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It’s time to kick off the 2009 Big Orange Roundtable

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on July 14, 2009

2009-BORt-Banner-Light-1

What you think one bad season was going to break-up the mighty roundtable? To that I say HA! <flips you the bird>

Before we begin I would like to welcome out newest Big Orange Roundtable members to the brotherhood: Vol Junkies, Pigskin Pathos & Bleeding Orange welcome aboard!

For those that aren’t familiar with the Roundtable I’m going to quote Moondog because he’s cool like that.

For those of you not familiar with the roundtable, each week leading up to the start of the season one of the participating sites will serve as the host, asking questions for the other members of the roundtable to answer.

As the week progresses and the member web sites answer the questions, we’ll post a link to their responses. This year nine sites will be discussing every aspect of the upcoming season and for Volunteer fans, it’s a great opportunity to present your views.

In addition to MoonDog Sports, the Big Orange Roundtable consists of the 3rd Saturday in Blogtober, Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain, Vol Junkies, Pigskin Pathos, Rocky Top Talk, Bleeding Orange, Gate 21 and Losers With Socks.

At the end of the week after all of the sites have had a chance to respond, the host site will post a review with the best answers to the week’s questions.

We’re less than two months from Football Time in Tennessee so let’s get this year’s version of the Big Orange Roundtable kicked off.

Moondog and his awesome site, MoonDogSports.com, are the first blog to host the Big Orange Roundtable. Let’s see the questions he has for us.

  1. In my mind, this season’s success — or failure — centers around one man, Jonathan Crompton. What is your opinion of Crompton’s ability to run Lane Kiffin’s pro-style offense? Can Crompton overcome his miserable 2008 season and lead the Vols to a winning record?

If Crompton can be the Crompton who played extremely well while filling in for Erik Ainge a few years ago then he should fine. However that being said I’m not like some of us who believe he will have a breakout season because he won’t. Crompton is not smart enough to be a great QB. I’m sorry but it’s true, but he does have the tools physically.

Crompton09

Trust me the caveman might be smarter

The story is that last year the Clawson offense was confusing and the players were not the right fit for it. From what I saw in the spring game, King Kiffin® has simplified the offense and kept it simple. (I’m sure Crompton is thankful for that.) Crompton was productive in the spring game and Stephens was also productive.

I believe Crompton can lead the VOLS to a winning record but not by himself. There will have to be a lot of hand holding on Kiffin’s part for Crompton to succeed. If Crompton doesn’t succeed then for the love of God, yank him and put Stephens in.

  1. Last season, the kicking game was mediocre at best, and the special teams — especially the punt coverage unit — was a disaster. Daniel Lincoln returns as the kicker and Chad Cunningham will return as the punter. What are you thoughts about the Vols kicking game and special teams?

The main reason I believe the kicking game was in disarray is because some former coach <cough Phil Fulmer cough> didn’t believe in having a special teams coach. Well that’s been rectified. With the addition of Eddie Gran more time can be spent on special teams and with the kickers. I believe this to be a major factor and I believe that Lincoln Logs and Cunningham will be just fine this coming season.

  1. Tennessee’s offensive line was thought to be a strength in 2008, but like the rest of the offensive unit, didn’t perform well. What are your thoughts regarding the offensive line for 2009?

First let me start that last year our offensive line couldn’t block their way out of a Gymboree. I know this might sound like a cop out but again I think Clawson had something to do with this. I know offensive linemen are considered to be smarter than other players but after looking at some of the schemes from year I believe some bio chemists couldn’t figure what he wanted to run.

I believe this year the line should be much improved which will also help in other areas of the game such as QB and the running game.

  1. Tennessee finished 5-7 last season, a huge disappointment for a team expected to perform much better. How do you believe the Vols will finish in 2009?

Eight & four. We will lose to Bama, Florida, Ole Piss and Georgia. We should win the rest of our games hands down. For once we have an easy schedule with only four road games.

That’s it for this weeks Roundtable be sure to check the other blogs to see their answers to these questions.

3rd Saturday in Blogtober

MoonDogSports.com

Vol Junkies

Pigskin Pathos

Rocky Top Talk

Bleeding Orange

Gate 21

Loser With Socks

Posted in King Kiffin, Lane Kiffin, Rocky Top, SEC, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, Tennessee Volunteers, The Big Orange Roundtable, cromptonites | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

It’s summer in South Carolina time for the arrests to start happening

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on May 26, 2009

Well I certainly hoped you enjoyed your Memorial Day weekend I know I certainly did. I believe that there is one South Carolina recruit and one current football South Carolina player that did not enjoy this past weekend.

First up is the highly touted running back recruit Ben Axon. Axon originally committed to Clemson also had offers from F$U, West Virginia and Purdue.

Axon should be making plans to report to South Carolina in June like all the other freshmen football players but I have a feeling he will be held up for awhile. The Manatee (Florida) Po Po pulled over a car that had the odor the sweet sticky icky weed radiating from the backseat where Axon and the 23 bags of marijuana that he was “holding” was. Call it a tribute to Michael Phelps.

Axon has been released on bail but whether he will have a chance to graduate with his class on May 30th or even the scholarship offer from Steve God Spurrier is still good is right now up in the air. Knowing Spurrier’s past history of discipline I’m sure it is.

Speaking of discipline let’s move on to current South Carolina cornerback C.C. Whitlock. He was just reinstated after the sophomore missed most of spring practice while under academic suspension.

This past weekend Whitlock was arrested for trespassing after him and a few friends refused to leave a club after the owner, security personal and deputies ordered him to exit the premises.

Spurrier has suspended Whitlock from the team for now. Whitlock was one of five players who brawled with non-students in September during a fracas at the food court of the Russell House.

Posted in Crime & Punishment, Discipline, Marijuana, Po Po, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, South Carolina Gamecocks, Steve Spurrier | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Sometimes politicians make me look brilliant

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on May 22, 2009

Before I begin this rant let it be known that I do currently own a gun and I have a permit to carry a concealed weapon. There’s a reason I started this post off like this keep reading and you’ll see why. 

Contrary to popular belief most politicians really aren’t complete idiots. Most are former attorneys who wanted something more. Then there’s Ernest Wooton a state representative in Louisiana, now he makes Les (Big hat little penis) Miles look like a Rhodes Scholar. 

See State Rep. Woot there it is Wooton is proposing House Bill 27 which allow anyone with a concealed weapons permit to carry a gun on Louisiana’s college campuses. This has cause Miles to stop playing with his voo doo doll of Kirk Herbstreit and make the following comment: 

“I am concerned about this piece of legislation for reasons far greater than sports,” Miles said in a statement issued Monday. “Having worked on a college campus for most of my career, I know that firearms do not belong on campus. 

“To allow firearms on campus would be to introduce an element of risk that could compromise all that is good about a university setting.” 

I whole hardily agree with Coach Miles. First no one tailgates harder than LSU fans and they take pride in that. If a game is happening Saturday then they start parting Wednesday. Bottom line alcohol and firearms do not mix, much less combined with fan frenzy and bitter feelings either by LSU fans after a loss or opposing fans after a loss. 

Now I’m not picking on LSU either. I don’t want to be able to carry a firearm on the campus of Tennessee or any other institute of higher learning period. 

What’s really scary about this situation is that Gov. Bobby Jindal (Louisiana’s governor) actually supports this bill and stated he will sign it to law. Maybe both Wooton and Jindal are smart men but they are certainly lacking something called common sense. 

So here is a question for you and feel free to answer this in the comments section: How safe would you feel traveling or attending a game at a school where you know that some drunken spectator is most likely carrying a firearm?

Posted in Firearms, Kirk Herbstreit, LSU Tigers, Les Miles, SEC Coaches | Tagged: , , , , | 2 Comments »

The rise of King Kiffin on Twitter

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on May 21, 2009

TweeterKiffin

Now that Lane Kiffin has proven that either he or his staff will use any kind of technology to get him and the school in trouble, I’ve taken drastic measures and I’ve taken his Twitter privileges away. From here on out if he feels the need to twitter then he has to go through me and I’ll post it under the name King Kiffin.

I’ve actually been doing this for a couple of weeks because his 140 Twitters are extremely boring. (Watching game film.) Mine will be funnier and there won’t be some dumb ass assistant writing them. Personally I would like to see Layla register for a Twitter account.

I keep expecting to see something like this on Lane’s ramblings:

Got up this morning, got caught violating NCAA rules again. Caught wife in bed with Bruce Pearl.

Or this:

LaneKiffinUT@BrucePearl: LOL I Kno! Why do they call us the Volunteers if we get paid, right? g2g, don’t tell Pat about my twitter account! ROTFL!

I picture Kiffin being wheeled away from Knoxville, strapped down to a hand truck, with a mask over his face to prevent him talking.

Somewhere in a dark chamber Al Davis is laughing maniacally. And as soon as someone finds him, changes his soiled britches, brings him back upstairs and tells him about this he’ll laugh even harder.

So if want to start follow King Kiffin on Twitter feel free to if all else fails it will at least be funnier than Ron Zook’s babblings.

Posted in King Kiffin, Lane Kiffin, Layla Kiffin, NCAA Rules Violation, Ron Zook, SEC Coaches, Tennessee Volunteers, Twitter, Zooker, dumbass | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

An open letter to Ariel Alejo

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on May 19, 2009

Dear Ariel Alejo

While I’ll openly admit that King Kiffin’s® comments that were made about the very school which you are the principal of, Pahokee High School, was stupid and wrong. Please understand that Kiffin is a dumbass at times but he’s our dumbass so we have to love him. (Unless he doesn’t win)

Now the comments were made on February 4th & King Kiffin® has long since apologized for them. Somehow you didn’t get the memo and ordered assistant coach Gran of the school property on May 4th during a recent recruiting visit. And then you removed that Gator logo from your gay website how convenient…

Well King Kiffin® used his political pull and Coach Gran will be at the practice today along with the assistant mayor of Pahokee. You see the assistant mayor is a man about things and realizes that King Kiffin® made an apology not once but twice and that is good enough for him. He also sees where this hurting the kids in your school.

“I don’t think the words were from the heart,” Crawford said of Kiffin’s comments from the recruiting celebration. “I think he was caught up in the minute and just said something. I don’t think it came from his heart. I really don’t. I’ve done things like that myself. After saying them, you find out what you said and how it affects the community or a person you either said them to or about.”

I realize this is probably embarrassing for you but remember King Kiffin® owns your school and you’re just his little bitch, so please get use to it. Learn from it and learn to love it. Fear the Kiffin.

So in closing think about these words and suck it.

Sincerely,

YMSWWC.com

Posted in Florida Sucks, Go Big Orange, Go Vols, King Kiffin, Lane Kiffin, Pahokee High School, SEC Coaches, Tennessee Volunteers | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Bruce Pearl attempts to sway Layla Kiffin?

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on April 29, 2009

We all know Bruce Pearl has a smoking hot girlfriend. But does he have his eyes set on smoking hot mother of three Layla Kiffin

Clay Travis reports that the energetic basketball coach was asked at a Tennessee alumni reception about how he was getting along with King Kiffin©, who was also in attendance, and Pearl had this to say: 

“I’m trying to date his wife. But that’s not working out too good.” 

God bless Pearl and his creepy advances. I like Bruce Pearl’s chances with Layla Kiffin better than Lane Kiffin’s chances against Florida this year.

Ordinarily an off the cuff remark such as this one should be taken as good nature ribbing. But remember King Kiffin© was annoyed when Layla was Google searched by professional internet masturbators. Will Pearl feel King Kiffin’s wrath via kick in his horny balls? Could we blame Kiffin if he did that? But they appear to be getting along just fine and received a standing ovation at the event. 

Another fun factoid: As a Florida Gator undergrad, Layla was a member of the notorious Zeta Tau Alpha sorority, which counts America’s Sideline Princess Erin Andrews as one of its members.

Honestly, if she had a Tom Selleck mustache, I’d still hit it.

Posted in Bruce Pearl, Erin Andrews, Go Big Orange, Go Vols, King Kiffin, Lane Kiffin, Layla Kiffin, SEC Coaches, Tennessee Volunteers | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Kennedy takes a plea deal I wonder if he is finally able to have sex with Kimber again

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on April 22, 2009

kennedy_punch_out

Well it’s come to this. Andy Kennedy takes a plea deal for a reduced charge of disorderly conduct in return received 40 hours of community service and six months probation. Thanks in part to this an international incident has been avoided. 

After months of denying and calling others liars, he cops a deal. I’m sure it was just to put this behind him, and not because of the pictures, police report, and impartial witness to his actions supporting the taxi driver’s statement. 

The AD doesn’t seem pleased about this situation and I think he has many questions for which only Kennedy has the answers. 

“Andy should have handled this situation better as it relates to the time frame and subsequent dispute,” athletics director Pete Boone said. 

For those of you who might not know Kennedy was arrested last December when Mississippi was in Cincinnati for a game against Louisville as part of the SEC/Big East Invitational. Cab driver Mohamed Moctar Ould Jiddou said Kennedy punched him in the face and called him a terrorist after he told the coach he couldn’t fit him and four others into his cab. 

Kennedy has dummied up after the hearing Monday, noting that the civil lawsuits are still pending. Like the one where his spouse, Kimber, is suing the cab driver because the stress involved with this incident has caused Kennedy not to sexually perform like a man 

Kennedy later released a statement through Ole Miss apologizing to the school and its fans. 

“I acknowledge using poor judgment which resulted in an adverse reflection on me, my family, our program and the university that I so proudly represent,” Kennedy said in his statement. 

I think this was a bad move on Kennedy’s part due to the fact he has now opened himself up even further to civil lawsuits by essentially pleading guilty though a plea bargain. 

I can’t help but wander how much differently the situation would have been handled had it been a player involved in the skirmish as opposed to the head coach. With this admission of guilt, Kennedy deserves to be punished by the university and the NCAA. 

If they make a movie of this, I hope Michael Chiklis gets the role of Andy Kennedy.

Posted in Andy Kennedy, Crime & Punishment, Kimber Kennedy, Lawsuit, SEC Basketball, SEC Coaches, ole miss rebels | Tagged: , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Vaya Con Dios, Billy Clyde

Posted by Joel on March 30, 2009

billy-clyde-gillispie

Last year, I wrote a piece on Kentucky basketball and their lack of NBA lottery picks the past few years. Anytime we have posted about Kentucky basketball, it is highly read by some Wildcat fans. This post was different though. This one was picked up by a Wildcat blog, and by the time I got off of work, there were 96 comments that were left on the posting. 110 total comments would be posted. Thomas and the Moderator were amazed and pissed at the same time, and frustration over sensitive Wildcat fans invading the place set in. Some of the favorite comments were:

Wow! I love me some jealous, unclassy, can’t look at your own coach’s immoral personal life, still looking for that elusive elite eight, Tennessee Volunteers! Whoa!!!! The round of 16! Everyone come to UT: Where we guarantee mediocrity!-Kyle

I don’t discount your point about the name of the arena being racist. But the rest of your “point” is off to say the least! You are talking about UK not having any players drafted in the lottery, but UT hasn’t even had any players drafted in Pearl’s time. By the way Hopson didn’t leave UK’s program.

Jealousy will not get you anywhere when it comes to recruiting. So now recruiting an 8th grader gets you compared to R.Kelley sexual assault? You should be ashamed of yourself for such a statement. Than again I shouldn’t be surprised, I’ve read your “writing” before!-Jack

1st Round NCAA Tourney exit = Back-to-back bowl bids to ritzy Shreveport.-3rd Down H Back

UK built SEC basketball the same way Alabama built SEC football.

So in response to all of the commentators, I wrote this piece in response to all of the comments. Didn’t really matter though, Wildcat fans were pissed, and even a Pulitzer prize winning journalist (I think) by the name of John Clay of the prestigious (wait, let me get this right) Lexington Herald-Ledger chimed in. Side note: I am still waiting on a response from this Peabody award winning journalist to the e-mail that I sent him.

To all of you Wildcat fans who said that Kentucky was back and happy days were here again, let me just say…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also, good luck in trying to get the sexy name coach. Donovan and Wright have already turned you down. Calipari has a LOADED recruiting class coming in and has FedEx and International Paper money paying his high salary. Anthony Grant, a really good coach, was already snatched up by Alabama. The fact remains that Kentucky, for all of its glitzy facilities and rabid fanbase, will have to really overpay for its next head coach, which means you might have a shot at Cal, but doubtful. Seriously, who would want to coach with reporters like this???


Posted in Billy Clyde, Billy Donovan, Billy Gillispie, College Basketball, Fail, Kentucky Wildcats, SEC, SEC Basketball, SEC Coaches, Sports | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Kimber Kennedy must prove her loss of consortium

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on February 12, 2009

con·sor·tium (kən sôrtē əm; -sôrs̸hē əm, -s̸həm)

noun pl. -·tia—ə

  1. a partnership or association; specif.,
    1. a temporary alliance of two or more business firms in a common venture
    2. an international banking agreement or association
  2. Law the companionship and support provided by marriage, including the right of each spouse to receive this from the other

Now that you know what the definition of consortium is let’s hope Kimber Kennedy knows as well and has the ability to prove it. But first a recap.

On December 18th of last year Ole Miss head Basketball Coach Andy Kennedy was arrested for alledgidy assaulting a Cincinnati taxi driver. A video of the inicedent has been released in which Kennedy attempts to bring the United Nations into the matter by telling the police officier that this could be an “international inident.” The exchange during the arrest prompted the greatest line ever spoken by a Cinncinati police officer ever.

“You think we’ve never arrested somebody that’s made national media? … We deal with the Bengals all the time.”

Shortly thereafter Kimber Kennedy, Andy’s spouse, filed a lawsuit against the taxi driver and his witness claiming the this whole mess has been so stressful that Andy can not perform his husbandly duties. Meaning Andy just can’t take it to the hole anymore.

Now according the attorneys of the taxi driver, Kimber must prove the “loss of consortium” claim.

“Kennedy amended his civil suit against them when his wife said she deserved damages from the cabbie and valet because the incident had caused the couple a “loss of consortium” and damaged their marriage. But if Kennedy and his wife contend his December assault arrest ruined their personal life, they’re going to have to prove it with medical documents, say attorneys for the cab driver.”

No I’m not a doctor but I play one on this blog so at the risk of offending some readers out there, I’ll volunteer to help Kimber get her groove back. I can hop in my car and be there in a matter of hours. Hold on, Kimber. Eventually, I’ll be coming.

I truly wish I could there for this trial, I can see the entered evidene now:

  • Exhibit A: A receipt for 50 AA batteries and a ‘muscle massager.’
  • Exhibit B: Kimber rips open her blouse and shouts “Your honor, THESE have not been sucked since the incident!”
  • Exhibit C: A video of the couple NOT having sex

Unfortunately I can’t help but believe that there will be a legal document in the future containing the words “forceps”, “knock”, and “dust off”. I’m betting Kimber is hoping for a stiff penalty to be handed out for this crime.

I bet this suit is doing wonders for recruiting.

Posted in Andy Kennedy, Cincinnati, Crazy Women, Crime & Punishment, Kimber Kennedy, Lawsuit, SEC Basketball, SEC Coaches, ole miss rebels | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

Breaking down the 2009 Tennessee recruiting class

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on February 6, 2009

helmet

Well signing day has come and gone and of course most Tennessee fans are happy with this years results given that King Kiffin®  had a limited time getting them. Plus this class is ranked considerably ranked higher than last years.

With this class being ranked so much higher I found it more difficult to make fun of analyze them properly,  but I’ll give a try.

Since last year’s breakdown was such a success I’m here to breakdown this year’s recruiting class. Hopefully I’ll find another gem like Carson Anderson who is currently writing the “The Tao of Fat & Stupid Phil Fulmer” as I type.

askew1

Jerod Askew ****

Position:  Middle Linebacker

Other schools that offered:

  • Virginia Tech
  • West Virginia
  • Alabama
  • Clemson
  • Maryland
  • Michigan
  • NC State
  • Oklahoma
  • South Carolina

Strengths:

  • Speed
  • Toughness
  • Hitting ability
  • 4.7 GPA
  • Resisted the bags of cash and Jimmy Johns brand of cocaine that Alabama had to offer
  • Resisted the bong hits with Michael Phelps that South Carolina had to offer

Weaknesses:

  • 4.7 GPA. He studies too much when he should be learning the playbook and breaking laws
  • Size

Prediction:

This is one that Saban wanted and the Bama nation (of trailers) is not happy to lose this one. He will apply that lofty GPA to graduate early, cure cancer, develop time traveling wormholes & prank call Saban every chance he gets. This will all be completed as he sits on the bench because he proved he was indeed smarter than the entire coaching put together.

edwards

Mike Edwards ****

Position: Cornerback

Other schools that offered:

  • Cincinnati
  • Illinois
  • Indiana
  • Michigan
  • Minnesota

Strengths:

  • Great cover skills
  • Not afraid of contact

Weaknesses:

  • Wears funny looking hats

Prediction:

Will most likely lose an ear due to forgetting to take out the earring while he is being beaten down for wearing that funny hat.

gordon

Eric Gordon ****

Position: Cornerback

Other schools that offered:

  • Texas Tech
  • Alabama
  • Oklahoma
  • South Carolina

Strengths:

  • Speed
  • Natural athletic ability
  • Resisted the bags of cash and Jimmy Johns brand of cocaine that Alabama had to offer
  • Resisted the bong hits with Michael Phelps that South Carolina had to offer

Weaknesses:

  • Dazed look on his face

Prediction:

There’s a reason as to why he face looks so dazed… Here’s a hint…he is clueless as to who Phelps is because if he knew…. Let’s leave it at that.

green1

James Green ****

Position: Wide Receiver

Other schools that offered:

  • Auburn
  • Ole Miss
  • NC State
  • Ohio State
  • South Carolina
  • Syracuse

Strengths:

  • Great hands
  • Resisted the bong hits with Michael Phelps that South Carolina had to offer

Weaknesses:

  • Speed
  • Looks like he can’t grow a full mustache

Prediction:

He will most likely injure his upper lip attempting to shave the mystery mustache over and over again. It’s a mystery because no one else can see it! ZING!

jackson

Janzen Jackson *****

Position: Cornerback

Other schools that offered:

  • Texas A&M
  • Alabama
  • LSU

Strengths:

  • Body Control
  • Burst out of breaks
  • Tackling ability
  • Resisted the bags of cash and Jimmy Johns brand of cocaine that Alabama had to offer
  • Did not want to be referred to as a “Coon-ass” or smell like corndogs

Weaknesses:

  • Backpedal quickness
  • Coverage awareness
  • First name is to similar to cheesy designer Jantzen who makes the worse freaking backpacks ever!!!
  • Boy-band good looks
  • Rumored to have a huge crush on Latoya Jackson

Prediction:

Will most like start his own boy-band called the “U of Tees” and record a mega-hit titled I wish I was the one who knocked up Candice Parker. Eventually the money from that one hit will run out and become the next Ryan Seacrest.

jeffery

Arthur Jeffrey ****

Position: Defensive tackle

Other schools that offered:

  • Clemson
  • Florida
  • F$U
  • Georgia
  • South Florida

Strengths:

  • Athleticism
  • Body control and balance
  • Size
  • Resisted the guns, stinky weed and jorts that Florida had to offer
  • Looks mean

Weaknesses:

  • Strength
  • Technique

Prediction:

Will become the bodyguard for the “U of Tees”.

king

Greg King ***

Position: Linebacker

Other schools that offered:

  • Alabama
  • Arkansas
  • Auburn
  • Miami (FL)
  • Oklahoma State
  • Texas Tech

Strengths:

  • Looks mean
  • Resisted the bags of cash and Jimmy Johns brand of cocaine that Alabama had to offer
  • Hitting ability
  • Size
  • Speed

Weaknesses:

  • Discipline
  • Tackling Technique

Prediction:

15-30 give or take time off for good behavior

thornton

Nigel Mitchell-Thornton ***

Position: Inside Linebacker

Other schools that offered:

  • Wake Forest
  • Duke
  • Georgia Tech
  • Maryland
  • Miss. State
  • Nebraska
  • NC State
  • Oklahoma State
  • Stanford

Strengths:

  • Aggressiveness
  • Athleticism
  • Size
  • 3.4 GPA
  • 1320 SAT

Weaknesses:

  • Foot quickness
  • Pass coverage Skills
  • 1320 SAT. It’s obvious all his life has been football and books so it’s likely he’s still a virgin.
  • Smugness

Prediction

Great another smart one. Nigel will most likely realize that Wake Forest is the place for three star players. There he will realize that he studied so hard instead of dating because he’s gay. This will cause him to promptly flunk out of Wake Forest and settle with some special boy. All the while that smug look will not leave his face.

myles

Darren Myles ****

Position: Wide Receiver

Other schools that offered:

  • Alabama
  • Florida
  • Georgia Tech
  • Kentucky
  • LSU
  • Michigan
  • Notre Dame

Strengths:

  • Closing speed
  • Coverage Awareness
  • Size
  • Resisted the bags of cash and Jimmy Johns brand of cocaine that Alabama had to offer
  • Resisted the guns, stinky weed and jorts that Florida had to offer
  • Did not want to be referred to as a “Coon-ass” or smell like corndogs
  • Found a way to beat the Jedi mindtricks of Charlie Weis

Weaknesses:

  • Recover Ability
  • Gives the thumbs up
  • Smiles

Prediction:

It quickly becomes aware to Darren and those around him, that he just to darn happy to be a SEC football player. Ladies and gentlemen meet the manger of the “U of Tees”. Pssttt Darren give everyone the thumbs up sign.

nelson

Robert Nelson ***

Position: Inside linebacker

Other schools that offered:

  • Auburn
  • West Virginia
  • Miss State
  • NC State
  • South Carolina

Strengths:

  • Attacks the line of scrimmage with reckless abandonment
  • Resisted the bong hits with Michael Phelps that South Carolina had to offer

Weaknesses:

  • Coverage Skills

Prediction:

You might be asking yourself “Does he look high in that photo?” and the answer is YES! Robert will major in agriculture and develop a potent new pot plant and become famously rich from one customer alone, Michael Phelps.

oliver

Nyshier Oliver ****

Position: Athlete

Other schools that offered:

  • Alabama
  • Boston College
  • Georgia
  • Michigan
  • Notre Dame
  • Penn State
  • Strengths:
  • Toughness
  • Found a way to beat the Jedi mindtricks of Charlie Weis
  • Resisted the bags of cash and Jimmy Johns brand of cocaine that Alabama had to offer
  • Looks mean and is mean

Weaknesses:

  • I’m very frightened of this person so please don’t ask me.

Prediction:

Coming from the mean streets of New Jersey there are two things Oliver knows: football and pimpology. Oliver will be the meanest pimp in orange the world has ever seen. Does Nyshier have to choke a Bama fan?

Glamour Shots!

Glamour Shots!

Kevin Revis ***

Position: Offensive Guard

Other schools that offered:

  • Vandy
  • Wake Forest
  • Auburn
  • Duke
  • Georgia Tech
  • South Carolina

Strengths:

  • ACT score of 28
  • Body Control and balance
  • Feet
  • Quickness of the ball
  • Resisted the bong hits with Michael Phelps that South Carolina had to offer

Weaknesses:

  • Pass protection
  • Looks incredibility gay in photos
  • Wannbe boy-band good looks

Prediction:

Kevin will fall into a deep depression after being rejected for the fifth member position of the “U of Tees” and will start drinking heavily. He will later be known as the “American Idol Mauler” for beating up and molesting Janzen Jackson during a taping in the last season of the show.

Please quit calling me Meyer!

Please quit calling me Meyer!

Nu’keese Richardson ****

Position: Wide Receiver

Other schools that offered:

  • Florida
  • Georgia
  • Miami (FL)
  • Michigan
  • South Carolina
  • So Cal.

Strengths:

  • Speed, speed and more speed
  • Explosiveness
  • Resisted the bong hits with Michael Phelps that South Carolina had to offer
  • Resisted the guns, stinky weed and jorts that Florida had to offer

Weaknesses:

  • Once he publicly wore a Florida hat.

Prediction:

I hope he has blocking skills because…oh wait sorry I forget Fulmer was no longer the coach. After a much publicized comment King Kiffin® made about Meyer allegedly cheating to gain the services of Nu’keese, he goes on to have a wonderful career at some other school because he transfers out of Tennessee due to Florida scoring 80 on Tennessee. Way to go Kiffin…

rogers

Zach Rogers ***

Position: Wide receiver

Other schools that offered:

  • Texas Tech
  • Vandy
  • Alabama
  • Auburn
  • Colorado
  • North Carolina
  • Duke
  • South Carolina
  • Stanford

Strengths:

  • Relative of Austin Rogers
  • Resisted the bags of cash and Jimmy Johns brand of cocaine that Alabama had to offer
  • Resisted the bong hits with Michael Phelps that South Carolina had to offer

Weaknesses:

  • Big Ears
  • Mr. Potato Head lips
  • Has that “Please punch me” look about him.

Prediction:

Zach will eclipse every receiving record that Austin Rogers set, which isn’t saying a lot. However he will also become to stand-in lip model for Steve Tyler’s life story as told by the Oxygen network.

Marlon Walls ****

Position: Linebacker

Other schools that offered:

  • Clemson
  • Ole Miss
  • Miami (FL)
  • Virginia Tech

Strengths:

  • Fools people by making them think he’s high all the time

Weakness:

  • He really is high all time.

Prediction:

He will be kicked off the team in his junior year for drug use. He’ll then go to some small school get an internship to the publication “High Times”. Twenty years later he’ll be the editor.

schofield

JerQuari Schofield ****

Position: Offensive tackle

Other schools that offered:

  • Clemson
  • South Carolina

Strengths:

  • Size
  • Resisted the bong hits with Michael Phelps that South Carolina had to offer

Weaknesses:

  • Resembles what Gary Coleman would look like if he grew

Prediction:

Like most offensive tackles we will never hear from him again until he allows a sack.

sykes

Rae Sykes

Position: Strongside Defensive End

Other schools that offered:

  • Juco Transfer

Strengths:

  • None that I could find

Weaknesses:

  • See strengths

Prediction:

Sykes was part of the 2007 signing class. He was ranked as the #14 DE in the nation by Rivals that year. Is it me or does he look like a cocky smartass? I have a feeling he will remind Vol fans of another Juco transfer named Kenny O’Neil.

teague

Marsalis Teague ****

Position: Athlete

Other schools that offered:

  • Alabama
  • Clemson
  • Florida
  • Georgia Tech
  • Michigan
  • Ole Miss

Strengths:

  • Elusive
  • Playmaker
  • Speed
  • Resisted the bags of cash and Jimmy Johns brand of cocaine that Alabama had to offer
  • Resisted the guns, stinky weed and jorts that Florida had to offer

Weaknesses:

  • Route running

Prediction:

This is another one that King Kiffin stole from Meyer.  Since Tennessee isn’t sponsored by Under Armor that means Teague will not get to wear that idiotic headgear. As a result Teague will transfer to another school that is sponsored by Under Armor, Hawaii.

williams

Toney Williams ****

Position: Fullback

Other schools that offered:

  • Alabama
  • Florida
  • Georgia Tech
  • Kentucky

Strengths:

  • Instincts
  • Power
  • Size
  • Resisted the bags of cash and Jimmy Johns brand of cocaine that Alabama had to offer
  • Resisted the guns, stinky weed and jorts that Florida had to offer

Weaknesses:

  • Smiles
  • Change of direction
  • Cutback ability

Prediction:

Will transfer to Georgia Tech after he realizes that Tennessee doesn’t really have the kind of running backs he wants to block for, the kind that actually like smiling.

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