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Archive for the ‘Nick Saban’ Category

The Big Orange Roundtable Volume VIII

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on August 26, 2008

Sings “It’s the most wonderful time of the year…” I hate that song but right now is the most wonderful time of the year because college football is about to kickoff. How fitting it is to have the craziest Big Orange Roundtablers, Losers with Socks, to be the host this week.

Now call your kids and/or significant other to the computer and STFU because we’re going to the Roundtable.

1. In a perfect world, what time would your UCLA Kick-off start?

For me the perfect time would be 7:00 PM EST. In my perfect world that would give me the time to get my exercise in by throwing unopened jars of baby food at the homeless AKA Bammers, leave plenty of time to blog about how much UCLA sucks ass & watch Judge Judy.

2. Sometimes doing the right thing is tough. Sometimes we have to choose between bad and worse.  I have known snipers that get bothered even though what they did was absolutely right. It seems being a coach would have some similar circumstances. Did you think that Coach Fulmer and staff ever lose any sleep over their choices?

I’m sure Coach Fulmer lost sleep over that embarrassing loss to Bama last year but not because of the choices he made but devising a way to enact full revenge for this years game.

I’m sure if we lose a game by three points the coaches will ponder about the choices they made during and before the game, but lose sleep completely….no.

Phil making it rain....

3. Nick Saban is going to start 10 freshmen against Clemson.  Why is he doing this and did he just buy another year of grace from the Red Elephant Club?

I’m going to allow Billy Bob Bammer to answer this question. After the 11 arrests unfortunate incidents this off-season, Lord Saban has no choice but to start the freshmen. I’m not sure that Saban will start 10 freshmen against Clemson. It is my belief that Saban is doing what he does best and that is lying through his teeth playing mind games.

If Lord Saban AKA the Behr Reincarnated doesn’t win against Tennessee, Auburn and gets Croomed again then I is sure the Red Elephant Club will be reluctant to give him a pass. Then again he is the most powerful man in football at least according to Forbes and A.I.L. magazine (Alabama Incest Love) so he might get a pass. I’m out of here I gots squirrels to hunt!

RTR Bitches!

4. Critique Lou Holtz as a ESPN “analyst”. Irish and Cock Homer or scripted live rassler?

I personally love Lou Holtz…when he’s not within earshot of me. Holtz is the evil moke announcer of ESPN. Someone says something intelligent Holtz is compelled to disagree. I would say that some of his spoken drivel is scripted but the “Lou Lisp” makes it impossible to tell.

The final analysis is he’s a criminally insane Irish Homer who loves the Cock. Funny thing is neither present day fan base can stand him now.

Oh yeah he sucks at everything he does.

Be sure to stop by all the Big Orange Roundtable members’ blogs for their answers.

Posted in Bama Cheats, Bama Sucks, Big Orange, Cocks, Fuck Bama, Fulmer, Go Vols, Holtz, Lord Saban, Lou Holtz, Lou Lisp, Nick Saban, Rocky Top, SEC, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, Tennessee Volunteers, The Big Orange Roundtable | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Forbes names Saban an official Man-God!

Posted by Billy Bob Bammer on August 15, 2008

That’s right! Forbes has officially named our Behr reincarnated Nick Saban as God! Well at least close to it. Everyone knows Coach Bryant is the one true savior! rtr! But Saban is his son! RTR!!!

Outside of Squirrel Hunting Weekly I normally don’t read much, but I learned that Forbes has named the Behr’s personal disciple Nick Saban “Most powerful coach in sports.”

See? I told ya he was named God. RTR!

So what if Tim “Teabag” Tebow is on the cover of Men’s Fitness. If we got to play Florida we would own them! That is after we get over the 6-6 regular season record, learn to beat Georgia, and learn to beat Louisiana Lafayette. Rtr

All that will come in time. That one hounds tooth crown of thorns today has already started laying groundwork. For starters he done went and took Louisiana Lafayette off the schedule. Rtr!

He’s already brung us a the Logan Young recruiting national title and soon we will lay claim the Fulmer Cup. Let’s look at this write up that Forbes has done.

“But in Tuscaloosa, which was desperate to return to national football prominence, Saban, 56, was a savior, welcomed with an open wallet. Saban, with his agent, James E. Sexton II, negotiated an eight-year, $32 million contract that was, at the time, the highest salary ever paid to a college coach. It remains among the highest and is bigger than all but a handful of NFL coaching salaries. His deal includes, among other perks, 25 hours of private use of a university airplane, two cars and a country club membership, extras that make his annual compensation closer to $5 million a year, estimates Smith College economics professor Andrew Zimbalist. He can leave the school at any time without financial penalty, a rarity in big-time college coaching contracts.

Do huh? He gets all that? And all we get so far is a 7-6 season with embarrassing loses including back to back loses to Mississippi State?

Breath deeply Billy Bob he will lead us to the promise land & salivation of a BCS title. What else is he stealing from us getting?

“What’s more, he was given total control of the football program: recruiting, coaching, business administration and public relations. There are coaches at other universities who have similar salaries, like Charlie Weis at Notre Dame and Pete Carroll at the University of Southern California. But no coach, including those in the professional leagues, can match Saban’s combination of money, control and influence. Saban, now entering his second year as the coach of the Alabama Crimson Tide, is the most powerful coach in sports.

Holy Mother of Behr! Well no worries if Forbes has named him most powerful coach then it’s gotta be true. After all Forbes knows mediocrity winners. Rtr bitches!

Posted in Alabama Crimson Tide, All SEC Teams Beware!!, Bama Bangs, Bama Cheats, Bama'zoids, Bammers, Forbes, Nick Saban, SEC Coaches, SEC Football | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

The Tide is High

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on June 25, 2008

Little Saint Nicky is having a bad off-season at Alabama.

In February Saban said:

“I’ve said enough is enough and we’re trying to fix it.”

Now with the arrests totaling ten Saban might be heard saying:

“Those dang Shula recruits ruining my regime. The Saban Regime shall have no other coke heads or players packing heat. Hey secretary, call Mal Moore and tell him to get Shula in here, I am going to kick his little gravy training ass back to his Pa. I’m going to Dick’s to buy some more straw hats. Mal you little weasel, I want another million to put up with this crap.”

The reason? Just a little coke dealer on the team that’s all. Ken Stabler might have a new roommate in rehab.

And they say it never snows in Alabama.

Jimmy Johns (not the sandwich franchise) a linebacker, was arrested Tuesday in Tuscaloosa and charged with five felony counts of distributing cocaine.

To add insult to injury a sixth charge of possession was also tacked on after police officers searched his off-campus residence and found cocaine and Ecstasy pills.

Saban knowing a super secret double probation punishment wouldn’t cut it this time, kicked JJ off the team.

“This type of behavior obviously will not be tolerated, and he is no longer a part of our program,” Saban said in a statement.

Capt. Jeff Snyder, who heads up the West Alabama Narcotics Task Force, said the Po Po received information about two months ago that Johns was involved in the selling of drugs.

“Once we were able to get our investigation in place, we were able to buy from him five different times over the last week and a half and were then able to obtain a search warrant for his residence,” Snyder said. “He was popular. A lot of people knew him.”

Records did not indicate whether Johns had hired a lawyer. He was held at the metro jail with bond set at $120,000.

I’m no Johnnie Cochran, especially since I am not dead or in hell, but it looks like Mr. Johns is in some major trouble. Certainly more trouble than normal players who had the various drinking charges a few months back. $120,000 bond, it’d take Saban a couple of hours to earn that kind of money with his contract.

Saban+Alabama+3 years=Sanctions.

You stay classy Bama! I’d be doing drugs to if I lost to Louisiana Monroe!

To bad this police officer wasn’t the one investigating the matter…maybe JJ would still be on the team.

Posted in Alabama Crimson Tide, Bama Sucks, Bama'zoids, Bammers, Crime & Punishment, Crimson Tide, Louisiana Monroe, Nick Saban, Roll Tide, SEC Football, cheaters, cocaine | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments »

Saban Supports Drunks!!! Wait I think the Whole Fanbase Does…

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on June 16, 2008

Alabama coach Nick “The Liar” Saban said he supports Kenny Stabler and hopes he remains as the Crimson Tide’s radio analyst for football games when he’s sober, following Stabler’s recent arrest on a third drunken driving charge.

I guess saban can sympathize with Stabler. he must like the sauce as well. Remember that “accident” over the holidays? Anyone…anyone?

Saban described Stabler as “a great ambassador for this university.” The former Tide and NFL quarterback’s arrest in Robertsdale was his third DUI arrest since 1995 and has led to speculation about his job status with the Crimson Tide Sports Network and Learfield Communications.

Great ambassador? You’ve got to be kidding me! This is someway Fulmer’s fault.

“We support Kenny,” Saban said “He’s a good guy, I love him, and I want him to be here. I wish he could’ve come here (Thursday). He does a great job on our broadcasts, and we’re hopeful that this doesn’t have a negative effect on his future with our organization.”

A statement from Learfield Communications, which holds the multimedia rights for Alabama sports, said the company’s main concern was for Stabler’s well-being. Alabama athletic director Mal Moore also said Stabler needs the support of friends Jack Daniels, Makers Mark, Jose Cuervo and Jim Bean. However Moore commented about the fact he didn’t trust Cuervo due to a possibility he might not have “proper” documentation to remain in the country.

Stabler has said he looks forward to resolving the matter in court and then proceeded to piss himself.

After three times,Stabler does not need to be praised. He needs to seek help.Absolutely nothing to be proud of. He not only put himself at risk,but the family and friends of each of us. Anyone caught driving intoxicated should have driving privileges revoked. Don’t drink and drive.

A jackass and a drunk ass!

Typical

Posted in Alabama Crimson Tide, DUI, Ken Stabler, Logan Young, Nick Saban, dumbass | 4 Comments »

The Book of Numbers Chapter 13 (NIV)

Posted by Joel on June 2, 2008

There was once a man named Bobby, who was excited about the upcoming Tide football season, but was a little concerned because the team still had the pagan Shula’s recruits left. Bobby would putter along like any other member of the Saban Nation, spending his days stockpiling Scott Toilet Tissue whenever Walgreens had a sale on it, and kissing the altar of his holiness The Bear. Tuscaloosa wasn’t heaven, however Bobby felt as though it was heaven on earth.

He would remember his days as a youth as Bear brought in the best of the best to maintain the team’s rightful dominance in college football. His heart was very joyful when Stallings won another championship and the cash flowed throughout the town of Tuscaloosa, both around the team and at the local t-shirt shop. He even remembers seeing the prophet Logan Young on the sidelines, credit card in hand, to provide the players with the finest liquor, drugs, strippers, whatever was needed for the good of the Tide Nation, and Bear looked down from heaven and was proud.

However, Bobby’s faith has been a little shaken. The Tide has been a punchline lately, and the program has not won a championship in what seems like years. Even with the arrival of St. Nick the Magnificent, the Tide still cannot vanquish the in state goat lover’s to the south or the nutria in Louisiana. The only bright spot has been the annual trips to Shreveport to enjoy whatever there is to do in Shreveport.

Bobby was now down and out. His childhood memories of ‘Bama glory has now been replaced with images of Dee Snyder looking strippers hugged up with Coach Price, Shula’s gold chains, stolen textbooks, and losing 6 straight to Tuberville. There just hasn’t been enough Golden Flake chips in the world to bring the good memories back. One day, during the 7th inning stretch of the Montgomery Biscuits baseball game (the only team winning championships in the state these days), he had a vision after visiting his friend John at the Biscuits souvenir stand. His faith in the Tide would be restored, because St. Nick the Magnificent has just appeared in front of him. He then told Bobby:

“Verily I say unto you, my child, that thy faith has been shaken. Why??? Be mindful of your thoughts, your feelings about the Crimson Tide have betrayed you. I have wined and dined with kings and queens, and I beseech you, my child, to have faith. Have you forgotten that I am a direct descendant of Bear himself??? Did you not remember that I vanquished the mighty Vols by my mastery and cunning alone??? I have unlimited resource$ at my disposal. Remember when Julio Jones put on that crimson hat on signing day??? Why have you lost your faith???

Bobby replied “My Prophet!!! You are not short like all the liberal left wing nut job papers report that you are. And your hair is so perfect and has a silky sheen to it. Do you use Prell???” To which St. Nick the Magnificent replied:

You mean to tell me that is the response that I get??? Typical. How can these people afford to pay me $4 million per year with such dumb ass responses??? Oh well, West Virginia will be open in a couple of years. Listen son, have faith in me. I am great. I have put downtrodden programs back on the map and have a national championship to my credit. The problem is that right now we are still trying to weed out Gold Chain Shula’s players that he recruited. In a few years, we will be competing for that SEC West crown in no time.”

Bobby was now feeling much better. His faith had been just about restored, but he had to ask the following: “What about Auburn???

“For there is a great eagle to the south that soars high and wide over the stars that fell over Alabama. The eagle has posed little to no threat to life as we speak until recently. But verily I say unto you, Bobby, ye of the “fine” public educational system in Alabama, that we shall vanquish that eagle and the Tide will roll once again. Fear not, my child, for lo, I will be with you always (until my next fat paycheck). Continue to drink out of the Biscuits souvenir cup that has just touched the hem of my garment and you shall be transported to a happier time.”

It was then that Bobby woke up, pissy drunk in Montgomery County jail on charges of public intoxication after consuming 64 oz. of moonshine at a Southern League baseball game. It seemed that his friend John was an Auburn alum and alerted the police of his drunkenness…

Posted in Alabama, Alabama Crimson Tide, All SEC Teams Beware!!, Auburn, College Football, NCAA, Nick Saban, Roll Tide, SEC, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, Sports, Tommy Tuberville, War Eagle, alcoholics, satire, tommy Turbeville | 1 Comment »

Mayo Gets Dumped by his Agent

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on May 23, 2008

How embarrassing is it to be dumped by your agent BEFORE the NBA draft in this coming June? Ask O.J. Mayo he seems to know. Calvin Andrews of Bill Duffy Associates citing “overwhelming intensity” over allegations hat Mayo illegally received cash and gifts.

“Due to the overwhelming intensity of recent allegations regarding the recruitment of O.J. Mayo, we feel that our representation of him is a distraction for he and his family at this time,” the statement said.

“This should be the best time in his life and anything that takes away from that enjoyment and the experience of this process is not fair to him.”

Among the NBA players represented by BDA are Carmelo Anthony, Greg Oden, Steve Nash and Yao Ming.

Never fear though…I’m stepping up to the plate and offering Mayo my services. Instead of the standard 25% commission that other agents require my fees are more suited to benefit him.

They are:

  1. Season sky-box tickets for Tennessee football and basketball games
  2. Mayo must slap Bill Gates for releasing Vista
  3. Mayo must fight Nick Saban in a no-holds barred street fight
  4. One Apple touch screen I-Pod
  5. One Porsche Carrera GT

That’s all I require Mayo. Come on and sign with me.

Remember I still need “bail” money!!! Click here for details.

Posted in NBA, NCAA Rules Violation, Nick Saban, University of Southern Cal, cheaters | Tagged: , , , , | 1 Comment »

Proof that the Flying Penis Does Exist!!

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on May 21, 2008

The headline really isn’t exaggerated.

Since the dawn of time the myth of the flying penis has been around but never proven. The closest to real scientific proof one could get was Nick Saban in an airplane.

Garry Kasparov a former world chess champion now turned whiny activist in Russia was attacked by the flying penis. Did anyone notice the first reaction of the bodyguard? I thought he was going to run in terror until he manned up.

When Nick Saban was shown the video of the incident he simply stated.

“I could fly if I chose to.”

Remember I still need “bail” money!!! Click here for details.

Posted in Chess, Nick Saban, The Flying Penis | Tagged: , , | 1 Comment »

She’s A ‘Bama Cougar

Posted by Little Bear Cub on April 1, 2008

Alana Colette Connell is one sexy lady. And don’t you dipshits forget it. You clandestine sissy boys made fun of her last year kissing Nick Saban and getting arrested for DUI immediately afterwards. You fans of other schools are just jealous that a woman would take off of her job at Dollar General to attend a pep rally for the new coach. You wish you had fans as dedicated to the Capstone as Ms. Connell. She’s a Cougar.

drunkfankissin.jpg

Now that’s a fan. So what she had a few drinks too many? The cop that arrested her was a Barner. Those numbnuts from the Barn are just sooooooooooooooo jealous of our 12 prizes and the Paul “Bear” Bryant Museum. Remind me again who the fuck Pat Dye was? That’s right animal lovers, he ain’t even Bill Curry. Leave our George Dickel drinking cougar alone.

Oh, and to show you some more talent from Tuscaloosa, not that these jackasses on this site know what beauty is, here you go:

closeupled.jpg

Roll Tide Roll Bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted in Alabama, Alabama Crimson Tide, All SEC Teams Beware!!, Auburn, BCS, Bammers, Mascots, NCAA, Nick Saban, SEC, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, SEC Speed, Saban, Scams, Sex Video, boosters, satire, scandal | Tagged: , , | 6 Comments »

Logan Young: Sacrificial Lamb

Posted by Little Bear Cub on March 31, 2008

300young_bryant_2751.jpg

Look at Mr. Young. He looks so peaceful, stoic, determined, and defiant. Damned all of the legal troubles, he is a true sacrifice for the institution that we call Alabama football. I love this pic of Mr. Young. Hanging on the wall behind him is God in houndstooth, Coach Bryant. I dare not call Mr. Young by his first name, because he is too important in the annals of Alabama football.

Some of us members of the now “Saban Nation” have distanced ourselves from Mr. Young. Not me. I fully embrace Mr. Young for his efforts to make sure that ‘Bama Ball keeps its rightful place among the top of college football. USC, Notre Dame, Ohio State, and Michigan football be damned. Alabama IS college football and the sacrifice that Mr. Young has made should be a shining example of giving up yourself for the greater good of Alabama football. RTR…

I am getting almost misty eyed writing this, but if I can get at least one of my fellow ‘Bama brethern to see the light, then I will gladly dehydrate by ocular extraction for the greater good. After all, Mr. Young gave the ultimate gift in the name of Alabama football, so a few lost tears won’t hurt.

Last December, before I made my winter hunting trip to Shreveport, I was in the Bass Pro Shop in Prattville looking for a brand new Benelli Super Nova w/ Steady Grip. This gun is perfect for hunting the native nutria in Shreveport. As I was holding the piece, a vision came upon me. As I made my purchase, I decided to name this particular gun Mr. Young. This gun would be used to pierce the hearts and heads of any prey that may come before me, just as Mr. Young used his incredible finances to ensure recruits land at Alabama. Anyway, after we set up our nutria blind in Shreveport, I got my gear on and loaded Mr. Young. As I laid down cabbage leaves in the nutria kill zone, I raced back to the blind until the first critter came out. I grabbed Mr. Young, saw the creature through my Bushnell scope, and squeezed the trigger. I caught that nutria right between the eyes. Mr. Young was accurate and deadly, just like the original. We ate plenty of nutria that night in December, along with some Golden Flake chips and a Coke, just like Bear did. The next night, we watched the Tide roll over those pagans from Colorado.

Mr. Young, you are gone, but this Little Bear Cub will never forget you or the sacrifice that you made for the University of Alabama. ROLL TIDE ROLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted in Alabama, Alabama Crimson Tide, All SEC Teams Beware!!, Asphyxiation, Ass Whipping, BCS, Bama Bangs, Bama Sucks, Bama'zoids, Bammers, Bear is Dead, College Football, Crimson Tide, DUI, Dead Drunk, ESPN, Florida Sucks, Football Poll, Fulmer, Logan Young, Mascots, NCAA, Nick Saban, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Phillip Fulmer, Po Po, Police, Rips Media, Roll Tide, SEC, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, SEC Speed, Saban, Scams, alcoholics, armed robbery, ass chewing, boosters, cheaters, fire philip fulmer, football, fulmer sucks, killer, legal troubles, mentally challenged, mobsters, moral victories, moron, pimps, poker, repo, retarded, satire, scandal | Tagged: , | 4 Comments »

You Call That Discipline? Let the OBC Show You what Discipline is all About.

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on March 3, 2008

Phil Fulmer you call your police ride-a-long program weak discipline? I think not. Nick Saban you call your double secret probation punishment weak discipline? Obviously it isn’t. Urban Meyer you call your idea of suspending players for games against 1-AA schools weak discipline? Try again. Sit down boys and let Steve God Spurrier show you just how weak discipline should be administered.

Last Sunday morning at 1:30 AM offensive lineman Kevin Young was arrested and charged with fighting and resisting arrest in the infamous Five Points area. This was the perfect opportunity for God Spurrier to try out his latest version of SEC discipline that was inspired by Berry Switzer and the movie “Varsity Blues”.

Columbia Police Department spokesman Brick Lewis says Young was charged with fighting and resisting arrest. WLTX.com earlier got information from police that he was charged with disorderly conduct, but police now say that he does not face that charge.

Young was field-booked at the scene and not taken to jail, according to Lewis.

Instead of going through the normal process of the “USC Perp Walk”, this new style of discipline eliminates that and sends the USC football on their merry way home. No time in a cell, no finger printing and best of all unlike the pervious two players that were involved in a fight this one didn’t get stabbed.

The best part of this latest discipline method is the player will likely avoid being punished by the university.

Athletic department spokesman Steve Fink says Young’s status with the team has not been determined. School policy is an automatic suspension for an athlete who has been arrested, but Young was not taken in.

That’s right. Even though he was charged and technically arrested and booked, under this new discipline policy Young was never taken to the Po Po palace known as the Richland County Detention Center. That means Spurrier has found a way to have the school itself look the other way.

So to all you other SEC coaches who believe their discipline method is the weakest think again. The hammer has been thrown by Spurrier. Young will most likely be rewarded, after all Spurrier wishes some more of his players had some fight in them.

Posted in All SEC Teams Beware!!, Discipline, Nick Saban, OBC, Phillip Fulmer, Po Po, Police, SEC Coaches, South Carolina Gamecocks, Steve Spurrier, USC, court tv | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »