higher moral plane than you or I and we’re sinners that are doomed to hell in the afterlife. Which I firmly believe is Tuscaloosa, Alabama.

“People assume things are being done to create leverage and that’s not true,” Bartelstein said. “Anyone who knows Kurt Warner knows that’s not the moral plane he operates under. He would never do something to create leverage.”

According to Bartelstein there are some hurt feelings involving the contract negations with the Cardinals that is forcing Warner to San Francisco. He’s seeking a two-year contract for $29 million, and the Cardinals offered $20 million over the two years. Which leaves me to ask the question: WWJD?

Only 20 million for 2 years? What a slap in the face. Just remember Kurt, what would Jesus do? Certainly not accept $625,000 per Sunday.

I’m sure he was disappointed that he had to go through free agency. Getting hassled on the phone by any number of suitors, being offering you eight figures to play football instead of working a real job. A real shame, that is.

For some I do not believe that the city of San Francisco would embrace the Warners’ Christian conservatism, seems like a hotbed of that sort of thinking.

By the way Michael Vick thinks the 49ers courting Warner is just puppy love.

Kurt Warner has found fame and fortune in the NFL but he has NEVER even come close to scoring the crazy, mad MILFs like he did when he was a grocery bagger.

For the record I think Kurt Warner and his story is great however I’m sick of hearing how “holy” he is.

Posted in Arizona Cardinals, God, Kurt Warne, NFL Football, San Francisco 49ers | Tagged: , , , , | 2 Comments »

Supa Saint: Yes…I’m amused and frightened at the same time

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on February 27, 2009


While this might be the greatest Saints fan ever, it disturbs me he used a scene from Footloose as inspiration. Plus 1 is given for the quality of video though.

For some reason I think I know this guy. He stands outside the convenience store and buys booze and cigarettes for underage kids.

 

Posted in NFL Football, New Orleans Saints | Tagged: , | 1 Comment »

Atlanta residents hide your pups. I have Bad Newz, your protocol son might be arriving anytime now

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on February 27, 2009

You might remember that back in December of 2008 I reported about how America’s favorite dog killing QB, Michael Vick, was getting set to be released to a halfway house. Well, there was a little problem with that idea; the halfway house in question apparently had no room to house Vick. So, being the ever brilliant public servants that they are, officials have decided to send Vick home as in Atlanta to old house.

Vick will be required to wear an ever fashionable electronic monitoring device (I’m hoping for a Shock Collar or an Invisible Fence Collar) and not leave the premises. Of course there is the chance that Vick won’t have a home too go to, which would really make thing interesting.

I wonder if Vick knows that he has been secretly replaced by a non name-brand ACC quarterback.

Vick’s official parole date is this coming July which means he start training for the 2009 season however the Falcons have been trying to trade him since Feb. 12, but not team is stupid enough to want him. Only a team with fans who are a bunch of crazy assholes would go for Vick. Wait, Favre just retired, right?

I, for one, think Cincinnati is a great destination for him. That way, when he comes to Cleveland, half of the Dawg Pound will have nooses on their necks, which would make any bore-fest between Cleveland and Cincinnati somewhat entertaining.

Pity the XFL didn’t last. Think the UFL might grab him a la Doug Flutie?

Posted in Arthur Blank, Atlanta, Atlanta Falcons, Michael Vick, NFL Football, bad newz kennels, dog fighting | Tagged: , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

The Super Bowl Aftermath knows no boundaries

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on February 3, 2009

Are you like Sad Vader who is pictured above? Are you depressed because the Arizona Cardinals blew it by not playing defense in the final minutes of the game? Things could be worse though.

Worse? “How could things be worse” you ask yourselves. Well, take Matt Cassel for instance. He went to the ESPN Super Bowl party and got urinated on. Talk about fun times!

“The football star was in line for the bathroom at ESPN’s Tampa Bay Super Bowl bash Friday night when a drunken reveler tried to cut in front of him. “Matt told him to wait his turn and headed into the urinals,” a spy tells us. Moments later, the fella barged in and proceeded to purposefully pee directly on Cassel‘s leg. After security tossed the drunk, Cassel headed back out into the crowd, wet pants and all.”

That is the downside of inviting R. Kelly to perform at your party. We all knew Matt was going to be showered with golden offers this off-season, but this seems a bit premature.

NFL.com also had some issues with the Cardinals losing in the last minutes as well. The Cardinals championship DVD leaves out the last 1:30.

Tiki Barber was unimpressed with both teams.

“If they played this game in the regular season, it would be a [regional] game, and no one would watch.” Philly.com

If Tiki Barber did the play-calling for this game in the regular-season, even more people would dislike Tiki.

Some Arizona fans got a little action during the Super Bowl. For Cardinal fans that say watching Fitzgerald play is better than having sex they had to opportunity to compare that. After Fitzgerald’s amazing fourth quarter catch some Tucson viewers were treated with about 30 seconds of pornography that involved full frontal nudity.

“KVOA will continue to investigate what happened to our clean signal and make sure our viewers get answers,” Nielsen said in the statement. Comcast spokeswoman Tracy Baumgartner confirmed that the company’s standard feed was interrupted during the Super Bowl, although she said its high definition feed was not.

Baumgartner said engineers at Philadelphia-based Comcast were investigating Sunday night. Tucson media outlets reported that they received calls from irate viewers about the pornographic material. Joel Hilander of Tucson told The Associated Press that he and his young children saw the clip. “I couldn’t believe it. And I couldn’t believe that my children were watching it either,” Hilander said.”

For more on this story, let’s go to the Arizona Daily Star message board:

Yes, they did. I had two teenagers and a 10 year old watching the game with me and they all saw every graphic segment of it. What on earth is Comcast doing? I can’t believe I pay them. – Celeste L. (Watchdog), February 1,2009 @ 8:35PM

This was disgusting and heads should roll. I would love to have someone come and explain this to my first grade students tomorrow! I am canceling my Comcast subscription tomorrow and I hope that all the other Comcast members do also. – jammie s. (densan), February 1,2009 @ 8:36PM

Michael Jackson would be more than happy to conduct a demonstration if she likes.

Dang! I had a full living room of kids from 3-17 and their friends!!! What a horrible thing to happen! I’m going to have to disconnect…I can’t trust that it won’t happen during Barney or Sesame Street! – Tess L. (TucsonTess), February 1,2009 @ 8:58PM

This next post is classic comedy genius…

Yeah, well they interrupted my porn movie with 30 seconds of super bowl action. Nothing quite so disgusting as full-frontal football. Yeech. – Rowan D. (RowD1), February 1,2009 @ 8:58PM

So a big dong goes and ruins Cardinals fans viewing experience. In showbiz, that’s called foreshadowing.

This website has the extremely disturbing video. (Thanks for the link Chad…you perv)

So you see Arizona fans not all is lost and yes love hurts…

Posted in Arizona Cardinals, NFL Football, Pittsburgh Steelers, porn | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

Congrats Pittsburgh!

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on February 2, 2009

nfl_g_steelerscelebration_576

Well its official the Pittsburgh Steelers have won more Super Bowl titles than any other team. Congrats Steelers way to dull the buzz saw known as the Arizona Cardinals..

Posted in Arizona Cardinals, NFL Football, Pittsburgh Steelers | Tagged: , , | Leave a Comment »

No we haven’t forgotten about the Super Bowl

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 30, 2009

Yes! The Super Bowl is finally here. Now I realize that this is the Holy Grail of days when it comes to football fans but oddly I view it as a solemn day because it marks the end of football season. Oh sure there’s the Pro-Bowl bit come on that’s a joke.

When Joel and I started making our picks he picked Tennessee out of the AFC and I picked Pittsburgh. We both picked the Panthers from the NFC and oh boy was we wrong! Now I did pick Arizona to beat Atlanta however I figured Philly would devour them.

No one can explain why Arizona got on the hot streak like they did and became the newest NFL media darlings, but that’s what makes sports so much fun isn’t it?

That's something that usually results in a restraining order at Larry Fitzgerald's house.

In case you were wondering you start celebrating the Super Bowl by joining Jared from Subway in an internet chat courtesy of ESPN. Who would win a cage match between Jared and the “can you hear me now” guy? God knows when I think of football and the Super Bowl Jared from Subway is the first name I always think of. The ShamWow guy must not have been available.

Onto our picks

Joel says: Steelers by 10. Kurt Warner will be drawing Jesus pictures into the sunset & Leinert will QB the Cardinals back to their rightful place of ineptitude next year…

Thomas says: I firmly believe that the buzz saw known as the Arizona Cardinals has become dull during this 2 weeks of non-football hell. That being said I believe Pittsburgh defense will control the game for the most part. Steelers by 14.

Something tells me this woman's physique does not match that of the woman in the tattoo

Posted in Arizona Cardinals, NFL Football, Pittsburgh Steelers | Tagged: , , | Leave a Comment »

I almost feel sorry for Tony Romo…yeah that will pass

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 29, 2009

It's so nice of Jessica to show us the "mom pants" part of her spring collection.

Is this the fairytale relationship that everyone envisioned or is Jessica is one bag of pork rinds away from being the plucky trailer park gal that shacked up with the local quarterback?

On Monday Jessica Simpson performed at the 99.9 Kiss Country 24th Annual Chili Cook-Off in Florida. As you can see from the above photo….she ummm ate a lot of chili. Oh hell let’s just say it, she got fat!

Could Jessica’s sudden weight gain be the reason Tony Romo sucks so much. When he throws one of his many interceptions is he emulating Brett Favre or thinking about Jessica’s fat rolls and her fall from hotness grace?

Whatever the reason one thing is for sure: I’m no longer jealous of Romo banging Simpson. And to make you even more disgusted…here are a few more photos of Miss Piggy Jessica in XXL mode. She has transformed from the sexy kind of tight end to an actual tight end.

Posted in Dallas Cowboys, Jessica Simpson, NFL Football, Tony Romo, fat chix | Tagged: , , , , | 1 Comment »

Michael Vick, Chickens & You

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 26, 2009

cockfighting

As most people know I have zero love for Michael Vick or anyone else who abuses animals for that matter. That’s just how I roll. Now that Vick is in a halfway house and is looking to get back in the NFL, PETA is again stepping in requesting that Vick undergo some physiological testing and a brain scan.

When Vick was convicted in ’07, he enrolled and participated in PETA’s sensitivity training and little did I know until recently, his results are online on PETA’s website.

Vick scored a 73.5 out of a 100. One thing I can say for Vick is his handwriting is way neater than mine. However his answers are both surprising and well amusing.

Vick obliviously loves chickens. I do too especially when it’s fried.

Here are some quotes from PETA’s “Developing Empathy for Animals” test that Vick took.

  • “Chickens have an uncanny ability to think and are very agile. They are very athletic to me”.
  • Vick describes the sadness that elephants feel when “visiting the grave site of another family member…rubbing the bones with their trunks and…crying out in grief”. He also writes about the “deer who wouldn’t leave his mate and took a [bullet] for her” and the “piglet who went after the drowning little boy in a story I read. Now that’s heroic”.
  • Vick describes the golden rule as, “Do on to others as u want them to do on to u” (instructor’s note: “right”). He states he can apply it to his life by “showing [animals] that I care and accept them (as long as the feeling is mutual)” (instructor’s note: “not right”).
  • “My Aunt Tina own[ed] a Rotti named Tico. Once my aunt and her boyfriend Wayne [were] having an intense fight. Tico couldn’t get into the house and thought my Aunt Tina was in danger. She jump[ed] through a glass window and pin[ned] my Aunt boyfriend Wayne to the ground just growling until my Aunt called her off. Now that’s loyalty.”

The real question is if the chickens have respect for Michael Vick.

Coming this summer…Bad Newz Chicken Coop.

I’m against Vick playing in the NFL again but I also can’t stand PETA as well. So that being said, I gotta say, if you are going to apply the golden rule to animals and elevate them to the same moral status as man, Vick’s interpretation of how it should be applied has some merit.

So fuck you, Mr. “Not Right” instructor, and go find me some pictures of naked vegans.

Posted in Michael Vick, NFL Football, PETA, Ron Mexico, classless, dumbass, pitbull | Tagged: , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Pacman Jones is getting sued? You don’t say

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 22, 2009

Well, here’s a shocker. Pacman Jones is being sued, except this time he is being sued by some stripper; no instead he’s being sued by his own attorney.

“Manny Arora claims Jones stiffed him for fees “in excess of $10,000″ on 18 different cases in which Arora represented either Jones’ family members or friends.

None of the cases mentioned in the lawsuit filed in Fulton State Court involve Jones directly.

The suit lists Deborah Jones, James Jones, Lewis Kueffor and Fleming Daniels as the defendants Arora assisted. The charges against them vary from speeding to kidnapping, simple battery and, in the case of Daniels, murder.”

The bottom line is this:

You are the company that you keep.

That’s why Pacman had so much trouble during his career; he might not have been raised to know any better and was unable to leave that life behind. When someone with that kind of background gets money this is what sometimes happens.

Some people don’t know when they have it good. Given the opportunity to do something that you do well and enjoy, and to have the opportunity to accumulate wealth that would make living that much easier, how can you mess that up? How can you not see what you have going for you? You can’t blame your present situation on your past upbringing because these are choices and if you did not come from “easy street”, then you should appreciate your success that much more. To say the least, his career may be over. After what ESPN Outside The Lines showed  clearly that Adam Jones does not get it.

Word of advice to this attorney…if Pacman wants to meet you at a strip club to talk things over, don’t go.

Posted in Adam Jones, Crime & Punishment, Dallas Cowboys, NFL Football, Pacman Jones, court tv, legal troubles | Tagged: , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

More reasons as to why the 2008 Dallas Cowboys are genuinely failboats

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 21, 2009

family-fued

As if we need to point out why the Dallas Cowboys are the most overpaid failboats in this year’s NFL, a new report has surfaced that points to one person and it isn’t TO (surprisingly).

According to the Dallas News there are reports of tardiness, lack of respect, crappy coaching and lastly there are Tony Romo’s horrible practice habits. I’m sure there are some Romosexuals that are in a tizzy now!

And I didn’t even mention that fact Tony Romo was continuing to be an industrial grade turnover machine.

According to five sources, several offensive players lost respect for [offensive coordinator Jason] Garrett for his failure to corral quarterback Tony Romo in practice. Romo, sources said, often forced throws in practice and often did not treat practice work consistently.

The quarterback’s practice habits were so bad, sources said, that they affected the way he played in games and could have factored into the offense’s problems.

Sources said Owens was upset that Romo directed more passes at tight end and close friend Jason Witten as opposed to the other receivers who he deemed open. Owens has declined to discuss that issue.

I for one, I am shocked. You’d never suspect discipline problems watching TO scream at Romo on the sidelines and the head coach looking like he just awoke from a coma.

However the last paragraph does indicate that maybe TO might have had a point a few months back. Of course this reports also states that well TO never really showed up on time to meetings so can you take him seriously?

Owens was a repeat offender in being late for team meetings, sources said. With the Cowboys needing to defeat Philadelphia to reach the playoffs in the season finale, Owens was late for a Dec. 23 meeting, citing traffic problems two days before Christmas. Owens declined comment on his tardiness.

Scrip clubs, Ed Werder, and Jessica Simpson obviously contributed quite a bit as well. There is only one move to make now Jerry Jones…Sign Michael Vick. He’s got the rap sheet you’re looking for AND the inflated ego, perfect.

Then again this Dallas Team reminds me of the 1995 Dallas Cowboys…oh wait they won the Super Bowl that year…never mind.

dalls-anti-star

Posted in Dallas Cowboys, Evil Empire, Jerry Jones, NFL Football, T.O., Terrell Owens, Tony Romo, failboats | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »